STATE OF MARYLAND VS. LEE, LAURA M.

I was "hereby summoned" to Rockville this AM for a speeding ticket I got ages ago coming home from Nikki and Simone's after a long Sunday night of eating crappy food and drinking apple martinis and watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition (and I would usually say crying, but I think it may have been the episode about the kid whose bones were like glass and broke a lot and he walked everywhere on his knees??? I hated that one. That kid was a little shithead and I didnt cry--no tears for you glassboy!) I remember when I got pulled over I was a little afraid that he would smell alcohol on my breath (although I was soberish) and also that I would get a ticket and likely receive all the points since I was on probation for speeding anyway. And you know what? Was it for going 20 or 30 miles over the limit? NO! At least that would have been worth it. Both times it was 9 miles over. NINE MILES PEOPLE!!!! And in Montgomery County too, those greedy bastards. So I had to go all the way to flippin Rockville from Annapolis (by the way I still hate Capo, she is Beelzebub).

Long story short--I lost my case so to speak. GUILTY. I got points and fees galore. The only thing he dropped was 1 point and $5. Frankly, after getting gas in Silver Spring for $2.23 a gallon, I didn't even save myself the $5 he dropped. I should have paid the damn ticket and not gone to court. Shucks y'all! My insurance is gonna go whooooooooooooop! (that's up)

The cop who gave me the ticket WAS there, that red headed punk. I think that the judge was biased against me. I think he was for two reasons. One, he didn't like my shirt and SAID SO in front of the whole court. Said it was "loud". It's Pepto Bismal Pink. Lindsay...you'd love it. Nikki saw it. I think it's cute. Secondly, this "Spanish American" in handcuffs was talking to me from the DETENTION BENCH before court went into session. Asking me how I was and flirting and said I was cute. Do I have a 'if you are foreign and a criminal I will go out with you' sign on me? I literally ignored him, but eventually I just turned to him and went, "SHH!!!" with a bitchy face. I didn't want to be associated with him! He was wearing a teal jumpsuit and was in handcuffs and shackles!!! He's currently in jail for distribution and gun posession and on top of it he has to appear in traffic court like that because he can't fail to appear being that he's already into the system. I think the judge saw us having spinteraction (spic interaction) and labeled me. :(

After I leave the court room 800 years later (I was LAST to go), I am at the ATM on Jefferson Street and the cop who gave me the ticket pulls up at that light...sees me and flips the siren on twice (weooop! weooop!) real quick. And waived. Flippin idiot...GOSH!!!

I'm really not as unhappy as I seem today though. :) At least its over. Now I can work on getting tickets in O-ding-ton hon! :)

Check out Nikki's blog about the b-day party! :) It's sweet and there are some pictures. Those of you who saw it between the hours of 12:33pm and 4:02 pm, please erase that image of me from your memory forever. OMG. Back to Curves. Twice a day. Oh well...at least I was in good company! ;)

I leave you with the songs...and "something to think about".

Songs of the Day:
Fallin - Alicia Keys
Breathe (2am) - Anna Nlick
Hard To Say - Dan Fogelberg (so sing-songy) :)

Who let the dogs out? Who?! Who-who?!

I'm too nice. Is that possible? ;) Why can't I learn to just say NO to people when I don't feel up for something. I could take a few classes from Nancy Regan on the art of Just Saying NO. HH and I have been discussing our favorite topic a lot lately and that is "your gut". I don't mean that fat that hangs over your pants...I mean that instictive intuition you have in the core of your being that says: yes, no or in most cases...maybe so. We ignore this a lot. Often we ignore this becuase we don't like what it has to say. Denial. So I'll cut to the chase and that is that your gut is telling you lots of things on both simple and complex issues, and it's up to you to decide on whether or not you're going ot act on it (or in many cases, NOT act on it). What'll I do???

So many times, people will ask me to do something for them or they will present me with an issue (none of YOU of course ;) and almost always I will do it. I mean it's not going to kill me to do something nice for someone that won't take much time and they will really appreciate it and then later when and if I need something, it'll just be a big circle of reciproaction and love right? Well ya know what? NO! It's disenchanting, but a lot of times it ends up being like Crazy (but hot) Billy Joe says, "I walk a lonley road...I walk this empty street, along the boulevard of broken dreams"?

My gut says, "ehhhhhhh...I dunno Big L...may want to take this one through the high counsel." That's you girls. Most of the time I basically just look for consensus and do whatever majority rules. haha-- you rule me!

I'm not really getting deep here, because you know I don't do that, but last night I slept over my dad's. I will be doing this until flippin MONDAY MORNING because he has two flippin big dogs that are flippin bad and chew things and are really needy (for like food and water and walks and craps, apparently). His wife's father passed away sadly on Easter and she wanted the whole fam damily to go to Oklahoma with her. So I get the call for backup. "Oh God we're desperate, you HAVE to help us and come watch the dogs! Please! There's NO ONE ELSE! Plus no one will do such a great job like you!" First of all...I know that trick. He's been using it on me since I was little. I think the Catholic Church invented it. It's guilt by positive reinforcement. It's a ruse I tell you. It sends the message that only YOU could do this thing, making you a great superhero who's skills are unparalleled and no one could do a better job. However...chances are he didnt even ASK anyone else. And there's like no way he's asked his other two grown children that might actually enjoy being in a nice home all week, not having to commute to Baltimore everyday for work. Oh and who actually like dogs. Yes...look I can finally admit it. They are funny and cute and in some instances smart and/or good company but overall wtf is the appeal with having a big dog, let alone TWO?! They are a friggin pain in the ass--you are a slave to your pet!

He has two English labs and the one dog is SO annoying. It's name is Capo. My dad says she is still a puppy but thats BS! She's fully grown and over a year old and she's just an annoying little bitch (which is appropriate here). Plus, she makes licking noise ALL night really loud. He wanted me to come over, feed them and then sleep there and don't shut the dogs out of the bedroom with me. In return I get to sleep on a big king size bed with a $1000 pillow top down comforter. WHOOP-FREAKING-IE!

Bogey is the other dog. She is older (like 10 years I think). She is a good dog. Sweet, old, quiet, lazy. Thats how I like em. Poor thing is on a dog diet too, so its cool because I can feed her treats shes not supposed to have and shes SO sweet after that. Thats when shes not trying to avoid hellhound Capo stealing her toys, barging in on being patted...urgh! Erin will tell you...that dog is SATAN. She doesnt behave and she's a pest!

Ok now that I've said this, can somebody please come over there this week and hang out with me?! haha It's boring and quiet. BUT...with company it turns into a nice party house with all kinds of tv channels, Netflix, highspeed, water sports and luxury and ME! :) We can cuddle! Or if you're not into that-- we can not. ;) PULEEEZE! It sucks being alone down t here! I'm working on Erin...but it's just boring there all alone. I stop by my place first and eat and pick up clothes and visit a bit with Nikki and then...the abyss.

So I need someone to teach me how to say NO to this shit (and other shit too)! They aren't coming back until Monday! This sucks. I just generally need to learn what my own limitations and boundaries are and learn to enforce them. If I dont feel right about something...if my gut is saying that it's a bad idea for me to go there....why don't I LISTEN?!

Capo f*cking snores too. I'm locking those shitheads out tonight. Don't tell my dad.

Here's a cute cartoon..hehe (I've been putting a lot of those up lately!) I'll blog later prolly. Check out THE ONION today-- hilarious as usual.



Adios!

Songs of the Day:
Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
Look What You've Done - Jet (love this new tune!)
Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Greenday
The Tide Is High - Blondie

Nobody luvs meeeee! Everybody hates meeee! I guess I'll go eat woooooorms!

No one is commenting on my blog. :( Don't you love me anymore? Where are you bloggies? I just turned my back for a sec and....you were gone!



No...I didn't get nailed...but I am practicing wishful thinking!!! ;)

Only the dog knows for sure...

Dedicated to Lindsay, Heather, Darb and Erin...SCINTILLATING conversation at the party on Saturday you guys...I think we ALL learned a little something from that chat. What a SHOCKER! ;)

Songs of the Day:
Ordinary People - John Legend
Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette

Sex Toy Amnesty Day

So...you're all expecting to pop on and read about Nikki's 30th Surprise Birthday Bash and all the little stories of all the little (and big) bizarre things that went on. All your little stomach muscles are aching from all the laughing you did at that party and now you've got to see what I HAVE to say about it all. Well a sigh of relief, for one! Holy mackerel! (Nikki loves it when I exclaim this) I wanted to go upstairs and take a nap as soon as she finally got through the door! haha

BUT...before I blog about partymania 2005, I've had a number of requests to BACKBLOG. I find it truly bizarre (yet flattering) that many of you even had time to check my blog Friday, Saturday and Sunday to see if the "sex toy" story was on there or "the manicure story" or if the "Easter Sloth Story" was up. Sheesh peeps! thelauralee has had a hard week and needs a few days off too, ya know! I am gonna try and make these little tidbits as short as I can because most of you heard them in person (I thought), especially the story you are about to read below, but those of you who didn't...be sure that the ones who did FULLY enjoyed this one.

