So...you're all expecting to pop on and read about Nikki's 30th Surprise Birthday Bash and all the little stories of all the little (and big) bizarre things that went on. All your little stomach muscles are aching from all the laughing you did at that party and now you've got to see what I HAVE to say about it all. Well a sigh of relief, for one! Holy mackerel! (Nikki loves it when I exclaim this) I wanted to go upstairs and take a nap as soon as she finally got through the door! haha
BUT...before I blog about partymania 2005, I've had a number of requests to BACKBLOG. I find it truly bizarre (yet flattering) that many of you even had time to check my blog Friday, Saturday and Sunday to see if the "sex toy" story was on there or "the manicure story" or if the "Easter Sloth Story" was up. Sheesh peeps! thelauralee has had a hard week and needs a few days off too, ya know! I am gonna try and make these little tidbits as short as I can because most of you heard them in person (I thought), especially the story you are about to read below, but those of you who didn't...be sure that the ones who did FULLY enjoyed this one.
So let's catch up, and then we'll go over the party blog, though really...Nikki should be the one to cover the party...if you want it from my point of view it's going to involve a baby pool full of beer (see blog below), 400 bottles of liquor, a $15 berry tart on the ground in the parking lot of Costco, homemade long island ice teas, a torn ACL muscle, a better look at the stairwell of my new house (face first), a bottle of Ibuprophen and some severe rug burn. Nikkis version? Fabrage eggs, pirates of penzance shirt, 7 appletinis, 3 packs of smokes, one chocolate cake, a Napoleon Dynamite poster, one diet pepsi all over her new PJs and my rocking chair and our carpet and Kari...all caused by some cake dust in her throat.
Soooooooo...I have this BOX of "stuff". It's naughty stuff. Some is actually fairly NORMAL, but I keep it in the box, merely because it's in the same "genre". Upon my untimely demise, I have 2 primaries and 2 backup seek and destroyers...all of whom I call "secret keepers" (a la Harry Potter), who are to swoop in like Navy Seals and dispose of this "naughty box" before my mommy comes in to clean my bedroom and honor my lifetime of achievement at St. John the Evangelist Catholic Church. Surely she would bury me at the local dump, rolled in patio astroturf she didnt want anymore, if she found this box first. So needless to repeat...it's naughty. So as I am packing up the old place to move a couple weeks ago, I decide to transfer these items from the breaking Italian leather shoe box belongings to my ex, to the snap handle plastic bag they gave me at Howard County General Hospital when I got my gall bladder taken out in June. It's the bag they give you to put your clothes and jewelry and personal affects in before you go under the knife. I saved this bag. I don't know why...maybe I looked into the future and thought it would be a good hiding place for Little Lyndon Johnson...who knows. So my aunt helped me pack my bedroom and as she got within 3 feet of that "hiding place" (no I am not telling YOU where that is...only the secret keepers and past lovers and everyone at Nikkis birthday party know THAT!) and the "naughty box alarm goes off: neeeee naaaaaw! and I say to her (she's cool by the way-- my mom's sister) , "Ughhhh Jeannie? don't pack that area over there....I got it." She gives me a knowing look and says, "gotcha!" so I pack this area up and I lay the bag in a drawer and she says, "You know Laura...I think you should take that bag out to your car NOW so you don't forget. You don't want anyone messing with it." I say, "ugh yeah...I prolly will, though I don't think anyone will fool with it here" as I covered it with a sheet and went on my merry way.
WELL...on Friday morning, I was laying in bed...THINKING. I was thinking, "this room is so great...I love my new room...I wonder if I will ever "do it" in this room..." I DONT KNOW what made me think of the bag other than sex. I simply don't know. But I rolled over in bed and went to the place where this bag was last seen and OH. MY. HOLY. GOD. It's gone! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF (freak out commences). I tear that joint up. I am looking in the closet, the basement, all the drawers, under the bed, in the bathrooms (I dunno?) and finally I am in a full force freak out so bad that I involve Nikki. She thinks this is hilarious (bitch) and that it will turn up sooner rather than later. Yeahhhh....and in the meantime...how about the fact that it could have been moved in someone else's car who was moving small things...and LEFT THERE??!!! The candidates: my aunt Jeannie (who SURELY would have called me by now), Lindsay (yes, a total horny perv, but still...she would have called me too!) This leaves three final candidates:
1) my old coworker Rob, who helped me move and who I am still friends with (or WAS)
2) Old Lady River (as she was called by my movers), who is the friggin ACCOUNTING MANAGER at my place of business!!!
