Dear Santa...

My aunt sent this link to me. Originally I thought, oh haha, that's cute, a mad lib...Ill do it later. But then I just figured, what the heck Ill do it now :) I have time to spare...I'm procrastinating, so natuarlly I welcome this "must do" task. So maybe its the fact Im a little sleepy or just a big goof, but this letter had me laughing. Here is the link: Dear Santa

Here's how mine turned out. Feel free to posts yours in my comment section! Happy Holidays!


To: Santa ClausNorth Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at Dave's Office party. It was Lindsay who spiked the punch with too much moonshine. I can't help it if I drank 35 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like farts.

I thought it was funny when I put Nikki's pashmina on my head and danced the funky chicken on the chaise lounge while singing `Mony Mony'. I didn't mean to break Dave's programable vibrator and don't know why Dave would accuse me of prostitution.

I don't remember calling Ryan T's wife a chubby goat---even though she looked like one with purple eye shadow and puce lipstick!

And when I threw up on Heather C's husband's left nut, it was only because I ate too much of that garlic hummus.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my dirt bike through my neighbor's cellar. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a boney gorilla and have me arrested for flashing!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all hairy and horny. And I'm really not to blame for any of this retarded stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and queerly yours,
Laura (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 69 bucks!

Psst...wanna hear about the 12 inches of magic I got last night???

Yesterday sucked. I think I was just stressed out, overly emotional and being a total girl. I left work late and my back hurt and I was just a miserable bitch all around. By the time I got home I was ready to just crash and have the day be over. BUT...it wasnt. ;) Things got better really quick.

Last night I got home and on my front step was a package (no doubt delivered by OWL POST) tied up in paper and twine with a note tied in ribbon that said :

LAURA LEE

I open it up and its a letter from Mr. Olivander of Olivander's Wand Shop, Diagon Alley, London, England telling me that it was most unusual for him to send a wand to someone, let alone a muggle, but that this particular wand is anxious to find its owner. Me. This letter explains that a friend of mine, who is a well respected wizard, was in his shop recently and said that I have powers that I've yet to recognize and the wand JUMPED out of the box and into his pocket and refused to leave his pocket until Mr. Olivander promised to send it to me, its rightful owner. He said he'd never seen anything like it in 2000 years of wandmaking, so he had unite it with its proper match.

The letter then gave a full appraisal and description of a wand, that it was 12" and had a phoenix feather core, it was made of maple (or at least it said so...tasted like it) and that he'd taken the liberty of enclosing an extra feather from the same bird, since I live in the US and its difficult to get to London, I can take that feather to any respectable wand maker and that shop will make the repairs...the feather would show them all they need to know. haha! At this point, I was in full nerd highgear. The remaining pages include 8 chapters on wand care that were hilarious and so detailed witty. It was amazing.

Then I open the package and its a glass and wood display box with frosted windows, very glittery and inside is a WAND!!! My wand. Its long and thin and wooden and a little glittery and it has a small piece of the phoenix feather protruding from the end where you hold it (since it is 700 years old and supposedly that is a characteristic of an old wand) and the end is silver. The inside of the box is purple velvet that glitters all over. hah! Its perfect for me. :)

Can you believe it?! How creative. It is so intricate and the papers that came with it are all written exactly as if it were sent to a real witch or wizard right out of Harry Potter (and maybe it WAS! hmmmmm) ;) Olivander's seal is on the letter and everything.

So...needless to say...Im happy! I freaked. I sure will say this: there is a little elf out there that worked very hard on this that must love me very much to go to so much trouble in making this early Christmas gift. It's the best gift ever and I'm already trying to realize my power, but I imagine I should start smaller than the "clean my whole room" spell that I'm working on. ;)

THANK YOU soooo much Mr. Olivander....wow...should we ever meet, I will have to find some way to thank you for the best 12" of magic I ever got (at least by mail). :)

Now let's see if I can transfigure Nikki into a digital camera and take some pictures of this bad boy for yeh...

Babies...in a BAR!

the twins in key west having a beer bottle




Beach babies :)








Opps. Well thats one way to learn to swim!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree...

....Da da de daaa dooo dooot doooooooo! I don't know the words to the rest of the first verse. :) Apparently no one does. No one I know at least. I don't know many people though, so...

I haven't been blogging much lately and I went and took a look at some of my old blogs and I realized that on one hand I got the excessive blogging under control, but on the other hand, where for art thou lauralee? I'm feeling stagnant in the creativity department, so let's see what we can do about that...