So let's catch up, and then we'll go over the party blog, though really...Nikki should be the one to cover the party...if you want it from my point of view it's going to involve a baby pool full of beer (see blog below), 400 bottles of liquor, a $15 berry tart on the ground in the parking lot of Costco, homemade long island ice teas, a torn ACL muscle, a better look at the stairwell of my new house (face first), a bottle of Ibuprophen and some severe rug burn. Nikkis version? Fabrage eggs, pirates of penzance shirt, 7 appletinis, 3 packs of smokes, one chocolate cake, a Napoleon Dynamite poster, one diet pepsi all over her new PJs and my rocking chair and our carpet and Kari...all caused by some cake dust in her throat.

Soooooooo...I have this BOX of "stuff". It's naughty stuff. Some is actually fairly NORMAL, but I keep it in the box, merely because it's in the same "genre". Upon my untimely demise, I have 2 primaries and 2 backup seek and destroyers...all of whom I call "secret keepers" (a la Harry Potter), who are to swoop in like Navy Seals and dispose of this "naughty box" before my mommy comes in to clean my bedroom and honor my lifetime of achievement at St. John the Evangelist Catholic Church. Surely she would bury me at the local dump, rolled in patio astroturf she didnt want anymore, if she found this box first. So needless to repeat...it's naughty. So as I am packing up the old place to move a couple weeks ago, I decide to transfer these items from the breaking Italian leather shoe box belongings to my ex, to the snap handle plastic bag they gave me at Howard County General Hospital when I got my gall bladder taken out in June. It's the bag they give you to put your clothes and jewelry and personal affects in before you go under the knife. I saved this bag. I don't know why...maybe I looked into the future and thought it would be a good hiding place for Little Lyndon Johnson...who knows. So my aunt helped me pack my bedroom and as she got within 3 feet of that "hiding place" (no I am not telling YOU where that is...only the secret keepers and past lovers and everyone at Nikkis birthday party know THAT!) and the "naughty box alarm goes off: neeeee naaaaaw! and I say to her (she's cool by the way-- my mom's sister) , "Ughhhh Jeannie? don't pack that area over there....I got it." She gives me a knowing look and says, "gotcha!" so I pack this area up and I lay the bag in a drawer and she says, "You know Laura...I think you should take that bag out to your car NOW so you don't forget. You don't want anyone messing with it." I say, "ugh yeah...I prolly will, though I don't think anyone will fool with it here" as I covered it with a sheet and went on my merry way.

WELL...on Friday morning, I was laying in bed...THINKING. I was thinking, "this room is so great...I love my new room...I wonder if I will ever "do it" in this room..." I DONT KNOW what made me think of the bag other than sex. I simply don't know. But I rolled over in bed and went to the place where this bag was last seen and OH. MY. HOLY. GOD. It's gone! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF (freak out commences). I tear that joint up. I am looking in the closet, the basement, all the drawers, under the bed, in the bathrooms (I dunno?) and finally I am in a full force freak out so bad that I involve Nikki. She thinks this is hilarious (bitch) and that it will turn up sooner rather than later. Yeahhhh....and in the meantime...how about the fact that it could have been moved in someone else's car who was moving small things...and LEFT THERE??!!! The candidates: my aunt Jeannie (who SURELY would have called me by now), Lindsay (yes, a total horny perv, but still...she would have called me too!) This leaves three final candidates:
1) my old coworker Rob, who helped me move and who I am still friends with (or WAS)
2) Old Lady River (as she was called by my movers), who is the friggin ACCOUNTING MANAGER at my place of business!!!
3) my father

I want to die.

I am getting pretty upset at this point, so I call my aunt. She packed up the room...maybe she moved it (fingers crossed...lip bite). I call her. She thinks this is funny, but also she is seriously trying to help me figure out where it could be. I check everywhere again. Nowhere. Finally she says, "Look, I think someone else got it, and it's obviously someone who would be too embarrassed to come to you with the bag, and probably ditched it. Also it could be that it's in someone's car and they haven't found it yet." Yeahhhhhh....and that'll be a heart stopping surprise! Good lord...



So she suggests that I send out an email telling everyone it was:
SEX TOY AMNESTY DAY
Turn the tables and let THEM know that it's Ok that they stole my sex toys and pornography (hey people, it's not all mine, I inherited a bit of it in the separation too...gimme a break...I'm a good girl) and that I forgive them...this is their opportunity to RETURN the bag...no questions asked...no penalties. AMNESTY! I laugh, but not whole heartedly as I imagine my father opening that bag. :( She then suggests that I call everyone and tell them that Kevin called asking for his "bag of stuff" back. When I told her that wouldn't work by describing to her what SPECIFICALLY was in the bag...she said to tell everyone he left me because he was gay and liked those things better than me. OMG!!!! Not a better explanation! So I was so upset...not knowing who got the bag and which person was worse! Jeannie even at one point suggested that maybe they would find it and think one of their OWN kids left it in their car. YEAH! whatever! All their kids are either grown with their own kids (old lady river) or under the age of 11!!!! it's obviously Perverted Laura! How nice would it be to go into my office one day and see that bag sitting on my chair with a lil note "found this in my car. dont ever speak to me again. signed old lady river"

I get off the phone with Jean and resign myself to laying on the floor of my walk-in-closet and pouting. One...the humiliation. Two...that was a lot of my favorite things, dammit! Gone! haha So as I lay there in a little nightie (yeah, it's 2 pm so what?) Nikki comes into my bedroom (or stumbles rather). She puts her hands on her waist and surveys the room tapping one foot.

"You know...I have NEVER seen anyone tear apart a room like this looking for porn! You are going to put it all back right?"

NO! I'm going to live with a mountain of clothes, socks, books, bags, shoes and cosmetics in the middle of my floor and on my bed for eternity! waaaaaaaaa! She creeps over to the closet floor to comfort me.

"Awwww...it's not that bad. So what? Think of it this way...whoever it is has known for two weeks anyway, so no point in getting all upset today! Come on. Get up. I want to get manicures and pedicures today. It's my birthday eve. Why don't you check those clear bags over there..."

So I actually lean over to start opening the clear bags full of shoes as she leaves the room and HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!!!! There is it! OMG...relief flows over my body as I shoot up, and run to Nikki's room. "NIKKI! NIKKI! I FOUND IT!!" She opens the door (naked holding a robe in front of her- thanks Nik) and says: "Well I'm happy for you. ALTHOUGH, I dont know if you could have claimed it WASNT yours given the fact that your fullname, birthdate and social security number are on the bag. Good choice Laura!"

I look at the bag. Hmmmm...yeah, there it is! They had marked the bag with a sticker with all my info at the hospital. Yeah I would of had a hard time denying that.

Whew-weee! So I told this story to Darb and Nikki all sitting around on my bed that night (and showed them the contents of the bag-- like the sexual arc of the covenant) then again at the party and it seemed to get a hootin-hollarin laugh and I got many a request to blog about it.

So there is is. I swear...I am gonna have to go to the mental institution one of these days when I go over the edge (cuckoos nest! cuckoos nest!) ;)

"The Cooler"

¿Quién quiere una cerveza?



"The Cooler" at Nikki's 30th B-day bash. More to come on the fiesta...

Wassa matta you? Why you looka so sad? Issa not so bad. Issa nicea place. Ah, shuddapa ya face!

Hola everyone! I hope you all still love me even though I left you high and dry…fingers crossed (lip bite). It’s true…I dropped the blog, and it opened up my eyes, I dropped the blog (life is demaaaanDING, without understaaaanDING)!

But I realized …no ones gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong people! ;) Did you guess the song? I know you did because you’re all losers and used to listen to it and you know it. Ace of Base lovers.

Ok, so Licky dropped the flippin blog (booooooooooo!!!) I tossed and turned all night thinking about all the people who waited with baited breath to see what thelauralee would have to say yesterday and they waited and waited and then prolly cried when it never came. Oh no wait…I have insomnia, that’s why I’m not sleeping. I forgot. I considered popping on at quarter of twelve last night just to write the word, “blogged” on yesterday’s entry to be a smart ass and so I didn’t actually break the blogathon streak. But alas…I decided to unpack all 400 of my bathroom boxes and listen to Tenacious D (at a unusually high volume for 11 o’clock at night) instead. That CD makes me laugh so flippin hard every time I hear it. I’m burning copies of it off today to give away to random strangers on the street. Its so freaking offensive, I love it! I want to send my mom a copy and see what she does when she hears it. She’s the kind of person though who would listen to it “because is has a jazzy beat” and never listen to the words (much like Tom’s “p*ssy p*ssy p*ssy, marijuana” lyrics incident in the store that one day). She’s clueless. You can’t miss it with these dudes though. Anyway, I’m sooooooooooo sorry bloggies. I didn’t realize I had so many loyal fans! I thought I’d lost you all when I went DARK and not funny two weeks ago and got all ‘Gollum’ on you. “Yesssss…my precious….” But see? I’m back to blogging about nothing ;)

So you’ll be happy to know I broke my flippin finger last night and it flippin hurts! GOSH!!! I’m a hunt n’ pecker as it is ;) but I can only hunt and peck with a limited amount of digits today so this is going to take a while. I’m not positive that it’s broken, but I’m fairly sure. It looks like a hotdog and it has a heartbeat. It hurts all the way up my arm. I did it at Curves last night. Working out on the equipment hard? NO. Running indoors. See kiddies, when your parents said: don’t run inside the house, it WAS for your own good. Especially those of us with no depth perception. Anyway, the phone was ringing off the hook and the other woman I was working with thought for sure it was the owner (there was a bunch of BS drama yesterday b/c the general manager quit without notice so everyone is going apeshit) and she says, “RUN! Get it!” Well I was working out with someone at the time (doing their first work out) and I took off running off the recovery pad (apparently dizzy) to go grab the phone off the front desk and BAM! My FLAILING arm had a head on collision with the handle bar of the butt machine (you know the one where you put your foot on it and push back? Officer People Hater…what’s that machine called?) Anyway, death trap. I had to pretend I was ok and laugh it off for the members because it was the crack heard round the world (or around Burwood Plaza at least) You should have seen the woman’s face who was ON that machine. She looked offended. haha GD!! owwwwweeeeee :( I had to try and do a lot last night with just my right hand. hahaha ;) I mean unpacking my bathroom you perverts.