3) my father
I want to die.
I am getting pretty upset at this point, so I call my aunt. She packed up the room...maybe she moved it (fingers crossed...lip bite). I call her. She thinks this is funny, but also she is seriously trying to help me figure out where it could be. I check everywhere again. Nowhere. Finally she says, "Look, I think someone else got it, and it's obviously someone who would be too embarrassed to come to you with the bag, and probably ditched it. Also it could be that it's in someone's car and they haven't found it yet." Yeahhhhhh....and that'll be a heart stopping surprise! Good lord...
So she suggests that I send out an email telling everyone it was:
SEX TOY AMNESTY DAY
Turn the tables and let THEM know that it's Ok that they stole my sex toys and pornography (hey people, it's not all mine, I inherited a bit of it in the separation too...gimme a break...I'm a good girl) and that I forgive them...this is their opportunity to RETURN the bag...no questions asked...no penalties. AMNESTY! I laugh, but not whole heartedly as I imagine my father opening that bag. :( She then suggests that I call everyone and tell them that Kevin called asking for his "bag of stuff" back. When I told her that wouldn't work by describing to her what SPECIFICALLY was in the bag...she said to tell everyone he left me because he was gay and liked those things better than me. OMG!!!! Not a better explanation! So I was so upset...not knowing who got the bag and which person was worse! Jeannie even at one point suggested that maybe they would find it and think one of their OWN kids left it in their car. YEAH! whatever! All their kids are either grown with their own kids (old lady river) or under the age of 11!!!! it's obviously Perverted Laura! How nice would it be to go into my office one day and see that bag sitting on my chair with a lil note "found this in my car. dont ever speak to me again. signed old lady river"
I get off the phone with Jean and resign myself to laying on the floor of my walk-in-closet and pouting. One...the humiliation. Two...that was a lot of my favorite things, dammit! Gone! haha So as I lay there in a little nightie (yeah, it's 2 pm so what?) Nikki comes into my bedroom (or stumbles rather). She puts her hands on her waist and surveys the room tapping one foot.
"You know...I have NEVER seen anyone tear apart a room like this looking for porn! You are going to put it all back right?"
NO! I'm going to live with a mountain of clothes, socks, books, bags, shoes and cosmetics in the middle of my floor and on my bed for eternity! waaaaaaaaa! She creeps over to the closet floor to comfort me.
"Awwww...it's not that bad. So what? Think of it this way...whoever it is has known for two weeks anyway, so no point in getting all upset today! Come on. Get up. I want to get manicures and pedicures today. It's my birthday eve. Why don't you check those clear bags over there..."
So I actually lean over to start opening the clear bags full of shoes as she leaves the room and HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!!!! There is it! OMG...relief flows over my body as I shoot up, and run to Nikki's room. "NIKKI! NIKKI! I FOUND IT!!" She opens the door (naked holding a robe in front of her- thanks Nik) and says: "Well I'm happy for you. ALTHOUGH, I dont know if you could have claimed it WASNT yours given the fact that your fullname, birthdate and social security number are on the bag. Good choice Laura!"
I look at the bag. Hmmmm...yeah, there it is! They had marked the bag with a sticker with all my info at the hospital. Yeah I would of had a hard time denying that.
Whew-weee! So I told this story to Darb and Nikki all sitting around on my bed that night (and showed them the contents of the bag-- like the sexual arc of the covenant) then again at the party and it seemed to get a hootin-hollarin laugh and I got many a request to blog about it.