Prologue: 2005...WTF?!
It's been a hell of a year kiddies and I can't believe its the holidays again. Without being too morose, I will say that last year was practically unbearable. I felt like I must have been constantly surrounded by Dementors. I thought the life had been sucked out of me and I'd never be happy again. Christmas is funny ya know? It's so traditional, yet volatile. It can make me happy as I can be one year, and desperate for it to be over the next. Actually, let me clarify that...I think my holiday mood is circumstantial. Anyway, without dwelling...most of you know, last year was hard. But golly gee willikers, its been an amazing year! Lots of good and some really tough stuff too, but I can safely say that my life has had an 'Extreme Makeover'. And that homo-erectus, Ty, had nothing to do with it. It was all me baby.

So in the spirit of the holidays and the fact that this year I'm happy and hopeful and excited...I'm going to write an "Ode to the Christmas Tree" blog because, that's one of my favorite parts of the holiday; putting together the perfect tree. In the spirit of being Laura Lee, however, I will also pose my usual weird Jerry Seinfeld-esque theories as well as raising many foolish and rhetorical questions. :) It's my job.

The task of putting up the Christmas tree, makes for many interesting queries to ponder: Is erecting the Christmas Tree with someone else indicative of your ability to be able to work together on projects successfully? (and a chance to use the word erecting?) And to delve further, if you happen to constantly encounter snafus and tension in such acts as putting up the tree, is it possible that YOU are incapable of working well with others? Let's examine this in the context of "couples", shall we?

I'm happy to present this composition titled:

"Merry Christmas dammit! I love you but the tree is f*cking crooked!"

I haven't had a tree in 3 years and it's been lousy. Circumstances weren't prime to say the least. BUT, I love having a real tree. The smell, the way it looks when you've put all the lights on, the way I get to look at each and every one of my ornaments, one for every year of my life and "remember". That's just it. Every year I get to look at them and remember all the happy Christmases I've had. Some of my ornaments remind me of sad times, but either way, memories are treasures and mine are priceless.

The History...
This year, Nikki purchased "a high quality artificial tree at a very reasonable price." I'm going to have to quote her there because buying an artificial tree is something I've never been able to really grasp. So needless to say, I've never shopped the "synthetic tree market" for competitive prices, so I'll take her word for it. In my inflated opinion, unless its a health hazard to me (and were talking like BOILS or something), or harmful to someone in my family like a baby (and in some instances, a pet) then I want a real live tree! Though I must say that the pet clause has to be very extreme. Animals adapt very well to things like TREES...mainly due to the fact that ANIMALS ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN THE WILD...so do trees, so under domestic circumstances, doesn't it makes sense that everyone would all just get along? Also, if I had a baby that got into everything (or two!), I suppose I'd consider it, but likely I would think, "Well if the baby pulls a real tree down on him/herself, they can sure as hell pull a FAKE one down on themselves and that's METAL!" So pretty much, I'm a real tree girl and always will be. I have no problems cleaning up the needles if they drop...everyday if need be. I'll water it. I'll even decorate it. In fact, you might even catch me turning towards it and praying 5 times a day. I worship the perfect tree!

But alas, no real tree at my house this year, which is probably just as well because now-a-days I'm never home and the tree might miss me. :) SO, I have to admit I sulked a bit, quietly, because I thought that was a dumb thing to be put out by. But there's a lot behind those feelings, you see. Like I said, I hadn't had a real tree (or any tree) in 2 years and that was a Christmas tradition with my family. It's ingrained in my very being. It makes me happy. I look forward to it all year long and I'm not even kidding. Not having a tree these past two years was sad. Without going too much into it, basically I wasn't in a happy home and I wouldn't have even brought a living tree into that place, let alone children or pets. So, this year, I was really looking forward to Christmas because I'm happy! Happier than I think I've ever been, or at least in a very very long time. That is AMAZING. It's also cause for celebration. So my friend DR (who is one of the reasons that I am very happy this year) offered to have a tree at his house and have it be "our tree". I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I can't actually think of a more awesome gift. Proposing this idea, sums up everything I think and feel about the holidays. So I was really looking forward to doing this together. For the most part... ;)

Tree Trimming Tension...
I anticipated some "tree erecting tension" to be honest. We're still trying the ropes on doing projects together and this was a really good one to test our resolve I think. Harmless, but indicative maybe? Seems like a simple thing: buy the tree, get it home, put it in the stand, enjoy! But damn if it's not the biggest bitch getting that friggin thing in a MF stand every time! Maybe it's my stand, I don't know (zip it DR) haha, but this has been an issue for a long time where arboreal bliss and thelauralee are concerned. I was worried that we would bicker about how to get it in there, how to get it straight, who was going to do what, what was "the front", what was regulation size to be considered "a big gaping hole" in the natural flow of the branches, etc. ;) Plus, pine needles are called needles for a reason. They hurt dammit. This makes me a bit snippy, I'll admit. Not a fan of pain here...hence my penchant for OTC drugs.