This morning it was stiff swollen and, waaaa! I need this hand. I have a lot to do! We were gonna hang my curtains tonight! Nikki, you now have a gimp assistant (not that I’m not anyway). I think I’m out on the wine n’ martinis though, because I already have a handicap. Sorry honey.

Last night I laughed so hard with potato in my mouth and it did not go flying everywhere. Nik and I were talking about who our favorite actors were over a big fat Kielbasa (thank baby—very yummy) and we decide to go into the “weird but hot” category briefly and she says, “do you know who I think is hot but no one else does prolly?” and I said, “JEFF GOLDBLUM!” Laugh #1 ensued, as we then quoted lines from Earth Girls Are Easy and Vibes! “Why dance with a hero baby, when you can dance with a ZERO!” haha Then she tells me the following (and maybe you had to be there, but even as I write this I am cracking up…it was hilarious). She says very seriously:

“Ok I think this guy is so hot and it’s how I realized I had a thing for HAIRLIPS, and that’s Joaquin Phoenix.”

Potato almost shot all over. I needed the hiennylick maneuver. I was breathless. YOU HAVE A THING FOR HAIRLIPS???? That was the part that was funny. So her face is blood red and she’s fighting back potato spraying as well. Funn-eeee! Good times at our house. Good dinners too! So far we’ve had beef stir-fry (I made that-yey) and rice, crab florentine stuffed salmon and olive oil and garlic couscous (I bought the salmon already stuffed and on sale, so don’t get too excited) and then the piece de resistance…Nikki made turkey kielbasa with green peppers and onions, lima beans, and a whacky potato combination that was awesome (balsamic vinegar, old bay, hairlip) hehe…

So I am all over the place with this blog today, so why not skip topics? The Love Actually soundtrack is awesome. If you don’t have this and you have boobs, you have to get it. It’s a chick flick CD but it really is very good. I am going to pay tribute to it in my “songs of the day” category, but first I’d like to highlight Eva Cassidy. She was actually from Bowie, Maryland, I believe, and she did a lot of cover songs and wrote some of her own with her “life partner”. It was a guy, but they never got married, because they never felt the need to take it there, their relationship was great the way it was. They wrote songs together…she wrote the music, sang and played guitar, he wrote the lyrics, recorded and managed her. Her music is beautiful. She has a beautiful voice, she was a very lovely woman. She very suddenly developed melanoma that killed her in a very short period of time at a very young age. That’s so sad. I think it’s so romantic that they wrote together. He still does tributes to her and what not. See I need that…I am Bernie Taupin looking for my Elton John. Let’s make beautiful music together whoever you are! ;) Come to mama! Anyway, like the great Karen Carpenter, Eva Cassidy’s music lives on. Track #6 on the Love Actually Soundtrack is hers…it’s called Songbird. It’s a sweet song. My favorite song of hers is Say Goodbye though. It’s so human. Check it out!

Anyway…that’s enough commentary out of me for right now. Two things though that make me SO happy! The girls started crawling last night! Really crawling. Not scooting, army crawling or rolling from one location to another. My dad said he took down Julie’s old Raggedy Anne doll and McKenna saw it and took off to beat Cameron to it. That’s ma gurl! Then Cameron started crawling. It’s amazing how it just happens that fast. Just like that. My dad said Julie cried…two of them just crawling all over the place. What a blessing they are. There are some new pictures up on the website for those of you who have the address. I’m not giving it out on here though (sorry!) One, it’s not mine, it’s theirs and they are babies and I don’t want anyone to kidnap them because I put the link on my blog and two, there are some ugly picture of me on there! haha I am so vain. Vain Vulture (member Sweet Pickles?)

The other thing is…I never told you the name that Heather and Craig picked! It’s Lindsay Kate Charpiat. That’s Lindsay with an “A”, just like you Linz. :) She showed me a picture and Lindsay looks like Heather. Sweet. She’s so happy.

Ok…that’s enough of me sweatin babies so hard…next thing you know I’ll be sayin how much I like dogs and other small animals too and we all know that’s not true. ;)

Later peeps! This might be the last blog until after the holiday because I have off tomorrow WOOPIE!!! Have a VERY Happy Easter everyone and don’t forget that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior….not the Easter Bunny. k?

Love!

Songs of the Day: (bear with me, we have lots of them today!)
White Flag - Dido
Say Goodbye – Eva Cassidy
This Love – Maroon 5
Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell
The Trouble With Love – Kelly Clarkson
Jump (for my love) – The Pointer Sisters (Jump in!)
High n’ Dry - Radiohead
God Only Knows – The Beach Boys (I once heard this was the greatest love song ever written…Brian Wilson’s masterpiece. If you really listen though, I think he’s threatening to kill himself if the chick ever leaves him. That’s romantic.)
Annnnnnnnnd…(last but not least)
Shuddapa Ya Face! – Joe Dolce
The Sign – Ace of Base

ps: oh yeah and...HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY NIKKI!!!! (this Saturday)...more to come...

Your Mom Goes to College!

As the days go on...I'm sorry, but Napoleon Dynamite just gets funnier and funnier. Upon first viewing it, we all prolly thought it was maybe the dumbest movie in the whole world with zero plot, but watch it again! Give it a chance! Soon you will pick up little jokes in the movie that are flippin hilarious! GOSH!!!

For instance...Deb shows up at the Dynamite's door to sell her key chains and glamour shots to earn "money for college". Kip, listening from the living room, overhears this solicitation and shouts through the livingroom towards the front door , "You're mom goes to college!", making a smug look like he'd jut been really offensive or something. I love this! Spoken like a true loser...

Check it out: your mom goes to college

One other thing to share that made me laugh preeeeeeetty hard and that's the Rocky Spoof clip below. This guy has a LOT of time on his hands. I especially like when he gets on the scale.

Unfortunately when I was watching this, my computer in my office crashed and now its making a really loud buzzing noise and I think it's dead. SO...I'm sitting over in our "graphic arts department" which is just a sad extensioin of my office anyhow, and watching clips on big-boys.com and goofing off. Same thing I do in MY office, but without company email, Instant messenger, voice mail or paperwork. So you won't be seein Phreakylee on the horn anytime soon because it will prolly take until next week to fix it. It's ridiculous. Anyhoo...enjoy! I will blog a little later about a "Miami Sound Machine Epiphany" I had this morning! It reminded me of a funny story...the first time I met Simone. ;)

Rocky Spoof

(also check out the rest of that site...good videos!)

LL :P

Simma Down Nah! (oh and Happy 1st Day of Spring!)

This blog is dedicated to Heather and Erin...

"Wheezylee Does The Big Apple" by Laura Lee

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



arrived in my phreakylee yahoo email this weekend via Sprint PCS, with two voice memos attached. Here is a transcript of Exhibit A's voice tag:

High-ther: (apparently calling me and recording herself at the same time) you're not f*cking picking up!!! (inaudible slur)
Wheezylee: do you really even understand what the meaning of the F word IS?
High-ther: HAA YA HAAAhaaa [deep inhale]
Wheezylee: (inaudible grunt) not literally but like meaningful... huh huh -->deep dorky traditional Lee laugh

Transcript of photo B's voice tag:

High-ther: hello babeeee ...I luuv yoooooou!!!
Wheezylee: (in high pitched voice making fun of HH)But I thought you werent coming!
High-ther: AhhhhAHAHA yuk yuk yuk! (hi pitched inhale)

Ok...am I supposed to know what all that means? I'll tell you this...I can see the wheezy- one was making fun of you a lot in those messages HH. Don't put up with that! She can be a mean little shit when she's drunk! ;) haha It's scary...drunk as hell and still sharp as a tack. We're different...I'm the goofy touchy drunk...but we have this in common: We'll always fall at LEAST once when we're drunk. But alas...you still can never replace thelauralee with thewheezylee. Nice try though ;)

I dont have a memory transcript of our 1am phone call Friday night, but I do recall LOTS of cussing, lots of laughing, lots of slurring and a 20 minute tutorial on baby sign language from Erin telling me how shes going to teach her kids to say "more" "poop" and "I love you". I cant wait to meet those kids and do baby sign language with them. haha Drunk ass. Babies just wanna eat, sleep, poop, play and be loved. Just like the rest of us. No sign language needed there.

So thanks girls for the continual contact throughout the festivities. You both look really pretty. :) I bet you got a lot more male action with Erin than you did when you go out with me Heather...though Erin prolly wasnt kissing bouncers outside of Tribe. (I am assuming thats where Exhibit B was taken...looks like it).

