When you get drunk...I'll be the wiiiiiiiine! OH!

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. Mmmm. Art. That's art man. ;) I thought some of you might like a little BJ in the morning! ;) Bon Jovi of course. Whatdyou think I meant? Hmm.

Anyway...Happy TUESDAY! I just love Tuesdays. Not Tuesdays with Morrie or Black Tuesday, but Ruby Tuesday, Love You Til Tuesday, Barely Out of Tuesday, Church on Tuesday (yeah right), Tuesday's Dead...also Tuesday's Gone...ummmmm...Tuesday Morning, Forever Afternoon (Tuesday)!

You get the point. Plus I cant think of anymore Tuesday related song names. If you can guess who sang what, then you are an expert witness on Tuesday. Connoisseur of El Martes, Mardi (in some cases, Mardi Gras), Dienstag and Martedi. I'm trying out my language skills, inspired by Stargate Jumper who is helping me brush up on my French! (errrr not that kind of French)

The purpose of this blog is divided into three.

One, I want to say that I love my friends but many of you are hurting right now. :( Wait a minute...before I continue, can I just say WTF? I mean I dont think I've known so many close people to be so utterly unhappy at one time. What's wrong with us? Ok, rant over. You could say that I know that love and relationships are hard, but that would be an understatement. I think maybe we've gotten to the point where all the hopeful advice is hard to get and hear. I find myself giving oh-so-comforting advice like, "Oh f*ck it, do what makes you happy and if you find out that aint it...do something else. Plus you should cry a lot, throw some things and prolly withdraw form the world for a few days to boot", more often that I should!

"It'll all work out." "Dont worry, time heals all wounds" "Youll meet someone better than {insert name of cause of pain} and you'll be SO happy together because you waited and you're' a good person" "You deserve to be happy...just be patient, have faith" "Hey, everyone goes through this, you're going to be fine in no time." And my favorite (de mi mami), "Hey, at least you're not lying in a pit in Iraq." ;) No matter what, pain is pain and hurtin is just a process and I suppose we all need to just feel it and do the best we can to be happy. We may not always agree with one another on what the route to happiness should be, but I know one thing, we're GD lucky to have each other. I love you guys and you mean the world to me. ALL OF YOUZ! I''ll be there for you dammit! These five...I mean six...words I swear to you! haha ;) I'm serious though, you're great! Its hard to have it all though...we'll just do the best we can. I'm convinced that I was prolly hung over or something that day in heaven when God said (in a squeaky NY bookie dialect), "Ok listen up people! this is the last round of the draft...if you picked "great friends" in the first round, early on, your choosing number will be in the 5,000,000 to 1,000,000,000 range for "true love". So ehhhhh....go ahead and get into line now and ehhh...we're gonna take a few wild cards outta the line and make sure to waltz them right under your nose so you can see them get it all and suffer." ;) Although I might have missed that whole process after I got my best friends in the first round...I think Im learning how it works and hopefully I can beat the system. I'll give ya all my trade secrets as I learn them. Slowly. In time. As my wounds heal. ;) So yeah...all's fair in love and war...and drafts. Also, I don't recall a family draft, but I guess I did ok there too. Team Lee's got a lot of players who spend quite a bit of time on the DL but DAMN if they dont come back with some Larry Bigbie-esque force! Not to mention, damn cute like that too! ;)

Second thing...check out Heather's blog today! It made me SO happy! Pictures! Yes, I am the clown of the hour and I obviously have issues sticking alcoholic beverage labels to my sweaty body, but look no further for proof of point #1, that I have great friends and family! Pictures to proove it! I am so happy you were able to come down HH! I'm even happier that we didn't go to the reunion! ;) Seems we had our own reunion of sorts as you got to meet my new family. Different that the Mago Vista Lee's eh? Beer and music are still staples though as you can see. Anyway-- thanks for taking pics and I had a great time. Check it out peeps!

Issue # 3 is that I love cheese. I don't say this in passing. I intend to tell you why. Cheese deserves a tribute. ;) Last night I was having some cream cheese and I thought, 'MY GOD I love cheese!" All kinds really: havarti, gouda, cheddar, pepper jack, muenster, brie, blue cheese, even gorgonzola (which Erin and I ate one time by itself on a trip to Busch Gardens with the family and my aunt told us we were freaks), cream cheese, american cheese, swiss cheese, mozzarella, parmesan (though not the shaky cheese), nacho cheese (my cheese, nacho cheese), melted cheese (oh wait is this a type?) I'm not a huge fan of feta but only cuz I ate so many Greek Salads one time I got sick...but I'd do it again it if were there or someone dared me. ;) I also like that shitty Laughing Cow cheese at the store that Nikki makes fun of me for buying. It's spreadable! How can you not like this concept?! :) asadero, cotija, queso, linberger, rondele (boursin...whatever), rochbaron, romano, camembert, goat cheese and provolone. I will say this...I dont like smoked mozzarella, or at least the kind from the Italian Market that Nikki bought. That crap tasted like a three alarm fire. I gave it to Dave. Along with Julie's (my Dad's wife) crappy pasta salad she made that one time for the girls' birthday. She made that again at the Christening last Sunday. It was a LOT better, but there were still gobs and gobs of it left over and I snuck out without having to take any home. ANYWAY, I digress...I can even handle (not alone) ricotta cheese in pasta n' stuff. I also like that cheese with stuff in it at the Giant like the horseraddish cheese or sundried tomato cheese. Goooood stuff! :)

I like cheese wheels, cubes, cheese balls, cheese in soup, on carbs of any sort, on meats...I like cheesecake, cheese blintzes, anything cheesy! I'm the cheesiest! I cant honestly think of much I wouldn't have some version of cheese in conjunction with. Try me! Name something! haha In fact I think that they should remake Willy Wonka again, but make it about cheese...where a magical man keeps a cheese making factory. That way when all the chosen children (and hopefully me) get to walk into that "Paradise Room" everything will be made of cheese and there should probably be a cheese river too...call it "Fondue" or something. Also when he has the contest, the winning tickets shouldn't be golden tickets, but cheese tickets...made of cheese!

Ok I've lost my mind. haha That was an extreme Ode to Cheese. It had to be done though...I'm sorry. I probably sound like Bubba in Forrest Gump talking about shrimps. ;) WHICH by the way I could write a whole blog on as well. So as he said about shrimps finally, "Um...ok thats about it." :)

Oh wait, I fee la forth point rising.....yow! I'm leaving for Niagara Falls tomorrow morning at the ass crack of dawn for business. My coworkers have a way of finagling vacations out of business trips. The next one is scheduled for Atlantic City, but ya know what? I've NEVER been and I dont think I want to go with coworkers. No offense Sean...but if I met you in Atlantic City, it would be with friends and you'd be considered one of them as well. So...I have it on good Canadian authority that we're going to have a good time, even though he's been there bazillion times and that we'll do all the dumb tourist stuff like the Maiden of the Mist and go gambling, etc etc and that we can even go to the American side and see how much we Yankees suck in comparison to Canadians. Cant wait. Hope that doesn't cost more than a "purple bill" in Canadian mulah though. ;) So yeah, party-on Wayne...my first trip to Niagara. I will have my lap top so I can obsessively check for your emails and comments. SO HOWZ ABOUT IT SUCKAS???