In the End...
I'm pleased to report....we survived. Yey! The tree is fanfreakintastic. There were some tense moments. Some funny ones too. Some moments were funny to me and not to him AT ALL...and vice versa. The bottomline is that the tree is up and decorated and its the most beautiful tree I've ever seen. Ever. Maybe everything just seems that much better in his company, but regardless, this is truly the perfect tree.

Back to the secondary point and that is, Why DO people argue about how to get the tree up? I'm starting to think its just me, since no one can really help me substantiate this claim as of yet. I'll admit, part of the issue is that I tend to think that I am a good thinker in situations like that. I mean, give me the SAT and I probably would score "Forrest Gump" levels on that, but give me a tough stain, a broken piece of furniture, a broken pair of glasses, a ripped pair of pants, a nappy spot in the carpet where wax dripped down the dresser during you S&M rituals...you name it, I can fix it. I am just good like that. I can come up with excellent homeopathic cures also and I'm the over the couter queen as I've mentioned! I think part of it is that I just don't give up on those little problems and I try a lot of different things. Another part of it is because I want to do people favors and make them happy when they are frustrated, but also, I think I just have decent common sense when it comes to resolving little meaningless problems and issues (of a non-emotional nature). Maybe I'm wrong. Anyone who's ever disagreed with me or done a project with me might object, haha, but because I think I am good in those areas, I get controlling. I'm not always the best team player. I get set on my proposed solution and I want everyone to agree and help out willingly (and quietly, haha). So, it's hard for me to do projects with people sometimes. It was the same way with my last partner in crime. Be it the Christmas tree, grilling (by all mean do NOT tell that boy anything about grilling lest you suffer his wrath), hooking up electronics, etc., I think men, and Laura, just like to be useful and efficient and in charge. :)

The moral of the story...
I'm working on it. I have to bite my tongue a lot. It's an important lesson that I've unfortunately learned the hard way in many instances, but compromise and teamwork are GOOD THINGS. All people think differently from one another. This is an advantage, not a hindrance. Though supporting the tree with broken headphone wire tied to the curtain rod isn't exactly my preferred method of bracing the tree, ;) it doesn't mean it doesn't A) work! B) matter if its the BEST way or c) help make someone else feel like a problem solver too.

So, as always...I'm a work in progress. This project, and many others might have posed some challenges in "couples teamwork", but the outcome was perfect...so that's all that matters. :)

Thank you so much DR...I love our tree and I miss it all day long! Now let's see what i can so about rounding up a picture of "The Perfect Tree" for youz. ;)

Oh ma gawd! It totally looks just like me!

Here is my Yahoo Avatar, which is Mexican for "cartoon picture that's supposed to look like me but doesn't really" . I obviously cannot change certain physical aspects which is why my legs look like 2 popsicle sticks.


Notice the ambiance. Now that IS me. A tailgate party off the back of a red pick-up. Good times. Judging by my foreign look though, that's probably Dos Equis in the cooler. Go Skins!

I'm in an Eva Cassidy kind of mood today...

Time Is A Healer
sung by Eva Cassidy
I found a picture of your smiling face
Bringing old memories
That I had locked away
The burden of anger
From a heart filled with pain
Was finally lifted
And I smiled at you again

Oh if time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again'
Cause love heals the wound it makes

I spoke such harsh words before our goodbye
Well I wanted to hurt you
For the tears you made you made me cry
All my hopes and dreams
Well they started vanishing
Those tender hurt feelings
Became a dangerous thing

Oh if time is a healer
If time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

All of those years we spent together
Well they’re part of my life forever
I hold the joy with the pain
And the truth is...
I miss you my friend

Well time is a healer
And all hearts that break
All hearts all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

Remember when snow was a GOOD thing?

HEY! YOU! Get offa my blog!

Ok, so I think someone broke onto my blog on Saturday and posted that weird post some of you might have read simply titled: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkke! with no body in the entry.

