Chicks n' ducks n' geese better scurry...

...when I take you out in my surrey! When I take you out in my surrey with a fringe (bee bop) on top! (woo hoo)

Surrey with a fringe...Toyota Tacoma...it's all the same to Phreakylee. Seems I have a little bit of a back-blog going on here from all the days I've missed so here's is the motherload. I just haven’t felt up to it to be honest. I feel like I don’t have time to even think, but that’s mainly because all I do is think about fruitless situations that are galaxies beyond my control. I tend to have trouble prioritizing things I need versus my perceived desires. But eso es la manera es cuando usted es un geminis loco. Someone correct that for me. I’m sure it was nonsense. And no it doesn’t say: 'Do the chickens have large talons?' Pollo? Who was the scary Spanish teacher we had in middle school?…damn…I can’t remember her name…Senora Needstogetlaid. Help me out here. Anyway, she could prolly tell me how to tell my audience ‘that’s the way it goes when you’re a crazy Gemini’, but she might only know how to say: stop talking Laura Lee, raise your hand to speak, that’s not Spanish I hear back there and spit that damn gum in the trash can.

Omg see? This is why I can’t blog! I can’t focus! I’d be a perfect candidate for A.D.D research (especially if it involves drugs). I am on here today to correct the backblog with a spicy treat I’ve been cooking up for about a week and a half and it’s called (dum da-da Da!)…

Yoobizzy? (an Annotated Blogliography on Dating that "adds up")

Yoobizzy (n) (Yew-biz-ee): person you call up at random and completely inconsiderate times with little to no notice for the purposes of sex, and/or the “I need to use you to make me feel better” date (and we wonder why men think we are sent here from the devil).
{Derived from the Latin phrase; RU Bizeus}
{Old-English-Germanic Origination (phrase): Are you busy tonight?}

This term’s definition was hoisted from the not-so-well-known periodical:

Lee, Laura M., Rate Your Date: Laura Lee’s Easy “1 n’ 1 make 2, 2 n’ 1 make 3” Guide to Evaluating Your Dating Habits and Picking Mr. Right(now), 2nd edition. Hooflin n’ Mifflin Hon. c. 2005. Balmer, Merlin.

“What expertise does thelauralee have in order to write about the art of dating?” you ask with doubt and befuddlement? Nada. I’m just funny. I learned I could write about whatever I wanted in Clown School and it’s considered literature. So let’s get to the annotated blogliogrpahy part so that you can consider whether or not you want to actually read this publication. Does this tricky love-math really work? Are we Nobel Peace Prize bound? ‘I didn’t know Laura could add!’ are issues at the forefront of our minds. Here we go…

Blogliographer – Anonymous

In this publication, the author was able to skillfully apply number values or ‘points’ to certain aspects your date might display, apparent characteristics, mannerisms, good deeds, lame moves, overall appeal, etc. Here is just a sampling from her theory:

CATEGORY POINTS:

The Invitation:
-He contacted you with a activity plan and a round about time: 2pts
-He called you and told you to dress nice, it’s a surprise: 3pts
-Calls you maybe eventually, IMs you, emails you and then on top of it has no plan or time and says things like, “I think you’ll find I’m pretty easy going and I will go along with whatever.” He shall be assigned 1pt.
The author lays down the line in this section. She states, “That is not laid back, easy going or sweet to let you choose. That’s lame, lazy and he’s not that into you. Find someone who is."
She adds, "If he doesn’t call you and you have to call him, he will be assigned 0 pts. In fact, give him some of your points you moron."

His Dress/Style:
-Shabby Vagabond but not quite the "homeless" look: 1 pt
-Comparable to you: 2pts
-Excellent and stylish (careful here, if he’s gay you return to home state): 3pts
In order to help you assign points to your date in this category, the author has given you tips for categorization. For example: if he is wearing tennis shoes and you’re not going jogging together, hanging out at the mall, walking the harbor, or hurdling, he will be assigned 1pt. Shabby. If he has made an effort with the shoes (and not wearing white socks) but you think that if you were dating you could probably get him to wear a more stylish pair of shoes cheerfully, he receives 2pts. If his shoes are Italian leather and you can smell the rawhide wafting up from under the table (there are worse things you can have happen here), he’s a classy dude: 3pts. And no, Sketchers are not 3pts.

Conversation and Establishing Common Ground:
-He is all over the place topic wise and isn’t cohesively flowing with your comments but is at least talking: 1pt
-Making an effort and interjecting what he thinks is funny and listens fairly well, even when eating: 2pts
-Makes direct eye contact, remembers your comments (and name!) and meshes them back into conversation, has a good sense of humor and matches it with your comfort level (ie: no fart or shit jokes): 3pts!!!

End of the Evening/Chemistry Sensor:
-Senses you have chemistry and goes in for the kiss without prompting: 3pts!
-Is awkward about it, but still makes the move himself: 2pts
-Waits for you to kiss him: 1pt (though really he shouldn’t get points for this unless it’s a good kiss or you’re an aloof ice princess).
-Goes for the kiss when there is obviously no chemistry (this is not ambiguous)—Not acceptable. See negative points section.