Have a good Tuesday :) Here are the answers to who sings what (in the order the songs were listed). And yes, you can bitch me out and correct me if I'm wrong. You seem to love doing that when it comes to music, so let it out man, just let it out!

Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Counting Crows, Stone Temple Pilots, Cat Stevens, Metallica, Melissa Etheridge, Moody Blues

ps: Good luck to allllll local bands with shows tonight in the DC area. Whomever you may be... ;)

Can you please remove my erotic nose-brain?

I'm having trouble committing to HP. Yes...we've been together for a long time, and don't get me wrong, it's been a good run, but just recently, I was given the opportunity to rekindle our passion for one another with the release of the 6th chronicle of his life as a adolescent boy at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (adolescent boys are my weak spot...mmmm). But alas...I picked up the book at midnight on the day of it's release in my grandiose nerdiness and then, boom...its like one thing after another this past week and, welp, I haven't even really touched the book. :( I can't seem to do it! Between interviews, emotional luuuuuuv turmoil, family drama, chores, job trauma and the fact that it's been 5000 degrees everyday (this takes a toll on thelauralee) by the time this weekend rolled around, I didn't even have the energy I felt Harry deserved in order to delve in. I'm starting to think its mental. I have a tendency, at times of chaos in my life, to take control over VERY odd aspects and hold out or become very stubborn about them. Its like a form of procrastination retardation. ;) Anyway...I need motivation! You'd think after the 40 phone calls, emails and failed attempts to tell me what happened in the book, I would have gotten moving. For shame.

But the reason I share this minor setback with you is so I can guiltlessly tell you a bit about the book I AM reading sporadically that I found in the bathroom. haha I think its Nikkis. It's called, "Learn to Relax; A Practical Guide to Easing Tension & Conquering Stress". It's interesting! I've just reached a very imperative point (or rather I skipped right to it) regarding passion, relationships and relaxation.

The book says: "Surely passion, with its connotations of turbulence and compulsion, is far from relaxing? But if we build a wall against passion, relaxation is impossible. Scientists have demonstrated that if the amygdala (the biological "seat" of passion) is removed from the brain, we lose our ability to function on any emotional level, preferring to be solitary, than to interact. We become indifferent to the people for whom we once felt love, and uninterested in the activities that once inspired us."

WOW! This really caught my interest! I've read about the wonders of the amygdala and its influence over our most powerful emotions such as love, passion, fear, sadness and the memories associated with those emotions, that even produce physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, heavy breathing, and maybe a little stirring down below the waist (wink wink). Or maybe a LOT. ;) I remember a scene in one of my most favorite movies, "Someone Like You", where Ashley Judd's character Jane Goodall is heart-broken over her recent breakup with Ray (Greg Kinear). She basically goes off the deep end in her thirst for knowledge and emotional self-awareness where love, passion and loss are concerned and in that journey, learns about the amygdala (aka the erotic-nose-brain). The scene shows her in a crowded elevator with Ray (on the way to their office), a few people behind him (after they've broken up) and she kind of slinks up behind him (unbeknownst to him), closes her eyes and inhales his scent. The scene quickly cuts to to her imagining visiting a neurologist, asking to have her amygdala removed ASAP (the part that stores smell memories) because she can't seem to not have an all out break-down that stirs up all her emotions for him, when she smells fresh laundry and sweet vanilla in any combination. haha Who can't relate to THAT?! One little memory will send you off the deep end some days. Takes a long time before you can see something that reminds you of your lost love, and genuinely smile.

So this was just SO interesting to me, I decided to do a little bit of research on the amygdala. Here's some of what I came up with:

The seat of emotion in the human brain is referred to as the amygdala (pronounced a-mig-da-la). It is a small mass near the center of the brain shaped something like a chestnut. It is responsible for our 'base' emotions. By 'base' emotions I mean fear, excitement, passion and so on. However, the complexity of our emotions are not well understood. For instance, fear is a general response; heart rate increases, oxygen consumption increases, beta-endorphins are often released to reduce fatigue and pain - this is called the 'fight-or-flight' response. The body prepares to run or do battle. This response can be triggered by an arousal, such as a 600 pound angry meat eating gorilla foaming at the mouth (rabid) charging to attack you - would probably generate such a response in your body. However, some people experience these symptoms for no apparent reason - we call that a panic attack, and it is a condition that is generated for unknown reasons in the amygdala. We do know, however, that certain traits go along with people who experience panic attacks, or the worse form, general anxiety disorder, which is something like a 6 month long panic attack. These people exhibit a decrease in alpha production in the brain. Alpha waves are medium-slow waves that the brain produces a lot of as you are just falling to sleep. Healthy brains produce a certain amount of alpha waves while you are awake. An uptight brain produces very little. Often, anxiety is treated by 'teaching' a person's brain how to produce alpha waves.

Passion is a basic emotion also seated in the amygdala. Passion is necessary for reproduction. Our DNA just loves to replicate, thus, the amygdala makes boys chase girls and girls taunt boys so that our DNA can carry on. It is, after all, the DNA that lives forever, merely changing its 'body-coat' every generation.

In looking for info on the amygdala I read about another contradicting theory on the explanation of the emotions. Dan Winter of San Graal Multimedia, invented a device called "The Heartlink Interface." Simply put, it's a gizmo that locates your "soul". He did ten years of research to discover that the heart, rather than the brain is the "primary harmonic oscillator" of the body and he found that at the moment when a person feels deep "Compassionate Love," the heart is vibrating or "singing" at a specific harmonic frequency (.618hz). He then created Heartlink to teach you how to locate that frequency in the heart, and to learn how to sustain that vibration or "note" for prolonged periods of time. So, with practice, you can begin to feel oneness emerging from within. (As Penn and Teller say...WHAT THE F*CK?!)

Heartlink can be used by up to two people at a time so lovers can align their hearts in sustained interactive oneness, and it is also "shareable" on the internet (oh thank God...whew), making global interactive meditation possible for the first time. So you can imagine a time in the not too distant future, when millions of these "grok boxes" are in use and hearts around the world will be "singing" in unison, in deep Compassion like a global vibration (bzzzzzzzzzzz!)

So bloggies, the point in all this rambling, other than to actually blog (something ELSE Id been avoiding or putting off) is to share with you some of the neat things I found about how much connectedness (as well as bizarre theories) there really are between the physical and the emotional things we homosapiens experience. Your feelings and emotions can indeed be broken down into physical, scientific explanations, but that doesn't help you much in understanding sometimes, now does it? When it comes down to it though, I think Id rather take the pain in order to have the pleasure too. :) Too many times we wish our experiences and memories away, but look at what a big blob of wasted space you'd be without your amygdala! Hard to imagine a little nubbin in your brain, no bigger than a quarter, can cause alllllll this craziness we call life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Now...on that note...anyone interested in hooking up the old "Heartlink" with thelauralee and feeling some oneness? You know...good, good GOOD, good vibrations!!! I'm talkin 'bout good vibrations! ;)

"Do the right thing."