Very creative title indeed, TRESPASSER! I've just changed my password on Blogger. I tried to make it "getoffofmyblogyoucomputerhackingf*ckwit12345" but it was too long, so I had to make it 1 character shorter. You guess which one. That should keep you busy.

To the person who did this: Seriously, if you want to express yourself (and obviously you have some pent up...err..something) then start your own blog. I don't see why my readers would want to read that. It didn't even make sense. Plus, if that was "Fuuuuuuuuuucccccck!" you spelled it wrong. What you wrote is pronounced "Fuck-ie". Are you Asian? I bet you are. Fuckie fuckie longtime.

And thank you "anonymous" for laughing at it (whoever commented). I get an email on Saturday and the comment is just : hahahahahahahaha! I'm thinking..."WTF? Why would someone comment that on my Iowa boredom blog? Nit wit".

Ya know, it's people like you that make the space aliens think we humans are morons. This reminds me of one of my most bizarre childhood memories. When I was younger, I think like 7 or 8, "Mischief Night", the night before Halloween, was popular I guess you could say. The kids in my neighborhood would do things like, um, I don't know, toilet paper trees, egg cars, hhmmmmm what else, Oh! burn down Mago Vista park 2 years in a row. Good times. One year I watched my dad scrub vandalism off of our home for 8 hours. 8 hours people. That's right. And he's what you might call a "temperamental man" too. I learned at a young age...spray paint is hard to get off of cinderblock and no matter how many times you mutter, "God damn kids" it doesn't come off any faster. We used to have this cinderblock wall that led up the stairs to the front door (some of you may remember it). In the morning, we innocent Lee's woke up to find the word SEX spray painted in red on that wall. Just...SEX. Mind you, the lettering was 3 feet tall and what the artistic world of spray paint vandalism might refer to as "bolded". That's first degree vandalism, going over it multiple times like that. What I didn't get, never did get, and still don't get now is: Why SEX? Who cares? Its not a cuss word. It's a rather technical term. I mean it could have said F*CK, SH*T, A*S, B*TCH, MOTHER F-ER, (it wouldn't have all fit), A*SH*LE, C*CK GOBBLER...anything really but no...just SEX. Stupid really. I'm sure it was quite hilarious to the wacky-tabacky smoking goons who did it, but I'm not impressed. Get some talent and then write it on your own wall! Cuz, homey...I don't get it!

MUCH like the "Fuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccke!" entry. Hooligan.

Aburrimiento Extremo

...Ennui...Langeweile...however you want to say it, Im suffering from it: Boredom. I'm in Des Moines, Iowa. Good times. And what's more is, there's like 6" of snow on the ground and its 20 degrees American or what some "people" call "Fahrenheit". If you'd like to know what it is in Canadian, please see The Stargate Humper (sorry E, I couldn't resist using your new fundy-issued nomenclature). He happens to have the formula for converting temperature from American to Canadian. ;) I know it to be true because he attempted to school me on it this morning, insisting that that was in fact -6.6666666 degrees "Celsius", aka "Canadian". Luckily, it did not take and I retained nothing. Whew. That's so "European" of you to know that E...and very "American" of me not to. So we're all in check. ;)

Ok so I'm still sooooooooo bored. I am here on business and I don't have all my DC coworkers to help lay on the pressure and work anxiety and I don't have a car! Not that I could drive it here anyway. The snow is the same consistency of cocaine. I mean what I would expect coke to look like. Yeah. Ok let's use "baby powder". Are we more comfortable with that analogy?

I'm staying in a beautiful hotel (Marriott, Des Moines) though, being the codependant lump of matter that I am, I'm lonely and bored there too. Woe is me. haha I think I might take a bubble bath and read some more Harry Potter tonight. Though I have to admit preemptively, that I have a feeling that's something that is much better in theory than in practice (as I just got a vision of me cussing and crying as I fish around in the bubbles for The Order of the Phoenix, having just dropped it in the tub with me). I don't suppose that will dry by Saturday.

Ok, I'm actually so bored that I'm now void of anything interesting to say. I'm just using you to take up time. ;) Additionally, its only 4:14 pm here right now. That's 5:14 pm Eastern-American. This is the longest day ever.

WAIT! JAILBREAK! Someone just offered to take me back to the hotel and for drinks! Woopie! I'm out. Later worker-bees!

