20- Ask to take a bathroom break and say, "Puleeeze! It's #2!"
19 - Make fun of pictures of the interviewer's kids...call the girls "he" and the boys "she".
18 - Ask if the Holiday party is open bar...and then knowingly say, "But I mean REALLY open bar".
17- Call your interviewer "Mr. Dumbass" when his last name is Dumass (pronounced: doo moss)(have you seen that commercial? heh)
16 - Masturbate because it helps you to relax when you are stressed. It can wait.
15 - Ask if they ever press charges.
14 - Ask them if the office you would have if awarded this position has a door. When they say yes, say"Does it have a lock?"
13 - Ask the interviewer on your way out, "So, like, do you have any 'odd jobs' or anything I can do around here for some cash in the meantime?" and wink knowingly.
12 - Tell them you're ravenous and ask if they have a lil piece of cheese or something for you to snack on, exclaiming, "whew..I feel light-headed!"
11 - Say, "I'm bored of this conversation."
10 - Look at the phone and say "Cooooooool speaker phone!!! Neat-O!"
9 - Tell them that the reason you left your old job was because you were porking your boss...and that got old.
8- Ask "Let me make sure I get this straight; You like your employees to where their pants at ALL times right? That's part of your "so called" dress code?"
7 - Tell them you are certified in CPR and like to try it out every now and then to make sure you can still do it, but like...as a surprise or something so it's "more real".
6 - Tell them you need an hour off every Monday to visit your psychiatrist and then whisper, "Shock therapy."
5 - Constantly refer to yourself in plural, ie. "we'd love this job because...", "we feel qualified for this position because..."
4 - Mention that the stars told you to interview for this job--that you read it in your charts and then ask what sign the interviewer is. When he/she answers, quickly say, "Oh Dear God." with a terrified look of disdain on your face.
3 - Shart (This is two words combined. They are bodily functions.)
2 - Ask if they participate in Casual-sex Fridays
AND
1 - Ask, "Hey if me and a gay, handicapped, black woman both interview, is she gonna get the job?"
...just so you know. ;)
This is my second blog of the day. I'm giving a shout-out to the Dowd-man for a superbly funny blog today on what makes a good Rock n Roll Band 101, though I'm suggesting he makes it 'Hard Rock', not Rock n' Roll..but it's not my blog, and its perfect the way it is so...get to it folks! Click! Funneeee and insightful. I'm inspired. Tonight...I'm gonna drive fast, drink, take drugs and fuuuuuuuuuuu...mble around in my purse for my keys. ;)
Secondly, Nikki blogged! THREE TIMES! Holy Moses! Its good too! Check it out. Click! It made many an insane person laugh...so I hear. ;) I look like a freakazoid in the face-mask pictures, but hey, that's me. Please love me. :-/
Lastly, to any of those who have called me in the last 4-5 days and not gotten my voicemail but an aggressively bitchy Cingular computer woman voice telling you to go pound sand...that I MAY or MAY NOT be vacationing in the Canary Islands, I'm sorry, it's simply not true. It was a malfuntion. I got tired of everyone bitching at me and accusing me of avoiding their calls (which Evvvvvvvvveryone knows I DONT DO, riiiight?) and called Suckular and turns out it was their problem. On that note...anyone who has Cingular in the MD, DC, VA, DE area, I'm letting you know that Cingular has been having "major problems with wireless service resulting in busy signals and failure to connect calls" since June 27th. So I slapped em around and threatened to take my business to Verizon, and the guy on the phone freaked out like David Spade in the Capital One commercials, "Noooooooooo!" when the dissatisfied customer says hes taking his business to another company. So yeah... I nipped that in the bud for all of my people in the DelMarVa community. No thank you is necessary--and DEFINITELY, don't go out of your way to invite me to DO anything on the 4th of July or anything because you feel bad for me that I dont have plans. Ok? I would never expect THAT. That Cingular thing...that one was a freebie. ;) Anyway-- its all worked out I think. (so they say) So you can call me now...really...you can. Call me. Now.
Ok, seeing as how everyone I know has a date tonight with their loving husband or boyfriend or playmate and it's Friiiiiiiday and I aint got shit to do, I might stay late tonight and work on that blog about NYC some more. MAYBE. Sorry...I know you can barely get through your days having not seen it yet...but I try.
Luv,
Loserbaby
(as in..."Sarrrrammeeecannnnadawwww, I'm a loser-baby, so why don't you kill me?!" What IS Beck saying in that song???)