Spike Lee is just about the ONLY Lee who will tell you that. ;) If you're planning (or not planning for that matter) to do something bad, naughty, irresponsible, indulgent, self-serving, frisky, risky or just flat out stupid, run it by a Lee first and if that particular family member of mine says, "Oh cool!", then you can pretty much assume you're meeting your goal. :)

Let's say for instance you have a huge job interview (or meeting rather) at 10AM in Washington, DC, which during rush hour traffic will take you at least an hour to get there, then find parking on 23rd Street in NW DC. On the eve of said interview you proceed to get sh*t-faced with your best friend and your family. But wait! What's the occasion? Your little twin baby sisters Baptism! What else, of course?! Yes, so this is a key example of where I, a certified Lee, did not, "Do the right thing."

Obviously Heather and I had a great time at the girls' Christening and an even better time at the "after party". I was so happy that Heather got a chance to meet the little sweeties and see how quirky and cute they are, as well as get obliterated as a fitting tribute to their journey into the world of Christianity. How apropos.. haha I told you guys...everything is a party with these people. For those of you who are familiar with the annual early summer brew that Fordham (Ramshead) makes just 9 kegs of and then sells at a rapid rate, mainly to my father, then you will know yesterday was an inportant day, as we drank all three jugs of Meibach that he'd been saving for a "special occasion". This is the stuff I told you about before, that he refuses to let me or anyone drink when visiting. Your welcome into his home always goes a little something like this, "Hi! So glad you're here! Make yourself at home! You're welcome to anything...oh except don't drink my Meibach and don't eat my squid." Check. Check. So he busts out the Meibach in celebration, by pouring Heather a LARGE glass of it, thus beginning her initiation into drunken singing and dancing. And can I just tell you that I'm not entirely sure of its alcohol content, but its in the neighborhood or 9%. This stuff will put you on your ass. Add to that, a buttload of Modelo, Molson Canadian and an ungodly amount of Dos Equis and Kirin Itchibach, and we finally rolled out at around the stroke of Midnight, after I drunkenly stressed two points, First, "I NEED A GD SANDWICH NOW!" and second, "I have an interview at 10Am and this sh*t it s big deal you drunk asses!" Giggles and agreement ensued. All dancing, singing, guitar playing, freestyle rapping and drinking stopped and very involved 'around the kitchen island' eating commenced.

So yeah...I was a bit...um...tired n' stuff this morning when I got up at 6AM to ready myself for the big event. I did find that since I planned to leave at 8AM (for a 10AM interview...I know, a bit insane but I do tend to encounter misfortune from time to time, not to mention its like a bazillion degrees outside and I had to have time to compensate for the extreme sweating I was bound to do in a suit), I found that I had an overage of time. So I tried to get ready slowly (also helps with the sweating). I even ate and went over my papers and did my hair all nice and professionally done up and still had time to lay on the couch and act neurotic with anxiousness for about half an hour. I'm about to walk out the door when, I get a phone call. The woman I was supposed to rendez-vous with is stuck in a New York City Airport. I think that's ironic, because Heather purposefully missed her train last night to stay an extra day (and because they don't let people that trashed get on trains) ;). So I've got one New Yorker here with me, but not the one who will award me the job! Bummer. (But I aint got nuttin but love for ya HH)

I'm so disappointed. :( Its not a big deal, and chances are that I should have stayed home and slept this one off anyway, but I was hoping to get an offer today. So Im sitting here in my suit (which is tight and Im pissed about that) and I decided to blog a lil just to let you all know, since I got a lot of sweet requests for phone calls directly after the interview was over. But I think Im going to climb back in bed with HH and go back to sleep. :( Thanks for all the well-wishings (and even the good luck calls this morning!). I was really hoping to have some big news for you today, but such is life.

You might recall that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry seems to think he's "Even Steven". Whatever mishap, trauma or misfortune he encountered, he'd quickly have something happen to return to homeostasis and restore what he'd lost, making him even. "I throw $20 out the window...I find $20 on the street later! I'm Even Steven!" Even Steven Jerry (and on many an occasion, "Bizarro Jerry") are kind of how I'm feeling right about now. I have a hang-over; my interview is cancelled. I plan to leave at 8AM but spend some time screwing off instead; her secretary catches me before I'm on my way into DC. I suppose being even isn't quite the worst thing in the world. :)

I'll let you know if anything progresses here...besides Book 6 of HP ;) I mean with the interview of course...

I'll try and get some pictures from yesterday up. The girls were SO flippin cute and really squirrelly too. Heather took a lot of pictures as well as video. All in all, I think she had a good time. ;) We'll just have to wait for her blog find out. I will say this...she at one point got a peak into the extreme insanity that is "The Lee's" when my father was telling a story where he was a scuba diving pirate, and proceeded to put on pirate costume accessories and squint his eye and say, "Arrrrrrrrrr matey!" a lot. She even captured in on film. Im so proud. ;) I was especially touched when she leaned over during the show and whispered to me, "OMG this is totally where you get it."

GET WHAT??? I don't act like that! errrr....umm...right?

Alohomora!!!

Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong... (stay with me here)
...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong!!!

No, that's not my TO DO list ;) It tis the joyous sound that filled our ears last night as we handed over 80 bones to the University of Maryland Bookstore at the stroke of midnight! Four copies of HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE, are indeed in our possession. :)

Let me preface this entry by saying that it WAS exciting to be there, for Harry Potter Midnight Madness, but it was a bit unnerving to see the level of "madness" people really did display. Many of those people in line for books will remain virgins for eternity. I wish I had the pictures we took, and I wish even more that you could have been there to see this circus. All the three of us needed to do was share a brief glance with one another to convey the simple thought, "OMG, look at that freak over there with the gigantic wand and elf ears!!!" haha

At one point, we saw a very somber young man wearing a crushed purple velvet hooded cloak (hood over his head of course...I mean what do you expect? We were in the Student Union where one needs head cover!) Some of you might not get this little bit here, if you don't read the HPs books, but I leaned over and said, "I just wanted to let you know, ummm, your invisibility cloak isn't working. I can see you." haha Later on, Erin and I thought that would have been more entertaining if it has started with me actually bumping into the guy and saying, "oh whoops, sorry, I didn't see you with that bitchin invisibility cloak on." BUT it would only be complete, if we didn't look directly at his face when we said it, just to the side, so that it gave the impression, we really couldn't see him." So yeah...there were lots of Gryffindor scarves, a few Dobbys, a Trelawney (though its possible that very ornate outfit was her daily wear...she looked a bit "arty"), lots of foreheads with lightening bolts drawn on them and last but not least, lots of little black circular lensed glasses. Oculous Reparo! :) It was hard not to get into character with them. I did at one point decide that Im going to have to get my hands on some wooden drumsticks, a piece of sand paper and some stain and a feather from the tail of a Phoenix. I've got an idea for a good wand brewing here...who wants one?! :)

Anyway, its gooooooood y'all. ;) TITillating really. I don't want to tease those of you who haven't gotten it yet, but hey, its good shit is all Im sayin and Im a lucky beeyatch to have it in my grubby little mits right now. I had a good time last night, being all "hyper excited" and nerdy enough to wait in a line at midnight. Though, I don't know how well it went over when, as soon as they handed me my copy, I held it up and said, "I GOT ONE!!! Woooooooo! Great Odin's Raven! I've finally got one! Oh joyous Harry Potter my love child! I am in a glass case of emotion!", opened the novel and inhaled its freshly published aroma; then rubbed it between my legs moaning before sitting down right in the middle of the auditorium to start reading it and exclaiming with random bursts of excitement at the glorious text...