This might be the only blog today, given I dont have anything to say that anyone else on this planet would be interested in. Read Nikki's blog...she will fill ya in. We did go to Ikea and we spent, spent spent. Got some nice stuff. House coming together nicely...yada yada blah blah blah...I'm just going through the motions. She'll prolly also tell you about how we super-sleuthed around to every dumpster in "O-ding-ton" to share the wealth of 4000 empty boxes, how I slipped in cat poo outside one of them, gagged profusely and then splashed cat poo water on my pants and then fell against the dumpster and injured myself. hmmmm then maybe she'll regale you with a tale of thelauralee putting together the entire upstairs entertainment center on Sunday and crying while doing it pretty much all day long (haha) sad clown. Though, we are now "hard wired for massive entertainment". Thank you York College for awarding this crybaby a Mass Comm degree...I knew it would come in handy ONE day.

ok...I'm off to stare at the wall for 5 hours and then build next years advertising plan in the last 15 mins of the day ;) Just a few items of food for thought...

ac·cep·tance [ ak sépt tanss ]noun
1. saying yes: a written or verbal indication that somebody agrees to an invitation
2. taking of a gift: the willing receipt of a gift or payment
3. willingness to believe: willingness to believe that something is true
4. coming to terms with something: the realization of a fact or truth resulting in somebody’s coming to terms with it
5. toleration: the tolerating of something without protesting
6. social tolerance: willingness to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle
7. positive response to application: an offer to allow somebody to join an organization or attend an institution
8. law commerce agreement to terms: formal agreement, in writing or verbally, showing that somebody assents to the terms and conditions in a contract
9. commerce agreement to pay: a formal agreement by a debtor to pay a draft or bill of exchange when it becomes payable

damn did you know there were 9 definitions of that word? Hmmmm....yeah...I'm not there yet ;)

Song of the Day:
True - Ryan Cabrera (who else loves this song? was it written just for me?) ;)

Epilogue (a tasty IM treat from 2 sisters!):
MagicLeeDlishous: youre not talking to me enuff on here
MagicLeeDlishous: ugh... im BORED!
MagicLeeDlishous: i need a friend
MagicLeeDlishous: and something to do... cant go out in CP b/c im the only loser here
phreakylee: oh hang out with me!
phreakylee: i wish i could leave work...
MagicLeeDlishous: i could show u the cool shit i bought in NY
MagicLeeDlishous: DO IT!
MagicLeeDlishous: get diarrhea and leave
MagicLeeDlishous: i want to tell you about my trip
MagicLeeDlishous: we met up with kevins friend jessie and her BF yesterday and we went to soho and then to barneys
MagicLeeDlishous: we get there her friend works the FRESH counter for sephora and we got all these free samples in a barneys bag. He was like...."ohhhhh i want to go upstairs and look with you guys...I have diarrhea...im coming. they wont miss me"
MagicLeeDlishous: i bought some makeup at mac...really cool ass makeup... they were like...this will look great on you... and we went to H&M and put outfits together that we saw at barneys but for hundreds less...
phreakylee: cool
MagicLeeDlishous: me and the gay guy made kevin buy one of those cool blazers for guys
phreakylee: i love H&M!!! Its my fav.
MagicLeeDlishous: yeah it was great... i love H&M... its good that we have them around here b/c dressing kevin is fun b/c his body is like a manaken
phreakylee: hahahaha, "manaken"?
phreakylee: it's mannequin
phreakylee: haha
phreakylee: thats going in my blog--that was good
MagicLeeDlishous: how do you spell it?
phreakylee: mannequin
MagicLeeDlishous: what? seriously?
MagicLeeDlishous: quin?
MagicLeeDlishous: lets ask kim cattrell
phreakylee: yes! lets!

Additonal Song of the Day:
Nothings Gonna Stop Us - Starship
*the closing song from the movie Mannequin with Andrew McCarthy And Kim Catrell (I love the 80's! "Hollywoooooood!")

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y, Hey!

"The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it." -Dr. Evil

Thanks to Claudia for the above profile of the Evil One! I couldn't resist snatching it from your blog baby, as I've never seen it all written out but have always wanted to have it! I considered just pasting it into my profile, but my father's outrageous claims are a little more complex than "the question mark". More like..."I invented YOU" That's a scary thought...Anyway thanks for stopping by! ;)

To what do you owe the pleasure of a Saturday morning blogspurt? I'm working at Curves this morning and I am bored as hell and I wanna get ill. Who am I kidding, I am already ill. Me so stuffy! I can only imagine the snoring that's resonating from my bedroom at night. I recently found out I snore anyway :( but it's really bad when I am sick. I once got in a big fight with Christy (college roomie--hi Chris! congrats on your engagement!) over the whole sick-snoring thing. She didnt sleep for like 3 days and then she erupted. I remember thinking, "I'm sorry I can't help it, don't be mad. We're still goin drinkin tonight right?" but man was she pissed! haha I know she luved me though. Good times...killed a lotta pets! ;)

So I'm sitting here watching a bunch of old ladies work out and listening to them bitching about me putting on the classic rock workout cd. Too bad beyotches! If I have to sit here, you have to listen to the Curves rendition of "long cool woman in a black dress" and Elton John's "funeral for a friend". haha

Last night was amazing. I sat for the girls and they couldn't have been more fun. It's weird...when I arrived they were in playpens and going nuts...all over the place, pulling up and I got kind of nervous, as everytime I've sat for them, it's become more and more challenging, yet fun. They can get away from you FAST now with the crawling (well it's more like an army-guy crawl). They were SO much fun! Won't rave on and on but have to tell you this one thing. I was laying on a quilt playing with them and they were crawling all over me like little monkeys (this is cute but can be painful) and Cameron pulled up and stood between my legs, face to face with me and started singing and playing with my necklace and then she looked in my face, put her arms around my neck and laid her head on my chest and squeezed. She HUGGED me. So I say, "awwww, I love you Cameron." in a soft upbeat voice and she looked at me again and then I said it again to see if she would respond and she did it again! What a lover! I know it doesnt sound like much, but that was awesome. It made my whole year! I love watching them learn stuff. McKenna likes to blow kisses and watch TV like crazy! Plus she loves the tv controller! Is she Erin or WHAT?! haha They are cool.

On the way home I turned my phone ring back on and I had two drunken messages from Heather and Erin and Kevin and William (all I heard was E and H tho). My sister Erin went up to NY city with her boyfriend Kevin to go to a comedy club show (tix he bought her for b-day) and they are staying with the Bails (HH). So they are drunk as hell in the East Village laughing their asses off and making fun of each other on this loooooooong drunken message and I was so happy to hear y'all were having fun, but you really know how to make thelauralee jealous don't you?! Damn! I wish I were there! Glad you are having fun though. Thanks for takin her out HH. We'll all come up again in May for my b-day. I promised rin next week we would all go up soon and that seems like a good time since you'll be down here for Easter and PART-EE-YANG soon ;)

Ok...I'm getting dirty old lady looks so I better roll out, but wanted to say hi! What a a beautiful day, right?!

Songs of the Day:
Mama Mia - ABBA (hey...its on right now, I can't think of anything else)
Survivor - Destiny's Child (I only carry BIG things if you know what I mean!)

No Gnews is Good Gnews with Gary Gnu!

No Gnews IS Good Gnews! Are ya up for a helluva twisty-turney laura-lee-gnu anecdote on this pleasant Friday afternoon? Suuuuure ya are...thats why you're here afterall! ;)

Firstly, who remembers The Great Space Coaster? Most of you I am sure, you 80's dwellers you! Fran, Danny and Roy (queer), Goriddle Gorilla, Knock Knock the Bird, Speed Reader (nice head band and short shorts where we can see your boys - should have been SpeedO Reader!) and last but not least, the ever so slick Gary Gnu.



Gary did the news...or lack thereof. This short saga involves: thelauralee, a gynecologist and the great words of Gary Gnu. Sounds like the beginning of a joke. I wish.

Last week was the truly the hardest week I have ever had and I know, I know, if THAT was the worst week of my life, I am very lucky! But I'm just saying...it was a hard one. I made it out, everything is kosher, but it was hard, ok? Can I get some luv here? ;) In the midst of all the chaos between work, personal, physical, and any other strain I might have endured (oh woe is me...hehe) I had to drop everything last Wednesday morning and drive to friggin Crofton to see "the doctor of the hooha". I'm going to take it easy here and not get down to the nitty gritty on details since you men reading this (my fans and worshipers of the hooha) aren't into all that women stuff, but I gotta at least give you the premise.

All the ladies know how traumatic even setting foot in this woman's office is anyway, I don't care if her name is Dr. Seuss (and if you've been reading Nikki's blog then you know all about her, since we all have the same hooha-specialist...the not-so-intimidating-cat-in-the-hat-taco-examiner). Add to the experience the fact that if anything is actually wrong with your pooty, you're surely in for pain, emotional distress or having to wear something uncomfortable under your clothes, thereby exacerbating your already full figure. We can't stress this enough...the hooha is a complicated thing to have guys. Even YOU spend 9 months tryna get out and the rest of your life tryna get back in. Our job is to gatekeep you like those fuzzy hat dudes outside Buckingham Palace. The Hooha Specialist is our guide. ;)

So I drop everything and drive like a maniac to Crofton, already at the tippy top of the stress peak as it is and there are 3000 pregnant women in the lobby and before you even make it back to the "paper gown and ducklip" room, you will have to tell 4 nurses the date of your last period (???? I can't remember my own birthday sometimes!) and that you are not pregnant.