So there is is. I swear...I am gonna have to go to the mental institution one of these days when I go over the edge (cuckoos nest! cuckoos nest!) ;)
BUT...before I blog about partymania 2005, I've had a number of requests to BACKBLOG. I find it truly bizarre (yet flattering) that many of you even had time to check my blog Friday, Saturday and Sunday to see if the "sex toy" story was on there or "the manicure story" or if the "Easter Sloth Story" was up. Sheesh peeps! thelauralee has had a hard week and needs a few days off too, ya know! I am gonna try and make these little tidbits as short as I can because most of you heard them in person (I thought), especially the story you are about to read below, but those of you who didn't...be sure that the ones who did FULLY enjoyed this one.
So let's catch up, and then we'll go over the party blog, though really...Nikki should be the one to cover the party...if you want it from my point of view it's going to involve a baby pool full of beer (see blog below), 400 bottles of liquor, a $15 berry tart on the ground in the parking lot of Costco, homemade long island ice teas, a torn ACL muscle, a better look at the stairwell of my new house (face first), a bottle of Ibuprophen and some severe rug burn. Nikkis version? Fabrage eggs, pirates of penzance shirt, 7 appletinis, 3 packs of smokes, one chocolate cake, a Napoleon Dynamite poster, one diet pepsi all over her new PJs and my rocking chair and our carpet and Kari...all caused by some cake dust in her throat.
Soooooooo...I have this BOX of "stuff". It's naughty stuff. Some is actually fairly NORMAL, but I keep it in the box, merely because it's in the same "genre". Upon my untimely demise, I have 2 primaries and 2 backup seek and destroyers...all of whom I call "secret keepers" (a la Harry Potter), who are to swoop in like Navy Seals and dispose of this "naughty box" before my mommy comes in to clean my bedroom and honor my lifetime of achievement at St. John the Evangelist Catholic Church. Surely she would bury me at the local dump, rolled in patio astroturf she didnt want anymore, if she found this box first. So needless to repeat...it's naughty. So as I am packing up the old place to move a couple weeks ago, I decide to transfer these items from the breaking Italian leather shoe box belongings to my ex, to the snap handle plastic bag they gave me at Howard County General Hospital when I got my gall bladder taken out in June. It's the bag they give you to put your clothes and jewelry and personal affects in before you go under the knife. I saved this bag. I don't know why...maybe I looked into the future and thought it would be a good hiding place for Little Lyndon Johnson...who knows. So my aunt helped me pack my bedroom and as she got within 3 feet of that "hiding place" (no I am not telling YOU where that is...only the secret keepers and past lovers and everyone at Nikkis birthday party know THAT!) and the "naughty box alarm goes off: neeeee naaaaaw! and I say to her (she's cool by the way-- my mom's sister) , "Ughhhh Jeannie? don't pack that area over there....I got it." She gives me a knowing look and says, "gotcha!" so I pack this area up and I lay the bag in a drawer and she says, "You know Laura...I think you should take that bag out to your car NOW so you don't forget. You don't want anyone messing with it." I say, "ugh yeah...I prolly will, though I don't think anyone will fool with it here" as I covered it with a sheet and went on my merry way.
WELL...on Friday morning, I was laying in bed...THINKING. I was thinking, "this room is so great...I love my new room...I wonder if I will ever "do it" in this room..." I DONT KNOW what made me think of the bag other than sex. I simply don't know. But I rolled over in bed and went to the place where this bag was last seen and OH. MY. HOLY. GOD. It's gone! WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF (freak out commences). I tear that joint up. I am looking in the closet, the basement, all the drawers, under the bed, in the bathrooms (I dunno?) and finally I am in a full force freak out so bad that I involve Nikki. She thinks this is hilarious (bitch) and that it will turn up sooner rather than later. Yeahhhh....and in the meantime...how about the fact that it could have been moved in someone else's car who was moving small things...and LEFT THERE??!!! The candidates: my aunt Jeannie (who SURELY would have called me by now), Lindsay (yes, a total horny perv, but still...she would have called me too!) This leaves three final candidates:
1) my old coworker Rob, who helped me move and who I am still friends with (or WAS)
2) Old Lady River (as she was called by my movers), who is the friggin ACCOUNTING MANAGER at my place of business!!!