STAND-ALONE PLUS AND MINUS POINTS

+Positive Points+
-Likes the same TV shows or music: 3pts!
-Looks in the direction of the Golden Tee video game at the bar with adoration only b/c you were walking back from the bathroom and passing it: 2pts
-Compliments your outfit: 1 pt
-Compliments your accessories: 2pts
-Compliments your accessories and notices how well it meshes with your well chosen outfit: 3pts! (again, you’re in the danger zone for a Billy who hasn’t come out of the closet yet)
-Makes a comment like: “I don’t have anywhere to be but with you, just as long as I get to work tomorrow at some point, I’m cool.”: 2 pts
-Unexpected flowers: 2pts! (careful…this could be weird depending on the chosen flower)
-Listened to something you mentioned in the brief time since you’ve met or spoken on the phone (ie: favorite restaurant) and incorporates that into your date: 3pts!
-Puts himself between you and harm (ie: crazy bum in subway, moving car, running ferocious dog): 3pts!
-Holds coat while you put it on: 2pts
-Pulls out your chair: 1pt
Picks up the tab without discussion: 3pts (deal with it. we’re the keepers of the goodies) Tells a good joke: 1pt
-Stops eating to listen to you and look at you: 3pts! (totally unexpected, what a gem!)
-Uses sarcasm appropriately and not offensively: 1pt
-Smiles at you intentionally: 2pts :)
-Compliments your eyes: 2pts
-Compliments you personality or sense of humor: 3pts!

-Negative Points-
-Says he has to be in my midnight b/c he gets sleepy easily (if you are a sleeper fuddy duddy too, you may award him points): -1 pt
-Asks you for money or lets you pay the whole bill: -3 points (this is grounds for automatic disqualification in some instances. Your friends dont even make you pay the whole bill!)
-Brings up political, moral or ethical issues: -3pts
-Doesn’t like baseball: -2pts (where did you find this guy?)
-Asks you if you’ve ever played Madden: -2pts
-Has squirrelly hair: -1pt
-Has bad breath: -2pts
-Does not make direct eye contact when talking: -1pt
-Doesn’t get your appropriate jokes: -2pts
-Doesn’t have his own place and or/resides with parents (sorry guys): -3pts
-Darker than a 20% tint on car windows: -1pt
-Says that he usually goes for blonds but…(and you are not blond, including bottled blond): -3pts -Talks abut Ex-girlfriend: -3pts
-Belches and blows it out with no regard for your keen sense of smell: -2pts
-Scratch themselves in private places: -2pts
-Not holding doors: -3pts (how hard is this? it goes a long way!)
-Orders before you: -2pts
-Interrupts blatantly: -3pts!
-Asks you: Are you going to finish that?: -1pt
-Makes it obvious he expects sex: -2pts (just a tip to the guys from the author…if you act like you don’t need it, you’re just there for her company, you’ll probably get it).
-Does not respond well to your fashionable lateness: -2pts (you are worth the wait)
-Makes YOU drive on first few dates: -3pts unless he is injured
-Tells one or more stupid story that makes him look like an ass (author points out specific instance when date told her he went to the movie Blues Brothers 2000 and booed the screen and threw food at age 25): -2pts
-Tells retarded jokes and laughs REALLY hard at his own and not at yours: -2pts
-Smokes when you don’t at the table: -1pt
-Does not have job: -3pts (actually...get rid of him. Even McDonalds is hiring)
-Compliments your tits: -2pts

***Author also encourages daters to create her own unique point awards and deductions as follows:

Point Distribution Unique to Author:
-Speaks with Baltimore accent: -2pts
-Not drinking: -2pts
-Hates beer: -2pt
-Drinking but not drinking much at all: -1pt
-Makes comment about ‘liking bigger women’: -3pts
-Likes TV show, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge: 1 pt
-Hates the movie “Rudy”: 2pts
-Hated the real person Rudy Ruteger more: 3pts
-Religious, 'moral' and self-righteous: -3pts
-Catholic: 1pt (I dunno…don’t ask)
-Makes prejudice comments blatantly: -3pts (some Asian and Mexican cracks allowable)
-Will drink a tequila shot: 2pts
-Likes steamers and canned beer on certain occasions: 3pts
-Loves music, many kinds, and can tell you why: 3pts
-Hates crabs or seafood: -3pts
-Talks about his mom with disdain: -2pts
-Talks about his mom or sisters with adoration (but not to excess): 2pts
-Talks about his mom too much with adoration that is borderline Norman Bates: -3pts!
-Can’t even state 1 particular interest or hobby he has: -5 pts (if he doesn’t know what he likes, why the hell would he care what you like?…plus screw that whole identity crisis crap)
-Likes oral sex…I mean REALLY likes it: 10pts!!! (and yes, I mean giving and getting, but how are you going to know this on the first or second date unless you are NSA? Slut. see NSA section)

