Fire in the hole!!!

Guess how many Weight Watchers points is in a (hmm let me consult the menu)...Jumbo half-smoke with mustard, onions and of course, firey chili?

Second question: How many bottles of Extra Strength Pepto Bismal is it going to take me to level out after one of those bad-boys?

Now, refigure your answers to questions 1 and 2, adding a chili cheese fries. :P

Now, add to that a chocolate milkshake, two Angina pills and some sort of upper to bring me out of the chili-induced coma I'll be in, and that's what I have to look forward to tonight! WOO HOO!
So as you might have guessed...I'm going to Ben's Chili Bowl tonight. For those of you are unfamiliar with Ben's (and for those of you who are going to scream in vegetarian horror...JEANNA), it's a long running, heart-attack friendly hot dog shop in Northwest Washington, DC. This establishment, as Dave's friend Reuben likes to say, is legitimate. It's the favorite fast food stop for famous bruthas such as Bill Cosby and Denzel Washington. In fact, one or both of them worked there! Being very near to everything in NW, including the Howard University campus, as you can guess the clientele is quite eclectic. :) It will be even MORE SO tonight when thelauralee goes in and cleans that joint OUT! Ya heard? ;)

Some of you (those closest to me...And some EVEN CLOSER) might recall the last time I had Ben's Chili Bowl...The next day was the 2005 WHFestival in Baltimore. I had to stop three times in random bathrooms on the way to the stadium just to RECTify the situation and sooth the havoc Ben's can wreak on the human digestive system. Yes bloggies, I'm actually talking about poop on my blog. Those of you who know me know how staunchly adverse I am to the mere mention of poops and farts, let alone JOKES about them...so this is no laughing matter. Ben's will graciously burn a hole right in your ass and leave you asking for more. Of course it's been over a year since I've been back, and there is probably some reason for that...oh right...the diet. Oh and my asshole asked me not to go back for 365 days. I obliged.

To be honest, I'm probably going to get something a little less fatal and go for either the turkey burger or the JUMBO turkey hotdog, which they affectionately refer to as 'The Big One!" at Ben's. Mmmm y'all know how badly I'm hurtin for The Big One, dontcha? ;) wink wink. Also, I would like to point out Ben's liberal use of the measurement referred to as a "load". According to Dave, this is an exact measurement (ie: covered with 'loads' of hot delicious chili). I also find it intriguing that Ben's will sell their 'chili' by the GALLON as well! I'm thinking of getting a gallon or so, seeing as how Drano has become so expensive, and my long ratty hair has a tendency to regularly clog drains. $10.00 in chili could save me a $250 security deposit somewhere! That's just smart math! (right Lindsay?)

So wish me luck at Ben's! Hey...aren't you going to ask why we're going to Ben's??? Ok I'll tell ya ;) We're going to a show at the 9:30 Club. The band is called The White Buffalo. You know, the name of this band reminds me of a really disgusting saying that I've heard a particularly perverted and VERBOSE young man say to me before and that is: "I'm so horny I could shampoo a buffalo." I wonder if he meant The White Buffalo? Eww God I hope not. I don't think this guy would like it: The White Buffalo I mean he looks like a scraggly hippy but I doubt he wants THAT. Only I like things like that, because I'm a dirty whore! haha ;) jk Anyway-- back on topic...they are supposedly a folky-funky jam band that I'm going to like (I am assured). I have never seen them, but I am looking forward to broadening my horizons and jammin out. I'm also looking forward to having my purse searched for drugs at the door to the 9:30 Club, and having them see how pathetic I am when all they discover are 5 rolls of unopened chewable Rolaids. Mmmmm I'm getting high on bismuth tonight baby! haha Top off a lil Ben's with a couple Bud drafts and I'll be spewing all over The White Buffalo man myself! Ewww....

Ok-- I'm going to save y'all from a RAGING case of motor-mouth and the inability to avoid a stream of consciousness here and sign off. BUTT, I wanted to give you a chance to wish me (and my hineyhole) a safe and happy trip to Ben's :) Mmmmm delicious!