But hey, at least I wasn't wearing a freaking invisibility cloak.

Songs of the Day:
Magic - The Cars
Magic Man - Heart
Pinball Wizard - Elton John (from Tommy)
People are Strange - The Doors

ps: Alohomora! is: The unlocking charm, used to make a locked object unlocked (though this is basic HP material people and I feel that you all should know this by now...really...come on.) For other spells, check THIS out.

pps: I borrowed a few "emotional quotes" from Ron Burgundy. See here.
I couldn't really find a way to work in: "Whats that Baxter? You know I don't speak Spanish. What? You pooped in the refridgerator? And you ate an entire wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, I'm Impressed." ;)

Ya up for a Quickie?

Just a few items that I need to share with you, my horny readers...

1) By reading all the comments on our blogs today (eh-hem Heather and Lindsay) you would think we had been incarcerated for the last 10 years without a conjugal visit! What is going on?! Fun though. ;)

2) I'm straight. Whatever you read on their blogs or mine, this basic principle still applies. I dont like the taco.

3) Tomorrow is Severna Park High School's 10 year reunion, Class of 1995 (that would be me). I've successfully talked HH out of going. I feel a little bad about that :( but...wait a minute...ok, I'm over it...I got over it just then. ;) I just dont wanna spend $65 for A ticket (as in one, as in, NO DATE) to go and tell my sad story 45 times to a bunch of people who know the players, but just dont give a crap and who are amicably tolerating my voice and feigning interest while they think of the ridiculously overblown BS thing they are going to say next. Also I dont want to see anyone Ive slept with. hah, kidding. I just dont have a lot to say and the whole, "create a big bodacious lie for fun" plan is lacking appeal at this point. I'd just rather party at my house. besides, I pretty much keep in touch with all of you anyway! So I hope you all got the email I sent out inviting you to my house, if not, theres a technical difficulty, let me know. Hopefully we can work it out, so stay tuned to your email (and I know most of you read, even if you dont comment you FOOLS) and we'll pull something together. Just in 5 minutes alone, I got responses from most people, plus some suggestions for a couple of people I left off and have since then heard from them (like Jess! yey!) Heather C is probably going to stop by with her baby so we can all see what angels look like ;) Anyway...I'll be in touch. To those of you who ARE going to the reunion, bring back gossip please and tell me how ugly and unsuccessful everyone one is. j/k Oh, and who's now a woman (who was previously a man). Or vice versa. haha Ok, that's it. Oh no wait...also could one of you pick up my English Journals from senior year? And Kevin's? He seems to think that were actually getting them back at the reunion and is bugging the crap out of me about it, which I think is ridiculous. But if they are there, snag em pretty please? Someone? Im not really geared up to read them, seeing as how I projected where I wanted to be in 10 years and I dont recall writing, "marrying the guy sitting next to me, growing apart, getting a divorce and skipping the reunion because I feel like a loser." I may have written that, but I dont think so. ;) HH is taking the train down tomorrow and will be here at 9pm. If anyone wants to chill, as Blondie says, "CALL ME!!!"

4) Im taking off tomorrow and Monday. Monday at 10am is my 4th big thingy. Pray for me. Five times a day. Facing Mecca. ok? Thanks :)

5) The girls are being christened on Sunday and Erin and I are Godmothers. I'm happy about that. Ok thats all I got there. Oh except look at this...isnt it cute?

Their first pony ride :) And no I dont know who that skinny bitch with the walkman is. Shes not related to me. Im sure of it.

6) Lastly I just want to tell Lindsay that I love her and Im thinking of her. She's going through something hard that I think all of us at one point or another have unfortunately experienced. When you love and/or care about someone and they dont reciprocate, it hurts like hell. You can't make someone with even half a heart or a brain love you or care about you, but if you're someone like Lindsay, you don't have to. It's effortless to love you Lindsay. You're one of the greatest people walking this planet and I'm proud of you for holding out for someone who is worthy of you and will love you HALF as much as we do...like I said...Effortlessly. I know what youre going through...hell...sometimes it hurts like hell even when the person does love you back, but just can give you what you need and want. I can tell you one thing though Linz, the only person lacking in that relationship was him. We can all do more to better ourselves, but you are a one hell of a package girl. I feel sorry for him (almost) that he's so inept. Remember that whats good for the goose isnt necessarily good for the gander. I have no idea what that means, I just wanted to say it. ;) Actually, keep in mind what I said the other night about being able to influence the problems someone else has with intimacy, security and relationships. Its a losing battle sometimes. You got to the decision making point and made an adult decision to respect yourself. Let it flow, let it go. In time, you will meet your lobster. I might try and make you think its me, but try to resist. Try hard Little Lou. ;)

Ok friends and lovers (and past lovers...and future lovers!) I'm off to pretend like Im working. Ugh...its such a task (sigh).

Luv,
me lee

Very Pertinent Songs of the Day:
Separate Ways - Journey
Let it Flow - Toni Braxton
Take a Bow - Madonna
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five (give me my money back, you bitch...and my black tee shirt!!)

What Color Was John Brown's Gray Horse?

RANT ALERT!!! Neeee Naaaaw! Neee Naaaaw! <--siren

I'm working at Curves tonight, as I feel I do every night of my life, and I just had to interrupt your regularly scheduled program to comment on the level of intelligence in "this neighborhood". I apologize in advance to those who live in it or in the surrounding areas or grew up here...of COURSE I dont mean YOU. (heh)

So Curves is running this "Summer Workout Tournament" and there are about ohh...I dunno...about 22 teams of 4 women a piece. The object of the tournament is complex indeed. In fact, I'm surprised it's not an Olympic Event. Really. Each lady is awarded one sticker per workout to put on her little tally sheet on the wall (of various feminine and eye piercing colors). Additionally, she can earn another stick by either answering a "Curves Trivia Question" or completing one of two feats of strength and endurance: Hula hoop for 30 seconds, or get Yahtzee with 5 pink fuzzy dice the size of grapefruits, with a dirty black trashcan as 'the shaker'. The team with the most stickers at the end of the tournament wins, "a special mystery prize".

I am so over this game. I thought originally, "How is a stupid 'mystery prize' supposed to motivate them to do anything? And what purpose does this serve towards womankind?" Well low and behold, you'd think they were giving away a Pink freaking Cadillac with the way these wolves, whoops I mean women, are vying for stickers! They're insane! I swear I must get stopped during my workout (or blogging) 50 times to get someone a sticker the size of a lemon seed, that they are subsequently crapping their pants over. And I hear them talking shit about each other too! (ie: Hey! She got two!! I only got one! She didnt even DO anything! She's cheating is what it is.) Amazing.

Ok...cuttin to the chase here, before someone needs another sticker...I think a lot of the members are finding the Hula-hoop feat and the Yahtzee challenge a bit difficult ("oh ma gawd that is like sooooo hard!") and so they've figured out that if I'm working, and they ask for a trivia question, I'll probably say, "Yup. Heres your sticker beeeyatch!" for whatever answer they give. But wait, there is a reason for this not-so-random act of kindness! They are NOT SMART and I dont have the heart (or courage!) to break it to them..."Babe, youre stupid.".