NSA* Date Point Ratings:
-Has no condom(s): -3pts
-Does not buy you at least 1-2 drinks: -3pts
-Asks if you like ass play when you are in earshot of other people: -3pts
-Laughs with you in bed: 3pts
-Gives you the big O: 3pts
-Stays the night uninvited: -3pts
-Talks dirty out of context: -2pts
-Talks dirty in context: 2pts
-Cums on your face, hair or mouth intentionally without warning or discussion: -3pts (be polite!)
-Asks you if you have food in the house: -1pt
-Gets you something to drink after sex: 3pts
-Gets up and leaves before 15 mins has passed after sex: -2pts
-Handles the "Coyote Ugly Move" with style and grace: 3pts...and out the door!
*No Strings Attached...yes, a one nighter or, to use the scientific term, "fuck buddy")

Basically the author stresses that you will have to come up with your own instances of point deductions and awards and include them in your date rating process.

Next, the author recommends, take all of these numbers, and add them up. The ratings are loose but go something like this:

Negative Points: It's possible that upon doing your final calculations, you're date may have negative points. If that is the case, stab him with a butter knife and run.

0-15 pts: This man has a lot of growing up to do. He is likely not suited for ANY woman, let alone you. Do not schedule a second date, even to break it off. Don’t answer your phone, block his emails, pretend you moved, report him to the Better Boyfriend Bureau as a lazy f*ck.

16-25 pts: Don’t blow this one off just yet, but continue to see other men, so that combined, all the men you’re dating might in fact equal one whole decent man. Practice good time management. If you get tired of providing all the wonderful entertainment, take him to see “The Interpreter”. Trust me, this works and gives you a 122 minute break. Also, consider staring out the window a lot while in the car, sort of like dogs do. Refrain from drooling. Most husbands and boyfriends are in this range. It has potential. Good luck girl. If it gets to be too much, plan a girls weekend and cheat on him and make your girlfriends pinky swear never to tell him.

25 + points: woo wee girl! There aint no such thang as a perfect man, but you’ve just raised the bar on male mediocrity! This one's pretty unique. All you have to do now is see how long it lasts. If he doesn’t make it past 2 weeks, please demote him to the next point range. If this continues indefinitely, start stretchin those mouth muscles out. It’s blow job season.

Summary:
When applied properly, Ms. Lee’s theory on "Dating Math" is not only innovative but inarguable. It was most enjoyable reading her guide to objective dating and your blogliographer intends to keep a studious eye on the Best Sellers list for her follow up trilogy expected to come out this summer:

• You’re Lame in Bed! (with bonus pamphlet, “BJ? How about I just lay here and you f*ck my face?”)
• Stop Comparing Him to Your Ex! and
• I’m Pregnant with Your Baby and I Want to Jump Off the Bay Bridge!

*******************************************************************

Whew...ok that was like WAY over the top, but believe it or not, it was "edited" as to not incite a coup against The Phreak for not changing names to protect the "innocent", making blatant references that identify the culprit, publicly chastising people either myself or a friend has dated/is dating that could conceivably read my blog and shape up his shitty dating behavior to keep his wonderful female friend interested (oh the horror!) and just being an overal stuck up bitch. I didn't think I would even HAVE to tell you all this, but it's all satire. Exaggeration of real events for the purposes of entertainment! What the heck is that called anyway? (and don't tell me it's libel or slander you smart asses). Anyway...there's a name for it...and I do it. In other words. I'm just kidding. Let's take it down a notch Sparky. But can I just say this as my "Final Thought"? ALL of these kudos and faux pas have either happened to me, or someone I know really well...so I think I have earned the right to go to town on these dudes, really I am not a high maintenance beeyatch.

Songs of the Day: Fuck Her Gently- Tenacious D (that's f*ckin team work!) & Surrey with a Fringe on Top - From the Musical "Oklahoma". That's O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A.

Try, try try to understand...he's a Magic Man, mama!

WARNING: contains offensive material. Go back to knitting...

Before I get to posting my blog that was intended for yesterday but...let's just say it needed tweaking a bit as to not fully offend some of my constituents as a very kindred soul assured me it would, let me share with you a blogworthy laugh from last night. Maybe you had to be there...but if you know all the players, maybe it will give you a magical giggle (that sounds fun doesnt it?)

Last night, when I finally got home, Nikki was fiddling around with her new cell phone, downloading rings and what not. I've since learned that my ring on her phone is "Shut Your F*cking Face Uncle F*cka" from the South Park Movie. There are no words, so it won't be offending random people in the Senate unfortunately, but nonetheless, I am pleased. :) I'm pasting some of the lyrics here yet AGAIN but it's in and effort to foreshadow. That's what we literary geniuses call "giving clues" that prove to be fairly significant later:

Terrance: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka! You're a cock sucking ass licking uncle fucka!You're an uncle fucka, yes its true, nobody fucks uncles quite like you!
Phillip: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka! You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka! You dont eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you just fuck your uncle all day long(fart noises)
Terrance: Hmm!(fart noises)(laughing)(fart)
Dudley Dooright guy: What's going on here?(fart noises)
People: OoooooooooooooooooooooohFucker fucker uncle fucka fucka fucka fucka fucka!
T & P: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka (Terrance: uncle fucka)
Terrance: You're a boner biting bastard uncle fucka!
Phillip: You're an uncle fucka I must say,
Terrance: Well you fucked your uncle yesterday!
Everyone: (laughing)
People: Uncle fucka... thats...
Everyone: U-N-C-L-E fuck you UncleFuckaaaaaaaaaaaaa tonight...
Phillip: ...Suck my balls!

