She's Super Phreaky...YOW!

Since it’s been established that I am a plagia-writer anyway, I'm stealing Chris's stuff. BUT, before anyone named Heather or Lindsay flip out and say…”But you don’t have time to write our NYC blog?”, I will say that this is just a short layover WHILE I’m writing it. I've got a 'theme' so its not like I can just squirt it out...like this one. This is just a spurt of blog I gots ta get out, but I’m having trouble with the other one. My creativity is just…dead right now. So here are my copious thoughts (since that’s all I have the sanity to pull together right now). List format. Random. Heeeeeeeeeere we go.

1. Chris was right in his blog about him being the hilarious comic relief in our family. ALTHOUGH, beware those who let him know what tweaks your nerves, hurts your feelings or triggers that thing inside of you that makes you laugh uncontrollably during 10 o'clock Mass while your mother looks at you like you are going to get the beating of your life in the car on the way home...meanwhile he's got a straight face. So you're the only one in trouble. Forget playing outside or meeting with friends or watching football with dad. You're reading the missalette from that oh-so-funny Mass, in your bedroom, alone, with B104 FM playing on your pink Sony (with headphones)...one headphone on, so you can hear if she comes to the door to check and see if you've read the missalette in its entirety and if so, exactly which part is funny? (but I’m not bitter...haha)

Her: so what was so funny about the LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST today, Laura Michelle Lee? (Oh God no! not the Liturgy of the Eucharist! I should have done it during the Liturgy of the WORD! yikes!)
Me: Nothing (let me tell you..."nothing" will get your ass whooped, but so will, “Chris was making me laugh at how Fr. S says, ‘…Jesus said to his disciples, take this bread…and eat-TIT…’ when he holds the bread up to bless it. Get it mom? TIT?”)
Her: Well there's a place for people who laugh at nothing. It’s called Crownsville Mental Hospital.

Yeah…don’t I know it? I'm on the waiting list.

2. Someone at work used my French Dressing, all but a tablespoon.
:( (It was "Saucy French" too). Its bad enough I had to have this giant salad for lunch while everyone else eats stuff that smells like pizza warming up (still unidentified), but now I have a tablespoon of salad dressing to use. The highlight of this salad has now become the few tiny pieces of smoked gouda that I put in the salad to "excite myself". Its not low fat cheese, but damn, smoked gouda is GOOD. It’s my treat, ok? How sad is that? One good thing about smoked gouda, besides the taste, is the fact that Nikki doesn’t like it. So, I can nurse a wheel for a little while undisturbed except by thelauralee. And it like never molds. haha Nikki, just so you know though, you’re always welcome to anything I’ve got there, even the cheese...especially the salsa (here is your chance to comment on your feelings about me and salsa).

3. I want to change my cell phone number.

4. No one has emailed me today :( Not one person. Well…Cingular emailed me my bill. Thanks Suckular!

5. Oh wait, Lindsay emailed and told me she really wasn’t mad about the sacrilegious Jesus comment I made on her blog. whew.

6. Please sign up for Chris's Fantasy Football League. It will be really fun and we'll do the draft at a party at my house or something. "I'll host", as they say in the world of the integrity challenged (I figured if I spoke Craigslist-ease maybe I would be able to communicate more clearly with some of my readers). tee hee, just kiddin. Anyway, sign up. I don’t know how to do it either but its easy and there are directions on there and most of us love football anyway, so do it luvahs. It will mean the world to the Lee’s. Lee rules! (“O’Doyle rules!”)

7. This week has been pretty flippin below-average for me except two things (I will make them #’s 8 and 9, but #10 will be bad…sorry). I have a pounding headache from being a crybaby. I'm trying SO hard to be positive and upbeat, for me, for all my friends and family and I think I have just started to stumble a lot lately. It sounds so trite, but I really am just SAD (here...see? click on SAD) I am just one big ball of despondent gouda (smoked).

8. I will be vague here, as I like to maintain a certain level of deniability regarding just about everything, but my big interview went very very well this morning. I was roughly prepared, because I'm not very schooled in a number of the functions this company performs, but I will tell you this...they are huge. Global. More than global...they are practically universal. They have offices on Mars. I bet they'll assign me to one of those. Anyway, it’s a big-deal position, and I did very well, though she was a hell of an interviewer. Probably the best interview I’ve ever had or even prepared for (and I have a PR degree! I’ve been run through the ringamaroo!), not so much because of my performance but the combination of her interviewing skills and my ability to dance motherf*cker dance motherf*cker dance! She got down to business, she asked all the right questions, some of them were difficult, some were repetitive but that’s a tactic. I felt I only did on the better end of "okay" but at the end she softened like butta, thanked me profusely, told me I gave an EXCELLENT interview and then proceeded to set up a third interview with the big cheese (hopefully gouda). So I made it to the 3rd Oracle. I'm Artreyu and I've practically stopped "The Nothing". Now I can stop riding that big white scaly dog-dragon thingy with the freaky Santa Claus-esque booming voice, right? Now before you think THIS is The Neverending Story...I'll move on. Anyway, good stuff. I think it’s looking good. It will mean loads more responsibility, hours, less blogs, no instant messenger (I know I know…calm down) and a mother-lover of a learning curve. Good news is I will have a buttload of skills. Guys only like chicks with skills, so.... ;) (I know you didn’t miss that lil Napoleon reference now did ya?)

9. Last night I was SO sluggish and downcast, that after I ate my healthy dinner for eighty, I'd planned to get started on cleaning up my bedroom which was yet again...a flippin disaster. I've come to the conclusion that I have problems getting up for work, coming home from work and sleeping when my room is in disarray. It's weird. It’s like the last line of defense has been compromised. Nikki was right. When you bring order to your life with simple things, it helps. SO...my plan was, go to work at Curves, barely make it two loops around the circuit, go to Giant and pick up 3 of my 400 prescriptions I don’t need to be on, buy a few items for good eating this week and next, come home, cook, eat, talk to Nikki and THEN clean my room, start some laundry and clean the Lord of the Rings out of my toilet. Around 10pm I decided it was as good a time as ever to go up and lay on the bed. That’s how I like to get started. ;) Nikki heard my groans and whines and said: “I'm helping you.” I object with a short whine, “Nooooo...its ok.” She says, “Um…yes. 10 minutes I’ll help. Get up.” Next thing I knew, she was giving me simpleton jobs and the amazingly productive (and sexy) tornado that is NIKKI cleaned my whole room and organized my closet and my laundry was sorted and my bed was made and all my bathroom crap was put away and I was unpacked from the weekend! That girl ROCKS! I mean I didn’t lay there and watch her, but holy cannoli! She is a cleanin FOOL! I went down, cleaned my bathroom, put a load of laundry in, took a shower and went up to bed to read over some of my interview stuff. She even offered to start waking me up for work in the morning and making sure I was out of bed before she left and on my way to the shower. She did wake me up this morning, after a good nights sleep of depression induced night terrors (my usual), and I was good to go today! I was almost on time for work. haha 8:18am! ahhhhh…THANK YOU NIKKI!!! Now can you alphabetize my CDs? jk...thank you-- love you sweetie...I needed that SO bad and you could tell, and you helped me and I am so appreciative. Thanks also for the interviewing refresher!

10. MY SHIFT BUTTON STICKS AND IT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK AND REWRITE STUFF AND ITS SO ANNOYING> I CANT EVEN GET A NEW KEYBOARD UP IN THIS JOINT> THIS IS MY SECOND ONE> ALSO MY MONITOR GOES REALLY DARK SOMETIMES> I TOLD THE COMPUTER GUY AND HE SAID< "SORRY THEY ARE # YEARS OLD WHAT DO YOU EXEPCT?"> SO??? I EXPECT MY PC TO WORK FOR ONE! URGhhh, is this a business or not? Whoops, there we go...shift key released. ;)

11. I'm in a creative slump. I hate that. I feel so useless.

12. This list is negative. See #11 for why its not funny.

13. I have no 4th of July plans. I had some. Those plans called me at 8am this morning to cancel because I'm not enough fun and my plans don’t want to have to baby-sit me. :( Whatever. Someone ask me to do something. Puweeease? I don’t have any olive branch invitations as of yet…(or emails)

14. Homer Simpson is sooooooooo funny. I mean like idiot savant funny. hehe

15. My 10 year reunion is soon and certain PEOPLE wont stop bugging me about going. So I'm going. Begrudgingly, but one of those certain peeps said we could both wear, 'I’m with stupid <----' shirts where the arrows point at one another, and tell huge lies so I guess I'm ok with that. I'm posting our IM convo in the comments section for your entertainment. So to all you hizookers callin me asking me to step it up and go (I dunno WHAT FOR), I'm going. Are you happy now, Romi and Michelle? (Not you Michele with one "l"…I know you read!) ;) Now I need to find a way to earn the $65 for the overpriced ticket. Any suggestions? ;)

16. My dad DOES eat weird stuff (see Dizzinators blog). Its a little disturbing at times, but it can also be exciting. I kind of want to be with a man that would eat just about anything I think. ;) (ewwwwwwww my god you said that right in the same paragraph as you were talking about your dad)

17. I hate the Barenaked Ladies, Gin Blossoms, Spin Doctors and the Macarena. I hate UB40 too.

18. The latest liner on the JACK is too funny: “Hold on a minute…I thought the wife and kids were in New Jersey!…But it sounds like the BOSS is playing on Jack 102.7 FM?!” (...segue into Hungry Heart by Springsteen!)

Ok, 18 is sufficient...Later Taters (check out my songs! woopie! uplifting, eh?)

Songs of the Rant:
Just Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick
Look What You've Done - Jet
Best of My Love - The Eagles

All Eyes On thelauralee

***The following nonsense is based off of this article (click) about Carlos Beltran and Roger Clemens of the big-fat Astros.***

Associated Lee Press-On, BALTIMORE, MD. -- June, 28, 2005

All eyes on thelauralee. She's the two-ton gorilla of the blogworld's summer meetings. She isn’t in town. She isn’t in the hotel lobby. She isn’t signed. She isn’t even close to signing. But thelauralee has still found a way to hover over the meetings like a traffic copter…but on the other hand, for thelauralee, the clock is ticking.

