...could easily replace me in all my endeavors, but you be the judge...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Will you stay and read my blog and continue to rock my world?
My long overdue and promised blog entry…

What a summer! I don’t think there was a weekend where I didn’t have some running around to do. Just a general update on me and then we will move right into the topic at hand (which is Rock of Love in case you didn’t pick that up from the title of today’s blog).

Dave and I went on a fun filled long weekend to Williamsburg, Virginia to visit good ol' Busch Gardens a couple of weeks ago. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s Anheuser-Busch’s (aka Budweiser) authentic theme park modeled after some of the countries of “Europe”. These quotes aren’t just my regular use of literary skepticism. If you happened to catch the update on Busch Gardens from me verbally, you no doubt witnesses my liberal use of “air quotes” when talking about yet another “Fake Europe”. Dave and I are now proud to announce that we believe we have frequented the maximum amount of Fake Europes that any “non-content to stay in Maryland all our lives and never visit anywhere further than 100 miles away” couple can actually visit. This is of course counting Epcot Center in Disneyworld last summer where we partook quite heavily in many of the amenities that a genuine Fake Europe can offer (and Asia, and Africa and Australia…and Mexico). For those of you who watch The Simpson’s you’ll know that Dave and I could not visit Busch Gardens without:

1) Getting loaded (it’s a beer theme park, come on.)
2) Singing the Duff-Gardens song:

“Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you! You’ll have a Duff, I’ll have one too!”

It was a fun trip really. Busch Gardens now offers a private beer tasting where you make a reservation and you walk into this nice bar setting with multiple stations with a presenter sitting in the middle of a semi-circle bar of tasters (that’s us). So they proceed to celebrate Anheuser-Busch’s entire catalog of brewskies and other selected beverages and you get to pick 4 of them to taste (along with cheese, crackers and chocolate – win, win, win). I will say, they have quite an array of beverages ranging from some neon green energy drink with 9% alcohol to a low-cal stout! A malt beverage I believe they called that green stuff. And here we are considering running our vehicles off of CORN?! Try some of that stuff in your engine I say. I steered away from the “colored beer” and stuck with some of the surprisingly good beers. I think I can safely sum up the samples by saying that they tasted like an exact combination of the description given by the presenter for each drink, and a Budweiser. You could always taste the Bud.

Ahh well, it is what it is. So kudos to Busch Gardens for adding a little class to its already snazzy Fake Europe! I felt especially classy when we went to the tasting for the SECOND time, completely soaked from the log flume with my hair in quite a state of frizz, already three-sheets to the wind from the enormous beers we bought in Fake Germany. That’s class. I will try and post some pictures on here in a bit if I can figure out how to.

Next…hmmm…oh! I got a new car. Long story that’s none of your business, but I got a new car and it’s perty. :) It’s a 4 door, 2008 Honda Civic, dark cherry red. Actually TANGO red is what they called it, so anyone who rides in my car has to tango with me first…sorry, Honda rules. Get this…it’s an automatic transmission! My first ever. Of course I did drive with both feet for the first day and a half, desperately searching for the clutch, but I got the hang of it in no time. I would equate it with riding in someone else’s car, but I’m steering. You don’t have to do anything but press on the gas (and break). Here all these years I’ve been missing the luxury of having THREE available limbs to do other things besides drive! Someone should have told me. Don’t worry – I’ve made up for lost time by listening to CDs, finding out what all the new buttons do, eating my breakfast, putting on makeup, talking on my cell phone…you know, the same stuff all the rest of the automatic drivers do on the road. I really fit in now. :)

Onto the very serious commentary regarding the main topic of this blog: Rock of Love. Now I know some of you watched it. I’ve found that I spent most of the season trying to HIDE the fact that I watch it (and force Dave to also), only to find that I’ve heard people talking about it everywhere – undercover. Just last week I was on a conference call with a coworker (around my age) in Des Moines, Iowa, working out some program details and low and behold, Bret Michaels comes up. Don’t ask. Anyway, off we go discussing who he should pick – because naturally, we know.

For those of you who are lost, Rock of Love is a “reality show”, if you want to call it that, on VH1 wherein the one-time-desired, now-not-so-sexy, pretty-sure-that-bandana-is-holding-a-wig-on-his-bald-44-year-old-head, fallen-rock-idol– is searching for his Rock of Love. And WOW what a cesspool he has to choose from. Kind of like the show Flavor of Love with rapper Flava Flav, but built for white trash skanks and a washed up hair-god rather than an insane rapper troll and a house full of black fighting tramps. Same concept really. Now I usually turn my nose up at reality TV but this caught my eye and right off the bat it was like a car crash – impossible not to look at. Like I said, a house full of skanks really makes Bret Michaels look like a winner. And his personality is very entertaining! Everything turns him on. No kidding – he says everything turns him on whether it be the fact that one of the girls in the house is an insane devil harpy from hell (which she was – Lacey) or whether they were not interested in him and were standoffish from day 1 (Jes – ironic huh?).