Check it out! Ben's Chili Bowl

(cue fart noises....)

I knew it!

Dave once asked me which Disney character was my favorite (or who I most resembled). I thought about it for a few weeks actually (yes, I know, productive). I came out of it saying that I was like TWO characters. Donald and Goofy. Mostly Donald, with the temper and being misunderstood and being 'ever so put upon' when all I want to do is have a little fun. :) At the same time...I'm quite the Goofy. So, it has been officially documented and proven today folks...here it is:

Your alter ego is Donald Duck! Try as you might, you have a nasty temper that is hard to control. But you try hard to please, and you arn't one to go down without a fight. Donald Duck 88% Goofy 69% The Beast 56% Peter Pan 38% Snow White 31% Pinocchio 31% Ariel 31% Cinderella 25% Sleeping Beauty 25% Cruella De Ville 0% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

Now, you tell me what you are!

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Ok, first things first...is 10:47 too early for lunch? ;)

I'm bored out of my gourd. EVERYONE and I mean everyone I work with including the client is on vacation for 2 weeks. Of course I can't do anything, at least not anything important, so I'm just passing the time and suffering severe ennui (that's "boredom", just in case you're not Eric).

I am so ready to blow this popsicle stand for the day and it's before noon. I don't even have much to say to you except report in that yes, I am in fact still here and yes, I am very idle. Let's see, what's new with thelauralee?

My return flight from Des Moines was very Desmoinesy. First of all I was hungover as hell and the flight was at 6:55AM. The new airport restrictions required me to somehow rise from a drunken stupor, face down in my underwear, in order to catch my 5am cab that I called while trashed off my ass the night before. Apparently, that evening I'd also entered the family club suite where they serve "hot snacks" and drinks until 10pm, stumbled over to the food area and managed to score 4 meatballs with sauce in a bowl, and then escape WITH the bowl past the girl manning the desk (who was all of 18 years old) and to my room. The next morning, next to the bar area in my room was the same bowl of said meatballs, but there were now only 3 meatballs in the bowl. Oh and a lot of sauce slung all over the wall, the lamp shade, the ice bucket, and somehow...the shower curtain. All I can say is...I don't know. I found 1/4 of a meatball on the floor near the door. So I'm left to assume that I consumed 3/4 of a giant saucy meatball (apparently in every square inch of the suite I was staying in) before passing out. How disgusting. And this was a BUSINESS TRIP! Every trip to Des Moines I promise myself I am NOT flying back drunk. Yet I've yet to remember ANY business trip where I've flown back without a hangover. How nice that must be to have a comfortable flight. I wonder if I will be like that on the way back from MY vacation. Probably not. Not on my dollar. haha

I guess you wouldn't believe it but those corn-fed peeps out there in the great state of Iowa can drink your ass under the table. They certainly can drink me under the table. Literally. I'm feeling the fact that I'm nearly 30, more and more every day. To be more specific, every time I get hammered. And it was BUD LIGHT DRAFT too....eww. Anyway, so that's my return flight story. I don't remember much beside trying to keep down the big technicolor yawn and trying to sleep. No one sat next to me (or behind me) though so that was nice. Probably nice for the passengers as well.

So I got home from a very flat but enjoyable Iowa ("Go State!" as they say) on Thursday. Friday morning, David and I left for Ohio. See, I'm on a tour of all states where the night life is really kickin. ;) One of his best friends got married this past weekend and I was a guest. It was a beautiful wedding and very emotional (at least for me). I still find weddings take a lot out of me. I just hope that these people really think about what they are doing and I do wish them the very best in their lives. I don't mean 'these people' as in Dave's friends, I just mean these people who marry one another every day. They have these big beautiful weddings and stand up there and make their promises and then walk down that road, hopefully together. Of course these friends of his were about 30. That's probably the best time to get married...close to 30, since you have a better grasp on who you are by the time you're 30. So yeah, erm, that's my wedding advice for the day. haha You're gonna want to write that one down. ;) Anyway, it was beautiful and had an open bar. To me, that's perfection. Dave's friends are all a lot of fun and every time I see them, there are great laughs to be had. They are so tight knit, it feels like a cool clique I finally got picked to be in (auxiliary as my position my be). Anyway- I like them, they are funny. I hope they like me too. I like Dave the best though...just so you know. ;)