The second runner up ring was this weird verbal/speaking ring that says: 'Yo yo bee-atch is on the phone!' It's like a slow "I've been drinking bathtub gin", Miss Hannigan type voice. I liked the idea of being represented by a drunk old spinster...it's not altogether something I would rule out as my future.

SO...after that little phone treat and lots of chain smoking (quote Nikki: It was that kind of day huh?) Nik was beckoning thelauralee to exit the kitchen and come and watch David Blaine freak people out on TV, specifically, tribal villages in South America who still shoot poison darts a la Ace Ventura 2. As if these people didn't have enough issues with starvation, cultural habits based on blackmagic, no bras, issues with sticking weird things in their mouth and ears, and poverty...now they had to deal with David Blaine.

So we sat there and watched as David Blaine terrify all the natives to the point of near tears as he laughed at them and kept saying in that weird deep Tony Robbins-esque voice, "no no...it's not what you think...it's not witch magic". They are saying in some crazy bushman language, "you in myhead? you in my head?" He's trying to explain to them before he gets speared, no...it's just magic. This he says after pretending to stick a blade all the way through his hand and make the blood come out of the childs hand who was watching. ok? He's a freak show but seriously amazing.

So I naturally start the "Would you sleep with...?" game that Nikki and I like to play when watching TV and movies. I say, "Would you sleep with David Blaine?" She answers quickly, "NO!" I am intrigued by this because just a few weeks ago when we were playing this game in the Ikea parking lot, she said she would sleep with Jack Black in a heart beat. hmmmm.....I had to know what would make David Blaine an absolute NO when Jack Black made the final cut! I knew it was fear but I wanted to hear her explain why. ;)

As I expected it was freaking hilarious. She's finally says (with lots of charade type behavior while talking) "NO! Because I don't want to be having sex with him and then Wooooooooooop (moving hands all around magically) Poof! It's Gretchen! (her sister) or poof! It's a dog! Or like bleeeeep! (magic signals) it's a pickle!" See, now that's just subjective. I love pickles. She basically goes on and on about all the terrible things David Blaine would do to her during sex and we even discussed the possibility of him coming right out of our TV screen which she said would freak her out. Ya think???? So finally she ends this diatribe with, "Plus, who would want to sleep with someone who lived in a glass box above the Thames River for like 48 days anyway...that's just weird!" Hey, I've slept with weirder guys, but I did agree. What was the purpose of that? So I say to her, "Yeah...that was really weird of him, I don't get it. I mean he didn't eat...or sleep..." and without missing a beat...she looks at me and says, "or mow the lawn."

;)

In the end...I might sleep with David Blaine just to spite Nikki. Then...if I were lucky...he'd turn himself into Nikki. ;) Love ya babe.

Songs:
Magic Man - Heart
SYFFUF - Terrance & Phillip (hey, blame Canadian)

Tidy up!

Looks like I'm not the only one who has trouble keeping track of her battery operated boyfriends...

Watch me! Click me! (Ikea commercial)

Never thought I would say this but, I love kids. So innocent and funny. How cute is that little dude? Sometimes I have that reaction when my silver bullet starts buzzing like that too. :)

Hey Zee, what's your favorite Little Rascal? Is it SPANKY?

A few posts ago, I pasted a conversation between the Bails and Phreakylee in my comments section regarding Lindsay's escapades with the Lick-a-Stick on her way home from "Cleveland Rocks!" Please go to Lindsays blog as fast as humanly possible...she's finally written out the story of the highway masterbater (or is that masterbatOR?). This is one of my all-time favorite tales. I'm so excited! It feels like Christmas! tee hee!

Enjoy...

Yankee/Expos Fan: aka the Highway Masterbator

...and we'll keep on fighting, til the end!

Everybody's doing it...so naturally I jumped on the bandwagon. Tommy-boy posted this Scientific Personality Test on his blog, HH snagged the link and posted her results on her blog, and me...well it's no surprise, I am a bleeding-heart-soft,-crybaby- lil bitch.

"Call me 'little bitch' 13 or 14 more times and see what happens!"