There is no law, after all, that says her blog readers have to wait around for her to get down to business. But with everyday that goes by, fewer fans seem willing to do that…Another thing we’re beginning to hear out there is that, the longer the bloggies find themselves waiting on thelauralee to blog, the higher her agent (who is Gloria Allred, but for all intents and purposes, will be played by agent, Scott Boras) sets the humiliation bar for them to read her blog. More blog clubs are beginning to doubt that she’s worth A-Rod type praise and money…or even Michael Flatley type cash, coupled with almost obsessive, stalker-esque and sexually confused admiration.

“I’m getting to the point where I really don’t care if we sign thelauralee--not if the cost is too ridiculous,” said an anonymous executive at blogger.com. “I think a lot of readers have her overrated. This bitch is NOT worth 20 million hits a year, let alone the $2 I left on her nightstand last night for that crappy BJ. I mean, not if you compare her to A-Rod or Seymore Butts and ‘performers’ like that.”

An official at another company where the employees do nothing but sit around and read thelauralee’s blog said, “Where are her Gold Typing Gloves? Uh, she’s never won any! How many snake charming or homerun titles has she won? Uh, that would be none! She’s barely made it to 2nd base! She’s no expert. How many all-star blog teams has she made, writing for a reputable blog sponsor that had to have an all-star blog writer on staff each and every year to stay ahead of the game? That would be one (blogger), which she only made this year after being traded from the Handwritten Diary Writers of America. A GD non-profit club! Someone call Peter Angelos!”

“I like the broad,” said one loyal reader. “I like to see if she’ll write about me after we ‘do stuff’. It makes me feel like a celebrity when I see she’s mentioned me the next day…if she even gets around to blogging that day. She can be a real lazy bitch.” Shim further commented, “Don’t get me wrong though. A lot of this ‘hype’ about thelauralee is based on a perception of her that was formed in October, and the record shows, she isn’t that person all the time. Ha! Her moods shift hourly. Often we have to scroll down her entry and look at the Songs of the Day just to see what kind of mania we’re going to have to deal with as readers that day. It’s not pretty.”

Ultimately of course, thelauralee doesn’t care what her so-called loyal readers think of her, she will get her money (and her black Violent Femmes tee shirt back). It may not be more than $.69, which will be issued to her in a check written by The Dude, but most likely, she’ll get it. But, it will be enough to go out and buy that Wascally Wabbit of her dreams, at least.

The question, though, is whether all this posturing and waiting around has really been worth the aggravation? It has knocked several interesting options off thelauralee’s plate already. And in the end, she could wind up having to choose between a hometown, Gay Pride contract in Baltimore, or a write-or-else paycheck in San Juan.

It will be fascinating to see what road she winds up drunk driving, all right. So until she finally writes this next blog entry, the world will be watching (in between reality shows and episodes of ‘Trading Spaces’ of course).

Oh and by the way…so will a fellow named Roger Clemens.
**********************************************************************

Huh? Whoops…I forgot to change the names of the characters there at the end to keep the private life of bloggers and baseball players a private sanctuary. ;) I think by now you’ve all figured out that I got a lil silly this morning and decided to plagiar-write (its how I get all my material) an article about how I haven’t blogged about our past weekend in NYC yet and posted pictures even though both Heather and Lindsay have BOTH linked to me and put the pressure on so they can do so-called “more important” things like move and work for a living. Losers. So now I suppose I should take time away from playing pool on Yahoo! Games and do it already…good gracious.

A special thanks to ESPN Batboy Extraordinaire (aka columnist), Jason Stark, for providing the opinionated yellow journalism crap he calls reporting in an article regarding the 2004 'pussyfoot' tango Carlos Beltran and Roger Clemens did, while fans waited with baited breath to see if the Houston Astros would continue to suck. So yeah, he provided this article for me to plagiarize and make it about yours truly. It’s better when its about me anyhow, don't you think? Nuts to Beltran and Clemens. Besides, it fit; whether it be blogger.com or the Houston Astros, they are interchangeable when it comes to allowing people like Beltran and thelauralee to use their forum to do dumb shit with no reputability and get a lot of attention for it.

If you have any issues with the content of this article, please contact my agent HERE. She did some good work for me when I sued the Los Angeles Beauty School for not letting me participate in that pageant. Bastards! Also, Amber Frye is a hot MILF and she did pretty ok for her too. The message stays the same, look out ‘people who try to front on me’ or you’ll end up like Scott Peterson or a cross-dressing version of Pete Rose in some bizarre scenarios. All Gloria had to do was refer to Peterson as a “14 carat A-hole’ to have him convicted and sentenced to death. Mere commentary. Tell me that’s not writer's inspiration.

Stay tuned you impatient lil doing-doings, It’s comin…it’s comin…

Pack n' Yack

Did you miss me??? I know...I know...dont leave you again for so long...it's disabling for you. Crying on your desks all day at work, then sobbing yourselves to sleep because you miss me so much isnt that much fun. Ok, I got it. ;)

I had fun! I went to Dewey Beach for two days and now I'm in the Big Apple with Lindsay-Lou, helping Baileyjuice pack for her big move downtown on TUESDAY. Yeah...you read me right, Tuesday! Last night Linz and I got here like 10pm and we sat here and commented on Heathers blog from the last two days and made fun of you all...haha...j/k. It was good to catch up and we even did a lil roll playing. You'll have to check out her blogs comments from last week to see how exciting we really are. Not.

Then we decided to get dolled up and go to the dive bar across the street (that by the way is just too cool) called Bar East (how creative). I was sticking with my pledge and only drinking beers (HarpS <--see HH? I used the "s" for ya!). As we stroll up to the bar with BEEYEWTIFUL Heather who looks like a million dollars...just so beautiful, we notice MoHot. This was the bardtender. He had black hair and short hair on the sides a slight spikey mohawk. He was also the most beautiful sepcimin of HOOOOOOT that we'd collectively seen in SO long. I am talking...God threw him up himself. He was gorgeous. Blue eyes, black hair, scruffy, delicious body, black shirt, punky looking jewelry...he was a Deisel model in the making who is not already signed. So...let him be called MoHot from this point foward, as he was our hottie with a Mohawk. ;) So naturally he takes to Heather and her two ugly stepsisters (jk Linz you are beautiful) like bees to honey. We drank more than humanly possible, and I'm talking some fairly expensicve stuff and by the end of the night the bill was like $32 because most of the drinks were on HIM! hooooooooooot and generous ;) And i think maybe he wanted some tail from the Bails, but WHO DOESNT i ask you??? Together they would make heavenly babies. Except they would likely be drunks with mohawks. He had a very tasty Colin Ferrell attitude and look about him as he proceeded to woo HH by telling her, "hey, Ive had 17 shots in the last 2 hours". You know what? Thats so sexy. haha Anyway...I have no point here other than to say that Heather was like our little drink wench going to get our drinks every 5 minutes to talk to MoHot and show off for her worshippers (which included me, Linz and this Indian guy named Fernando (???) but whom I was affectionately calling Ramadan). Im a beeyatch, what can I say. We also met this really cool Irish guy too who I proceeded to have a half an hour debate over who the three greatests bands of all time were. Beatles...we agreed on. You can guess who he named and defended forever...his boys U2.

Ok so, this weird She-man (which shall from this point forward be known as "Shim") starts flirting with HH (told you her mojo was on fire last night!) and subsequently repeatedly dares her to go try and get a smooch outta MoHottie. Lindsay begins her coy instigation routine which is too cute and impossible to resist, by suggesting that I WOULD give HH a foot rub for her toils and sexy mistique?! How I got whored out to fullfil the bet, I dont know, but lets just say I owe her a GD footrub now (which Lindsay must have known what good stakes these were given my aversion to FEET). But I personally feel that I only owe HH a baby semi-foot rub given the fact i didnt see the kiss because I was running interference with Ramadan and its wasnt even a REAL kiss anyway. But whatever...Im no welcher, so...I better start falling in love with her tootsies tonight. Long, boring story short, I did eventually drink a Sex on the Beach donated by the Ramad-man, and then proceeded to close the bar, walk 2 blocks to the Duane Reed pharmacy (which Lindsay called Duane Wayne's) and then have an ulcer attack that caused all three of us to high tail it to the food aisle and unwrap the first thing we could, which was Oatmeal cookies and then...they wouldnt come apart! I had to take a giant bite out of 4 cookies stuck together. These two guys came down the aisle, looked at us like we were from flippin mars and said, "Are you guys eating the cookies right here in the aisle?" Heather gives them the bitchiest look ever and got rid of them with her sweet words ;). I was humilated that I had to do that to avoid the terrible pain that was escalating...not to mention I was hammered off my ass, so while they went up to pay for the opened cookies (with one giant bite taken out of the pile), I hid behind the wrapping paper and cried my eyes out. Lindsay comes over and yells at me that I am a drunk bitch and to stop crying like a little bitch and lets go home, it's 5:30 am! I cry all the way home, come in, take off all my clothes in a trail to Heathers bed and pass out. ONE FREAKING THIRTY in the afternoon of our big packing day, we emerge from the dead, only to have the worst hangovers we've had in...well for me? A long time actually. The kind where when you moves, nauseas rushes over your body and you have a heartbeat in your temple. Terrible. As I write this blog, Heather is actually yacking (but like a lady mind you). We've been packing for 6-7 hours and we are now done for the day and getting ready to go out and drink again at Pianos and Max Fish in the Lower East Side. haha Good times. Diamond Dave loves the Big Apple (bobbeedeebeebop!) and so does thelauralee. I do love it here. Def my favortite city by far. Lindsays boobs are gigantic in this halter top shes wearing and shes assking me to take a good look at her and tell her if I'm too embarrased to be seen with her if she wears this shirt so I better go. Besides, I'm really hungry and she might nurse me. That'd be nice. :) I missed you bloggies! You better comment. We're growing apart...