3) my father
I want to die.
I am getting pretty upset at this point, so I call my aunt. She packed up the room...maybe she moved it (fingers crossed...lip bite). I call her. She thinks this is funny, but also she is seriously trying to help me figure out where it could be. I check everywhere again. Nowhere. Finally she says, "Look, I think someone else got it, and it's obviously someone who would be too embarrassed to come to you with the bag, and probably ditched it. Also it could be that it's in someone's car and they haven't found it yet." Yeahhhhhh....and that'll be a heart stopping surprise! Good lord...
So she suggests that I send out an email telling everyone it was:
SEX TOY AMNESTY DAY
Turn the tables and let THEM know that it's Ok that they stole my sex toys and pornography (hey people, it's not all mine, I inherited a bit of it in the separation too...gimme a break...I'm a good girl) and that I forgive them...this is their opportunity to RETURN the bag...no questions asked...no penalties. AMNESTY! I laugh, but not whole heartedly as I imagine my father opening that bag. :( She then suggests that I call everyone and tell them that Kevin called asking for his "bag of stuff" back. When I told her that wouldn't work by describing to her what SPECIFICALLY was in the bag...she said to tell everyone he left me because he was gay and liked those things better than me. OMG!!!! Not a better explanation! So I was so upset...not knowing who got the bag and which person was worse! Jeannie even at one point suggested that maybe they would find it and think one of their OWN kids left it in their car. YEAH! whatever! All their kids are either grown with their own kids (old lady river) or under the age of 11!!!! it's obviously Perverted Laura! How nice would it be to go into my office one day and see that bag sitting on my chair with a lil note "found this in my car. dont ever speak to me again. signed old lady river"
I get off the phone with Jean and resign myself to laying on the floor of my walk-in-closet and pouting. One...the humiliation. Two...that was a lot of my favorite things, dammit! Gone! haha So as I lay there in a little nightie (yeah, it's 2 pm so what?) Nikki comes into my bedroom (or stumbles rather). She puts her hands on her waist and surveys the room tapping one foot.
"You know...I have NEVER seen anyone tear apart a room like this looking for porn! You are going to put it all back right?"
NO! I'm going to live with a mountain of clothes, socks, books, bags, shoes and cosmetics in the middle of my floor and on my bed for eternity! waaaaaaaaa! She creeps over to the closet floor to comfort me.
"Awwww...it's not that bad. So what? Think of it this way...whoever it is has known for two weeks anyway, so no point in getting all upset today! Come on. Get up. I want to get manicures and pedicures today. It's my birthday eve. Why don't you check those clear bags over there..."
So I actually lean over to start opening the clear bags full of shoes as she leaves the room and HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL!!!! There is it! OMG...relief flows over my body as I shoot up, and run to Nikki's room. "NIKKI! NIKKI! I FOUND IT!!" She opens the door (naked holding a robe in front of her- thanks Nik) and says: "Well I'm happy for you. ALTHOUGH, I dont know if you could have claimed it WASNT yours given the fact that your fullname, birthdate and social security number are on the bag. Good choice Laura!"
I look at the bag. Hmmmm...yeah, there it is! They had marked the bag with a sticker with all my info at the hospital. Yeah I would of had a hard time denying that.
Whew-weee! So I told this story to Darb and Nikki all sitting around on my bed that night (and showed them the contents of the bag-- like the sexual arc of the covenant) then again at the party and it seemed to get a hootin-hollarin laugh and I got many a request to blog about it.
So there is is. I swear...I am gonna have to go to the mental institution one of these days when I go over the edge (cuckoos nest! cuckoos nest!) ;)
1 Comments:
Woah....glad you found your toys! I wish I could have stayed longer to party with yuse (that is my Glenn Burnae speaking). It was a great time --I wish I could have been around when this topic was out of the closet --Heheh! Luck would have it once I got home --plans changed and I was stuck playing X-Box all night.
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