--Keni 'Squeak' Scolari (BASEketball, the movie)


ENFP - The Champion
You scored 90% I to E, 15% N to S, 0% F to T, and 63% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 92% on I to E

You scored higher than 12% on N to S

You scored higher than 0% on F to T

You scored higher than 70% on J to P

The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

Ok so yeah...that's SO me. Uncanny really. And I thought I was unique! Opps, I mean weird. Oh well maybe I am (3%). Where are the other Champions? I need you! Take the test yourself...it only takes about 3 minutes. Especially when you're like me, extremely impulsive and you don't think anything through. ;)

Weeeeee are the Champ-yons my frieeeeennnnnds...

Let me tell you something about my boss...he's CHEAP!

Mornin all...

Check this out. Damn, is this a Laura Lee thing to do or what? I especially like how at the end she says in that drunken slur with the limp hand wave, "Oh I don't care." You will tomorrow Jen.

Cheap women, cheap champagne!

Burn baby burn, disco inferno!

I am working late because I am a lazy waste of space who decided to stay in bed and call in depressed this morning and didn't get here until 12:30pm. BUT, I have a fellow screw off co-worker here with me who gave me the following link that was just dumb enough (or I am just sleepy enough) to laugh out loud.

I personally would have gotten in the elevator with them...."WOO HOO! We were born to be! A-LIE-HIVE! BORN! Born to be alive! (born to be alive)"

Studio 54 Elevator

A German Pope?! Fishce Dich! Dic Scwhol! Sheitz cat!

This blog entry is to show you pictures of our new garden!!! We're so proud (sniff). Even though it's dry as hell and all the things we've planted haven't bloomed yet, its the best garden ever made :) If I had more time, I would go on Adobe and do some lil yellow markings like John Madden to show you where certain things are like my sad pansy, "Ya see, here's a guy who's had a great run at Home Depot, but once we get him home, he's wiped!" For more Madden humor that's actually GOOD , go to Frank Caliendo's website. He does some pretty good impressions of Madden, Darrell Green, Pat Summerall and Mr. Monroe ;) (Caddyshack-- woohoo!)

Ok A.D.D. girl, back to the garden....enjoy. Oh yeah, and there will be Gladiolus coming up to the right of the DRYER VENT (haha) and lilies coming up all along the back. Come see it f*ckers!


El mejor jardin en el mundo! (fuzzy pic but best representation)


I luuuuuv it! I luuuuv it! I luuuuv it! Fifty years old! (these are the herbs)


I'm fifty and I can KICK, and bend and KICK! Fifty! (side view, see our Rhododendron?)


Thank you Sticky Nikki for taking the pics while I lay fast asleep on my big pilla!

ps: more blog to come...the funny one I was telling you about but can't seem to get done :)

Sunzabitchezzzz! (shake fists at sky)

My Luvahs,

I realize I havent posted in a while and I am not gettin a whollotta love for that, but you'll get over it. Really....it'll be fine. I'll try harder. This afternoon, I was GOING to post the best blog ever WRITTEN that you will LOVE, but then something happened weird and I switched from yahoo mail to blogger real quick and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Any of you who have blogs know that sometimes, if you arent quick enough or the moons arent lined up with the planets and Michael Jackson is having a bad hair day, blogger will redirect and POOF! Your post is gone, never to be retrieved. :( All that work! This happened to me this morning (hence the outburst in the title). So now you can start loving me again, even though I havent posted since Wednesday, because I have the solution! Weeeeeeeeeee!

HOW TO RECOVER A LOST POST FROM THE TERRIBLE ABYSS! (click me! click me hard!)

I rock. :) Ok now let me get back to this blogsterpiece in between annoying "work calls". Whatever man. And then we shall have some entertainment indeed. Also, I am waiting for Naughty Nikki to send me some digital pics of our new garden! Oh my my , oh hell yes, you've got to put on that party dress! We have a rocking new garden and flower bed we built this weekend. I wept and planted pansies and cried on a particular purple pansy (allota alliteration) and now it won't grow...at least Nikki's blaming me. "Oh he's saaaaaaaaaaaaad." I love how our pansies are boys but our shrubs are female. We have a warped perspective on plant life. Anyway it's the shizzle, you'll love it. We are WHOREicultural geniuses. It's the prettiest on the block! Plus we planted HERBS. Really! All different kinds. And we're gonna put them in a pot......and cook em. ;)

Ok followers, for right now, I'm gonna head out...like a baby. ;) (get it?)

LL

Eye-ma Barrel O' Fun

So we got HFStival tickets huh? Phatty-bo-batty. Hope it's like '94, cept without Cracker, James and Ned's Atomic Dust Bin a girl who got her period all over her pants and two couples fingering one another on the next blanket, how can we reminisce properly? Hmmmm...maybe the wacky tabacky will still be there. I still they're still smokin that stuff out there....

Forgive my blogligence...I've just had my head too far up my ASS to get out a good blog lately (or maybe it's not my ass but someone else's? dislodge me!!! help!)

I slept on the couch until 3:15am this morning and my neck is all jacked up. I need someone to rub me...the right way. Lindsay-Lou got the tix to HFS for us-- whoopie Linzee, ya da bomb gurl! Also, she's driving up to Balamer tonight to go to a local rock performance at the classy Club Ottobar wiff da lauralee. www.theottobar.com Come and join us! Drinks on me...probably literally, but come anyway. Ya can't miss that! ;) Plus, $2 Natty Bohs, come on...does that tickle your fancy or WHAT?! Call me if you're down.