.......................ok, I'm back. Yeah, that was a short excursion. I've decided that I should keep a diary of my boredom for you. Ive determined that the things that run through my head when I'm bored are certifiably insane and I should most definitely relieve myself of these thoughts by dumping them on you. :) All timestamps are Central American Time ;) I plan to just keep signing on and updating the diary as the night progresses (or doesn't progress rather).

5:47 pm: I've been in my room about 30 minutes and I've done everything fun there is to do. I signed on to the free highspeed and checked to see if my new security token works (which it does, and this is a GOOD thing). This should allow me to sign on to the network for my company anywhere that has internet. This is favorable for working long hours, not only at my desk but on what would be my personal time. Told ya it was a good thing. ha.

6:02 pm: I managed to check all the movies that are available on the TV (for the ever so unexpected low price of $10.99 + tax!) and now feel that will have to be a last resort. I can't justify $13 for a movie. what-eva. So I then cruise all the "self-help" programs that they offer and I've decided that I don't really care to know the top 9 mistakes made during presentations, how to make a quick buck, how to deal with difficult people or how to have a better marriage (courtesty of the Mars-Venus dude). I can easily tell um, you, like, the um, 9, er mistakes that um....whats the word? oh that people MAKE during like presentations, ya know? I KNOW how to make a quick buck and I prefer to do that in DC where I can get more bang for my buck IF ya know what I mean (plus my clientele is just so reliable there), I AM a difficult person, so I don't need to learn how to deal with myself. I doubt anyone could teach me that...especially in a 90 minute video. And last but not least...how to have a better marriage. Oh you mean better than the FIRST one? ha...I hardly see how that will help me now, Mr. Mars-Penis. So then I "perused" the adult films. $14 + tax (but you can fast forward, rewind and pause, so really isn't it worth it?) The titles of these movies were good for a giggle. A 3 minutes giggle. Oh goodie. Only 13 more hours to fill. I then decided to cruise the TV channels. Do you know that I have FOUR ESPN's and no MTV? No VH1, no MTV 1, 2, 3, 4 or 58. No Inferno, no Made, no Run's House. No VH1 classic. I do however, have ESPN Classic so I can watch USC beat UCLA 22 to 21 in err...looks like 1981. The most exciting part of that game was hearing the word "Trojan" every other word. tee hee. Jeff Daniels is in the studio next to tell everyone about his obsession with the Red Wings for 35 minutes, with no commercials. Wow. Good thing he's not going to talk about making Dumb and Dumber, because that would be too interesting for me and you wouldn't get such a long entry about my boredom.

7:01 pm: Ive just noticed that I got a new bottle of Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy shampoo and conditioner, but they've added a body lotion and mouthwash today. I'm elated.

7:05 pm: Hey! They took my bubblebath though! :( Do you think I could use shampoo for bubble bath or would that be a total disaster?

7:31 pm: I've just now turned to HBO and there is a movie on with Cedric the Entertainer and Vanessa Williams (my God her acting is scrumptulescent) and I'm starting to notice that it is the black version of National Lampoons Summer Vacation. Down to the comedic mishaps that put Cedric in a hot tub with 5 naked co-eds only to be discovered by his loving wife. Whoops! hahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. It was hilarious the first time when it was Chevy Chase in the pool with Christy Brinkley. Luckily though two things are happening here: Little Bow-wow is in this. Thank God. I was wondering what happened to that little rascal! Secondly, I seemed to have picked up this movie exactly where I left off at 7:30am this morning when I left for work. It's like no time has elapsed. Ya know, nothing helps boredom better than stopping time.

7:45 pm: I'm hungry. Should I order a $42 steak? I'm more of a "Eat Mor Chikin" girl myself. Bummer.

7:55 pm: "If you build it.....he will come."

8:30 pm: I ordered dinner. That guy who took my order was nice. Also, as Lindsay used to say (and this would crack me up), he sounded hot. Especially when he asked how I wanted my chicken done. I said in a really breahy voice, "All the way...BABY." Yeah! ;) I also ordered the movie Bewitched. So far its cute. I dont know if its worth the money but it kept me from ordering porn. Plus Will Ferrell is in it. Win win.

8:42 pm: My steak has a sign in it that says, "Med. Rare" in it and its shaped like a cow. Im keeping it.

9:31 pm: OOOOOOhhhhhh...I'm full. That was excellent. That steak was steaktastic. It was so tender and juicy mmmmmmm...I need a steak nap. By the way, Bewitched is actually VERY funny. I'm really laughing hard at some parts. That Will Ferrell is a real jokester.