Case in point...here's my favorite question to ask:
Me {unimpressed}: Which muscles are you working when you're using the Oblique Machine?
Member: errrrrr...{confused look} huh?
Me: {slower} Whaaaat muuuuuscles aaarrrree wooooorked on the OB-LEEK MAH-SHEEN?
Member: Ummmm...your legs? {timid look}
Me: on the OBLIQUE MACHINE. Oblique.
Member: the uhhhhh....le...{verbal pause looking for help}
Me {giving a hint}: Ooooooooooooo...
Member {copying me}: Oooooooooo.....
Member and I {same time, her one beat behind me}: Oooo-Bleeeeks!
Member {excited}: Obliques! Obliques! Where's my sticker?
Me: Up your ass.

Just kiddin, I dont say up your ass, I stick in on their WT manicured Glen Burnie fingernail (with small jewel super-glued to her index finger of course) and go about my business while they jump up and down, chastise other members and basically and act 8 years old. Now, I'm not trying to be a kill-joy here, but WTF? Would it be easier if I just asked them who's buried in Grant's tomb?!

So What Color IS John Brown's, Gray Horse, bloggies? If you said brown, in the words of Donald Trump, YOURE FIRED! haha I'm anxious to see who wins the mystery prize. Beware soccer moms! Watch your back if you win! These broads mean business! hehe

On that note, I will say that maybe I'm just all Curved out. This week alone, I was actually hit in the back of the head with the Hula-hoop while picking up the fuzzy pink Yahtzee dice (owww! this actually hurts!) and while moving the butt machine (yes, Lisa, I know, it's called the Glute Machine), I smacked my shin on the big steel bar that you push backwards with your foot! I have a knot the size of a tangerine on my shin and its black n blue already. :( Thats sexy. I was gonna go get manis and pedis with my sister on Friday and I'm sure those little Asians will be happy to see my bruised legs again. HOT! Me love you longtime!

Ok...I better go, there is a naked cat fight going on in the back over the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" puffy sticker. It's the "Big One"! It is coveted by all. ;) I have to brave my safety yet again, while my coworker cleans furiously to avoid the Tri-Idiot Tournament. Shes' a cleaning fool!!!

So...this one's for you J (cleanin fool)...it's her favorite...

Song of the Evening:
YMCA - The Village People

We got the Y, the C and the A down, and one of these days shes gonna learn that M! B'lieve hon! ;)

ps: oh, I forgot to mention that I got that 4th call I was waiting for! Im meeting with them on Monday to "talk turkey"! Big changes on the horizon for thelauralee! Party might be on me next week....I'm DC bound. Goodbye Balamer, Merlin, youz were good ta me fer 5 years hon. Time ta moove on downna road.

pps: the other question I like to ask them is: What muscles are used on the bicep and tricep machine? Again...blank looks. Its ok...not everyone can be as smart as meeeee! ;)

Thats what I wanna know!

What's wrong with me Doc?

{gulp} Oh Kermie! :(

Good Times.

There. I blogged.

ps: 4 days til Harry Potter, nerds! Erin has commandeered 3 copies for Heather, Erin and I to pick up at the "Harry Potter Midnight Madness" event at the University of Maryland Bookstore, scheduled for 12AM Saturday morning. Yey for us. She seems to think she ACTUALLY reserved the copies by using her new homemade wand to cast a spell (which for all intents and purposes, will from this point forward be called, “Masterpieceos Reservo!”) BUT, she called the bookstore this morning to reserve them, "just in case". So we’re safe ;) Good lookin out for us, lil Beaner Sprout.

pps: oh and in case you didnt pick up on that...BaileyJuice is taking the train down Fridizzay. Woohoo!

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he ! said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.. ""Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who had pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm just an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole.

(Gary)
B**ch

(Rebecca)
F___ YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - Bimbo

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one!

8 Days to Happiness

...8 days until the release of J.K. Rowlings 6th masterpiece, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

I cannot tell you how excited I am. wow. I cant wait. Someone calm me down. Please. I beg you.

In reality, I realized today that really this is all Im looking forward to in my immediate future. Though I am not quite as geekafied as I was when The Order of the Phoenix came out a few summers ago, this is one thing that I can lose myself in every time. I wouldn't mind getting lost for a while in something that makes me happy and permeates my brain for days on end. That's how these books are. If you haven't read them, I urge you to give it a whirl...its not joining the masses, its an experience that you're missing out on. Not to mention an entirely new language full of fun to say words! Check it out fans! (click on HP Pronunciation Guide on left bar).

I got a very excited email from Kevin a couple days ago titled "10 Days! Woo hoo!". I'd been so wrapped up in myself, I'd forgotten. I've pushed so much down, and sadly, HP was one of those things! His email and enthusiasm, in light of this year, made me miss him, as that was something we celebrated together with utterly open nerdiness. Two copies would arrive on the day it came out and he was insanely overzealous in tracking the prepaid order from Amazon. I knew when I got home there would be two copies (he wasn't feeling the whole 'sharing thing') for us to get started on that night. It was the one thing he made time for, made arrangements for. It took me what felt like centuries to even get him to pick up The Sorcerers Stone, but once he did, from that point forward, we shared an alarming case of Harry-mania.

Because Im a much slower reader and didn't have the time or energy to stay up all hours of the night reading, we often found that we would have to separate for days at a time as to not ruin it for one another. If I wasn't reading and he was, Id hear noises from the other room...gasps, girlish squeals, and the occasional, "Oh my gawd, no WAY!" which would make me run into the room and beg, "What?!" and he would change his entire demeanor to unimpressed, and say, "Nothing...I cant tell you. I'm sorry." haha Tease! Of course I'd have killed him if he'd told me and ruined it, but I'd still ask. When I was reading and he wasn't (mainly due to the fact he was finished), he would hear my reactions from upstairs and would run to the top of the stairs and yell, "What part are you on?!" and I would tell him. Every time, it was met with, "Ohhhhh...hmmm. Keep reeeeeading!!!" in this sing-songy taunt telling me that I was about to hit a major shocker. That just the thing with the Harry Potter books...there's always a shocker in every chapter. These books are page turners. Every one of them.

So get ready everyone to see the image above, everywhere you go; grocery stores, doctors offices, pools, camps, offices, restaurants, etc. You're going to see people with their noses buried in the Half-Blood Prince (that sounded weird eh?). Undoubtedly...if you stick around, you're bound to hear a few inflections..."Whoooaaaaaaa..." Some will snap back into reality, some will not. Hopefully I won't.

So count me in as one of the "unreachables" come July 16th (that's 8 days from now, if you werent picking up on the whole "title thing"). After that weekend though, I will have to come back into my real life where I do NOT, in fact have magical powers; I'm not an honour witch at Hogwarts; I dont play Quidditch for Griffindor; Harry, Hermione and Ron are NOT my best friends, but thankfully...I dont live with the Dursleys and it's ok that I don't know the Expecto Patronum spell to keep the Dementors out of my bedroom. whew...

As for my current stupor you're all in objection to: Though it will be hard, I will try and stay up on the blogging, friends. That'll be my contribution to society in lieu of answering the phone, the door or your emails. Ha. Try to love me anyway?