Ok-- I'm a pissy ass beyatch today so I'm out like a boner in sweatpants my peeps. Love, tenderness and fildelity to most of you.



Songs That Sum Up My Pissy Mood and Attitude Problem:
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
(I'm about to) Bizounce - Olivia

Urine Balamer Hon...Havin youz been here before?

Check out this link bloggers and blogettes....it's what I've been tryna tell youz all about!

Lexicon of Bawlamarese(How to co-moon-icate wiff the natives)

Wow! If I had found this site a long time ago, my co-moon-icashun skills wooda shot through the dern roof! You beddur bleef it! ;) Take the time to check out this Baltilictionary. It's wurff it hon. ;)

Love Youz,
Laura


PS: Also, herz a cute joke site. I especially like the "WASPY YO MAMA" jokes category. Oh and of course...gross jokes. For example...

Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

teehee...ewwwwwwww!!!

Is anybody hungry??? Hungry like THE WOLF?!

"What's up with yesterday's blog Dr. Depresso???" That was the most creative inquiry I've received about my blogxpression yesterday. All I can say is...it's my blog...and you are not the boss of me. Besides...I didn't hear anyone complaining that it took them an entire work day to read the whole entry, like I have heard in the past :) I was just feeling expressive and poetic. I wore a silly little red beret and smoked a long cigarette from one of those cigarette holding stick thingys like Audrey Hepburn used to have, and wore little black glasses and even had a pencil thin Moostasha when I wrote it ;) OR, If it makes it funnier, imagine that I meant it in freestyle rap. I know you like THAT. (ahh-weeeky-weeeky-weeeky) <--- those are record scratching noises, thank you. :)

Don't have much to say and no time to say it so let me just tell you where I'M goin tonight!!! The title of today's blog should be a big clue, my lil super sleuths. Wherever it is I'm going, it's with someone special. Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand. She's just like that river twisting through the dusty land. And when she shines, she REALLY shows you all she can. Oh! Rio...Rio...dance across the Rio Grande? ;)

"Please, Please Tell Me Now! Is There Anything I Should Know?" you are all crying! If you don't know by now, you're fired from the 80's. I am excited though. I couldn't be any better if I were Electric Barbarella myself (kinky skunk suit and all)

DURAN DURAN!!! Nikki has been prepping me all week with the Decade video and another dvd...which is really cool n all since I've never seen it. Especially not when I lived with her before. Yeah, I really havent seen it 400 times. So it was good to get that opportunity ;) We're gonna have a good time though I know it! So Say A Prayer that its a good night! I really am just so tired of this Ordinary World...but I mean, This is Planet Earth...ba ba-ba, ba ba ba bump-bah. I'm Notorious for being a stick in the mud unless I'm hanging out with Wild Boys, or watching Girls on Film. So I'm going to go with The Reflex (aka: Nikki) and as usual, I'm hoping to take this opportunity and use it...and try-yie-yie not to bruise it, but sometimes bloggies, every little thing The Reflex does, leaves me answered with a ?

So...I shall write again some other time...next week likely...there is a New Moon on Monday you know? Ok enough with the Duran x2 references ;) Hope you caught em all and if not, you so slow but me still love you longtime!

Good luck to my special friend whose band is playing their first show tonight! Break a leg (I think?) or get pissed! But don't do any White Lines (oh and I said no more Duran squared references...tisk tisk) I'll be sure to tell Simon LeBon how lucky they are that I missed your show for theirs. Actually General Ulysees S. Grant already told them with my 50 bones ($$$).

Songs of the Day:
THE WHOLE DECADE ALBUM!!!! (yesssssssss Nikki)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancin - Leo Slayer

You got a cute way of talkin! You got the better of me! Just snap your fingers and I'm walkin...like a dog...hangin on your leash!

I wrote your name...

I wrote your name on a piece of paper, but by accident I threw it away.
I wrote your name on my hand, but it faded away.
I wrote your name in the sand, but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart, and forever it will stay,
No matter how much I wish it weren't that way.

Hello, My Friend, Hello...

It's good to need you soooooo!
It's gooood to laaaaavvv you liiiiike I do,
and to feel this way...
when I hear you say...
Hello :)

I was about to get on here and berate Blogger for not allowing me on yesterday, but turns out it was my company's internet system that was down for two days. Nice. But it's back in bidness baby, so as Neil says...hello my friend. hello.