The drive to Ohio was 6.5 hours, and I'm proud to say I MADE IT! Anyone who has been in the car with me during an extended period knows how I get. I have my breaking point where I just revert to a childlike state and get very restless until there is eating. It kicked in on the way home around Frederick, MD, so that's pretty good huh? I did spazz out a little though, but it included a good double fist-pullin horn-honk request from a big rig next to us...but hey man, he honked. :)

I will have you all know that it is exactly 33 days until my trip to DISNEYWORLD! Woo-hoo. That's pretty much one month, jerks! Can you believe it? I haven't been in 20 years! I am so friggin excited. I can't wait to take off. I hope work leaves me alone that week. I can't WAIT! We've been planning this since June and it's going to be super rad. :) Also, I don't know if you are aware of this but it's just about FOOTBALL SEASON again! Whew...the off season wasn't so bad now was it? I can't wait! And we're going to be going to Disney right around the same time. AND, then it's CHRISTMAS! YEY! I guess life isn't so bad. At least I get to go on my vacation once everyone is back and mourning theirs. tee hee. I haven't been on vacation in over 5 years, so I'm about due wouldn't you say? I've never even taken a whole week off from work except once when I got my gall bladder removed and that wasn't the best vacation I've ever had. I'm just being honest.

Ok, this blog sucked. I'm sorry I don't have more to share with you. I'm not funny anymore (sniff). If something comes up though, you'll be first to know.

Miss you losers!

ps: someone needs to have a party. I'm feeling like I need a little get together to hold me over until vacation. So yeah, um, you should get started on that. :)

Why, I oughtta....!

Ok, so I've only blogged 18 times in 2006 (half of which were in January...guess I got a good start and crapped out). I'm sorry. I bet you guys don't even "read me" anymore. I am a washed up art-teest. Alas...and I'm only 29. Which brings me to another point. I'm getting old.

So, I'm in Des Moines, Iowa this week again. You guys may remember the last time I was here (Christmastime) and I kept a log of my boredom. It's not much more exciting this time either, however my job has become much more involved in between visits, leaving me little or no time to blog, except for when I visit the home office in IOWA! haha So that's what brings me to you today bloggies...

Oh yeah, so why I'm old. Well I just can't seem to fit everything in. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have kids. On the flight here, this little brat kicked my seat the WHOLE WAY TO DES MOINES, and I had to keep reminding myself to be patient...he was just a little boy. I try to do little exercises in patience so that by the time I actually do put my crusty old ovaries to work and possibly bring Damien II into this world, I will have the patience of a young mom. :( I worry about that...getting set in my ways and not being able to adapt to a child. I just automatically expect people NOT to kick my seat or yell and throw fits for 2.5 hours straight, no matter what size they are. But you just can't hold kids to the same standards. I tried to imagine my little 2 year old sisters on a 2 and a half hour flight and what they would be like. Then I quickly tried to think of something else because that was a horrifying thought--haha. Yikes.

Anyway, here I am trying to exercise the utmost patience with this rugrat who is traveling with his clueless dad. Dad is absolutely oblivious to the possibility that he might want to mind his child and try to keep him entertained so that he's at least somewhat stationary for the better portion of the flight. No, he was out of his seat and kicking and throwing things and hitting me in the head with one of those weird bat things that stadiums are giving away at baseball games now that you knock together. The dad is happy because one of his 2 kids he is traveling with is not screaming (they all have on the same shirt, by the way, with the family's last name on the back and a number like a team. Gay.) This father has bare minimum standards where traveling with youngins is concerned. I can appreciate that, but come-on man. By the end I would have liked to sit behind the dad for just 30 mins and kick and carry on the whole time and see if he noticed. Just because it was a five year old's foot doesn't mean it wasn't terrible and it also doesn't mean its not a hard enough kick to knock over a Budweiser. MINE. Yes....its true. It happened. So sad. Anyway, moving on.