NERD ALERT!

Whew...



...but then again maybe not all that cool either.

Thanks John. You nerd. :)

The Windtalker

Read the following paragraph in a dramatic voice. Annnnnnnnnnd, go.

There are two things that a person can do in the face of evil; overcome it, or join it. This blog is inspired by true events where a genuine hero (played by thelauralee) faces such a challenge. For the last 5 years, she has experienced horrors of humanity in the face of professional competition. Make no mistake, gossip wears a human face. It's just not humane. Those who seek to convey their pleas for help, their successes, their failures and the dangers that lie ahead...must be windtalkers.

Sooooooooooo....how am I gonna do this? Well you read between the lines. Ok?

I am SO happy!!! I had a third something today with an important somebody and it couldn't have gone better! It was at 3pm and I hadn't really prepared as much as I would have liked and I got caught up in some other issues and forgot completely until my phone rang at 3pm on the dot as scheduled. I was a bit freaked out that I was going to have to fly by the seat of my pants, but the reality of the situation is that when something is right...when you find a good fit, all you have to do is be honest, relax and have confidence that you have the ability to be a successes at whatever you're doing. That's not always easy to do, but I pulled it off with ease. She was also very soothing and encouraging. At the end she said it was the quickest and best hour of her day. :)

First of all "she", who will remain nameless, was AWESOME. I adore her and if I do get the golden egg here, I will be so excited to establish that particular relationship with her and her entire organization. She earned my admiration and respect right away. I was completely at ease and everything just flowed. I think because I didn't have time to get myself all jacked up, and just had to be calm and professional on the spot, it was actually calming and I snapped right into my element. I hadn't been like that in YEARS. I think this opportunity is SO perfect for me, from what I've learned about it from multiple people, including her, and from researching the organization and responsibilities and benefits.

I may be getting way ahead of myself, but I feel very confident that I may have found my professional fit. She went on an on about the prospects that are available to the candidate chosen and made huge implications that I would be the one to reap those benefits. I will hear from her within the week about the 4th Oracle, which will be in person, in DC. Let me just tell you all right this minute that we are celebrating in DC in a serious way baby and its best if it happens that very evening because that means I'm in like flint. She said if there's a 4th, then its more of an orientation than an interview. It's meeting the client and making sure you mesh. Everyone likes me! I'm golden! (I hope...maybe...we'll see...)

Wish I could say more, but my current situation prevents me from anything but cryptic news flashes. Armed assassins, gossips, saboteurs and back stabbers are perched all around...it's a crucial time...I will get back to you on this issue ASAP. I will give you a signal when it's time to pow wow on this again..."The crow flies at midnight...cacaw!"

Yey for me! I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa-oh! And don't it feel good?! I know you are all so proud of me! Click here to see Lindsay endorse me on this opportunity: LINDSAY RULES!

Later Private I's ;)

ps: I suppose I should put something educational in this blog. Here's an article on Windtalking. Happy?

Ooo, You Make Me Live!

Ooo, you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live



You're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know that my feelings are true
I really love you!
You're my best friend



Ooo, you make me live
I've been wandering round
But I still came back to you
In rain or shine you've stood by me girl
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend



Ooo, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live



You're the first one when things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend



Ooo, you make me live
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
You, you're my best friend!

As promised...those were some of the pix from our NYC trip. Thanks girls, we had a fabulous time. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. Whether its laughing, crying, singing, or making fun of other people unmercifully...times together are the best moments of my life. Thank you. :)

In honor of our Friday night in NYC (which thankfully we do not have photographic evidence of) and our ongoing quest to find the best bands God ever graced this spec of a planet with...I pay tribute to Queen. They are in fact one of the greatest bands of all time...

Our Songs: Dont Stop Me Now, Somebody To Love, Fat Bottomed Girls ;) , Under Pressure, You're My Best Friend, Play the Game, The Show Must Go On, Save Me, I Want To Break Free!

Are you gettin' it? YES, Armaggedon it!

DEF LEPPARD (n' Bryan Adams)
Rock n' Roll Double Header!
Ripken Stadium, Aberdeen, Maryland
Friday July 8, 2005 @ 6:30PM

Wanna be my date? I wanna goew hon.

SPF 100 Gazillion!

Disturbing...I know.

I'm posting this as a reminder to my baby sister that if she sits out in the sun any longer, she will either turn into a nice Prada bag or the INS ('scuze me, OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY) is gonna come and get her dark ass. Brown girls, brown girls, whatcha gonna doooo? Whatcha gonna doo when they come for yoooooou?

Now that I've solicited my warning to the little Raisinette, I will be a huge hypocrite and say...we had a great day at the beach today! haha :) I just love the beach...I could spend hours and hours there and never leave (until I feel like I want to eat my own head cuz Im so hungry). I suppose Im not the only one who feels that way about the oshun hon, eh? Given the fact there was NO VACANCY on the entire East Coast on 4th of July weekend n' all ;)

Thanks to Lindsay and Colleen for another wonderful day, good company, great tolerance, many laughs and some expressive Careokee. ;)

Thank you Madonna for your Emaculate Collection. :) * see: Careokee

Thank you SPF for keeping me less crispy than you did last weekend...but maybe kick it up a notch next time for Capt'n Red Foot (Lindsay) whose calves and feet look like Sebastian from The Little Mermaid (this is a lobster for those of you who are Disney impaired).

Thank you to sexy Ruskie waiter, Robert and Crabby Dicks for feeding three hungry ass bitches. ;)

Ill leave you all with this image (that Colleen will have haunting her memory forever):

thelauralee (das me), leaving to go to the porta potty back at the beach entrance (a good many yards from our claimed beach real estate today), and coming back at full speed, barreling down the path and sand dune like a mad woman, hopping like a GIANT mad cricket, in her bathing suit (yikes) and a baby blue bandana on her head like a Cuban stowaway, passing her blanket, chairs and friends, pushing small children out of the way, all the way to the surf, to put her sizzling feet in the water.

GD, sand is HOT!!!! I'm sure that was attractive Leen...I hope you cherish that image forever. You're welcome. ;)

Happy Birthday Amuuurrica!

Peace Out.

Another Friday Night And I Aint Got Nobody...

...I got some money cuz I just got paid! How I wish I had some jerk to talk to...I'm in an awful way. errrrrrr....

Ok so its supposed to be "Saturday" but I changed it a little because I am fresh out of catchy Fridayisms. ;) Let me tell you why I am online tonight at the lovely hour of 11pm. As you know, because Ive been whining about it, I dont have any concrete plans this weekend. Some of this is circumstantial, and some of it is actually by personal choice. I have just been running so much for months that I've yet to have a weekend where I have a clean schedule. This hub-bub often leads to stressful weeks with weird makeshift outfits and bizarre meal concoctions, mainly due to the fact that I've not really done my laundry or grocery shopped in ages. I am however lucky enough to have called BG&E at the 11th hour a week ago and paid our electric bill, so God bless BG&E for the power it has so graciously bestowed upon our home (for only $300).