I'm feelin sentimental today and am missing you bloggies, so today's entry is about my friendship and love for all of you (or maybe just this one paragraph). I thought the Great Neil Diamond might be able to help me come up with an interesting yet appropriate greeting (he IS after all my 2nd Fav whew). Click here for #1 Whew. You beyatches better comment on here, because I miss you so much I want to know you're missing me too, because I am in constant need of affirmation, as I am told on a consistent basis by all of you as well as trained professionals and people who share in the mystery that is my DNA. Oh well. Love me anyway. :)

So I missed bloggin on Ohwpin-nun Day Hon. So sorry. Most of you are DC snobs and will probably start supporting the Washington Nationals you turncoats, and forget your roots, however, make sure you cum awn up and see dem O's dis yeer hon...also don't forget that I "know people" at certain Camden Yard Baseball bar hangouts (as you recall from Ravens Season Hon) and I'm up for taking advantage of tearin it up B-more style with any of you, as long as it's not in the middle of the day and I don't have to skip work and end up drunk by 1pm. Oh wait, what the hell am I talking about?! ESPECIALLY then! ;)

I just have to say that it's almost unbearable to be stuck inside today. What a BEEYEWTEEFUL day! This is my favorite weather. It's baseball weather, tulip weather, sneakin out of the house and drinkin Beast and hookin up with Joey Macaluso weather! BBQs, Beers, and Babes Napoleon. Sunny days like this really cure my ADD. Whoops...left that S off. S.A.D.D. For those of you who arent hypocondriacs (which I dont really know anyone who isnt so this is irrelevant), S.A.D.D. is Seasonal Affective Disorder. Wait...there's a D missing. I dunno...its that made up disorder that people use in order to have an excuse for being lazy, blue, lethargic and fat in the winter. AKA: a Marylander. I may have discussed this in my blog previously when I talked about getting one of those S.A.D.D. visors to cheer me up, but I'm having a brain cramp and can't recall so here it is again. Deja vu hon. I'm feeling so Balmer today and I have to let it "shaowe".

I don't have anything to write about today! Woopie! I'm exhausted still. I worked almost everynight last week, went through all kinds of emotional stress and on top of it, I couldn't find my lithium (j/k). Oh, and how can I forget...my loyal readers know about Lucifer and Beelzebub. My dad called last night as they returned from the airport and was so thankful and made the baby girls say my name over and over from the backseat as a treat, and I am SUCH a damn sucker that I "turned on my heart light" (I'm on a Neil Diamond kick today) and said, "Ahhhh it was nothing. You're welcome." Cool news though: he said he and Julie want to get me a special present to thank me. Naturally, I planted the mental seed for deck furniture of course! That's something I need, I want, he can afford and also that he can assemble. Alls I have ta dooo is buy da beer hon. Or in his case: La cerveza que mexicanos beben. With a lime. ;)

It was good not to have to drive to Annapolis and put up with those smelly sh*theads last night though....whewwee! On my last night there, I didn't get there until 2am and somehow I'd overlooked that Capo (the bad one) had taken Bitey Man into the basement with her when I put them down there for the day. Bitey Man is this fuzzy stuffed animal gingerbread man looking thing whose crotch is SO nasty and black from her carrying him around by his little Bitey crotch. Actually he's asexual, so I don't know quite why it's Bitey "man" but nonetheless, Capo had taken Bitey out into the mud in effigy of my late return and he was covered in dirt, slime and 2 live worms. I wanted to throw up on her. She had the muddy side down and I didnt see it when I grabbed Bitey man and got a hand full of drool, mud and worms. Again...WTF is the appeal with big dumb dogs I'm missing? haha

When Nikki came over to feed them with me the other night she was calling them Humphrey and Bogart and Harpo and Groucho...anything but Bogey and Capo...which I found amusing and I think Erin will appreciate that too. This prompted me to tell Nikki the story of how this little neighborhood kid used to call our cat Cosette...Jose. He asked what her name was one time and we'd said it really fast: Cosette! and he's apparently heard JOSE. Every time he was over: "Come-eeer Jose! {kiss noises} Jose?" Nikki also kindly pointed out after that story AGAIN that my cat was 400 years old and was going to die soon. I don't laugh at her amazement at Cosettes longevity. I hope she outlives us all...man, talk about a dramatic day with the Lee's...good lord. She's survived having her tail shut in the sliding glass door as well as 9 days in a tree before we had to pay a tree service to come get her down. Plus she's like never been to the vet and she has irresponsible caretakers that used to have rage-in parties. Poor thing. She's blue steal baby!

I forgot to post a few things around Easter...which I will do over the next few days, but among them are the fortunes we got in our Chinese Easter Sunday Dinner. HH started this fad and I do everything she does, so... Reading them is often confusing, but much like watching 2.3 seconds of MXC (Mosh Extreeeme Ariminayshun Chawrenge) on Spike TV. We want to send this one to www.engrish.com:

"Someone is spiaking well of you."

They are? awwwww that's cool. ;) Then there was this one below. I scanned it. It's superweird though...


I played those numbers though and they arent lucky so whatever.

OK, rambling over...go back to your regularly scheduled programs kiddies. I'm off tonight and tomorrow so wish me fun and sleepies (and whatever other entertainment I can drum up) ;)

Neil Diamond Songs of the Day:
Hello Again
I Got the Feelin (Oh no no)
Shilo (so you turn to the only friend you can find...there in your mind--the IMAGINARY ONE!)
and in honor of Chris: Sweet Caroline (Sweeeeet Cara...expletive...expletive) someone want to comment and tell this story?

