Moody Bitch Reporting...

I've been in such a foul mood lately. Either bitchy or quiet or exhausted or depressed...overall I have short patience (not patients...I am not a midget doctor). I just remembered the other day that when I did my Senior blurb in high-school (you know that thing that went underneath your picture where you put a lot of initials and abbreviations that 10 years later you have no idea what they stand for?) under my OWD (one word description) was the word: MOODY. My God, I was 17 years old! How sad is it that it's still SO true?

I just feel short tempered and I tend to get that self-righteous, "I'm tired of being taken advantage of", mad at the world thing going on. I hate people like that so I must try to avoid this at all costs. It's my job, for the most part. I know it. It's a real drag lately, and not because I'm bored. I dunno, I never want to get too far into it because it just upsets me. So when anyone asks how I am doing or how my job is, I just say, "Fine. Busy. Really busy. Stressful. But good, thanks." Really though? It's atrocious. I don't talk about it as much as I could because 1) I don't want to spend ANYMORE of my free time stressing over work. I give up enough as it is. 2) Talking about it makes me feel very negative because it is, and because of the stress and "who's on first?" way that business is handled in my office. 3) Anyone who is being kind enough to spend time with me after I've neglected all my friends and family and personal relationships in order to selfishly go through a total life shift that may very well just have landed me in a more hellacious job than I was in before...well, I don't want to run you kind souls off. :)

It would take a century to tell you all the things that are wrong and that stress me out about work. It's boring, and like I said...poisonously negative. Here's the bottomline: No one really likes their job. Every office has neurotic, overbearing coworkers, back-stabbers, liars, lazy asses, closet freak-shows, miscommunication and people who were actually trained to work inefficiently so they can be in control of every thing when really they are in control of nothing and are a treacherous bottleneck for the entire staff. I am and always have been foolish to think that I should love my job. I thought if I worked hard and studied hard and stayed creative and didn't sell out in a corporate sales position (even when it was hard as hell to find a marketing job), that I would love my job. Well maybe not. Do you know I'm actually afraid to pursue my dream, to be a writer, because I'm afraid I will find out that its WORK that I don't like and once I make my hobby my work, I will kill that dream too? (Also, do you buy that excuse for why I'm not a published writer yet???) ;)

So anyway, it's my job, and it's me. I feel like crap physically. I'm so out of shape. Well I'm in a shape, its a ROUND shape. I was never a thin athlete but I certainly felt better than I do right now. I feel like a ugly cow. I was looking at some of my old pictures and stuff and this time last year (or early last year) I was looking nice and feeling good. I was by NO MEANS thin or perfect, and I will be honest, although as a woman, I may never truly be content with my looks, I really did feel beautiful. I felt like I was nearing 30 and had turned a corner with my self confidence. I was finding peace between my inner and outer beauty that made me confident and, to put it bluntly, very appealing. Not that I'm tryna score some D...I actually get plenty of it and I'm pleased with the one I got. ;) (Yeah...still a ho). It's just...I dunno. I hate my reflection, I'm insecure where I wouldn't have been before and well, I fall asleep ALL the time now. Right after I eat. I eat too late (in part because of the pattern of stress and late arrivals home that I've gotten into because of my job) and when you have to make quick choices, they aren't always the best choices. I don't go to Curves anymore and I used to go EVERYDAY! I've yet to make this schedule work. I think I can keep a set schedule and then I get to work and crisis erupts and I end up blogging at 2pm when I should be taking care of the enormous crisis that has just ensued, as it always does on days when I want to maintain a schedule! I'm only doing it to escape for a little while.