SO...I am staying in tonight. Nikki had a date with her little man-friend, and so I came home from work around 6pm, met my sister at my house so she could borrow a bunch of crap from me to go to the beach with and then Nikki and I had the BEST dinner from Taco Hell. Now regularly, I would have felt terrible for eating this doody food, but I was good all week (starting Tuesday--hah) and especially today, and let me just tell you it was sooooooooooooo worth it! Holy Crap! (and I mean it) The new Crunchstada or Crunchwrap or whatever the hell its called is SO F-in good. I mean its almost real food (if you click on that link above, stay away from the nutritional information...its frightening). We both ate the HELL out of that thing though. Mmmmmm...so tonight started off with a mucho grande bang! Then I helped Nikki get all dolled up and she looked really pretty. :) They went out and I sat on the couch channel surfing. I realized that for the first time in MONTHS, I was sitting on my couch on a Friday night, with no plans and total solitude and I was really CALM and content. Ahhhhh...

Five minutes later I was ansty. haha So I decided to watch the new season of 6 Feet Under, but thats not enough activity for me. I need to be doing a few different things (or people) at once to even be comfortable. ;) So, I thought, "What would I do if I could do anything I wanted to do right now thats lazy and unproductive but satisfying?" And the answer came to me instantly. Play Sweet Tooth on www.pogo.com. This is by far the most brainless yet entertaining game for me. I could mindlessly play this for hours, listening to Sirius Radio (80's and 90's Rock of course) and be as happy as a pig on a spit...errrrr..ummm...well happy! BUT (and its a big one) my laptop was broken (sigh). :( No games for Laura. Then it occurred to me that a number of smart people who know Im not that smart recommended that I reinstall my drivers, due to a number of issues Id had with spyware, a bad virus, and one bad night where I went through and deleted as many rogue programs I could identify; which in my brilliant PC repair expertise happened to include the deletion of two major utilities and drivers...thereby making my computer not even boot up without a giant IM SO MAD AT YOU FOR THAT banner popping up on the screen and shuttin thelauralee down. boo hoo. So Id spoken with a few people who'd told me that it might just be a good idea to reinstall with the CD that should have been provided by Toshiba thereby crashing my hard drive. Anyway, long boring story short, I just havent had the time to try to get in there and fiddle around with it. Im not terribly computer savvy, and I wanted to avoid any sort of tantrum, so I hadnt done it. Well tonight was as good a time as any, cuz in in the words of Styx, I've got tooooooo much time on my hands (and its ticking away with my sanity...t-t-t-t-t-too much time on my hands, t-t-t-t-t-t...)

This is the climax here (get ready): Get this bloggies...All I did was put the damn CD in, follow the directions, choose to backup my existing hard drive and reinstall. It did everything for me. NOW GUESS WHO IS SITTING AT HER $1500 LAPTOP TYPING UP A LITTLE BLOG SNACK FOR YOU RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE?! Yep! Meeeeeeeee! Yey!

I cannot tell you how self satisfied I feel about this. Not to mention-- we finally have freakin INTERNET in our home. Jeez! Welcome to this century! I luv it. :) This time I do believe Im going to get the proper internet provider and update all my virus protection and spyware before it becomes a problem. Always use protection, people. ;) As my grandmother used to say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." That Taco Bell I ate is probably worth a pound of fat that will be on my ass by 5am, but did I tell you how good that thing was? Mmmmm crunchy!

Ok...Im off to play Sweet Tooth. I think also I might work on my tennisandals per Tom's Homemade Sandal Challenge I promised to participate in. Dont tell my competitors, but I'm cooking up something thats going to involve an old crusty pair of Keds slip ons, some green, red and white paint, some firecrackers and possibly some nacho cheese. You see, I want my secret sandals to be like Sandal Rockets with the firecrackers (or we might just have to make it sparklers since Im a total pu55y). The theme? Mexican, naturally. The colors...obvious. The firecrackers...a staple among bored, unemployed, drunk, Mexicans (and according to my sources, Glen Burnians too), and the nacho cheese is just to complete the trifecta. Unmistakably Mexican. Ill come up with a better name too, dont worry. NOW...I promise to make these sandals and take plenty of pictures and hopefully my current shade of brown skin will just add to the image for y'all. Areeba!

Otay Buckwheat...Im out like a light. I might go to bed early too! Yippee...Im such a nerd. I think I might head to the beach with Linz and Leen this weekend afterall so I must bask in Sweet Tooth until my eyes are bleeding! Now thats relaxation baby! ;)

Have a Happy 4th of July everyone! Dont blow any appendages off with M-80s. I'm assuming youll need them all for your busy social lives. ;)

Top 20 Things You Should NOT Do During A Job Interview

20- Ask to take a bathroom break and say, "Puleeeze! It's #2!"
19 - Make fun of pictures of the interviewer's kids...call the girls "he" and the boys "she".
18 - Ask if the Holiday party is open bar...and then knowingly say, "But I mean REALLY open bar".
17- Call your interviewer "Mr. Dumbass" when his last name is Dumass (pronounced: doo moss)(have you seen that commercial? heh)
16 - Masturbate because it helps you to relax when you are stressed. It can wait.
15 - Ask if they ever press charges.
14 - Ask them if the office you would have if awarded this position has a door. When they say yes, say"Does it have a lock?"
13 - Ask the interviewer on your way out, "So, like, do you have any 'odd jobs' or anything I can do around here for some cash in the meantime?" and wink knowingly.
12 - Tell them you're ravenous and ask if they have a lil piece of cheese or something for you to snack on, exclaiming, "whew..I feel light-headed!"
11 - Say, "I'm bored of this conversation."
10 - Look at the phone and say "Cooooooool speaker phone!!! Neat-O!"
9 - Tell them that the reason you left your old job was because you were porking your boss...and that got old.
8- Ask "Let me make sure I get this straight; You like your employees to where their pants at ALL times right? That's part of your "so called" dress code?"
7 - Tell them you are certified in CPR and like to try it out every now and then to make sure you can still do it, but like...as a surprise or something so it's "more real".
6 - Tell them you need an hour off every Monday to visit your psychiatrist and then whisper, "Shock therapy."
5 - Constantly refer to yourself in plural, ie. "we'd love this job because...", "we feel qualified for this position because..."
4 - Mention that the stars told you to interview for this job--that you read it in your charts and then ask what sign the interviewer is. When he/she answers, quickly say, "Oh Dear God." with a terrified look of disdain on your face.
3 - Shart (This is two words combined. They are bodily functions.)
2 - Ask if they participate in Casual-sex Fridays
AND
1 - Ask, "Hey if me and a gay, handicapped, black woman both interview, is she gonna get the job?"