Other Real songs of the Day: (lots today!)
I Want To Break Free - Queen
Ramblin On My Mind - Eric Clapton
Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
I'll Be Around - Hall & Oats
You and Me - Lifehouse

Let me hear ya say: This sh*t is bananas.................B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!

******* "Heart attack." *********

Word up bloggies! TGIF to all you little worshipers of thelauralee. I give myself too much credit, don't I? So, you like-ah da good shtoreesh Daniel Son? Cuz I got a good one. I did somethin last night that was so totally blogrific, you're gonna be so jealous! Unless of course you play the drums and then you'll just have to be jealous for different reasons but we'll get to that.

Last night I got together with Mr. Big (as he shall remain nameless to protect him from the stigma that is associated with interaction with yours truly). Mr Big is a potpourri of interesting skills and has many entertaining qualities, one of which is that he is an off-the-hook drummer. Is this too cute or what? That made him sound gayish...is that cool or what? That's like "Fonzie cool" ;)

Since I met Mr. Big, I've very much wanted to see him go at his drums (and sorta at me too), as I think this one of his most amazing talents (mainly due to the fact that I know not the wonders of being coordinated, ie: Falldowngoboom Academy Graduate, Class of 1977). But he never offered...I assumed it was his personal passion, very dear to him, and that one day maybe I would reach non-mutant status and he'd ask me to come hear him play when I was deemed worthy :) On Wednesday he told me his band was performing in April...this led to a conversation about how I would love an opportunity to see him play...which led to an invitation on Thursday to tear it up Mr. Big style at his practice pad in the city. Apparently we viewed this differently...he thought it was something that I wouldnt be interested in seeing/hearing in this lifetime, and I thought he was holding out the goodies on thelauralee.

So we go, I watch him play and it was amazing! I think he has 6 secret arms that come out when he's playing, there were hands everywhere (ahhh no no no...they were drumming....don't get ahead of yourself). Well I was secretly worshipping this amazing display of talent by the musical octopus. He really is awesome. Maybe if YOU are lucky, you will meet Mr. B one day and see the drummin yourself. But he might make ya pay de toll hon.

I got a chance to sit there and play them myself! I had no flippin idea what to do! haha But can I just tell you that one is overcome by an overwhelming desire to bang the crap out of everything in front of you?! So I did. :) He showed me little things that I couldn't do for longer than 30 seconds, but yeah...I was a rockstar for every one of those 30 seconds. :)

Ok so here's the best part (I know I am like a total nerd). He sits on the stool, and I sit on his lap and he put his hands on mine and my feet on the pedals and he moved my limbs and I played drums like a motherf*cker! It was so awesome! I was laughing and squealing like a total dork. It was so cool. Sittin on his lap wasnt so horrible either ;) It had to be hard to work my arms like that...sometimes I get real tired when I have to move my own arms n' stuff--haha. He told me he used to have his nephew sit on his lap and he'd swing his little arms around and make him play...but that it was a little easier to manipulate the limbs of a 4 year old...they are considerably lighter and his little arms didn't have a minds of their own. Trust me...once he gets you going, you want to take over and bang yourself...I often want to bang myself, so this was nothing new for me ;)

Anyway...maybe ya had to be there bloggies, but this was just about the coolest thing I'd done since I learned how to walk (hmmm maybe I never really learned properly). It was like a really cool video game that moves your limbs for you. Plus he's great company. :)

We of course summed it all up by getting lost trying to find Canton for the 35th time that evening (my forte...getting lost...as you all know). So are you not SO jealous that I spent the evening with an arm manipulating rock star?! I'm his groupie now. ;) Maybe if you ask him real nice, he'll make you a bad ass punk rocker too! His contact info might be somewhere on this site below...this link tells the story of our budding master-apprentice percussionship. It's compelling. Get your tissues ready (for cryin of course...you are such total perverts!)

Banished for bangin on dee drum all day (you know...how I don't wanna work?!)

Have a great weekend my lil drumsticks. Thanks for stoppin in to be jealous of me and my new talent. I do have a huge talent...please feel free to stop over on Saturday for a lil parteeeeeee at 2711 in O-ding-ton.

Luv,
Parumpapumpumpin Licky Lee ;)

Songs of the Day:
Holla Back Girl - Gwen Stefani (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!)
Meant To Be - Squirrel Nut Zippers

PS: I did something totally off limits at work but it feels SO right. I signed up for LAUNCHcast Radio on Yahoo. It was so easy and I just clicked all the genres I liked and its playing non-stop streamline radio of all the songs I love. Woo hoo! ;)

Dazed n' Confused Quote of the Day: (theres a lot of 'things of the day' today)
"Man, I ain't believing that shit about Bonham's one hour drum solo, man. I mean one hour of drums, you couldn't handle that shit on strong acid, man."