So today I was going through some old pictures for motivation and I found some that were even older than THAT! :) And speaking of motivation, this is not a new concept for me (motivating myself to get in shape). I don't know if any of you have seen this before, but like 5 years ago I had a picture of Christy Turlington from Shape magazine (back when I used to love reading about eating and working out properly) on my refrigerator with my head on her body (a la Bridget Jones). Its purpose was to inspire me to STEP AWAY FROM THE FRIDGE! Next to it was a sign that said, "Nothing in here is going to fill the void. Don't bother looking." Well I did end up scanning it before it was tattered to pieces in one of the 4000 moves I made from 1999-2005, and I've just found it. It's funny (tick tick). It's before I learned how to do weird things in Photoshop, so it's literally a cut out pasted on a cut out. And here is Laura Turlington:


Niiiiiiiiiice, huh? Well that's not all I got...let's see who I can take down with me... hmmmm. Well here are some pics I found that make me feel happy (hey help me out here, I'm trying to get out of a "mood"). Some you've seen before...some not. :)


Awwww! Lindsay and Laura! Drinking Beast!


Whoa! Blast from the past! :)


I assure you, this monkey has a bell on her tail!


Two beauties before a night of drunken debauchery in New Orleans.


Me n' an insane Canadian I met in New Orleans. Jk, that's my friend Sean (who also happens to be an insane Canadian)


SEX-EEEE! Lindsay in front of the Hustler Club in N.O. looking for work. ;)


One of our winter trips to NYC. I miss that!


awww. ;) Oh stop making puke noises. I'm in luhv.


Who wouldn't smile at this?


That is my foot compared to Lindsay's. Guess which one is mine. We had a good laugh over this. No, I am not an illegal alien.


With Nikki at the Ramshead having beers and crabdip. Goodtimes.


A simple concept. This is proof that sometimes you've just got to put it in your mouth to see if it tastes good. (Dont go there perverts, that's my baby sister).

Aba-dee! Aba-dee! That's all folks! Smell ya later.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating...

...to quote one of my favorite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Now I'm going to blog about nothing just to talk. ;)

So, I know you all quit blogging because I did, but if you would kindly notice the trend, you will see that I am blogging again. So yeah, um, you can blog now too. Please?

Sooooo...what to say, what to say...I got nuthin. haha The weather sucks a fatty. I feel so lethargic. This morning I stepped in a TWO puddles and did the squeaky flip-flop walk to work. I just wanna go home and get in bed and finish reading The DaVinci Code. How can I just sit here and WORK when Langdon and Sophie need me? When I left them last they were in a real pickle! So yeah, life is so hard for me. It's so unfair that I'm expected to work on a Thursday, but ANYWAY... How about a cheesy joke?

A guy walks into a clock shop and is looking everywhere like a doofus. The sales person walks over to him and says, "Can I help you find something sir?"

The guy replies, "Well, um, yeah...could you tell me where I can find a potato clock?"

The salesperson says, "Um Excuse me? We don't have potato clocks here, may I ask why it is you're looking for this item?"

The guy says, "Well my boss told me that I wouldn't be late for work anymore if I got a potato clock." (Ba dum dum chaaaa!)

Hilarious. Maybe you have to hear me tell it. "a potato clock" "up at 8 o'clock"... Get it? Get it?

Oh, here are new pictures of the girls. That'll hold ya over until I have another brilliant revelation. ;)

When I feel that nobody loves me

Nobody cares for me

And that everyone is ignoring me

I start to ask myself...

Am I too sexy?

Air, SHMAIR!

This is my yearly "David Blaine" posting. What the hell is this guy doing now?

Check it out; Bubble-Boy Blaine lived in a glass sphere of water for a week and then tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes. This is not magic. The world record is 8 minutes 58 seconds and he went for 9. Did I mention, this is not magic?