...just so you know. ;)

This is my second blog of the day. I'm giving a shout-out to the Dowd-man for a superbly funny blog today on what makes a good Rock n Roll Band 101, though I'm suggesting he makes it 'Hard Rock', not Rock n' Roll..but it's not my blog, and its perfect the way it is so...get to it folks! Click! Funneeee and insightful. I'm inspired. Tonight...I'm gonna drive fast, drink, take drugs and fuuuuuuuuuuu...mble around in my purse for my keys. ;)

Secondly, Nikki blogged! THREE TIMES! Holy Moses! Its good too! Check it out. Click! It made many an insane person laugh...so I hear. ;) I look like a freakazoid in the face-mask pictures, but hey, that's me. Please love me. :-/

Lastly, to any of those who have called me in the last 4-5 days and not gotten my voicemail but an aggressively bitchy Cingular computer woman voice telling you to go pound sand...that I MAY or MAY NOT be vacationing in the Canary Islands, I'm sorry, it's simply not true. It was a malfuntion. I got tired of everyone bitching at me and accusing me of avoiding their calls (which Evvvvvvvvveryone knows I DONT DO, riiiight?) and called Suckular and turns out it was their problem. On that note...anyone who has Cingular in the MD, DC, VA, DE area, I'm letting you know that Cingular has been having "major problems with wireless service resulting in busy signals and failure to connect calls" since June 27th. So I slapped em around and threatened to take my business to Verizon, and the guy on the phone freaked out like David Spade in the Capital One commercials, "Noooooooooo!" when the dissatisfied customer says hes taking his business to another company. So yeah... I nipped that in the bud for all of my people in the DelMarVa community. No thank you is necessary--and DEFINITELY, don't go out of your way to invite me to DO anything on the 4th of July or anything because you feel bad for me that I dont have plans. Ok? I would never expect THAT. That Cingular thing...that one was a freebie. ;) Anyway-- its all worked out I think. (so they say) So you can call me now...really...you can. Call me. Now.

Ok, seeing as how everyone I know has a date tonight with their loving husband or boyfriend or playmate and it's Friiiiiiiday and I aint got shit to do, I might stay late tonight and work on that blog about NYC some more. MAYBE. Sorry...I know you can barely get through your days having not seen it yet...but I try.

Luv,
Loserbaby
(as in..."Sarrrrammeeecannnnadawwww, I'm a loser-baby, so why don't you kill me?!" What IS Beck saying in that song???)

Songs: (good ones...cept for Beck)
She Talks to Angels - Black Crows
A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Don McLean
When Will I Be Loved - Everly Brothers
Loser - Beck

You gotta know when to hold ’em...

...know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to beat the crap out of the camera man...

OMG!!! Why are you assaulting Yul Brynner?! Yikes. At least that camera didnt squirt water in his face (see recent Tom Cruise prank). Word has it that Texas Ranger's boxer, KennyRogers' publicist couldnt be reached for comment, but the reporters present (who were not at this point terrified of getting a Creatin' Creamin) were able to catch Rogers in the dug-out, right after he punched that cooler for looking cheeky. Upon being asked WHY he went into attack mode on that poor little Mexican cameraman, Larry Rodriguez, he said:

"Son, I've made a life out of beatin' people's faces, And knowin' what their problems were by the way they held their cameras."

Sources present for that quote said he sung it in a southern twangy accent and was asking where Dolly Parton was, which was befuddling to the already terrified standersby. ;)

Check out full article here: Beat me Kenny. Harder, you p*ssy!

What is going on in baseball anymore? Maybe the sports world feels the need to compensate for the lack of hockey fights this year and just burst out into a good scrap randomly, satisfying the sadistic urges of the average fan (or Canadian). There are so many interesting things about that article but here are my favorites:

*Rogers shoved two cameramen before the Rangers' game against the Los Angeles Angels on Wednesday in a videotaped tirade that included throwing a camera to the ground, kicking it and threatening to break more.

More WHAT? "You camera guys better f*ck off or I'm gonna break more!" HULK SMASHHHHH!!! I dunno about you, but I personally like to receive all threats in a specific and articulate manner. You suck Kenny. God bless the brave man who mutters under his breath at this point, "Like what?" Later in the article, it was reported Rogers said, "I'll break every ... one of them," in reference to the...ughhhh..cameras??? yeah, cameras.

*Because the incident occurred on the field, MLB has jurisdiction. A decision on possible discipline is expected Friday, Texas owner Tom Hicks said. "At this point there's nothing the Texas Rangers will or can do," Hicks said. "We will support whatever the commissioner decides."

I love how a Major League Baseball field is like diplomatic territory or something. If I were Yul, whoops, I mean Scary-Larry-with-no-Hairy (the cameraman), I would just be thrilled that the non-corrupt institution that is MLB was going to sort things out on my behalf and decide whether or not what Big Rog did to me and my trusty camera was actually "assault". It's on VIDEO. These guys need to get control over themselves on and off the field. Maybe Kenny needs to take some "keeping your cool" tips from Tom Cruise. Plus then he might be able to look at Katie Holmes's sweet ass. Peace people. Peace = Piece. Actually the coppers were breifly involved in this incident, but much like the FBI on a local Sheriff's crime scene, "They aint wanted round these parts. Farez I'm concerned, itz outta their jurisdicshun {spit tabacka}". No charges have been filed. We're just gonna let the Comish werk it ouuuuut!

*Rogers wasn't available for comment...Hart was: "He made it very clear to me that he did the wrong thing and it was inappropriate," Hart said. "It was out of character, way out of character for Kenny."

Guess what? Enjoy your new image, slugger. You think the media is gonna be on your side now?

*"Kenny is having anger issues right now," Hart said after Wednesday's game. "I don't know what's going on inside. We're responding to something that's very unusual."

Why wont he open up to me?! {sniff} I just don't GET it! I don't even know who he IS anymore! He won't go to counseling, he wont talk to the kids about their day, the other day he kicked the dog 3 times for looking at him weird...I've just about had it. I can't live with him if he just wont tell me whats going on inside! {Hart wipes eyes on apron and pouts} I'll just go to my mother's and take the kids!

*"His comment to me was, 'I didn't handle this right. I'm frustrated. My integrity and toughness is being called into question,"' Hart said.

No. Not your toughness. We know who's boss now. Especially LARRY!

*Paraphrasing here but it says in this article that Big Rog is a 6'1", 210 lb pitcher for a MLB team. Larry's stats aren't provided, unfairly, but I'm going to go ahead and guess from the photo, he's about 5' tall, 135 lbs, sopping wet, and HE DOESNT HAVE HAIR!!! It was probably justified though considering, Texas had been in a recent slump, and had lost eight of their last nine games. Sometimes you just have to kick someones ass over something like that. I hope Rodriguez got to at least mutter at Rogers (before KR stormed off to take it out on the cooler): "I'm so mad at you for that."

*"Kenny has had a short fuse dealing with the media," Hicks said. "I've heard stories about what may or may not have happened. He has issues. It's directed at the media and I don't know why."

I don't really like to see myself on recording either. Mmmmm, yeah, not so much. Maybe he thought that lately he'd looked fat on camera and had just had it. I feel that way sometimes too and occasionally I might beat the camera person as well. ;) In all seriousness (shaa), I'll admit it...the media is a terrible obstacle for celebrities, sports stars, and former Baltimore City Police Commissioner Edward T. Norris, but in this case, I dont know if that mis-matched bullying was nearly warranted. If Kenny has issues with the media, maybe he should just pray about it and find inspiration from another guy who's first name was the same as his last (its fate) and try to keep his coolio in the face of great adversity (like having your picture taken). Oh and I meant Roger Maris just then. I had no point really... :)

*In closing, my favorite part of this article was the caption under the "dug-out" pic: Kenny Rogers checks out his hand after hitting a water cooler. And apparently, he hasn't cooled off any.

Ya think??? Stay away from my cooler, Gambler!

Song of the Beatin:

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers (hmmm...I didn't know he wrote that. Learn sumpthin new everyday!)