Songs of last night (played at the bar and we jammed out to with MoHottie):
White Stripes
Pirate's Booty - Beastie Boys
I got you Under My skin - Frank Sinatra

Kickin music. Hot bartender. Sexy girlfriends. Good times. :)

*No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.
**Special thanks to Heather and Lindsay for their editorial contributions to this article.

Why CareerBuilder.com Is My New Best Friend:

Next time I want someone on top of me, I will simply refer to this chart as a reminder of the many people that hold the position already...

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Definitely Read Heather's Blog Today

10) She's the only one who blogged today. This is pure logistics.

9) There's stuff about me on there (plus I commented on both of today's entries). Let's face it, we all like me.

8) You get to hear the Mike Myers quote, "I like the nightlife...I like to boogie" for what might be the millionth time since she's put it up. Never know...there might be a "You're the millionth customer!" prize or something. Prizes rock.

7) It has sad song lyrics in it. I don't know about you, but I love to feel tortured by song lyrics. Its' part of my DNA.

6) It doesn't have pictures of anyone playing with their privates in it. You may play with your privates when you read it though. You deserve it. Plus, Heather likes that, don't you, you dirty dirty bitch. ;)

5) They are short. I hate people who write really long blogs. They are really mental.

4) She Gay-Marriage propositions me yet again in writing. If I had a dollar for every time she's asked...I'd be rich. And gay by now.

3) I've invented a new word on there to add to the Licktionary. That's thelauralee's dictionary of sniglets and made up words. For instance LICKTIONARY: Licky's dictionary, Laura's dictionary...get it? no? I'm sorry, you might be retarded (and this might just be another reason why you'd enjoy HH's blog) ;)

2) My blog is telling you to. Listen to the voice of thelauralee and use the force. Only pure genius goes on this blog. Simple concept! Look into my blog and it's easy to see, 1 and 1 make 2, 2 and 1 make 3, it's destineeeee-heeeee! (Tenacious D lyrics alert!)

1) It might make you feel happy or laugh or shart in your pants or shoot Caucation out of your nose (or if you are Nikki, an ENTIRE Rigatoni noodle - good work!)...or it might just take up 5 minutes of your life you'll never get back. You wont know until you check it out! You DO want to be uplifted, right? That's levitation Homes!

So, sin malgastar tiempo (that's: without wasting anymore time, you cracker-ass-crackers), Click THIS now and be transported to the phantasmagoric lair of a megalomaniacal ;) genius with great legs...

Also, since you have so much time on your hands and have nothing better to do than read her blog, check this out too....funny stuff! www.tuckermax.com

The Dizzinator posted that link on his blog too...it make me laugh longtime, like-ah Vietnamese pot-bellied pig! snort snort! (See Diz E. Lee's blog to understand that comment).

Have a good one, homies.



Song 4 You:
Crazy Love - Van Morrison
*thank you for the fine sense of humor, when I'm feeling down...taking away my troubles, taking away my grief

T to the G to the I to the F! FRIDAY!

Ok this is gonna be one last dose a lovin for my "friends in low places" before I "slip on down to the oasis" ;) Ya heard??

Bullet point format, but I luv ya no less.

-HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA! I know you're not feeling all Mary f*cking Sunshine or anything, but regardless, I hope you have a happy day and please call me if you want to just goe down da 4100 Club and have a Budweiser out da cooler, ok hon? ;) We can watch da O's play da A's on da new boob tube dey got down der, Butchie and Shirl will be der, so should we. Actually, come over! Nikki is pretty good at thinking up worse things that could be wrong with you in order to cheer you up, yet I really feel that lately she's been overusing "Hey, at least you're not lactose intolerant now! I love cheese and now it rips my guts out." SO...you're lactose tolerant and a very caring, sarcastic ;) whipper-snapper with an infectious laugh. So Happy Birthday to yeww-hooo-hewwww hon! Get yer ass outta Brooklyn Park and come on down ta Odington sometime!

-I hate the Frankle Automotive commercial where the father calls the Frankle a "car" instead of a "Frankle" and that little pissant son of his Rupert rats him out to the mom and the dad cries like a bitch. Hate it.

-I DO love the Quiznos baby commercial ("As sooon as I get my molars, MMM!") and the Geico Cavemen commercials ("Not cool!") tee hee...good stuff.

-R.E.M. sucks. Especially, Shiny Happy People. Who are these people? I hate them.

-Tom's coming to Baltimore later this weekend for a short stint. Woo hoo! Earlier today I was asking him what he wanted to do while he was down besides help us stain our deck (HA! that's your warming Tom!) and he said, "I dunno, what's there to do?" I suggested Kristin's party (which it will likely be...God willing I wont run into "Dude...high five!"), local pubs, DC, road trip, party at our house and in true Tommy Boy Spirit, I suggested, "...um, throw stuff off the bridge, anything really!" This is a line from that movie in case you dont know, where Rob Lowe asks Chris Farley what the hell there is to do in Sandusky, Ohio and he suggests all kind of dumb crap teenagers would do like it was so exciting. "Throw stuff of the bridge" was one of them. By the way-- side note, while I was in Toronto, Sean took me to The Distillery which is a section of the city full of bars and it's where they taped all the scenes at Callahan Auto in that movie, mainly the loading/shipping dock scenes, "J.D, I lost my virginity to your daughter for God's sake! Charlie..you were there!" :) Anyway, Tom's gonna pick up in the comments section (maybe?) the funny story he told me about one time when he threw stuff off the bridge. You'll likey. I certainly laughed! So we're looking forward to that visit for sure.

-I've tried like hell to get my siblings rounded up for Sunday and this is my last effort. It's pathetic...I'm posting it on my blog! I know you two read it so you cant say you never got the damn details. Sunday, 1pm, Federal Hill. You can ride with me. Here are the details of what Dad has requested we do on his special day (and umm...that would be FATHERS DAY):
Federal Hill Jazz & Blues Festival
DATE: Sunday, June 19, 2005 COST: Admission is $3. Children under 12 are free. DESCRIPTION: Federal Hill Main Street’s 5th Annual Jazz & Blues Festival is bigger than ever, featuring at least 15 jazz and blues bands, and a live performance by acclaimed childrens rock duo Milkshake, offering an exciting alternative to the traditional Father’s Day Celebration. Festival-goers can enjoy the cool sounds of Baltimore's best live jazz and blues as they browse booths filled with art, antiques, jewelry and crafts, and enjoy delicious food and libations from Federal Hill’s celebrated restaurants. EVENT TYPE: Festival LOCATION: Historic Federal Hill, South Charles Street (between West and Hamburg) and the unit block of East Cross Street (between Charles and Light).

Were' meeting at CrossStreet Market at 1PM. CALL ME DAMMIT! He will be 5 Mimosas to the wind when we meet him, maybe we can get a head start at our house Sunday morning. We have a big ass bottle of champagne taking up and acre in our fridge. Maybe Nikki would like to share it with the Lee's. :)

-Corey Hart's "Sunglasses At Night" was on earlier and I called my coworker so I could do the highhat for him over the phone (we call each other all day with music trivia as long as we're listening the same station--oh and on speaking terms! haha) . He challenged me to SPELL that sound I was making, so here it goes:

umm-ssstt, umm-sst, umm-sst (repeat) ;)

He also was genuinely surprised to come into my office today on multiple occasions to me singing, dancing and at one point not working but "banging on dee drum all day"! He noted twice, "My God, I haven't seen you like this in so long. I havent seen you this happy and up in months and months." It hit me...he's clucking right! How sad :(. Oh well...I'm happy now.

Ok, that's it...have a GREAT weekend and try to stay cool (in more ways than one) and listen to The Jack!!! I know it will make you happy, it has made me SO happy! I know I sweat it so flippin hard, but its good ok? :) And thanks for all the comments too!

Love you desperately,
Licky

Songs of the Day (ready freddie?):
Photograph - Def Leppard
Running on Empty - Jackson Browne
Kiss on My List - Hall n Oats
Waterloo - ABBA
I Can't Tell You Why - The Eagles
The Reason - Hoobastank
What I Am - Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians
One Love - Bob Marley
I Got Friends In Low Places - Garth Brooks
Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
Keep on Lovin You - REO Speedwagon
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You - Heart
Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles
Blinded By The Light - Man 4 Man
You Might Think - The Cars
Got My Mind Set On You - George Harrison (this song has one line)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancin - Leo Slayer :)
Dont Look Back - Boston
Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison
Spanish Moon - Little Feat
Cats In The Cradle - Harry Chapin
Aint Wastin No More Time - Allman Brothers
It's Only Rock N Roll - Rolling Stones
Turn the Page - Bob Seger
Dove Cries - Prince
WORD UP - Cameo
Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...my song (and prolly everyone else's too, haha):
Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison ;)

These booties were made for walkin!

And that's just what they'll do! My lil sisters are walking! Mainly Cameron...she just takes off all over the place and McKenna is a little reserved, just a few steps not holding on to anything, but by next week she'll be climbing trees like little monkeys should!

Pics :) mmmm don't bite the screen!


C on left, M on right on their birthday at the end of April.


M on left, C on right. Easter :)


"mmmmm...Happy Birthday to me!"


"Hey, can I have yours?"

I'm so chappy!

I am going to put a lot of lil random posts up today. You all won't believe what I did yesterday. I went through my email (one of the many, but the main one) and erased, erased, erased! I had emails in there from almost a year ago when I created the account to compensate from losing the Comcast email addy (doh!). I hadn't actually kept everything I'd received or sent over the year, so I had to at least look at the emails before I deleted them. I had 817 emails in my inbox when I started and now I have...hold on let me check...27! Unbelievable. Towards the beginning I was being sentimental with all of you, keeping crap you'd sent, but by the end I was like, NO! DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. I'll never read this crap again, why save it? Got rid of all that Bourbon Street Steve stuff (which means nothing to most of you, but trust me, this is good), the bazillion responses and emails dealing with Nikki's 30th surprise party (good times), and welp, just a LOT! In my trash bin right now I have 1674 messages waiting to go bubye. I'm pressing delete, riiiiiiiight now. ahhhh...