Just a few random thoughts (like 25 of 'em) that I jotted down while I was watching:
1) I couldn't do this, so everything I'm about to say doesn't really mean jack because, what have I ever done in my live?
2) What is the purpose of this? I mean given, I am entertained. I am enthralled . I'm even blogging whilst I watch this TWO HOUR SPECIAL for a 9 minute performance. But really...what?
3) Ok, he's doing it. He looks like he's in pain and its only been 6 minutes.
4) Why is he CHAINED on top of everything?
5) He is shaking violently. How cool is this?
6) ABC is experiencing technical difficulties NOW. I love it.
7) His lips are blue now. Eww, I don't think that's normal.
8) He didn't make it. He made it only 7 minutes. He's a little upset.
9) I feel really bad for him right now.
10) What an idiot! Who does this and WHY? He could be brain-damaged! Retarded people don't do advanced magic. Ask Neville Longbottom!
11) Who was this guy talking him through it? He's annoying. I bet that's why Blaine couldn't pull it off. He had to come to the surface to tell this guy to shut the *&^% up.
12) How embarrassing...man, the divers had to come in and get him...now he is live on the air, convulsing and breathing into a bag. All this Navy Seal training just to fail to do the 'impossible' in front of the entire nation. AND he lost 50 lbs to do this! I bet he's going to binge eat tomorrow.

13) There are a lot of hot single girls at this thing chanting his name. I am starting to see why this might have been an ok idea.
14) Why the hell did he live in this bubble tank for 177 hours before THIS stunt? He was already like an inch from death! And how did that 1 week work with um, bodily functions? I'm referring of course to masterbation. Who goes that long without doing it?
15) Oh, whoops. I answered my own question. Article. Still...WTF?
16) He is STILL blue.
17) He's talking to the crowd now and his first words are that he's humbled by the support of NYC and he's crying on air. Oh man he's really upset...aww man I feel so bad for him. How touching.
18) What an IDIOT!
19) Now they are saying that he did spend more time underwater than any human being ever this week. Good job.
20) He's got terrible pain in his feet and legs, yet he insists on walking down the ladder. MEN! I don't get it. Doctors said that after being in that tank all week, there really is no way he would be able to stand or walk. He was chained and handcuffed at 8 different parts of his body. Ya know, its a shame he wasn't able to turn all that testosterone into OXYGEN. Plan B, eat some gillyweed and grow some gills like Harry Potter.
21) This is the best part of the show, checking for medical signs and everything seeing if his fingers are numb and if his fingernails are blue and they are showing his hands and the worst case of pruney fingers I have EVER seen, and ABC is ending the show with closing music. ABC sucks! A 2 hour show and then jipped? What-EVER.
22) His skin is sluffing! I'm going to throw up. People are not supposed to live in water! Did he not get this memo?
23) Any of you who've ever read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (YES, I'm still sweating Dan Brown, sorry) have to remember that part where the Cardinal is chained inside in the fountain and you're reading the book from his perspective as he drowns. How chilling is that? The part that struck me most was how his body started to convulse from lack of air right before he drowned to death. I believe that is what I've just witnessed tonight. Oh but his chest wasn't branded with an anagram, so nevermind. ;)
24) I officially liked it better when he was messing with the natives. See former lauralee blog titled: Try, try, try to understand...he's a Magic Man, mama! to see what I'm talking about here.

25) He's blue...he's sluffing...and yet, he's still kind of cute. I think I'm just a sucker for those frighteningly weird guys who would do anything for attention. Ahhhhh. But not Nikki...she's still a pickle-phobe!

Ok...see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya (especially if you're David Blaine).

Leonardohmygodavinci is my homeboy!

AHA! You thought I'd disappear didn't you?! Not so fast 'Oh-Negative-One', I got a little bit-o-nothin to share with you on this dreary Monday.

So, today's blog, like I said, is about nothing important. Much like the "news" I hear on Thursday mornings about what happened on LOST Wednesday night, I'm just going to say random opinionated sh*t about nothing really important or factual and call it "news".

THIS JUST IN!