Nurse 1: Are you pregnant?
me: NO.
Nurse 1: Could you BE pregnant though?
Me: ummm No
Nurse 1: So...no chance? No chance at all?
me: Well do you mean have I had sex? YES! ok? yes I have!
Nurse 1: So yes you could be pregnant?
me: NO! Oh god I hope not! Do you think I am? oh god. Can you test for that?

See? And at this point you are just filling out the FORMS and getting weighed! Trauma, people. So I go in and we chit chat about the disarray of my love life from a purely technical, factual and chronological point of view which is not as exciting I assure you...and she suggests that I order the STD test "buffet" if you will. The full run. Even though I'd recently had the "full run", she explained to me that this was the "Full FULL Run". Ok, whatever... sounds awful. It was. So what does she say as as I leave regarding the results of these tests? Say it with me girls you've ALLLLL heard it before:

"I'll only call you if there's a problem. NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS."

yeahhhhhh and have fun shitting your pants with with worry for the next two weeks but before you go, pay me my $50 you slut. haha kidding. She didnt say that part. But, we've all heard it; whether its your routine yearly, the STD buffet or just a blood test....no gnews is good gnews with Dr. Seuss.

So a week goes by. Yesterday I check my voice mail at work before I leave that I'd been screening all afternoon and I hear: "Laura, this is your doctor, could you please call me as SOON as possible regarding your recent visit to my office."

Oh. My. God. So I call and the office is closed for the day!!! Ok, now I had a scare like this a little while back where I'd gotten some tests and my primary called and freaked me out about the results after a "no news" disclaimer, but the issue was my thyroid medication that time. Not the STD tests! THIS TIME, it was the hooha doctor! waaaaaaaaa!!!!! I'm dying. I know it.

So I have to call HH and NW for a lil freak out session, in which I acted like a dramatic baby and they were reassuring. Thanks girls! :) I even paged the emergency line so they could track that bitch DOWN, but no pager. I have to fret over this until tomorrow morning. I surely will not make it is what I am thinking.

Nikki and I tried to hang some pictures last night and organize some stuff but I couldn't concentrate and had to stop every five seconds and say: "What difference does it make where that Van Gogh print goes when I am dying of an STD?" She laughed, yet I was prolly just making her realize she'd moved in with THE BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN on the planet.

Longer story short, I call this morning first freaking thing and turns out that she was calling to tell me that all my blood work came back normal to 'put my mind at ease'. omg I gave it to her! That's nice and all but you said no gnews was good gnews you bitch! Now could you please treat me for the bleeding ulcer I have now, you goof ball! Ugh....I can't convey to you how horrible this is. Have we all been thru this? I am never having sex again (or so I promised God this morning when I was on hold with her office waiting to hear what was going to kill me slowly and painfully from the hooha OUT).

So I of course became maniacally happy after this relief and started thinking about who I could go out and have sex with first! haha JUST kidding. Seriously. I was SO thankful. Why does sex have to be so chancy anymore?! Do you know that you can get LOADS of diseases even if protection is used? This is simply not fair. Every sexual partner we have now, seems we will have to evaluate whether or not they are worth living with a disease for whatever short life the disease allows you to have. I've met VERY few men worth THAT! I'm being so negative...haha

Puts things in perspective though about what you want, what you need, what you long for, what really hurts. The thought of calling anyone from my past and telling them that or even the thought of telling anyone in my FUTURE (and god please let there be a disease free man in my immediate future who is perfect) is unfathomable. I couldn't even imagine doing it. That's a lie...I could. I did it all night last night. haha

So the lesson of the day is: NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

This goes for everything! Right? In a way at least. Everyday that you long for that guy to call you ladies, is one less day he isn't saying something f*cking retarded or hurtful or leaving you with an emotional hang-over (ha) oh, and leaving the toilet seat up. Everyday that your boss isn't coming over and reaming you out means you're doing a good job! Even if you don't get the praise you deserve and hear nothing--hey, you aren't fired! Everyday your parents aren't calling you with some issue they need YOU to solve regarding your sister and her not picking a major yet even though she's a senior at UMD is something you don't have to stress over. Not hearing that your girlfriend is pregnant guys-- this is GOOD! haha Not having your last lover call you up and tell you they have Gonnorhea = good! So that phone call, letter or visit we're all waiting for...will he call? will she call? Remember...No News Is Good News!

Hell I dunno. Gary had to be onto somethin...

Songs of the Day:
Since You Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (sing it gurl!)
Signs - Snoop Dogg & Justin Timberlake (HOTTIE!)
Daughters - John Mayer

ps: Ikea is having a huge sale this weekend. HUGE. We're there baby! As usual, Nik and I will be laying together on that weird 'side by side' brown leather couch where you can turn the handle and make it into beds or couches or a picnic table. We love this invention and every time we go there we lay on it together and talk about buying it one day. Hey Nik! Maybe we could just charge it...what do you think???

Have a FABULOUS weekend everyone! We will be readying our house for your frequent visits, k? ;)

Go ahead...kiss the screen! U know u want 2!

Cameron on left, McKenna (mini-me) on right.

mmmmmm baby! 2 cute :) This is who I'm hanging out with tonight while their parents go out and get pissed. I called my dad on Wednesday to say I was sick and that I didn't want to get them sick, so they should find another sitter for Friday. He calls back on Thursday and says: "We don't use another sitter, Julie says come anyway, wash your hands a lot, no kisses on the mouth...we got get out! We've been looking forward to this for WEEKS". It's true...He asked me moths ago--haha So...the alkies are feamin. This oughtta be interesting. I'm giving them the phone number to a cab company this time. IDIOTS!!!

TGIF everyone!

Are you there God? It's me...Licky.

Dear God, It's me, Licky...remember? Yeah...HER. I have something to pray about...

Last night my roommate had SEX in the house and it made me feel really weird inside. I never felt like that before God. Inadvertantly listening felt like a sin inside. At first I was just confused because I had called home to see if she wanted dinner and she said yes, so I’d brought it home innocently. Why then God would she be in the shower with only the flickering glow of a candle, banging around so much? She knew I would be home at 8:36pm with the food Lord. Then she took a “nap”. I was confused God…so I tried to put on HOT 99.5 really loud to turn my sinful mind away from thoughts of coitus, but all I heard was 50 Cent telling me to “shhh shhh shhha shake! Shake that A-S-S gurl”. I can’t say that word, sorry. I felt many things all of which are deadly sins for sure: 1) envy 2) lust 3) greed and then I ended up eating alone, so 4) gluttony. Oh wait…then I laid in bed and tried to figure out the cable channels and get some free wireless internet so 5) sloth. For a minute there, 6) anger set in. Why didn’t anyone want to have sex with me Lord? But there was no way I was going to swallow my 7) pride and tell them that. If there were 8 sins, wouldn't one be swallowing? Yeah...well I woulda done that too (the pride I mean).

So Dear God, I ask for your forgiveness today for committing all of the 7 deadly sins in less than two hours. You can forgive my roommate and her special transient friend another day, ok? Although, I have to say, she picked a good transient to do it with since he fixed all the lighting in our new place, changed the bulbs, turned on the humidifier, hung the smoke detectors, put the wall plates on, stopped the horrid unidentified beeping noise and obviously made my roommate a happy lady. Lord, please send me a transient.

In your name I pray…
Amen
(ps: love Licky)

***the above dramatization included two previously undisclosed topics which I will now explain to my viewing audience:

1) Favorite childhood/adolescence “coming of age” paperback, “Are you There God? It’s Me Margaret” where 13 year old Margaret’s shitty parents don’t tell her about what her PERIOD is and she gets it and wigs out and has to talk to God a lot about it (did I get the premise right ladies? I forget…I was more of a “teenage angst” reader myself…Judy Bloom and the like. FLUBBER!)

2) LICKY: my nickname. I know you all know it anyway and if you don’t then this’ll just give you another thing to make fun of me with. Licky. So if it’s not Phreakylee…it’s Licky. I’m seeing a pattern here….hmmmm…

Ok kiddies, I’m off to intrinsically celebrate the alcoholic side of my family today (the Irish part of the confusing combination that is SPIRISH) then maybe on Easter I will take a break and go hang with the overeating, oversexed side. ;)

I see my petition to stop all holidays in 2004-2005 was denied by the WORLD! Thanks cruel world…Easter is still on the calendar…curse you Jesus! Whoa that was so sacrelicious wasn’t it? I’m just kidding. Whew representin. ;)

Songs of the Day:
Cold Shower – Kix ;)
Fast Hard & Loud – Sinner
Disco Inferno – 50 Cent (shhh shhhh shhh shake! Sh-Shake that ass gurl!)
Almost Had You - Bowling for Soup (LOVE this song!)

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

Me Chinese, me play trick, me put on a rubber dick!



I'm seriously going to need to (put on a rubber dick that is) the way my female to female interaction has skyrocketed lately and the male on ME ratio has plummeted. The Dow is higher than my hopes of having a non-self induced "Big O" anytime soon. The price of gasoline is likely to go down before I will again...bah dump dump tttchhh!!! (drum and cymbal noise of course...I had to sound that one out for the proper onomatopoeia)

Yes, yes...I'm inappropriate.

"OMG Laura, I can't believe the stuff you write on your blog! Gross! Vulgar! One minute you're talking about the joys of motherhood and congratulating your friends on child birth and the other you're talking about dildos or bodily functions...you are TOO MUCH girl!"