Ok so on to the point of this pic below. I found a bunch of emails from Lindsay, dated AGES AGO (late October 2004) with random pictures of me attached. She was sending them to me as a gentle nudge to "go online" to find some booty rather than shitting in my nest, which I'd been doing. haha At the time I was like, "NO WAY! I am not ready!" Arent you glad you pushed Linz and Heather?! haha I'm really just joking...it was fun.

So as I am going through deleting, and I realize that she's sent me all these pictures with messages like, "this is a good one" or "oh you look pretty here" or "oh you could use this one...use this one!" So sweet :) Well I deleted them all-- haha sorry! BUT, I saved this one from New Orleans in October and Lindsay was in the picture I thought! She must have cropped herself out. Either way...I was ditching work at the trade show that day with a massive hangover and we went cruisin the streets of the French Quarter and came across a parade! Yey...good times. I love how they have random spontaneous parades and parties down there. "Hey lets have a parade for no good reason! Because is 11:30am! Yes! The 11:30am parade! Let's get pissed!" :)

So here I am. I am chubby but I'm very happy here. Chappy. :)



Lunch Songs:
Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood ("Relax...when you wanna cum." ok. I'm relaxed. I dont feel anything.)
Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds - Elton John version (from one of my most favorite albums of all times! Captain Fantastic.)

Ohhhh, SNAP!

My coworker told me a story this morning that made me gasp and giggle simultaneously. ;) Wish I'd seen it myself! She said that she was coming off of Route 4 in PG County returning from North County High School's graduation at the PG Equestrian Center (woooo! that's 'uptown' for them, isn't it? heh, j/k) and as they were sitting at a light on 301 (where the Arby's is), right there in the middle of the intersection, this guy pulls up like a bat out of hell and stops his car...gets out...opens the trunk and pulls out armfuls of women's clothing and proceeds to dump all of it on the median strip there at the intersection. Three handfuls later, he slams the trunk, gets back in the car and drives off, through the red light, pulls a U-turn and goes the other direction down 301. She said that her carload of teenagers and what not thought this was flippin hilarious. I do too, though I am sure that dude had either been through something painful recently, or he was a tranny looking for a change in style and just 'sick of the old mi-mi'. I'm gonna guess that some bitch ripped his heart out. Ya never know though, maybe he's an abusive, crazy, PG County backriver nut (hey I can say that since most of my relatives either live there or lived there at some point; both sides of the family), but either way, he was alllllll kinds of P.O.ed!

Moments later, I got an email from an unexpected source, entitled, "Bad Breakups". I thought this was somehow a sign that I should share it with you, SO...here are just a few of the attachments to help illustrate a "Bad Breakup". Enjoy! :)









Songs of the Mornin (compliments of The Jack FM):
How Long Has This Been Goin On? - Ace
You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrissette (oh, snap!)

From the high to the low, to the end of the show...

Ok...I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I have to blog about something emotional! I recently went through and temporarily removed a number of "overly emotional posts" dating back to ...um...I dunno, I think I got to March or something before I got bored of that. haha

So the title of today’s blog is a line from a Billy Joel "ballad". All you New Yorkers, please don’t get your panties in a twist since I said something about your BJ. ;) I’m warning you, this blog is aimless but is based on the song Scenes From An Italian Restaurant by the one and only drunk drivin, Willy Joel. I bet he wouldn’t like it if someone called him Willy. My dad's name is Robert and he goes by Rob, and a few people used to call him Bob when I was little (I forget who they were?) and he would ANSWER to it but it pissed him off! haha Ok anyway...back on track.

So you guys already know that my taste in music is…um...eclectic, and many may consider it really sucky, but YOU suck so shutup! Well I used to love two particular Billy Joel albums. The first was, The Stranger. This was excellente por favor ;) The other was (ok brace yourself) Innocent Man. Its good, ok?! Anyway, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant was on The Stranger album and I of course loved this song and sang along because hello, it’s a story. I love stories! :) Plus, I really just liked how he would call Brenda, "Brender". The Long Island 'R'. But, I don't really think I ever got what was going on in this story until about 5 years ago.

I was 20 or so? Ok that’s bullshit, I was 23, and I was engaged to K and feeling reaaaaaaaaally uneasy about it. I thought to myself very often in my lil car rides back and forth from Edgewater to 20 Silverwood Circle (yahoo Nikki!), "WTF are you doing getting married? Maybe you should put this off until you’re less insane. Who am I kidding, you will never be less insane, better do it or else everyone will be disappointed in you. You can't fall apart now." As dramatic as that sounds, I was TERRIFIED to fall apart! I put a lot of undue pressure on myself to do everything the 'right way' and put on a happy face and make everything look great and really, I should have listened to my intuition. Not that K turned out to be a raging wife beating asshole or anything, but we were just so young and maybe we were, in part, clinging to one of people/things we perceived as ‘stable’ in our lives. We’d been together forever and a day, so it must be right, eh? ummm, no. On top of it, I was having a hard time with a lot of things then; job, car, living situation, family, etc. Needless to say though, obviously I did go through with it.

So I'm driving along and listening about 5 years ago and it hit me: We're Brender and Eddie. OMG. We are! "They lived for a while in a very nice style, but it’s always the same in the end. They got a divorce as a matter of course, and they parted the closest of friends. Then the king and the queen went back to the green, but you can never go back there again...whoaohoh, whoaohoh." :( yikes! And here we are...we've had had it already by the summer of 2005! Well fuck me. And this ‘not being able to go back to green’ thing...I don’t think I like the sound of that! Anyway, I don’t really have a point (hah) other than the fact that I would listen to that song and as those 5 years went on, I would deny that it was true, but each year it would get closer and closer to reality. Then, I heard it today and was like HOLY SHIT! The Prophecy of Willy Joel has come to fruition! This of course made me want to go back and listen to ALL of his songs to find out what’s going to happen to me now ;)

Also, I could go back to the Lansdowne Inn and have a chat with Bessie, the psychic. I went with Lindsay a few years ago, and she gave me this loooooong BS reading that I laughed my ass off at that HAS ALL COME TRUE since then!!! haha I kid you not! That’s a blog for another time though. I will have to go through my crap tonight and see if I can find all the notes Linz took during my reading. If you remember anything Linz, chime in. I remember she predicted the forensics thing, and said I would get a divorce and there would be a move to CHICAGO (yes, no lie) and that I would meet someone else and fall in love and write together and move to NYC. Sounds fun. I hated that reading then and thought she was a senile old bitch but now I’m thinking I like the sound of some of her predictions. ;) Oh I almost forgot…she told me that there were twin girls in my future too and kept asking me if I was pregnant and I was like HELL NO LADY! Maybe she was feeling my new lil twin sisters' vibe?

So back to the Italian Restaurant…I was just thinkin about it all today because I emailed Eddie and asked how things were going with the new job, the new digs, etc and he was the usual Eddie. “Fine. good. ok.” ;) He did mention that Blay had been up there last weekend and visited him and it was nice to catch up. Also he said he will likely be coming home this summer at some point. I don’t know how Im gonna deal with that, but I suppose its not the worst thing in the world. I don’t know why I’m so damn afraid of him. I really do hope that he has met a nice girl though and maybe soon enough, he'll be tellin me: "Things are okay with me these days. Got a good job, got a good office. Got a new wife, got a new life, and the family’s fine. We lost touch long ago, you lost weight I did not know, you could ever look so good after so much time." ;)

If Willy’s prophecies are going to be coming true, that losing weight thing better be true! Damn you Willy! Arrggggggg (shake fists). These past 6 months or so since I "got back out there prematurely" have been rough indeed. Lots of ups and downs, but I really had some experiences that were amazing. I've kissed, I've touched, I've held, I've cuddled, and yeah...I've done some other stuff too, and with someone who I was really attracted to and comfortable with. Weird as it may be, I hope he gets to experience all of that too...I'm actually very thankful I did get to feel that way again. Anyway, it's been almost a year since I've seen him and so much has happened in that time, I can’t imagine what 5 years from now will be like. By then, he really will be The Stranger.

You might get a kick out of this though…since some of you know me and my ‘body temperature issues” haha… He asked how the Maryland heat was treating me, did I have the air cranked up to 'Walt Disney Cryogenics' levels yet? See, I’m never going to change there. He loves the hot hot weather and I am so dramatic I would say I was melting away at the same temperature that in the winter was "freeeeeezing! Im freeeezing dammit!!" I have temperature issues. :)

Ok there is no rhyme or reason to this blog- ha. Oh one thing-- remember the Nurse Quacktitioner? I saw Dr. Suess this week and showed it to her and she was tickled pink (shut up, don’t be gross), but then I got all discombobulated and forgot to give it to her on my way out. Luckily for me, I will see her again NEXT week. Oh the joy.

Instead of songs of the day, I’m going to list a number of songs I’ve heard on JACK FM today (and yes, I am convinced that they are trying to drive me mad with love songs).

