No Gnews is Good Gnews with Gary Gnu!

No Gnews IS Good Gnews! Are ya up for a helluva twisty-turney laura-lee-gnu anecdote on this pleasant Friday afternoon? Suuuuure ya are...thats why you're here afterall! ;)

Firstly, who remembers The Great Space Coaster? Most of you I am sure, you 80's dwellers you! Fran, Danny and Roy (queer), Goriddle Gorilla, Knock Knock the Bird, Speed Reader (nice head band and short shorts where we can see your boys - should have been SpeedO Reader!) and last but not least, the ever so slick Gary Gnu.



Gary did the news...or lack thereof. This short saga involves: thelauralee, a gynecologist and the great words of Gary Gnu. Sounds like the beginning of a joke. I wish.

Last week was the truly the hardest week I have ever had and I know, I know, if THAT was the worst week of my life, I am very lucky! But I'm just saying...it was a hard one. I made it out, everything is kosher, but it was hard, ok? Can I get some luv here? ;) In the midst of all the chaos between work, personal, physical, and any other strain I might have endured (oh woe is me...hehe) I had to drop everything last Wednesday morning and drive to friggin Crofton to see "the doctor of the hooha". I'm going to take it easy here and not get down to the nitty gritty on details since you men reading this (my fans and worshipers of the hooha) aren't into all that women stuff, but I gotta at least give you the premise.

All the ladies know how traumatic even setting foot in this woman's office is anyway, I don't care if her name is Dr. Seuss (and if you've been reading Nikki's blog then you know all about her, since we all have the same hooha-specialist...the not-so-intimidating-cat-in-the-hat-taco-examiner). Add to the experience the fact that if anything is actually wrong with your pooty, you're surely in for pain, emotional distress or having to wear something uncomfortable under your clothes, thereby exacerbating your already full figure. We can't stress this enough...the hooha is a complicated thing to have guys. Even YOU spend 9 months tryna get out and the rest of your life tryna get back in. Our job is to gatekeep you like those fuzzy hat dudes outside Buckingham Palace. The Hooha Specialist is our guide. ;)

So I drop everything and drive like a maniac to Crofton, already at the tippy top of the stress peak as it is and there are 3000 pregnant women in the lobby and before you even make it back to the "paper gown and ducklip" room, you will have to tell 4 nurses the date of your last period (???? I can't remember my own birthday sometimes!) and that you are not pregnant.

Nurse 1: Are you pregnant?
me: NO.
Nurse 1: Could you BE pregnant though?
Me: ummm No
Nurse 1: So...no chance? No chance at all?
me: Well do you mean have I had sex? YES! ok? yes I have!
Nurse 1: So yes you could be pregnant?
me: NO! Oh god I hope not! Do you think I am? oh god. Can you test for that?

See? And at this point you are just filling out the FORMS and getting weighed! Trauma, people. So I go in and we chit chat about the disarray of my love life from a purely technical, factual and chronological point of view which is not as exciting I assure you...and she suggests that I order the STD test "buffet" if you will. The full run. Even though I'd recently had the "full run", she explained to me that this was the "Full FULL Run". Ok, whatever... sounds awful. It was. So what does she say as as I leave regarding the results of these tests? Say it with me girls you've ALLLLL heard it before:

"I'll only call you if there's a problem. NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS."

yeahhhhhh and have fun shitting your pants with with worry for the next two weeks but before you go, pay me my $50 you slut. haha kidding. She didnt say that part. But, we've all heard it; whether its your routine yearly, the STD buffet or just a blood test....no gnews is good gnews with Dr. Seuss.

So a week goes by. Yesterday I check my voice mail at work before I leave that I'd been screening all afternoon and I hear: "Laura, this is your doctor, could you please call me as SOON as possible regarding your recent visit to my office."

Oh. My. God. So I call and the office is closed for the day!!! Ok, now I had a scare like this a little while back where I'd gotten some tests and my primary called and freaked me out about the results after a "no news" disclaimer, but the issue was my thyroid medication that time. Not the STD tests! THIS TIME, it was the hooha doctor! waaaaaaaaa!!!!! I'm dying. I know it.

So I have to call HH and NW for a lil freak out session, in which I acted like a dramatic baby and they were reassuring. Thanks girls! :) I even paged the emergency line so they could track that bitch DOWN, but no pager. I have to fret over this until tomorrow morning. I surely will not make it is what I am thinking.

Nikki and I tried to hang some pictures last night and organize some stuff but I couldn't concentrate and had to stop every five seconds and say: "What difference does it make where that Van Gogh print goes when I am dying of an STD?" She laughed, yet I was prolly just making her realize she'd moved in with THE BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN on the planet.

Longer story short, I call this morning first freaking thing and turns out that she was calling to tell me that all my blood work came back normal to 'put my mind at ease'. omg I gave it to her! That's nice and all but you said no gnews was good gnews you bitch! Now could you please treat me for the bleeding ulcer I have now, you goof ball! Ugh....I can't convey to you how horrible this is. Have we all been thru this? I am never having sex again (or so I promised God this morning when I was on hold with her office waiting to hear what was going to kill me slowly and painfully from the hooha OUT).

So I of course became maniacally happy after this relief and started thinking about who I could go out and have sex with first! haha JUST kidding. Seriously. I was SO thankful. Why does sex have to be so chancy anymore?! Do you know that you can get LOADS of diseases even if protection is used? This is simply not fair. Every sexual partner we have now, seems we will have to evaluate whether or not they are worth living with a disease for whatever short life the disease allows you to have. I've met VERY few men worth THAT! I'm being so negative...haha

Puts things in perspective though about what you want, what you need, what you long for, what really hurts. The thought of calling anyone from my past and telling them that or even the thought of telling anyone in my FUTURE (and god please let there be a disease free man in my immediate future who is perfect) is unfathomable. I couldn't even imagine doing it. That's a lie...I could. I did it all night last night. haha

So the lesson of the day is: NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

This goes for everything! Right? In a way at least. Everyday that you long for that guy to call you ladies, is one less day he isn't saying something f*cking retarded or hurtful or leaving you with an emotional hang-over (ha) oh, and leaving the toilet seat up. Everyday that your boss isn't coming over and reaming you out means you're doing a good job! Even if you don't get the praise you deserve and hear nothing--hey, you aren't fired! Everyday your parents aren't calling you with some issue they need YOU to solve regarding your sister and her not picking a major yet even though she's a senior at UMD is something you don't have to stress over. Not hearing that your girlfriend is pregnant guys-- this is GOOD! haha Not having your last lover call you up and tell you they have Gonnorhea = good! So that phone call, letter or visit we're all waiting for...will he call? will she call? Remember...No News Is Good News!

Hell I dunno. Gary had to be onto somethin...

Songs of the Day:
Since You Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (sing it gurl!)
Signs - Snoop Dogg & Justin Timberlake (HOTTIE!)
Daughters - John Mayer

ps: Ikea is having a huge sale this weekend. HUGE. We're there baby! As usual, Nik and I will be laying together on that weird 'side by side' brown leather couch where you can turn the handle and make it into beds or couches or a picnic table. We love this invention and every time we go there we lay on it together and talk about buying it one day. Hey Nik! Maybe we could just charge it...what do you think???

Have a FABULOUS weekend everyone! We will be readying our house for your frequent visits, k? ;)