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that...I wouldn't be stealing wireless internet service, now would I? More on this later, tater...

My cold has broken...I am sneezy and stuffy and I dumped a whole cup of coffee down my boob this morning. My tit is freezing now (the left one) ;) This calamity of the day is actually not a symptom of my illness (at least not THIS illness).

Thanks to the Juice for this gross display of immaturity above (me Chinese). Fairly sure this was taken via 'crappy Sprint phone' on H's most recent visit in February...ahhh yes, it was Superbowl weekend where she did that lady-like yackity-yak on 295. :) good times, good times...

Stay tuned later today for a "new house" incident blog...

*oh side note here; I was looking up how to spell 'onomatopoeia' (fairly unsuccessfully I might add) and I found two other words that I liked that I will share with you:

onanism (n):
1) masterbation
2) coitus interuptus (this mighta been what I did to NW and Darb last night)
Early 18th century. Named for Onan, a character in the Bible (Genesis 38:9), who spilled his semen onto the ground rather than impregnate his deceased brother's wife. (what an assh*le! talk about taking masterbation to a anti-social extreme! Give that girl summa the family sauce already!)

onomatomania (n): obsession with particular words: an obsession with certain words and the repeated intrusion of them into the mind
In a sentence: "I find Laura's onomatomania with the word 'c*cksucker' offensive, but I love her anyway." - quoth every person who has ever come in contact with thelauralee

BIENVENITO Baby Girl Charpiat!!!!

Breaking News Bloggies...Heather had her baby GIRL this afternoon at 4:29 pm!!!

They haven't revealed her name yet, but guess what...I already know what is it so, NAH NAH!!! hehe She told me in secret cuz we're secret friends like that. Let's just say it's not John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt but you'll still love it! Would Heather pick a goofy name?! Nada. Of course this babe is right on time, typical for Heather ;)

CONGRATULATIONS HEATHER AND CRAIG! I am so pleased for you and I cannot envision a more beautiful child...long eye lashes...matching fingernail polish and earrings (right Nicole?) haha

Here are the stats:

BABY GIRL CHARPIAT
8.31 lbs (yikes girl! woo hoo, more power to ya!)
20.4 inches (again holy cow!)

Heather n' Craig's Email - Don't know if she'll appreciate me posting that but I do a lotta dumb stuff and still seem to get away with it! ;) Send em a congratulatory note y'all! Take it easy on the Spanish though...that's my bag baby! (no sir don't mean maybe)

On a serious closing note...I couldn't be happier for them. This child is so wanted and blessed. Heather is going to make a wonderful mother. Love you sweetie--Prost!

ps: I know how to babysit n' stuff...pencil me in ;)

What's the time? It's time to get ILL!

All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.
All work and all play makes laura a sick girl.

I have a fever of 100.7 :( Wait...I've just taken my temp again and it's 101 (orally of course--I will have a more 'accurate' temperature later 4 U) I feel like doody. Someone come over tonight and nurse me back to health, puuuuwwweeeease Eddie?! Actually no...I'm not good about that. I just like to get in bed and sweat it out and bake in my own illness and bitchiness until my cold breaks and THEN I want people to come over so I can give it to them! ORALLY!!! mwwhahaha!

I knew it was coming too. Damn. It's like clockwork after a stressful event followed by endless partying. I wasn't sick the entire year I was engaged and then two days after we got to Cancun I got the Mexican Ebolla and slept through three days of the honeymoon while K took bizarre 'sleeping' pictures of me (which I found last week while packing and DESTROYED--yikes). I remember when I woke up I was like SO confused and a little disappointed I'd slept through two days of my only vacation like EVER! I'd asked K, "What the heck did you do while I was passed out?" He said something like, "Oh I was just chillin with some Mexicans." Hmmm...almost the same as bein with me, eh?! haha (that 'eh?' is just some of my 'Canadian hangover' comin out)

So I am not sure if I am sick from the stress of the move and then the sic partyin and it was just a bug coming, or if it was maybe the SICK HACKING DEATHLY ILL Canadian that hugged me goodbye yesterday and kissed my cheek as he hacked his way to the shuttle bus to the airport. eiyyyiyieee! Man, Sean and I both bathed in anti-bacterial fluids seconds after he left the room! Cool part is, since that dude left, my Cannuck buddy and I got to spend the whole day together and the night as well. ;)

To be continued...

tee hee just kiddin--it ain't like that, but I know you were all expecting something so I was just tryna mess witcha. We went to Joss Sushi House in Annapolis and had a bang up awesome good time and Nikki came along and finally got to meet Sean and we laughed until I pissed myself and had to get an adult diaper ;) We also tore up a crapload of Kiran beers as well as the 'sushi titanic' (boat that comes loaded with sushi--it's sick that we ate it ALL). I will tell you all about the Great Canadian Invasion that occurred these past three days (cuz it's good as always) but for now...I have to roll out Ludahs, cuz I feel like crapola and I have to work tonight and tomorrow as well. waaaaa :(

I was gonna skip the entry, but again...Joey and Ross can't drop the ball!

Later well people

Songs of the Day:
Time to Get Ill - Beastie Boys
Fever - Madonna
Stressed Out - Tribe Called Quest

A Freestyle Tribute 2 My Movers (and my shakers!)

And a 1 and a 2 and a 3... (imagine beat box sounds please)

To all my saviors who helped me move,
Here is a beat that’ll make ya groove!

I writin this rap with a mean hangover,
but it’s sure to make you laugh, like when I fall over.

From the bottom of my heart (but you wish it were my wallet)
I wanna say thanks and I love a good mullet! (it rhymed, gimme a break, this is freestyle)

You really are a bunch of really cool peeps,
And it’s true about the girl who sews what she reaps! (wait…reverse that)

You heard my desperate plea and you all came a truckin,
You destroyed lots of items, but around you weren’t fuckin! (yes I know about the computer chair)

My china cabinet bit it and the china did too, (I unwrapped it)
But with a whole lotta love and a little bit of glue,
Everything will be alright, it’s nice to know I’m cared for.
If you need anything at all, I'll be your dirty lil whore (or maybe I will just help ya out n' stuff)

I want to say I love you more than I could ever blog,
And I love my new place, but don’t miss that f*cking crazy dog. (bastard)

Sorry I acted like a mad cow and I faced incarceration,
But you still put up with me, prolly cuz of the separation (yeah…I played the sympathy card)

It wont be long until I’m fully on my feet, (nice change from my back) ;)
Then at my house is where the party n' YOU will meet!

This is the part where I get really sappy,
I could not have done it without you, only YOU could make me happy.

Dad, Erin, Lindsay, Lisa, Jeannie, Nick, Jeanna, Rob and Old Lady River
Each and every one of you is a very loving giver!

You prolly don’t want to see my face for a very long time,
But come on over, and we’ll laugh about this shitty little rhyme!!! (and boy, was it shitty)

Thank you SO much everyone…I am forever indebted!!! I love you!

Songs of the Move:
Kind and Generous - Natalie Merchant (I'm bound to thank you for it!)
I Like 2 Move It - Reel 2 Reel (it's Dancemania really)
Someone Saved My Life Tonight (Sugar Bear) - Elton John


WAIT! DON'T LEAVE YET!!!

Ode to My Movers (The Remix)

How could I forget amazing people who were key?
Thats Sexy Jerry, 3-some Brad and Worker-bee Dee!

Without you amigos, Nikki woulda been up da creek hon,
I cant belive you got all her shit into that little ass trailer! (oh, that didn’t rhyme but I had to mention it)

You showed up at the crack of dawn, then up and down three flights of stairs
I know that we owe you bigtime, it might involve some dares (I’m a lil excited-tee hee)

Now I realize I’ve mistakenly left out Propane John,
It’s a fact that Im retarded, so let’s just move on.

Thank you John for the furniture Tetris,
I’ve never seen that done: wrap a couch around a mattress! (nice work)

In the end, you guys helped Nikki and that certainly helped me!
So THANK YOU to you all, especially since it was FREE! ;)


*Please answer back in the comments section in the form of a rhyme only please.
Thank you,
Managment

Mmmmm Baby! The other OTHER white meat!

Look at my girls! mmmmmm, too cute! This is in December in Key West with the old man (see? I told you the brown was genetic, at least I'm not that hairy!) Cameron and McKenna are so much bigger now, sitting up, laughing, and they have little comb overs. They do patty-cake, say poppa, papi, ma-ma, and LA-LA!!! But it sounds like random outbursts too, so maybe it's not La-la (Laura) but I'm just going to go ahead and assume it IS and that makes me happy. :) They are eating little cherrios and cookies too, and Cameron gets them stuck on the roof of her mouth and then gags and hacks real loud- haha! McKenna makes this face like she just sucked on a lemon when she eats fruity baby food and more comes out than goes in. Ahhhhh...the joy of babies. I love them SO much I want to kiss and squeeze them all the time! Mckenna (on the left) is the lover. She will bee-bop up and down and smile and that means, "dance" She wants you to dance. Then, you dance all around like an idiot making faces and noises and she cracks up. She smiles so sweetly at you like you a re the best thing in the whole world. She's like me when I was a baby. She's a sensitive cuddler. ;) Cameron thinks you are funny, but she thinks SHE'S funnier! She knows she is smart and fast and I think she might be naughty as she gets older or at least tell us whats on her mind. She has a laugh that sounds like the Chucky doll. It's a hearty chuckle and her whole belly shakes. She has a million dollar smile too. My dad and Julie are looking for house in in Florida and I don't like it. I think they should stay here, because I want to see the girls hit age 2 and 3 and 4 and kindergarten! They will be one in April! When they turn 13, then he can take them to Florida. haha Good lord, I'll be 40 by then! Yikes! Ok, got that outta the way...I just wanted to share some stuff about the babies cuz they make me happy. I miss em. Cute!