Have a fabulous Thursday evening! I’m taking a poll here (not a pole!)…was this blog overly emotional and exposing? You, the readers, tell me. Your answers will be tabulated and the majority will be reflected in either removal or lots n lots of fabulouso comments. ;)

Love,
Brender

Jack-in off songs:
Suspicious Minds – Elis Presley
Out of My Head – Fastball
Your Song – Elton John
The Last DJ – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Lean on Me – Billy Withers
No Matter What – I want to say Beatles here, but it might just be Badfinger…
I’ll Be – Edwin McCain
Heart of the Matter – Don Henley
White Shade of Pale – Procal Harum
Nothing Compares To You – Sinead O’Connor (Yes, please, stab me in the heart)
Shape of my Heart – Sting (great song…not about love! About gambling!)
Africa – Toto
The Flame – Cheap Trick
Handle With Care – Traveling Wilburys (yey!)
Beth – Kiss
How Long – Jessy
Why? – Annie Lennox (ok, this one killed me) :(
Invincible – Pat Benetar (oh, and Love is a Battlefield too)
Superfreak – Rick James Bitch! (she’s super phrealyee! Wow!)
Funky Cold Medina - Tone Loc
Heaven – Warrant
Turning Japanese – The Vapors
I Gotta Know Tonight – Darius (I got a tip for ya Darius…you don’t gotta know tonight)
Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin
Somebody’s Watchin Me – Rockwell
Every Breath You Take – The Police
Dream On – Aerosmith
Mr. Roboto – Styx (you know this is actually a sad song…”I’m not a hero, I’m not a savior…”)
Building a Mystery – Sarah McLaughlin (you bee-yew-ti-ful fucked up man!)
Manic Depression – Jimmy Hendrix (TELL me about it…)
I Will Get By - The Grateful Dead
Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
Let it Whip – Dazz Band
The Hook - Blues Traveler (true dat)
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Evil Woman - ELO
Angie - The Rolling Stones
Love Song – Telsa (ahhh…good one *sniff* )
And...LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
Scenes From An Itlaian Restaurant - Willy Joel

102.7FM, The Jack, rocks my world! This is not a paid advertisement.

Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function?

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hooking up words and phrases and clauses.
Conjunction Junction, how's that function?
I got three favorite cars. That get most of my job done.
Conjunction Junction, what's their function?
I got "and", "but", and "or", They'll get you pretty far.
"And": That's an additive, like "this and that"."
But":That's sort of the opposite, "Not this but that".
And then there's "or":O-R, when you have a choice like "This or that".
"And", "but", and "or", Get you pretty far.
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
Hooking up two boxcars and making 'em run right.
Milk and honey, bread and butter, peas and rice.
Hey that's nice!
Dirty but happy, digging and scratching,Losing your shoe and a button or two.
He's poor but honest, sad but true,Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!...

I KNOW you all remember Schoolhouse Rock learning assistance ditties, right? Sadly, posted above is only half of this little song, created to help us understand conjunctions and not write run on sentences like those often times found in both my blog and in my professional work. Today, I am editing copy for my literature RE-written by PROFESSIONAL WRITERS and since I can't call them up and call them flippin idiots and sing this little song to them, I'm gonna share it with you, because Im SURE you alllllll know the proper way to utilize a conjunction, si?

Ugh! Its amazing to me the crap that people can write and then want to publish 10,000 copies of to the professional community! And on top of it, I already WROTE the copy...they were "tweaking" it with their paid "professionals". I could get my little cousins to do a better job just based on the fact that they too are fans of SHR! The semi-jazzy, New Orleansesque sound of Schoolhouse Rock's Conjunction Junction were helpful to me as a child, teenager and college writer too. ;) I mean, yeah, it annoyed people in my college courses when I would start singing aloud, "EnCYClopediahhh! E-N-C-Y-C-L-O-P-E-Deee-eye-aaaaaayyy!!" in order to ensure the proper spelling of (and dont get me going on the earfood that is learning to spell Massachusetts, Mississippi and Connecticut! Thank you Schoolhouse!) So yeah, I'm a sucker for Grammar Rock dudes and dudettes. :)

I'm contemplating sending my "writers" the link to my other favorite Grammar Rock Hits, such as, Busy Prepositions (Like a butterfly, or like a bee, like an ant, as busy as can be...the 'busy P's' are Prepositions!), Unpack Your Adjectives (I unpacked "frustrating" first...), Lolly Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here (Ready pop? Yep. Ready son? Uh-huh. Let's go!), and last but not least, Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla (who wouldnt want a KANGAROO to teach them pronouns?!).

Anyway, THANK YOU MOM, and thank you Schoolhouse Rock for making learning fun. Little did they know that I am somewhat learning impaired in that I would mix songs up and frequently become frustrated by the fact that our last name is in fact the qualifying ending to an adverb, not to include adjectives such as UG-LEE and HOME-LEE, etc but rather, adverbs like QUICK-LEE and ANGRIL-LEE, etc. ;)

Ok, so laaa diiii daaaaa! You can go sing along with your old favorites too now that I gave ya the hook-up. Here ya go! I hope SHR doesn't ask me who I gave the link to (DOH! I ended a sentence with a preposition, Jack Sheldon's gonna have my arse!)

Have a fabulous, conjunction filled day bloggies!
:) me

ps: if you have issues learning about our country's origin, multiplication tables, science, money (AMERICAN money thank you), or computers (not really including video games), then BE SURE to visit SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK, boiiiiiiii!

pss: Ultimately I am thanking DISNEY, which along with Coca-Cola and Ted Turner own the whole planet. Thank you planet owners! Now, could someone float this blog to my Ad Agency? Puweeeease? (j/k)

Songs of the Day...Mainly Dedications (favoring conjunctions of course...)
Sad BUT True - Metallica
Should I Stay OR Should I Go? - The Clash

Let's hear a few more in the comments section, what do ya say? Game on!

NO ONE LIKES AN acQUITTER!

One last bloggy before I end this lovely day. JACKO IS INNOCENT! So says the jury of his non-adolescent peers! Let us rejoice!

I think you guys will like this little link/game below and let us all visit it in celebration of Michael's acquittal. It's the MJ Celebrity Sounboard. Once you get this bad boy going you're sure to laugh longtime! :) (compliments of The Dizzinator...ewww)

MICHAEL JACKSON CELEBRITY SOUNDBOARD

Im sure most of you have noticed by now (and it has confused some --JOHN!) but I changed my blog look. Yes...Im diggin this serene blurry leaf thingy going on at the top here--haha NOT! Blogger has like NO templates to choose from! Yeah...I said it Blogger! I'm working on something a little more...ummm I dunno...I was going to say purple but apparenly that cant be my favorite color anymore since HH stole it. Hooker. ;) Anyway, please visit my links on the right side over here, especially the Chicken to Ride link. I think you'll get a kick out of that and if you don't, we're breaking up as friends.

"Hello? I could be agent M. HELLO?!"
-Jacko in Men in Black II

"Friends' Quiz Results Sad and Startling"...on the next lauralee blogspot.

Ok, I will admit, that the quiz was purposefully made to be difficult but some of you did ok! Look at Little Lee! She did great! ;) The rest of you jokers don't even know me at all! Just joking, you did great. I had so much fun reading your results. Thanks SO much for taking it! Especially those of you who don't really know me that well...though if you really read and pay attention to what I write you would have gotten a 100%, and that, and a dollar, will get you a cup of coffee. :) Unless its Starbucks, then it wont get you shit.

Without further adieu...here are the CORRECT answers!

1) My favorite singing/songwriting artist(s) of all time?
b) The Carpenters

2) How old was I when I REALLY lost my virginity?
b) 15 (I know...I know)

3) Whats my favorite shot?
b) Lick it, Slam it, Suck it (tequila)

4) How many sisters do I have?
c) three

5) Is the word funny more funny when it's spelled phunny?
d) this question isnt even ABOUT you but its so retarded that it actually suits you Licky

6) My ethnic background is:
d) Spirish

7) Whats my favorite non-alcoholic beverage?
c) Gingerale

8) Whats my favorite color?
a) purple (haha! sorry! dirty trick!)

9) What was MY favorite childhood game to play with E and C?
d) Three Stooges (mine...not YOURS or what you think it should be!)

10) What is my best talent?
a) Free Style rap - BAAAAM! Yo I'm Crazy Silly Fresh DJ Cradle Rock! BAAAM!

Thanks for all your raving emails telling me how much my quiz sucked. I am posting the one NICE email I got (from Lindsay):

Okay- so I got GINGERALE wrong- what?? Is that seriously your favorite non-alcoholic drink? I picked the crystal-light raspberry- haha, maybe b/c it's one of MY favorite non-alcoholic drinks! And the free style rap I missed- you are good at that, but I picked "being your best friend" Hmm what else did I miss- oh your fave childhood game- I picked Neil Diamond concert- that's what it should be- I knew you guys would dress up and perform Neil D songs...Did I still do okay on your quiz even though I got a D?

Yes...and I still love you! haha That was good. You're lucky we didnt make YOU play Neil Diamond concert game with us Linz. My sister, Erin objected to the Three Stooges game answer to which I quickly reminded her that she wasnt involved as often because she was too little for us to hit without getting in trouble! ;)

Thanks for taking my quiz! Thanks Chris Lee for counter-quizzing and berating me and all my friends. Thats how you win luv brutha...good move.

At least he didnt ask to stick it in Diaz...

Click to read the "Dying Wish" article. Im pretty sure its not satirical in nature whatsoever. ;) Sorry I took down the actual article from my blog and added the link here, but was so large that it knocked all my links n' stuff down to the bottom of the blog and we need those! ESPECIALLY the first link on my new list of links to the left here...whoops I mean your other left (down the right side). Always good for a smile. And we all know I just like smiling. Smiling's my favorite! ;)

I wish you all your dying wishes...and if youre lucky, a chicken to ride. :)

luv,
me

Song of the Day:
Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad - Meatloaf

How yoo kno dat?

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Ok, so this is toooooo kewl! I heisted it from Tom, and I lurve it! It's a quiz about me where I built all the questions. See how you doo-doo, k? You can use a secret code name so I won’t know how sucky you did, but what if you do great? ;) Maybe that can be part of MY challenge, to figure who is who!

Ok...go take it...it takes 2 seconds...

Love ya!
LL

If I hadn't assembled myself, Id have fallen apart by now!

Stay tuned for a progress blog on thelauralee...but I wanted to at least share the title of this entry with you. Food for thought. Not low-cal either.