Anyway – I’m not here to tell you all about the show. As Bret says, “Yo! I need you to CHECK-ME-OUT on the VSPOT!”. That’s VH1’s Rock of Love website:

This blog is to comment on the outcome of the season just ended. FIRST of all, I bet Dave $20 that Heather the stripper would win – so thanks for losing me $20, Bret Micheals, you tw*t. I, like everyone else I’ve interviewed on this breaking story, wanted him to choose Jes, but alas I thought Bret seemed the type to pick the stripper…excuse me “exotic dancer”. Especially since it was such a turn on that she had his name tattooed on the back of her neck before they’d even gotten to the elimination round. Brains and beauty! Why wouldn’t he choose Heather? Well the sensibility of choosing Jes finally hit home for Bret – not after she was the only one who didn’t act like a crazed drunken skuzz bag, barfing at the table, fighting in the house, cussing Lacey and her parents out – No. It was when they were in Cabo San Lucas and he almost went into diabetic shock and he asked Jes to shove a big insulin needle in his ass if he slips into a diabetic coma, and…she cried. Wow – what a turn on! Who wouldn’t cry when confronted with stabbing Bret Michaels in the ass with a needle? With anything really! But that meant the world to him and after one final skank-o-meter test where he asked them BOTH to be his girlfriend and Heather the closet lesbian stripper said, “I’d love to” (by the way – she looked drunk the entire show) and Jes said, “I couldn’t share someone I really cared for.” He made the always wise decision of choosing a girl who would remain dedicated to him while he was off humping other sluts on tour, rather than a woman who would come on tour and hump sluts WITH him.

What’s interesting, besides the fact that Heather predictably WIGGED out in the limo leaving the mansion and cursed Bret three ways to Sunday (and made the realization that she’d had his name tattooed on her neck) was that at the reunion show, Jes didn’t give a Damn Yankee about Bret anymore! Six months of waiting to be together so they wouldn’t ruin the show ending and she gets on stage, says he made the wrong decision and should have chosen Heather and then – the show ended!!!!! WTF?! What the hell is that I ask you? I ask you VH1, on behalf of all of us who invested our time in your series only to have this cheap, worthless ending – cheated! Cheated I tell you! And I have a right mind to write them and ask them what kind of climax is THAT in repayment for all of the time spent agonizing over who Bret should pick? Jerks. Well the answer came to me while perusing the “deleted scenes” on VH1 (yeah so what? I did it – I’ve been sick for 10 days, what do you want from me?). Season 2! Here is their chance to make it up to all of us. I’M SURE this time it will be much better. I’M SURE that this time it will really pay off and the ex-rocker of their choosing will really fall for his rock of love!!! My heart swells just thinking about it. But which fallen hair band icon will be the lucky buckaroo to be consistently turned on by major ho-bags??? I present to you…the article that cleared it all up for me (compliments of VH1):

Last month’s announcement of open calls for Rock of Love 2 kicked off widespread speculation on which rocker would rule the house — names like Tommy Lee, Mark McGrath and Dave Navarro batted around the Internet buzz. Now, the VH1 Blog exclusively can reveal that Rock of Love 2 will star none other than Bret Michaels, who’s ready to give reality TV dating another shot after things fizzled with Rock of Love winner Jes. Expect more girls (20, to be exact), more challenges, more turn-ons and more diabeetus in the second season of Rock of Love, which is coming…well, sooner than you might think!

WOW! Thank you VH1! And here I though that my intelligence level and taste may falter without supplement. I get to be judgmental and sanctimonious about 20 MORE girls and experience the emotional roller coaster that is finding our rock of love.

If you care to join me – we can form a Rock of Love discussion club. Monday nights, the day after the show, preferably during Monday Night Football. That stuff’s rubbish anyway. ;)

Later haters!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That cracked me up. If you keep blogging, I might just start up the ol' Well in Dowd site again.

Funny enough, when we were in NYC this summer, a buddy of mine told me about a friend of his who was crushed when his girlfriend broke up with him to go on a reality show with a chance to date a balding, used to be famous for wearing pink, looking like a girl and talking dirty to millions...Bret Michaels.



P.S. We miss you guys. Please come south soon.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg, i have MISSED YOU!! your funny banter, witty and eloquent reparte. or is it repartee? i should know that. damn francais.

dont have vh1. or any cable for that matter. loser i know. we're not in touch with the greater tv world down here in the sticks of raleigh ;)

sorry to hear you're sick! that's a big fat bummer. are you better now?

well, like i said, i've been missing me some laura. this realization of course did not hit me just now after reading, but rather, after our brief yet legnthy email session that i desperately needed :)


xoxo (i'm not sure how i feel about this sort of 'i love you'-ism but whatevs, i'm using it)

Heather :)

Blogger JohnH985 said...

You've blogged again! I haven't been making many rounds to the blogging world lately so I just found out you've actually blogged again. Don't take three months between posts this time! Glad to see you're back.

Blogger TD said...

So, I decided to just comment again and tell you that Heather and I have been furious that we have been made to wait one more week to see which of the remaining trashy bitches Bret was going to choose to allow to continue to try and rock his world.

The show is awesome. It is a fucking train wreck on steroids pumped with Gamma radiation (google:incredible hulk and while you are at it...David Banner...find out why NBC would not allow him to be called "Bruce") and rolled in chocolate.

I LOVE IT and cannot stop watching. My money is on Ambre, who he will choose and then go on to make Rock of Love 3 (Oh, please dear god, let there be a Rock of Love 3).

We miss you.

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