The move went well. The house is beautiful. Thanks to all of you who helped. When I come back to work I will write you a glowing tribute. Maybe I will make it a freestyle rap too just for shits and giggles. I know how you like that. Thanks for all the phone calls, all you out of towners. I am just at work this morning to get my mail, check my email, ship a personal package out through my company's UPS system (haha-- kidding! Or am I?), have some good coffee that doesnt taste like a truffle (just kiddin Nik, I got nuttin but luv fer ya roomie!) and pick up Sean's flight itinerary, since I have no idea when they are coming in and I am prolly supposed to pick their Canadian asses up at BWI! haha Also...to get a 20 minute break from unpacking boxes...there are SO many it's ridiculous! A sea of boxes...lots of liquor glasses. We're enabling each other. ;)

We're having fun setting it all up though---great party house! We've had some really wild laughing sessions where we are rolling on the floor giggling and grabbing our stomachs and I am breathless like a hyena, but then again, we've been jogging too and that pretty much makes me laugh at anythinN. Namely, the music of Enya (if you want to call it that-- sounds like Humpback Whales to me). Nikki put it on last night after we ate Taco HELL and I started passing out and narrating the story I thought Enya was trying to convey with her music--which by the way I am not a fan of- and it ended with us rolling on the floor laughing so hard because I'd said that that particular song was about a lot of elves or dwarfs working hard and having a struggle, prolly in a mine or something, and then someone came into the mine and had GOOD NEWS for them and all the dwarfs were so happy and jumping up and down and Nikki asked what the news was and I was passing out at the time but I said: "The head dwarf came to tell the rest that the only female dwarf in the village was now open for business." Well Nikki lost her shit...I heard nothing for 10 seconds and then heard her gasping for air and saying: "stop it! stop making me laugh! I am in such pain!!!" We are in total pain from moving and the injuries are disgusting. No one would sleep with us the way we look. Right now I am hiding in my office at work with the light off so that no one knows I am here and I have on jeans, tennies, a Bon Jovi "Keep the Faith" tour t-shirt, a back fleece hoodie, and a purple baseball cap with a nasty pony tail. NO BRA! haha But who can tell?

I'm only out and about because I just did the walk through at my apartment. MAN! Am I glad to be out! I made a loud Homer Simpson, "WOO HOO!!!" at the top of my lungs as aI peeled wheels out of that joint this morning. Those bitches in the office made me be there at 7 freaking 30 for the 2 minute walk through! I finished cleaning it yesterday and I am fairly sure that any bad luck I might have experience while I lived there was because that joint is like the Bermuda Triangle of bad luck! The vacuum broke 2 seconds after I stared using it (it's new too! damn things always break) and it smelled like burning hair and I could NOT figure out how to get into it, and I didnt have a screw driver, so I had to use a f-ing DUST BUSTER (not kidding you) to vacuum the ENTIRE APARTMENT! haha It took over and hour and a half. I was so pissed. Also, when I was carrying out a cooler full of condiments down the stairs to the car behind Erin (who had a cooler in hand too too) and I stumbled over some stuff and threw the cooler into the air and it landed next to her at in the foyer and Texas Pete hot sauce went ALL OVER THE PLACE! It looked like a crime scene. Erin looks at me and says: "Don't cry Texas Pete! You just do not want me to leave do you?! I knew that was going to happen, GOSH!!!" Apparently I am predictable. So we sat on the stairs and laughed and tried to get Texas Pete out of the carpet, off the walls and off of her! haha Her final thought was: "Out of all the 1000 condiments you are bringing, you break the ONE condiment that was worth moving to the new place...and its involves red dye." Also she noted that I was like a baby, I drop stuff a lot, fall down and if you look at me with pitty right after I do it, I will prolly cry. haha It's true.

Ok mis amantes, I just wanted to blog up up a lil something. I'm making a resolution to go back to shorter, funnier blogs about nothing and try not to share any pain, sadness or lamentation I might be feeling (which I thought would go away with the move, but I realized yesterday that it didnt erase anything...it just takes time not to think of someone and wish they were seeing and feeling all these new things with you). I have a new home, a new roommate, and in three hours, the Canadians will be here, so I better go home, do some more unpacking, pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs for the fitst time in a long time (either that or braid them--ewwww!), do my hair, pick out something nice to wear and go out and tear it up two nights in a row with one of my favorite party animals. That'll perkme right up! Maybe he will help me find a new "flavor of the week"!

Adios amigos! :) Come over and visit! We set up the "party floor" first! ;)

Love me,
LL Cool

Songs of the Day:
Oh Canada! - Five Iron Frenzy
Tell Me Somethin Good - Chaka Chan and Rufus Fame

Omaha Styleeeeeeeeee!!!

ok, ok...so I thought I would pop back on for two reasons:

1) To let you know I was A-ok! Meltdown over. Of course I am sure I could muster up another one for tomorrow's move...actually, I'm not sure...I'm pretty spent ;) This afternoon, after some running around (oh and I slipped at the Glen Burnie post office and tried to brace myself with a pile of "welcome to your new home" mover's packets and papers went fluttering everywhere...I swear I am such a comic strip character!) Jeanna and my aunt, Jeannie, came over and we did some mad packing and some bonding too! I feel so much better. This place is still a friggin disaster, but as I sit here pecking away on my blog for some relaxation, my asshole neighbors are having a loud party (and they will surely have loud sex later) and yet I smile...because I know tonight is my last night in this dump. Goodbye Glen Burnie! Goodbye asshole neighbors! Goodbye old memories! Goodbye OLD LIFE! Hello fresh start! :) Erin is on her way over to spend the night. Its a blessing too because I don't want to be alone tonight...not tonight. I was in the new house earlier this evening and a few things happened...nothing out of the ordinary for me. First thing I did was track dog shit in the house on the new carpet. CHECK! Then, I went to find a liquor store so I could load that bitch up before we all collapse tomorrow after the move. We have SO MUCH BEER! Woo hoo! As Homer would say! I carried so much liquor in (plus Nikki is bringing a case of Yuengling and a case of Miller Lite) as well as the mandatory gingerale. :) I'd brought a few pictures into the new place that I didn't want to get screwed up in the move and as I stood back and looked at my brand new empty bedroom...I felt so good and hopeful. I can't wait.

2) Everytime I got in the car today, I heard 311. It was really annoying. I thought, "what the hell is this resurgence of 311? What a dumb band to bring back! 311 alll sounds the same." Welp, I FINALLY figured it out. It's 3-11! March 11th that is. Today was a special day for their fan. That's singular. And it's Lindsay. Everybody jog!

Night all. I am going to pass out hard...for the last time at 6368 D.

Thanks to all the people who helped today, physically, emotionally, spiritually. ;) Catch y'all on the flip side next week. The CANADIANS are in town starting Monday! yippie! I'm going to be smashed with my sweetie Sean until Wednesday. What could be better than hanging out with an interesting, funny and extremely witty Cannuck who is slightly senior at work and therefor "seasoned" (and here's the kicker...) who can not only keep up with my drinking, but maybe surpass me. Canadians are insane! Love em. Will letcha know how it goes!

Peace :P

A desperate plea!

I am experiencing a complete meltdown! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you are reading this and can help me, today, tomorrow, Sunday, anything, or if you can bring anyone or send anyone to help me, PLEASE do! I am down to my dad, Lindsay, me and my sister tomorrow and I can't even begin to tell you how distressing this is, especially on this move.

I am DESPERATE! If you are wavering on whether or not you can assist me, I hope this puts you over the edge! Come on...you all know I would give you my right arm if you needed it (or at least my left to hold you over). I am feeling a bit alone!

I'm not even playing the sympathy card here, I am desperate. Those of you who are helping me (Lindsay!) ;) take it easy on me tomorrow and guard me from people who are not being understanding please? I might be a little out of it. I know I am today. GAAAAAAA!

Call me if you can help out. Any amount of help is appreciated!

Thanks! :)

Tommy need sleepy!

awwwwwww man....I'm delirious, and I have the sleepy giggles!

Who, what when where and why do I have all this stuff?! I don't even need it. I have too much crap. Jeez...I wish I could leave it all. I should have sold it. I could use the green $$$! I spent my last $40 on the packing helper monkey. What a deal...but he's a lazy little punk. I let him take a break from disconnecting the entertainment system to sit on the couch and act cute and make monkey noises, and he happened to see my blog up on the screen and it short-circuited his little baby helper monkey mind and now he's stuck like THIS!!!



I tried to give him a banana, but he's just spaced out. I think he's sleepy...I imagine he was giving handjobs all week and now he's just plain tuckered out. Man, that explains the 40 bones. I was robbed.

;) Just needed a break and decided to post a silly blog...while you are all asleep and your little minds dancing with peaceful dreams. I'm a total friggin IDIOT my lil Napoleons! Tonight I worked at Curves and I did three first work outs, where you take the new peeps around and train them on the equipment. Well I decided to do the entire work out with each one of them...separately and so basically I did the circuit 6 times tonight and I am flippin tired! And I have to pull an all nighter. :( I got a big cup of coffee and a diet cherry coke but it aint wurkin hon!