By the way I am so hungry, ugh! How many Weight Watchers points do you think there are in MY HEAD? Cuz Im gunna eat it...

Thats QUACKTASTIC!

You know those lines at the grocery store with only books and no candy or toys, made for mom's to go through with their cart full of brats? This aisle exists so that she doesn't have to get all the way to the parking lot to have learned as she goes to put her 2 year old in the car seat that she's got to go back into the store with half a pack of grape Hubba Bubba and admit that yes, her toddler is an aspiring cleptomaniac and she'd like to pay for those four pieces that he mamanged to shove in his mouth in the 10 feet from the exit to the illegal handicap space she was parked in. Yeah...well that aisle was also made for me. Well, unfortuanately for me but fortunately for the empire that is Giant Food, I was in line at the Giant last week and I saw they had these Furyville creatures for sale for $2 a piece and they were all funny and cute but this one was my favorite:


and yes...thats my crusty fingernail pointing to the title that says:
NURSE QUACKTITIONER!

The title is the entire reason I bought this toy! Thats so cluckin funny and cute! In fact I have an appointment with Dr. Suess next week (you all know who see is if you're a regular fan of thelauralee) and she's actually a Nurse Practitioner, so I think she will like that! Not to mention, this little thing is an inch and a half tall. My finger is actually there for scale as well ;) Its sooooooo cute! Plus, I love ducks, almost as much as I love monkeys so yey for my find! :) I brought it home and showed it to Nikki who said, "That's the dumbest thing Ive ever seen, you paid MONEY for this???"

hehe, I sure did!!! It's QUUUUUUUUACK-tastic!

A few small niblets of fun before I go:

-102.7 FM!!!!!! Check it out! The Jack- 80's, some cheesy classic rock, some soft rock (the good stuff, not the new stuff). I luv it I luv it I luv! FIFTY YEARS OLD! KICK! ;)

-I REALLY like my songs of the day :) Love songs rule.

-Check out this Motely Crue:

WHFStival Preparty...I had a lot of fun that day :)

Songs of the Day:
Woman - John Lennon
Hey Julie - Fountains of Wayne

Canadians are people from another country, did you know that?

No matter how much I tend to think that Canada is the 51st state, it's a different country altogether! These people are foreigners to me and I'm the strong, smart, rich, giant to the south of them. Just kidding, typical American attitude (America! Fuck yeah! Comin to save the MF day yeah!) Really though, as Americans we are just so ignorant. I really and truly think of Canadians as friendly, laid-back, benign Americans most times, and they arent at all. In fact they hate us! ;) Nah...not really, but its a nice reminder of your cultural differences when you actually spend more than 15 minutes disputing over whether or not Canadian money looks like monopoly money (its soooo prittteeee) and how Americans are 'morons' because our money is all the same color. We're simply retarded for same-colored money (much different than their same-sex marriages mind you) and here's why... for the mere reason that when you are shitfaced its hard to see how much you're giving the waitress/bartender, when you can't identify it by color. Now THAT is interesting. And entire culture and economical mini-me empire that's built around being FUBAR (F-ed Up Beyond All Recognition). Also, its always deep and meaninglful to discuss whether an eagle could kick a beaver's ass. Shew-wee, my boss's money is so well spent now that we got that worked out. Apparently (according to these foreigners) beavers are actually quite crafty and shrewd and can build great things and make major changes in nature and humbly at that. Ohhhhhhkay, so there are NO proud beavers? I know one! ;) According to them, an eagle has no real purpose and just lazily flies around like his shit doesnt stink, much like a cocky American would and on top of it, is practically extinct and that this is poetic because (and let me see if I can quote him properly here as to avoid a Canadian libel suit), "throughout history, all empires have fallen. The US wont be a super-power forever, its Empire will become extinct, just like their Eagle." Bee-yew-tiful! As far as they are concerned, we should have made our national animal the terydactile. Thats fine, I see thier silly point, although, I'm still convinced that even a terydactile could kick a beaver's ass. Plus likely, that beaver is drunk if he's Canadian. Beer muscles.

Mmmmm what else? Oh...light beer. Canadian beer IS like moonshine! I've got the hangover today to prove it, I assure you and last night was a 'light drinking night'! Happy to report I did no shots nor did I have any hard alcohol so I'm sticking to my goals about the alcohol (though I could certainly lower the amount consumed) and as far as diet...well, goin just ok. I prolly drank all my points for the day by 2pm yesterday, but I also got on the treadmill drunk last night, so that counts for something right? I had to get off because I was thirsty for more beer, but I still got a lil exercise in. Also, there is a Pizza Hut IN my hotel. This is not good. But I havent called them and wont (riiiiiiight???) Plus I hate foreign pizza ;) That's not peperoni...its bald eagle knowing those hateful bastards from the north! That's ok, a lot of us Americans eat beaver every chance we get, so I guess we're even, eh? ;)

So anyway, this is just to pop on and say HELLOOOOOO from the Great White North. Theres not much thats white about it besides Sean (my coworker and friend, for those of you who dont know who I mean), but he's so white that that he's doing his part to keep it real I guess...real Canadian that is. ;) I met a friend of his last night (quid pro quo...he met Linz and Nikki) and he was a load of fun as well. Two salespeople and a marketing person sitting at multiple bars chugaluggin...you can imagine it was very professional, eh? haha NOT. Anyway, great time, and glad we got that whole beaver-colored money thing straighted out. They still think Andrew Jackson looks like Harry Carey and I still think that purple money is pretty and belongs in my scrap book...all .75362759673056 of it (in relation to the "good stuff"...the American dollar).

Ok, I'm done, just like the NHL (awwwwwwww...soooo saaaaaaad) :( but wanted to say bonjour and tell you what a good time I was having (and not paying for anything, I'm in heaven!) I had $100 when I left and I still have every cent! woo hoo! So that's 5 Harry Carey's in my pocket that are just sitting there un-sqwadered. If you listen real hard, you might hear then asking one another, "Heeeeeey! If you were a beaver, would ya eat yerself?! I would...and then I'd wash me down with a tall kewl Budwisah!" or, "Heeeeey...if the moon was made of delicious spare ribs bought with colored money would you eat it? It's a simple ques-chun, would ya?!"

Bubye all you Yankee Doodle Dandies! :)

Mama always said...

I was just talking to a coworker about Forrest Gump today. Yes...productive. Especially for someone who has a week long business trip starting Monday in another country and hasn't prepared for it.

What a good movie (with good music) and I especially love how it provided our pop culture with phrases such as "You managed to 'Forrest Gump' your way through that!" Which applies mainly if you area moron but everything seems to fall into place for you. I've never been accused of having done this. Hmmmm...

What else have we learned? Oh, Stupid is as stupid does, life is like a box of chocolates--you never know what you're gonna get, strippers taste like cig-guh-rett-ssss, and best of all, when someone asks you if you've found Jesus yet, you know to tell them, "I didn't know I was supposed to be lookin for him."

Mmmmm...and..."I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." Yes me too Forrest. It's when you do everything for someone and love them and follow them around the country and defend them and tell everyone you're like peas and carrots, and that person does everything in their power to fuck up their own life and yours. Thats love baby. Then again, he did bulldoze Jen-hey's house :(

Anyway, I'm of course rambling again but I wanted to say goodbye and tell you that today I decided to print out my entire blog, from beginning to end (Feb-June) and HOLY SHIT!!! What's wrong with you people?! I write too much! I'm M-E-N-T-A-L. I'm not kidding you, it's 251 printed pages and its nearly 2 inches thick (the print out). What a nut.

I need to pull it together and get it published, prolly under self help or studies of mental patients. It's so erratic too, the way I jump around. Thought you might want to know that you've read 251 pages (if you're a TRUE fan) of my writing. Howz that make you feel about yourself? haha ...On that note, I'll use one of Forrest's lines and tweak it a bit to suit me:

"Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could blog like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was ever going somewhere, I was BLOG-UH-GING!!" ;)

Here's a funny for you:
Keep this in mind if you ever want to photocopy your ass and you are...portly. ;) Click me

I want to be where the yaks can run free! ...where the Royal Mounties, can't arrest meeee!

My blog has now become my personal assistant. I dictate to it what my appointments are, my to do list, to whom to send flowers and soon enough it will be picking up my dry cleaning and some skim milk at the Food Lion, but we're working on that. So, don't be surprised if my blog calls you ups and says, “Ms. Lee would like to schedule lunch with you at the Parkway diner for 1pm, does that work for you?" So when you get the call...

I officially have no date for Christy’s slamming wedding reception tomorrow night. :( SO...I'm taking the same person I took to prom, my brother! haha jk, I didn’t take him to prom but I prolly would of had a even better time if I had! So we're gonna go tear it up. Plus Christy knows him and loves him and we'll have a good time. I actually can't think of a better replacement for HWSNBN, who would have been a blast at this thing.

I'm going to Canada next week. Hence the title of this blog. I will prolly get a chance or two to blog since I will be in the Toronto Tate Office during the day and have a laptop, etc. I'm actually VERY MUCH looking forward to going. I wasn’t before, but Sean has been so fucking cool and calling to check on me everyday to see how I am and he's been very compassionate and hopeful and given me a lot of good advice, being that he's a recovering lying slut himself, and has taken me...his protege, under his wing. Heh, jk Sean He reassures me that you can have real feelings for someone and be a fuck up. Though I just don’t think I want to see that. So anyway, we're gonna party for my birthday and he's picking me up in Buffalo and meeting me at the gate (with a bouquet of dead flowers) and driving me into Toronto since he doesn’t think I'll make it over the border alone anyway, least not that border,...maybe the Mexican one. So...we'll have a good time. I miss my Sean. He's the one other non-relative guy on this planet who I genuinely connect with and he makes me laugh nonstop. In a different time, a different place, and if he weren’t Canadian b/c I hate those MFs, I would love me some Sean! ;)

Aloha campers! Have a GREAT and happy weekend!

