My Anaconda don't want none unless you got Buds, hon!

Satan is in our garden of Eden (aka Hickory Knoll). Soon enough, he will be offering us the big apple. I hope it’s in the form of an Appletini (God, I cant stop thinking about them now that I cant have them!) I asked Nikki yesterday, “Why can’t GOD live under our stoop, and not Satan?” She seems to think we’re not good enough for that.

So, we have no picture of the serpent, because both of us are complete pussies and can’t be near or on the stoop for longer than 3 seconds without squealing or jumping or hyperventilating. Also last night was trash night and we decided it would be best to eat and watch an ENTIRE MOVIE (Sideways. Interesting) and THEN take out the trash, which was to include a giant empty Char-broil grill box on the BACK patio. That is 1) a nice place for snakes to hang out in…it’s like a fort and 2) means we would have to drag it around the side of the house out to the parking lot for recycling. It’s too big to fit up the stairs (or we’re too lazy, I dunno). So we naturally have 400 bags of trash, that are WET from the rain and plentiful from the party, plus it’s recycle night. Upon viewing our bin on any other Tuesday, one might think we need a sponsor and quick. However, after my b-day party and one refrigerator cleaning initiated on Monday, this bitch was FULL. Full of water too. L Nikki makes me carry everything that’s either gross, wet, or snake oriented and I’m still upset!

So we carry the regular trash out at warp speed. Then I leak alcohol remains from the recycling bin all over the house and down the sidewalk (which made me think of a great idea and that would be to take all that excess liquid in the bin and drain it into a shot glass and call it a “dirty Mexican” and make someone DRINK it! Nikki gagged). NOW…she wants to go get the box. We get it and check for snakes by shaking the box and screaming (this works) and then we proceed to scream and prance very fast up the side of the hill, dodging the imagined bed of snakes beneath our feet in the dark.

By the way there are now FIVE snake holes in our front garden. He’s just going to town out there. Harriet fucking Tubman Snake. I hate him.

So basically, we’re screwed. He’s not alone, this is just common sense. Plus Nikki talked to her coworker who is apparently some snake charming reptile expert who said that they are only aggressive during mating season. I ask Nikki, “Well when’s mating season?” she says, “Now.” Ok yesssssssss….this is comforting! Then she says that his EYES were electric flippin blue and cloudy because that means he’s about to shed. Do you know how hard I will gag when I see a snake skin near the house? And mind you it will be about 3 miles long since he’s ginormous. THEN, she said that he told her that when they are getting ready to shed like that, they can generally climb concrete and brick. Hmmmmm…guess what our house is made of! He’s prolly in my bed right now. It’s nice there. So we’re not happy. I’m actually not even being funny here when I say that I am very upset over this snake. We’re convinced he hates us because we stomped, yelled and sprayed him with water. Plus, Nikki said he even called me fat. That is SO rude.

This all started on Monday after I got back from the grocery store, and out of laziness, loaded all my groceries (a la WW) from the car onto the front stoop so I could then transfer them from the stoop to the kitchen without having to open the door 500 times. I do that and THEN, I bend down next to the step to get my Diet Cherry Pepsi (I’m rating this average for right now, it’s nothing compared to Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper) and OMFG!!! Can you guess what I did? Remember what thelauralee does when faced with animal danger (ie: pit bulls). I stood there silently looking at the biggest MF snake I’ve seen outside the zoo in ages. All curled up sunning himself. Blue eyes (that late became ‘piercing’ and ‘electric’ as the story was told by Nikki on the phone when calling for advice on what to do about it besides, “LOCK THE DOORS”.

Then…he sees me. His nasty tongue flicking. I think he told me to go kill someone or steal something, but I’m not sure because I ran into the house flipping out and had to calmly tell Nikki, since this is a girl who will freak out and yell and run up the stairs if I accidentally look behind her with a weird look on my face. I tell her…she comes out to look. That bitch is still chillin. At this point we need to do what Kelly Rippa had phrased with the world that very morning, to Chillax. Chill out. Relax. That wasn’t happening. Then we actually did GARDENING and stayed away from that part of the stoop, but I was checking it every 5 seconds. The next DAY we find 5 snake holes IN the garden where I was pulling up weeding with my bare hands. I’m not kidding you when I say that I would have to spend a week in Crownsville at LEAST if I was bitten by a snake. Year of therapy wouldn’t erase that. And I don’t think I live with someone who would suck out the poison or rip the snake out of my arm. Actually, if I put my arm to her mouth, and move it back and forth and do all the work, then she would consider sucking it. ;)

So yeah…we’re never gardening again. I was walking all over that yard in bare feet. I HAAAAAAAATE snakes. I’m obsessed with it. I thought about it all day and so did she. We talked about it all night. She then asked me if I hated the snake more than {insert name of someone she thinks I hate}. I think and say, “NO”. I ask her, “do you hate the snake more than {insert name of person}. She thinking very quickly and says NO! I hate the snake more. I was stunned! How could this be? She said basically that she didn’t think that person would bite her, but the snake would. Makes sense I guess.

Later yet we were n the deck (and yes I was afraid it was going to get me on the deck) and I asked if she thought he/she was having a lot of snake babies and would our yard be infested with snakes? She said she thought so but wasn’t sure, but that she would ask the Snake man at work, since he knows so much about snakes. Nikki knows a lot about them too, seeing as how her dad fears them and she once watched him squeal and run from the shed with his pants around his ankles b/c he had a snake in them. Again…Crownsville I tell you. I would not recover. So I asked her if snakes had sex. She said YES. I immediately said, “NO THEY DON’T!” and she’s like, “Why’d you ask then?” and I said, “They lay EGGS, there are probably thousands of them under the stoop” She still insists that they do in fact have sex and furthermore I would know more about having sex with snakes then she would. Point taken.

So that brings us to today. I have to work tonight at Curves and imagine it will be dark when I get home and I wont be able to see the stoop. :( That sucks. Hey Nikki, if you pick up some EYE OF NEWT on the way home, maybe we can make snake potions tonight. Or maybe just tacos.

You know, I think this is symbolic or something. I might have a theory brewing as to why there is a snake guarding our house. Maybe it’s a sign…

Songs of the Psyche:
Union of the Snake – Duran Duran
Snake Eyes – ACDC
Slither – Metallica
Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones (how apropos)

*Speaking of snakes (trouser snakes that is). Check out this handy dandy guide for couples on “What’s okay” in the bedroom. You are going to LOVE this. Here is an excerpt that I was especially ‘touched’ by, from the “dirty talking” section:

“…But why not just use the "proper words" someone will ask? Unfortunately the proper words we have to communicate about sex tend to be cold and clinical. Trying to express the emotion and desire of sex with these words is difficult to impossible. Do phrases like, "Please initiate coitus immediately" or "My sexual climax is imminent" communicate the thoughts and feelings as well as a more "colorful" phrase would?”

Uh oh Bloggies…I better go…my sexual climax is imminent!!!