Tommy want sleepy!!! Need sleeeepy!

He's Just Not That Into You!

This is a chick blog to the highest extent guys, so if you just want to get into the minds of women (and prolly laugh too) keep reading. If you want to watch us like wild animals...quietly observe how the female takes her prey, please do join us!

Topic: He's Just Not That Into You - by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Most of my bloggies know of this fine piece of literature and have read it and for a while there, we actually incorporated it into our vocabularies! On any given day we could hear one of us saying to the other, “Yes, but Greg said...so you obviously have to ...." inserting ‘the answer’ to your relationship woe. The premise of the book for those of you who don't know, it’s a funny and sarcastic but VERY poignant guide for women on reading signals from men, since they all have an almost impossible time telling you: I'm just not that into you. You aren’t the one.

We break things down, we analyze, we interpret, we spend hours doing this with one another. Hell! I have a whole house worth of shit to pack and I spent 2 hours on IM last night with Heather, whom I talk to EVERYDAY...ALL DAY anyway, interpreting a man. This "needed" to be done then, naturally. And we did it! It finally ended at nearly 1am when we decided that I should just stuff “the issue” in a box for now, pack, move, settle and consider revisiting this heartache at a later date. A "pain rain check" if you will. So as you can see...someone lifted the duct tape on that box while I slept for 2 hours (b/c yes I did resume packing at 1am) because I gots sumptin to say today! ;)

So one writer and one advisor for the show, Sex in the City, put their collective heads together so that a MAN, a normal, good guy could give us the heads up, while the woman writer gives him the flip side yo! It’s fantastic!

The book reads in chapters…
He’s just not that into you if: he’s not calling, he’s not dating you, he’s having sex with other people, he’s married or emotionally unavailable, he only wants to see you when he’s drunk, if he’s BREAKING UP WITH YOU, he’s disappeared on you, he’s a selfish jerk or a bully, etc.. Girls write letters to Greg telling them of their woes and situations (and by the way the letters are fake as hell, but they are funny), and he gives them a quick sarcastic line of quips and ends each return letter with: He’s just not that into you. Then Liz writes her section: HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD…and she tells Greg how we reason these problems out to mean anything other that “he’s just not that into me”. Greg says in retort, in his section: IT SO SIMPLE! You aren’t going to be “wondering” when he’s that into you! Duh. Anyway, great book and there are two sections that I want to highlight here today that are 1) TRUE and 2) specific to me. I’ve got dirty laundry to air.

Firstly, earlier on in the book, Greg says:

“Ladies…we may not totally say what we feel, but we are almost always SHOWING you. We would rather lose an arm out a city bus window or be trampled by a herd of elephants on fire than to tell you that you’re not the one…we’re just not that into you. We are certain that you will kill yourself or us or both or worse, CRY. We will use every excuse in the book and even hang on in unsatisfying relationships, giving bare minimum to avoid that conversation.”

True. Most important part? “WE MAY NOT ALWAYS SAY EXACTLY HOW WE FEEL BUT WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SHOWING YOU.” Actions speak.

If you are in limbo in your relationship (and 90% of us are, and we hate those 10% who are happy and perfect but they exist!), we need clarity! They aren’t going to give it to us chickies. We have to find it on our own by empowering ourselves to accept that this man is just not that into me (b/c of a, b or c) and move on and find someone who is, b/c he’s out there, after all, YOU’RE WONDERFUL!!!!

There are many applicable chapters for me, however right now, it’s: He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations of being unavailable).

Allow me to paste Greg’s ITS SO SIMPLE! response to the letter that pleads: “But Greg! He just got out of a relationship and he has things he needs to ‘work through’. He’s just not ready YET!”

“Ladies, yes you are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he's really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it CLEAR to you how he feels, so there is no mystery and tell you up front that he’s not up to it RIGHT NOW. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are NOT easily forgettable."

Now, lucky for thelauralee, he doesn’t give anymore advice on that issue! :( And I swear to God, those of you who read it know, that’s the ONLY concession he makes in that book and that is, a man who is suffering from some sort of pain associated with a past relationship. Those are the only ones he gives you permission to wait for. But how long Greg???!!!! What’s “fast”?

Liz retorts: HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD…

“Because it’s YOU. Not someone on TV or someone you read about or heard about, it’s you and it’s hard. The operative word here is "WAIT". YOU have to do the waiting, biding your time, biting your tongue, keeping your needs quiet. Because…he’s so special, that guy. He deserves to have you sit around and wait, putting your life on hold, not getting what YOU want, while he takes his time sorting it all out. He’s THAT special. YOU, of course...aren’t at all. This is how we reason it out. I have done this ‘waiting thing” countless times and in a way it feels noble and romantic and dramatic to be filled with longing and heartache, knowing that the man you love, for whatever reason can’t be yours right now. You are willing to wait because your feelings are SO profound. But after a while, don’t you start thinking maybe you can do better than that? You're bored. Right? Aren’t you bored and chipped away at experiencing the same type of misery over and over again? (because let’s face it, it’s not your first time is it?). Our life goes on and why shouldn’t it? YOU ARE FUCKING FABULOUS!”

I like that they cuss in this book too ;) Though…was that a solution to my problem? I think we all found after reading it that it didn’t hold the answer like the little pink, Arc of the Covenant. Just validating your feelings is all. Women like that shit. Hello? Best seller!

So I am talking about this with The Bails and she’s on the edge of her seat! Like she’s never read the book 3 times and referred to it like “the good book”! haha

Baileyjuice: Well what’s Greg’s rebuttal??? That’s where the answer is, read me that. How long do you wait? What’s reasonable?

Me: I CAN’T F-ING FIND IT! OMG! How will I ever make this decision without Greg’s sarcastic hard love?! (haha Sike!) ;)

It just transitions right into the next blurb which is: THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE (by Liz):

“Liz! My friend met a guy who’d just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before they met, after living with her for over 3 years! She thought she was just going to be his rebound romance and he thought the same, but even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready, because he had "issues" and had "just gotten out of something", he didn’t. Why? Because he was REALLY into her; he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her; he was in love with her; he didn’t want her to get away. Now they are in a serious relationship.” (by the way—f*ck that couple) ;)

Next section: WHAT WE LEARNED IN THIS CHAPTER:

-He’s unavailable.
-Unless he’s all yours, he’s still hers.
-There are cool, loving, single men in the world who will appreciate you. Find one of them to go out with.
-If a guy is crying over his last relationship, try to find someone else to take you to the movies.
-He’s unavailable.
-Don’t be that girl. You’re better than that.
-You are not easily forgotten. Let him find YOU when he’s ready.

So…I guess that’s my answer. I should prolly call Sex In the City though and ask for Greg and tell him that I need him to get back to me on one final issue and that is: how long is too long? He’ll prolly get back to me before my sweetheart will! haha I was recently given a time frame that after some reflection on it, I personally find INSULTING. Here’s my algebra on that:

-Two, 3 months, maybe 4 = doable…reasonable.
-5+ months = He’s just not that into you. Unreasonable. Unavailable. Move on.

I hate being in limbo. I like doing the limbo, but with my lack of agility and coordination, it’s better if I just lay on the floor and someone moves the stick over my body and sings the song and everyone cheers. It’s just “safer”. I go over and over in my head, “Am I just in denial? Am I THE ONE complicating this? Am I just missing the clarity of his assertive: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! (which if you took all of my responses to his rejections out of that final breakup convo, that’s what you’d be left with. A string of NO!s. What’s not clear about that? I'm retarded obviously. :(

Last night I was certain I knew what to do to exit limbo, with or without this guy’s input. Today, stupid Greg validated the “not ready-have issues” situation. What I had decided last night was that I got some BS fed to me as the pathetic clingy girl in order to avoid having to say what no one wants to say (and many people are not able to) and that is: “I feel stronger about whatever it is going on with me, than I do about you.” And come on!!! No one wants to hear that, No one likes rejection. It makes you feel bad about yourself. It makes you not pack. It makes a whole box of Honey Nut Cherrios go bubye in 4 days. It makes you spend 7.5 hours torturing your friends, asking the same questions over and over and over and…and then, there’s THE BLOG.

And these good friends, they do it with you. They love you. They know your worth. They’ve been there. So all my women who independent, throw ya hands up at me! What do YOU think? I just can’t get away from what Liz always says and that is: HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD... for shizzle my Liz-zle. That it is.

Reason and logic are no match for love and emotion. Least not up in this grill. I’m going to go ahead and pick out of this that Greg is telling us…telling ME…don’t go to him. Don’t do it. You’re worth more than that. Nothing you say now will change what he is and is not wanting. You can’t make him love you. Your profession of love is not going to make him want you. He will come to you on his white horse when he is ready if he’s into you….stayed tuned…

hmmmm…cockamamie if you ask me. I also HATE horses. Scary and smelly as hell. I think that the underlying truth here is: NO length of time is okay to wait. If Mr. I Have Issues wants to come back, he's gonna have to work for it and hope that you take him back then, and as fast as we move and shake ladies (being the extraordinary beings that we are), a lot will have changed by then...the longer he waits. It’s the terrible risk he took when he ended it. So, I say, no waiting. Just living. Fuck Greg.