Songs of the Day:
Since You Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson (don’t worry, we all love it Chris! )
Oh Canada! - Five Iron Frenzy (one of my fav all time songs!)
Sugar - Trick Daddy

Nikkis t*tties, doing your sister, In Duran Duran's dressing Room.

The fold over game. So we ate like wops and drank like mics on Saturday and there was too mach cellphone playing going on, so we decided that we're going to play a game or two. Lindsay says, "Let's play the fold over game!"

Now, this is after a short game of, "Figure out who you are" where you put the name of a celebrity on someone's back and they have to ask questions and figure out who they are. Just to highlight, Nikki was Anna Nicole once and Verne Troyer the next round (loved this one), Lindsay was Moses the first round and Ben Still the next (sticking with the whew theme), Chris was Gene Simmons one round and Paris Hilton the next (the ringer questions was, "Am I a slut?"), Julia the Canadian was...actually who the hell was she? Lindsay help! I remember Brad was President Bush, I was OJ Simpson I think, and we made Chris's girlfriend Julia be "CHRIS LEE" one round. Haha! That was so funny, she was saying over and over, "Do I LIKE this person?" haha We were unsure of what to tell her! ;)

Ok, so Lindsay suggests the fold over game. This game was invented by Carol Lee (our mom) in the 80's to keep her annoying kids quiet and teach us how to be filthy minded creative writers.

SIDE BAR HERE: Chris has a blog now! He made several lovely comments on my blog such as '2 in the pink and one in the stink..." on my birthday blog, and then commented on Lindsays blog berating her, and then decided to create his own! Naturally...I linked him. See the links on the side here...he's C-Lee Killa Bee. I also linked John and Eric finally! So check out the little monster's blog. He wrote a disgusting entry about how he got the name "Dizzinator" on there already and it's unsavory.

Ok, so Carol invented this game, the fold over game, and also makes outrageous claims like she invented the question mark too! ;) Actually, she did invent Balderdash before it came out but we called it the Dictionary Game then. One time we played that when the power went out and Chris got the word, 'finnochio' and said it was: Milk from the teet of a rat, milked by the hand of a wooden boy. He never won this game, b/c he went for humor over accuracy, I WON this game a lot! Woo hoo! It's nice to win SOMETHING. Nikki was there for that. That's the time when my mom peed her pants Nik! Good times... ("do not read in robot")

So Lindsay and I loved this game. She taught us to play it one night when we were having a slumber party and we played that game ALL NIGHT and subsequently thereafter at most parties. We are nerds but it is FUNNY when you are with funny, dirty people. The premise of the game is this:

1) Get pieces of paper and pens. You should have at least 3 people to play but you really only need 2. It's more fun with multiple people.

2) Each person takes a piece and a pen and then proceeds to write a "PERSON" or "THING" on the top. Anything. Any combination of people or things and people. It can be the Boston Pops, It can be Laura and the Snake, it can be Gandhi and a hoard of lesbians (as we learned Saturday). Anything.

3) Then, fold that over twice and pass to the person on your left. Then, with your new piece of paper, you write an "ACTION" or combination of multiple actions. Here is where it gets exciting...

4) Fold and pass. Take your new piece and write a "PLACE". 'Inside Lindsay's sphincter' is ok. 'In your fucking face' is better.

5) Place your folded paper in a basket or bin. Everyone takes one out and then go around the room and read them. It's going to be hard to decipher what they are saying, they might be laughing SO hard and pissing themselves.

GREAT GAME. Lindsay, I think in my childhood note box in the basement, I may have saved a few of them from when we were kids. I have to find that. Surely Bob Elizer and some other fun ones should be in there.

Here are a few examples from Saturday, my friends...maybe you had to be there, but FUN-EE!!! It also gets funnier knowing who wrote what. Chris's were of course very disgusting and totally offensive and inappropriate (ie: Jean Benet)

* Nikki's titties, fucking your sister Erin, oin Duran Durans dressing room. (haha! by the way, last night she said that was reasonable, she would do just about anything in their dressing room. Look out Erin!)

*Pac-Man, porking porky pigs pink puckered rosebud, in the tomb of Jesus. (we're going to hell)

*Brad, farting, onstage at the BSO. (Nice work B-rad.)

*Eddie Murphy, f*cking Billy Idol onstage with Benji from Good Charlotte, in your mom.

*Conan O'Brien, using a gerbil to satisfy his anal needs, in the dark chasm of Elton John's sphincter. (By the way, can I just note that I didnt know Colleen was as dirty and mental as she really is?! haha)

*Colonel Sanders and Lindsay, picked Ryan Seacrest's butt hairs with tweezers, at an all gay men's cockwash.

*Mr. T, running a train on Bea Arthur, in a dark alley in Baltimore! (MY FAV!)

*Sir F*cks a lot, drank Pee-Wee Hermans dirty bathwater, in you fucking face. (which you should shut, Uncle Fucka!)

*Michael Jackson, drank a bottle of MadDog 20/20 and threw up all night long, in a horse's stable.

*Anthony Fenderov, pooped green diarrhea, at a Tijuana Donkey Show. (good place Chris!)

*Bob Barker, picking dingleberries off of a Mexican's asshole, in a dressing room at Fashion Bug.

*Cancer boy, licking fun juice from a taint (ewww!), in Richard Marx's backyard.

*Carrottop and Erin Lee, drunk and naked, sucked off Johnny Carson, in the gas chamber in a concentration camp in Auchwitz. (who was trying to get SERIOUS here? Nikki?!)

*Brittany Spear's unborn baby, furiously jerked off to a picture of Monica Lewinsky, on the Red Line.

*12 Angry Hooters girls, licking Andy Dicks balls, in the cafeteria at Ikea.

*Justin Timberlake and Cher, eating Lindsay Lohans yeast infection, in a circus tent full of horny midgets.

*Gandhi and a hoard of lesbians, switching lick-a-sticks with Lindsay, underneath Gary Colemans steaming poo stream. (wtf?!)

*Homer Simpson and Paris Hilton, braided Weird Als pubic hairs, in Pee Wee Hermans Playhouse.

* Corky Thatcher from "Life Goes on", giving Daddy Warbucks a golden shower, in the middle of a Mexican gang initiation.

*Osama Bin Laden, projectile diarrheaing (is this a word?) on a camel at full speed, in the trunk of Nikkis Toyota Camery.

That's all I got people. Was that sick or what? We laughed so hard. The alcohol helped our brains to create this nasty work. God, we are so sick! :)

Hope you enjoyed! I had a great time at the party! Thanks for coming everyone!

Song:
People are Strange - The Doors

My Anaconda don't want none unless you got Buds, hon!

Satan is in our garden of Eden (aka Hickory Knoll). Soon enough, he will be offering us the big apple. I hope it’s in the form of an Appletini (God, I cant stop thinking about them now that I cant have them!) I asked Nikki yesterday, “Why can’t GOD live under our stoop, and not Satan?” She seems to think we’re not good enough for that.

So, we have no picture of the serpent, because both of us are complete pussies and can’t be near or on the stoop for longer than 3 seconds without squealing or jumping or hyperventilating. Also last night was trash night and we decided it would be best to eat and watch an ENTIRE MOVIE (Sideways. Interesting) and THEN take out the trash, which was to include a giant empty Char-broil grill box on the BACK patio. That is 1) a nice place for snakes to hang out in…it’s like a fort and 2) means we would have to drag it around the side of the house out to the parking lot for recycling. It’s too big to fit up the stairs (or we’re too lazy, I dunno). So we naturally have 400 bags of trash, that are WET from the rain and plentiful from the party, plus it’s recycle night. Upon viewing our bin on any other Tuesday, one might think we need a sponsor and quick. However, after my b-day party and one refrigerator cleaning initiated on Monday, this bitch was FULL. Full of water too. L Nikki makes me carry everything that’s either gross, wet, or snake oriented and I’m still upset!

So we carry the regular trash out at warp speed. Then I leak alcohol remains from the recycling bin all over the house and down the sidewalk (which made me think of a great idea and that would be to take all that excess liquid in the bin and drain it into a shot glass and call it a “dirty Mexican” and make someone DRINK it! Nikki gagged). NOW…she wants to go get the box. We get it and check for snakes by shaking the box and screaming (this works) and then we proceed to scream and prance very fast up the side of the hill, dodging the imagined bed of snakes beneath our feet in the dark.

By the way there are now FIVE snake holes in our front garden. He’s just going to town out there. Harriet fucking Tubman Snake. I hate him.

So basically, we’re screwed. He’s not alone, this is just common sense. Plus Nikki talked to her coworker who is apparently some snake charming reptile expert who said that they are only aggressive during mating season. I ask Nikki, “Well when’s mating season?” she says, “Now.” Ok yesssssssss….this is comforting! Then she says that his EYES were electric flippin blue and cloudy because that means he’s about to shed. Do you know how hard I will gag when I see a snake skin near the house? And mind you it will be about 3 miles long since he’s ginormous. THEN, she said that he told her that when they are getting ready to shed like that, they can generally climb concrete and brick. Hmmmmm…guess what our house is made of! He’s prolly in my bed right now. It’s nice there. So we’re not happy. I’m actually not even being funny here when I say that I am very upset over this snake. We’re convinced he hates us because we stomped, yelled and sprayed him with water. Plus, Nikki said he even called me fat. That is SO rude.

This all started on Monday after I got back from the grocery store, and out of laziness, loaded all my groceries (a la WW) from the car onto the front stoop so I could then transfer them from the stoop to the kitchen without having to open the door 500 times. I do that and THEN, I bend down next to the step to get my Diet Cherry Pepsi (I’m rating this average for right now, it’s nothing compared to Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper) and OMFG!!! Can you guess what I did? Remember what thelauralee does when faced with animal danger (ie: pit bulls). I stood there silently looking at the biggest MF snake I’ve seen outside the zoo in ages. All curled up sunning himself. Blue eyes (that late became ‘piercing’ and ‘electric’ as the story was told by Nikki on the phone when calling for advice on what to do about it besides, “LOCK THE DOORS”.