I want to see The DaVinci Code. I can't WAIT to see The DaVinci Code. This movie (and the book... don't forget, it was based on real literature) is the answer to this generation's cries to the media, "GIVE OUR LIVES MEANING, PLEASE! Teach us about art n' culture n' sh*t, but make it fun and somewhat quotable (ie: Seinfeld and The Simpsons)! Put Tom Hanks in it! Let Ron Howard direct it! Who better to teach us about history's 'factual' events, such as Jesus and Apollo 13 (not to be confused with one another), than OPIE from Andy Griffith?" And, NO, he is never going to escape that stigma. No way, Paw. (everybody whistle: Doo doot doot DOOO doo doot doot DOO dootootdoo Doooo doot doo-doo, doot! )

I read the book a few years ago, around the time that it came out. It was recommended to me like so: "Here, you can have this piece of junk if you want. Its on the best-seller list but I found it highly ridiculous, far-fetched, sacrilegious and offensive. It's hard to follow and I felt nervous the entire time I was reading it. Plus, some of the 'art stuff' could really drag on and on. You don't have to return it. As a Catholic, you probably won't like it either, but it's all the rave."

Exsqueeze me? Holy Grail, SIGN ME UP! I won't say who "recommended" it to me, but it's safe to say that considering the source, I took it as a glowing recommendation which I promptly spent 2 days reading non-stop. I loved it. I'm always reading something, so to stumble upon something that actually engaged me, (in the bleak desert of "Oprah's book club"novels) that wasn't the beacon of light that was the latest installment of Harry Potter, was refreshing and exciting. And, let me just tell you, it was NOT hard to follow. I am the biggest brain-candy addict you will find (for example, I consider reading the cereal box front-to-back a 'good read'), and I loved it and found it fascinating. I also realize its FICTION (sorta). ;) I won't go on but a small rant here, but not only did my "recommender" denounce the book as a religious abomination, the Vatican called for a world-wide boycott of the book, claiming it was "an attack on Christianity itself" and raised the question of dangerous rumor-spreading propaganda versus constructive thought provoking best-seller. WHAT?! How are things getting better when the Vatican is denouncing works of FICTION and trying to make sure no one reads it, lest they believe it and turn on the church? Should we go hide in an attic from Pope Carl Marx the II? What f*cking year is this? What a ridiculous waste of time. I actually heard an ad on the radio this morning from some Christian church, that started with a short excerpt read from Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code, after which the pastor quickly explained to all of us, in a Baltimore accent, that what Mr. Brown wrote is WRONG and offensive. Pastor Insane-o asked his audience, "Hello?! Would hundreds of thousands of people died for their religious belief that Jesus was in fact GOD himself if it weren't' true??? I think not, Mr. Brown." Oh, hmmm I never thought of it that way. Im convinced! BURN YOUR BOOKS!!! To be honest, I didn't really even get the point of what this man was arguing. Was it that The DaVinci Code was a great work of fiction about the controversial history of Christianity and the many theories of free-expression associated with it? Oh wow, thanks for the news flash. Thank you also from author, Dan Brown, for paying a couple Gs to advertise his work! He'll be sure to thank you in his fictional, sacrilegious hedonistic prayers. Doo doot doot DOOO doo doot doot DOO dootootdoo Doooo doot doo-doo, doot!

Dan Brown is a genius. Not only did he spread the religious truth (haha, just kidding) he researched art and religion (Christianity and Paganism alike) enough to make this thriller realistic, he picked a hot topic and a literary timeline that's perfect for a country full of A.D.D. sufferers! 24 hours! Fugitives, murder, police-chases, riddles, puzzles, *corporal mortification, albinos, the Cliff's Notes version of the Louvre...what more could a pop-culture enthusiast (aka: an American) ask for? (Besides Tom Hanks) Hello? Can we say, 'work of art'?

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a huge rant, it was supposed to be all about me. :) So back on topic. I want to see The DaVinci Code! I'm rereading it on the subway and it's almost intriguing enough for me to make it from New Carrollton to Foggy Bottom without obsessing about the wackos on the train and ALMOST interesting enough that I don't angrily focus on the disgusting smells of these people who know nothing of personal hygiene or sanity. I think those two qualities are in fact related. As one diminish, so does the other. That's the DaLaura Code unraveled.

O Foul Metropolitan Devil!
O Lame Homeless Saint!