So I was trying really hard not to do much but kind of wildly look behind me, in only the way a WOMAN who is trying to send a message without SAYING anything, would (ie: the turn around to indicate to the talker in the movie theater that he/she is annoying). It's barely perceptible, but angry indeed. I was trying so hard to exercise control though. My mantra: He's only a little boy. He's only a little boy... So by the end of this flight the woman next to me was FURIOUS. I don't know why, her seat wasn't kicked nearly as much as mine, but nonetheless she turns around and tells the man: "I realize he is only a little child, but I also have realized during this flight that he is not a child with manners. Good day to you." She didn't have an English accent, though that would have been fitting, no? Anyway, the guy is just standing there clueless with this look on his face like, 'Bitch what is your problem?'. He then says, "If something was bothering you mamn, you should have said something politely during the flight." She ignored him and walked on.

SO...the question here is: who is right? I can see both sides. On one hand, she handled it well and kept her cool and didn't yell or scream or try to parent his kids or curse or anything. She just stated her issue. POST HASTE though. That's the thing. Is he right? Should she have just said something to him earlier on and then it would have been taken care of? Later on at the baggage claim she stood next to me and said, "That gentleman shouldn't have to be told that his children are behaving badly. Not if he's a full-time dad." Ahhhhh...so there we have it. She's a scorned single mom. haha No, just kidding. She's probably right. They are both right. (Meanwhile his kids are running wilding around the baggage carousel like animals). But I, naturally, not having anyone in the world to worry over but myself (well, not REALLY), thought only of myself... Should I have said something? I figure I only have a right to say something if I've walked a mile in someone else shoes. Anyone's shoes should do ;) j/k I mean if I've been a parent. What, are they not supposed to travel? Maybe they needed to fly to get where they were going. Maybe the dad was doing all he could to keep the kid under control and that was the best he could do. MAYBE, that WAS 'good' for that child. Maybe he's a terror with a raging case of Turrett's Syndrome. You just never know. Maybe he was just 5 and tired of sitting. I read once that a child will say the words, "Mom, look at me." or "Look at me" an average of a thousand times a day or some crazy # like that. That's pretty needy and antsy combined. I myself was done with that flight about an hour in and wanted to get up and run around in a circle for no apparent reason. It had a little to do with having my chair kicked 8000 times, but in all actuality, I can't handle long drives either. Just too busy. :)

So maybe we have more in common with children than we think. I think I am too busy to get it all done...mind always running...'What do I have to do next? What did I forget?' I suppose I could try for five minutes to imagine what that would be like to feel that way, but without the guilt and pressure of being an adult. That kid had a lot to get done that day and this flight was just impeding his plans (which appeared to be squirming and running around and yelling and hitting things).

So, I held my tongue and didn't say anything. I thought that was the right thing to do. What do you think? Think I should have made a fuss? I don't think it was my place (unless I was hungover then, all bets are off). But apparently, Dad thinks someone should have let a guy know. Hey, I've been on a plane with a screaming baby. I've sat next to a kid with a runny nose and cough on the metro. I've even held a 2 year old while she proceeded to try and get out of my death grip for 30 minutes straight until she just fell asleep (waking up intermittently, only to try and get away before quickly dozing back off). But I've never been a parent on the other end of that. I've never had to endure the eye rolling of people seeing me coming with my kid to sit near them. I've never had to travel with a sick or exhausted or hungry baby. So maybe if I have patience now...God will reward me in parenthood and give me good children. Please oh please oh please.

I think there is VERY little chance of that though...wouldn't you agree? ;) Y'all know me. Hey, check out this lil article. I think I might put this one in the vault for future use. I imagine I'll have a lil "loose talker" when my time comes.

Ok...gotta go squirm ;) I'll update ya later blogsters! Love to you all.