Then…he sees me. His nasty tongue flicking. I think he told me to go kill someone or steal something, but I’m not sure because I ran into the house flipping out and had to calmly tell Nikki, since this is a girl who will freak out and yell and run up the stairs if I accidentally look behind her with a weird look on my face. I tell her…she comes out to look. That bitch is still chillin. At this point we need to do what Kelly Rippa had phrased with the world that very morning, to Chillax. Chill out. Relax. That wasn’t happening. Then we actually did GARDENING and stayed away from that part of the stoop, but I was checking it every 5 seconds. The next DAY we find 5 snake holes IN the garden where I was pulling up weeding with my bare hands. I’m not kidding you when I say that I would have to spend a week in Crownsville at LEAST if I was bitten by a snake. Year of therapy wouldn’t erase that. And I don’t think I live with someone who would suck out the poison or rip the snake out of my arm. Actually, if I put my arm to her mouth, and move it back and forth and do all the work, then she would consider sucking it. ;)

So yeah…we’re never gardening again. I was walking all over that yard in bare feet. I HAAAAAAAATE snakes. I’m obsessed with it. I thought about it all day and so did she. We talked about it all night. She then asked me if I hated the snake more than {insert name of someone she thinks I hate}. I think and say, “NO”. I ask her, “do you hate the snake more than {insert name of person}. She thinking very quickly and says NO! I hate the snake more. I was stunned! How could this be? She said basically that she didn’t think that person would bite her, but the snake would. Makes sense I guess.

Later yet we were n the deck (and yes I was afraid it was going to get me on the deck) and I asked if she thought he/she was having a lot of snake babies and would our yard be infested with snakes? She said she thought so but wasn’t sure, but that she would ask the Snake man at work, since he knows so much about snakes. Nikki knows a lot about them too, seeing as how her dad fears them and she once watched him squeal and run from the shed with his pants around his ankles b/c he had a snake in them. Again…Crownsville I tell you. I would not recover. So I asked her if snakes had sex. She said YES. I immediately said, “NO THEY DON’T!” and she’s like, “Why’d you ask then?” and I said, “They lay EGGS, there are probably thousands of them under the stoop” She still insists that they do in fact have sex and furthermore I would know more about having sex with snakes then she would. Point taken.

So that brings us to today. I have to work tonight at Curves and imagine it will be dark when I get home and I wont be able to see the stoop. :( That sucks. Hey Nikki, if you pick up some EYE OF NEWT on the way home, maybe we can make snake potions tonight. Or maybe just tacos.

You know, I think this is symbolic or something. I might have a theory brewing as to why there is a snake guarding our house. Maybe it’s a sign…

Songs of the Psyche:
Union of the Snake – Duran Duran
Snake Eyes – ACDC
Slither – Metallica
Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones (how apropos)

*Speaking of snakes (trouser snakes that is). Check out this handy dandy guide for couples on “What’s okay” in the bedroom. You are going to LOVE this. Here is an excerpt that I was especially ‘touched’ by, from the “dirty talking” section:

“…But why not just use the "proper words" someone will ask? Unfortunately the proper words we have to communicate about sex tend to be cold and clinical. Trying to express the emotion and desire of sex with these words is difficult to impossible. Do phrases like, "Please initiate coitus immediately" or "My sexual climax is imminent" communicate the thoughts and feelings as well as a more "colorful" phrase would?”

Uh oh Bloggies…I better go…my sexual climax is imminent!!!

Ketchup!

There's a daddy tomato, a mommy tomato, and a baby tomato walking down the street. The baby tomato starts lagging behind the mommy and daddy tomato so the daddy tomato turns around and says "ketchup."

I won't insult your intelligence by telling you what movie that was from. ;) This short little case of blogarrhea is to catch up on a few things before I get too behind. It's odd how this blog has become me. I think about it all the time, always check it, prolly once a day, at least on work days...I talk about my feelings, my life and share my maniacal thoughts on it. It's just a blogspot, but it's almost has a pulse or something. Thats weird and kind of creepy. Anyhoo...KETCHUP!

Talia Marie! Welcome to the world! Theresa and Dave had themselves morphed into one really cute blond and she finally hatched on May 22! Happy to share my birthday with the new little Gemini! Beware...she's going to be a real trip. Mood swinga baby. She's A Taurus Cusp too. The 22nd is the first day of Gemini. Ok...now the crystal ball is getting fuzzy and the incense just set one of Nikki's doilies on fire, so enough of the new age hooey. CONGRATULATIONS! I saw the picture and it's surreal! She looks like a cabbage patch kid, so cute! And, correct me if I'm wrong everyone, but is that child SMILING in the pic? Haha...two days old and smiling. Thats Mama T's girl alright (plus she looks just like you T and has your nose). We should all have a big baby party where we all come and bring our babies. One of you will have to not be invited though, so I can borrow your baby for the party. Sorry. Anyway-- she's beautiful! I'm so happy for you guys! Sleepless in Severn I'm guessing? I'm right up the road when you're ready for a visit. Babies love me. That's because they don't know anything yet.

My birthday: I will blog about the party, but for right now I want to say thank you for all of the gifts and fun stuff you did for me, unless you didnt do anything and then this isnt to you ;)

*Linz and Colleen: Everytime I open the fridge and see that Yeungling in a MF can, left over from Colleen's birthday that you brought and gave to me, I become vaclempt (sniff). Thank you! Also thanks for the shnazy bottle of Shiraz Cabernet! Love that stuff and I will drink some and then pour some on our nice new white carpet for my homies (jk Nikki, dont shit). Also I'd like to thank you for another exhilirating night at Dr. Dreamos on Sunday. Nothing gets me hotter than chicken fingers, Natty Bohs and beer pong. Oh and the Beehive. Thanks girls!

*Julia Guila: My Cannuckian sweetie! SO Great to hang out with you again. Apparently I didnt molest you enough at Colleens Bowl-a-rama, so I'm glad I got a chance to snuggle on Saturday and teach you the fold over game! I'm so glad you have a cell phone too, or I dont think you woud have gotten into my party. Sorry, VIP only, cellys up, ho's down. Thank you Oh Canada for the bottle of Appletini! Oh baby you know what I like! Oh and if you read that little snipit yesterday about no more Appletinis, that was bullshit, I didn't mean it. ;) Maybe I will just hold on to it and give it to you on your b-day tomorrow?! haha

*Nikki: that purple sweater thang that you gave me is SEX-AY! I cannot wait to wear that. Linz...you'll like it. It's purple. Last year I wore a lot of purple and then you started to copy me, so I started to copy your 2004 look with all the pink. Now I'm taking back the purple (there will be a candlelight vigil this evening). Thanks also for those chocolate balls with hazlenuts in them (what the heck are they called?) that you got me to keep in my nightstand b/c I'm always asking you for the chocolate in YOUR nightstand. :) Well, I have to tell you, it didnt even make it to the nightstand. Eiiiiyyyyyy ATE IT! mmmmm Lastly, thanks so much for the mani and pedi gift certificate! I love that. We're going together. This time I will shave my legs and have less bruises. I promise. Though I must warn you, I went in to get my eyebrows waxed a couple weeks ago and they recognized me and were talking about me in Chinese and even though I had on capris and you couldnt see my legs, while I was in the wax room, she asked me if I wanted my legs waxed. Along with my LIP! "Yew-won-yo-leep-wax?" :(

*Brad: Thank for making me spend a bazillion dollars on my b-day by buying a grill ;) Actually thanks for getting me out of the house and busy and movin. I was super sad n' slushy this weekend and I planned on laying on the floor and not moving until the guests arrived, but you got me up, laughing, talking, sweating ;) and grilling. It's a pleasure to be in touch with you E.T.. Stop hitting on everyone though. Oh and stop farting on stage at the BSO too. (this will make sense later...)

*Chris (my bro) and Julia: I'm wearing your gift right now. Thats it though! haha Ewwwwwwwwwwww (that's what he's saying). You gave me a pair of earrings, gold and white gold, dangle, and I LOVE THEM. So sexy and classy! That was SO generous of you two and even though it's hard for me to accept that from you two strugglin young cuties, I looooove goooooooooold :) Actually I've gotten so many compliments. I was so touched. Thanks Chrissy, from your sissy. ;) He hates it when I say that...haha. Oh one more thing...thanks also for the case of Corona and Sam Adams! Mmmmmm....beeeeer. I'm starting to notice a pattern in what people gave me as gifts...

*Thanks everyone for the emails, cards, phone calls and assasination attempts (or at least the threats). Much appreciated! Don't forget the cruise in 2007.

Ok...moving on...

HOPPY HOPPY BIRTHDAY to the following creatures:
*May 18: My momma! Thanks for the life n' all. It's been pretty neat-o.
*May 27: Shaunzie! Happy birthday Shauna! You're old as HELL! Love you my Gemini's twin!
*June 2: JULIA GULIA! Is it your birthday here in the U.S. too, or just in Canada? With Civic Day, I get confused n' all. ;)
*June 10: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEW MAMA T! 10 years ago tomorrow you were walking the stage at graduation right? Now your choochie is healing and you're nursing a small person. That was prolly the same in '95 too actually ;)

Ok thats all I got to ketchup on besides the SNAKE issue and the fold over game :). I'll get right on that shizzle.

Song of the Psyche:
Best of You - Foo Fighters
*I'm really digging this diddy. First of all it kicks some ass...rocks the fuckin house and kicks some ass (sorry Tenacious D reference again, but thought it would be ok since DG from FF likes em too). Secondly, it's got a quick beat. I keep picturing "Animal" Hawkins flying all over the place like a puppet in Team America! Lastly, it's so ANGRY! I'm with you Father Grohl. Don't worry...he's not getting all her best now. I worried about this with two men who are no longer with me and, the truth of the matter is...YOU were their best.