So, I'm here to share some interesting information regarding The DaVinici Code official movie website. It's cool! And it won't reveal much about the movie, or the book, should you be reading it currently (eh-hem...Dave). I urge you to check out this clip below...an interview of Ron Howard by the ever so cutesy Katie Couric, about the May 19th release. In it is "unseen footage". I really enjoyed it! Its neato. Plus, like I said, it won't ruin anything even if you aren't done with the book. Well, you have to have read at LEAST the first 70 pages. If you haven't then you might see some stuff that you wont understand because um...YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YOU ILLITERATE FOOL! Ok, click here for clip.

Also on that site are pictures of the actors that play the key roles. I'd say for the most part they made good choices. Hopefully we will be able to fuse Tom Hanks and Robert Langdon within the first 5 minutes of the movie without thinking, "I luhv yooo Duh-vin-chee! You and me wuz like peas n' carruts". I for one will have to abstain from imagining the theme song from Bosum Buddies or wondering if Langdon will actually FIND the Zoltar wishing machine that gave him the DaVinci Code that subsequently turned him into an 11 year old boy trapped in the body of a over-educated, pathetically single, 45 year old Harvard Professor. But doubt not! I am up to the challenge. :)

So, who's with me? Who's going to rush to the box office on the 19th like a 'TRL loving' lemming? Sign up now...there's apparently a LOT of insane people who want to sit next to me, whether it be on a crowded metro or a packed movie theater. I wanted YOU crazies to have first pick. I only ask that you please have proper hygiene. Thank you. :)

*corporal mortification - ie: a cilice...what a nice accesory!

Home Alooooooooooone!!!

Gurl, you know it's true! Ohh oooh oooh-hoo I luv yoo(hoo)!

So gurls and boyz, this makes two blogs in three days. Can I get some reckanization up in here? Can you puleeze stop the violence in Dafur for five minutes and read my blog and appreciate? Here's hopin...

Soooooooooooo.....

Guess who is Home Alooooooooone!!! (Psst...it ME. Thought I'd help ya out). No, I am not home alone with McCauley Caulkin but if I were, no doubt he would be teaching me to spell his name correctly in between molesting me or trying to marry me (as if!). No, it's just me, myself and my messes. I had my roommate sent away to a "special" school for being too anal retentive. :) There she will learn to make messes, embrace dirt and dust, and leave her dirty clothes and shoes on the floor or on her bed, strategically pushing them to the side she's not sleeping on before going to bed. I TRIED to teach her all of this, as I have mastered the art myself, but it just didn't seem to be "taking". So thankfully, they had room for one more in Pig-sty camp and she got in! And it was a surprise too...shhhhhh...she thinks she's going to Tampa for a week to visit her parents and soak up the sun. HA! Try, soak up the dirt! Then roll around in it! (Damn I'm almost jealous, it sounds like fun). Just yesterday, a certain sister of mine (it would be wrong of me to say which one) was telling me how she was too tired the night before to wash her feet before going to bed, even at the valiant beseeching of her boy-toy (ie: "Get your nasty dirty feet off my bed please.") Apparently, she was not able to emotionally bring herself to do the task. See, that's what I'm talking about people. She doesn't need to go to this school, she INVENTED this school. Her and everyone like her with dirty feet. My feet are filthy right now as a tribute. Hell yes!

ok, ok, I'm full of crap...she DID go to Florida, but the part about me making messes of astronomical proportions was TRUE! Though, I'm already on my way with my bedroom, thanks to the recent collapse of the shelves in my walk-in closet...waaaaa!

So I'll have to work on the other rooms. Kitchen? Let's take a vote. You comment and tell me which room to mess up and I'll pick "at random". ;) Psyche! :) Nikki if you're reading this...do not panic. I wouldn't dream of letting you come home to a messy house. So that's 4 days to mess and 1 to clean. That's math.

Ok I'm out. Hope y'all read my previous post. I think I blew my creative load on that one given the fact that there is a picture of friggin MCCAULEY CAULKIN on the top of this one. You know you've hit creativity when he's involved. ;)

Later taters...