Songs: (good ones...cept for Beck)
She Talks to Angels - Black Crows
A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Don McLean
When Will I Be Loved - Everly Brothers
Loser - Beck
19 - Make fun of pictures of the interviewer's kids...call the girls "he" and the boys "she".
18 - Ask if the Holiday party is open bar...and then knowingly say, "But I mean REALLY open bar".
17- Call your interviewer "Mr. Dumbass" when his last name is Dumass (pronounced: doo moss)(have you seen that commercial? heh)
16 - Masturbate because it helps you to relax when you are stressed. It can wait.
15 - Ask if they ever press charges.
14 - Ask them if the office you would have if awarded this position has a door. When they say yes, say"Does it have a lock?"
13 - Ask the interviewer on your way out, "So, like, do you have any 'odd jobs' or anything I can do around here for some cash in the meantime?" and wink knowingly.
12 - Tell them you're ravenous and ask if they have a lil piece of cheese or something for you to snack on, exclaiming, "whew..I feel light-headed!"
11 - Say, "I'm bored of this conversation."
10 - Look at the phone and say "Cooooooool speaker phone!!! Neat-O!"
9 - Tell them that the reason you left your old job was because you were porking your boss...and that got old.
8- Ask "Let me make sure I get this straight; You like your employees to where their pants at ALL times right? That's part of your "so called" dress code?"
7 - Tell them you are certified in CPR and like to try it out every now and then to make sure you can still do it, but like...as a surprise or something so it's "more real".
6 - Tell them you need an hour off every Monday to visit your psychiatrist and then whisper, "Shock therapy."
5 - Constantly refer to yourself in plural, ie. "we'd love this job because...", "we feel qualified for this position because..."
4 - Mention that the stars told you to interview for this job--that you read it in your charts and then ask what sign the interviewer is. When he/she answers, quickly say, "Oh Dear God." with a terrified look of disdain on your face.
3 - Shart (This is two words combined. They are bodily functions.)
2 - Ask if they participate in Casual-sex Fridays
AND
1 - Ask, "Hey if me and a gay, handicapped, black woman both interview, is she gonna get the job?"
...just so you know. ;)
This is my second blog of the day. I'm giving a shout-out to the Dowd-man for a superbly funny blog today on what makes a good Rock n Roll Band 101, though I'm suggesting he makes it 'Hard Rock', not Rock n' Roll..but it's not my blog, and its perfect the way it is so...get to it folks! Click! Funneeee and insightful. I'm inspired. Tonight...I'm gonna drive fast, drink, take drugs and fuuuuuuuuuuu...mble around in my purse for my keys. ;)
Secondly, Nikki blogged! THREE TIMES! Holy Moses! Its good too! Check it out. Click! It made many an insane person laugh...so I hear. ;) I look like a freakazoid in the face-mask pictures, but hey, that's me. Please love me. :-/
Lastly, to any of those who have called me in the last 4-5 days and not gotten my voicemail but an aggressively bitchy Cingular computer woman voice telling you to go pound sand...that I MAY or MAY NOT be vacationing in the Canary Islands, I'm sorry, it's simply not true. It was a malfuntion. I got tired of everyone bitching at me and accusing me of avoiding their calls (which Evvvvvvvvveryone knows I DONT DO, riiiight?) and called Suckular and turns out it was their problem. On that note...anyone who has Cingular in the MD, DC, VA, DE area, I'm letting you know that Cingular has been having "major problems with wireless service resulting in busy signals and failure to connect calls" since June 27th. So I slapped em around and threatened to take my business to Verizon, and the guy on the phone freaked out like David Spade in the Capital One commercials, "Noooooooooo!" when the dissatisfied customer says hes taking his business to another company. So yeah... I nipped that in the bud for all of my people in the DelMarVa community. No thank you is necessary--and DEFINITELY, don't go out of your way to invite me to DO anything on the 4th of July or anything because you feel bad for me that I dont have plans. Ok? I would never expect THAT. That Cingular thing...that one was a freebie. ;) Anyway-- its all worked out I think. (so they say) So you can call me now...really...you can. Call me. Now.
Ok, seeing as how everyone I know has a date tonight with their loving husband or boyfriend or playmate and it's Friiiiiiiday and I aint got shit to do, I might stay late tonight and work on that blog about NYC some more. MAYBE. Sorry...I know you can barely get through your days having not seen it yet...but I try.
Luv,
Loserbaby
(as in..."Sarrrrammeeecannnnadawwww, I'm a loser-baby, so why don't you kill me?!" What IS Beck saying in that song???)
Songs: (good ones...cept for Beck)
She Talks to Angels - Black Crows
A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Don McLean
When Will I Be Loved - Everly Brothers
Loser - Beck
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