A Monkey With A Bell On Her Tail
...could easily replace me in all my endeavors, but you be the judge...
Friday, August 19, 2005
100 Heeeelarious Ways to Order Pizza
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica! 's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say ! "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26.Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an eve! n trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't tak e any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fa! ke entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."


Thursday, August 18, 2005
Contest
Give this picture a caption. The best response I get wins a "secret prize". :) This secret prize thing seems to work at Curves, to I'm going to try it out on you...good luck...I hope I get some repsonses, I cant wait. It doesnt have to be witty or funny...just gimme whatcha got!


I keed! I keed!



Triumph goes to the Star Wars Espisode II premeire to hang with the uberdorks. You will laugh like a hot little Porter Collie in heat! It's perfect...for me to poop on.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005
It's Hump Day. Let's get ta humpin!

Some funny links pour vous!


*Richard Simmons on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

*Afroninja

*Wahda wahda waaaaaahhh!!! ESPN Football

*Make your own Caption WINNERS (check out contest 4 first!)
* the videos are pretty funny too!


Monday, August 15, 2005
9 days, 2 hours, 21 minutes and 4 seconds...
tick tock tick tock....

But who's counting? ;) I put in my 2 weeks notice this morning. Can I just say that there are a multitude of USDA approved barbituates in our pharmaceutical system that were created for people just like me? I'm an anxiety pill producers meal-ticket.

I get nervous folks. Something upcoming that's looming with eminent doom?...I worry. Something great coming up but that will require some feat of strength whether it be emotional or physical?...I worry. Someone jumps out from behind the bathroom door and scares me? ...I shit my pants and then am mad for an hour. My gas needle is practically on E?...I bite all my nails off in anticipatory angst. In the words of the 80's band Scandal, "I am the Worrier!" Oh hmm wait, maybe they are saying "Warrior"? Well I've always sang it as "worrier" so why stop now? I'm a high strung broad. ;)

So needless to say I was a freakazoid all day yesterday (sorry to he who had to be around that, do you see what you're dealing with now?) worrying my little head off about "worse case scenarios". Still my date proceeded to say the same simple thing I get from just about everyone with sense and that is, "yeah...but..you can really DO anything about any of that right now, so the worrying is pointless." He's right! Tell it to my digestive system! :( So I worried all day about how putting in my 2 weeks notice at TA would go, imagining the worst such as being given the Peoples Elbow, Rock style, by a very short man who also happens to be my boss, so being set on fire, to being locked in the back conference room for two weeks with no gingerale or if it goes as bad as I THINK, he'd fire me on the spot. I am slightly mental you see. :) But Im a hell of a marketer and I'm gonna kick ass at my new job! (but Ive already started to worry about that preemtively too, so rest assured, I got that worrying covered) ;)

I basically put it off all morning, editing my resignation letter...telling everyone on the planet about it first...being a total chicken (bakaw!), when finally I decided that I had to do this before lunch; I needed to just get up, waltz in there with my letter in hand and do the deed. So anyway, it went perfectly fine and very civil and even PLEASANT. So that goes to show ya how much more medication I need to be on just to live a normal life. ohhh dear...

I'm excited though. I do feel as is a huge weight is lifted off of me. This new job is a great offer and I'm excited about it totally. I've already been getting Happy Hour invitations from many existing DC workers and THIS I am excited about. So things are great for thelauralee right now. I am so very happy. I thought it was a good idea for me to TELL YOU how happy I was and how well I am doing, given the fact that I'm very regularly bitching and moaning on here. You gotta ger the good AND the bad. :)

Thanks again for all the congratulatory emails and phone calls!!! Youre the best. I wont forget you when I'm a millionaire... ;)

Songs of the Week:
Walkin on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
So In Love - Perry Como
Bless the Broken Road - Rascall Flatts
True - Ryan Cabrera
The Warrior - Scandal


Thursday, August 11, 2005
WE GOT ONNNNNNNNNNNE!!!
...in the words of Jane Melnitz in Ghostbusters!

I can't give you all the details now, but I want you all to know, I got the job offer from the NASD today! Its PHENOMENAL! I will tell you all about it soon, individually and on here. I wont be around tonight, but I will tomorrow during the day. Sorry to spout off my schedule, I just didn't want you blowin up my phone unanswered. ;)

I am SO happy! This is such good news and SUCH good timing. I cant tell you how excited I am! Yey for me.

Now...Cool n' the Gang says we should "celebrate good times...come on!" So lets do it! I will start thinking of some ideas but I want to have a big party to celebrate. Maybe I can make it at my dad's house or something...hmmmm...

Thank you ALL for your support and encouragement and love. I love you and I'm soooooo happy!

Later fans...
LL ;)


Friday, August 05, 2005
Hello little girl!
Guess who that is :) What a lil angel.

That's Chris in her belly. He did eventually come out and he was only a bit smaller than he is now ;)

1980 ruled. :) Speaking of 80's...try your luck at this quiz below and see how you do! Easy on the Google searches though...try it AU NATCHERALL...

80's Lyrics Quiz

Song of the Day:

Hello Little Girl - The Beatles



Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I'm not toadily hoppy..but looking at the brightside...things could be warts.










I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss!

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
He takes off her dress now,
letting ME go!

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control - Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'!
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss!

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
Letting ME go!

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control - Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'
Cause I'm Mr Brightside
I never...I never...I never...

Songs of the Day:
You Belong to Me - Carly Simon
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Symth & Don Henley
Don't Worry Baby - The Beach Boys
Mr. Brightside - The Killers


Monday, August 01, 2005
Take this job and...LOVE it!

Don't shove it...love it folks. Love it. ;) In honor of my recent reprimanding and practical demotion and the restructuring of who is my boss now and who is not, I would like to recite this Ode to my Job. (ehem)





I LOVE MY JOB

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
(cuz there's a lot of them now!)
I love my office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,

And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my JOB- I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men...
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!!

:) Later Bloggies...I've got work to do and the HAWKS are watching. Cacaw! Check out this
inspiring article about making your ho-hum job into the job of your dreams!

Also check out this OTHER article about the probability of
making monkey fly out of your butt. The later seems a bit more "doable" but thats just my opinion and I'm a peon.

Songs of the Day:
Take This Job and Shove it - Johnny Paycheck (cept he meant LOVE it)
Happy Worker - Tori Amos

ps: Happy CIVIC DAY Canada, whatever the hell that is. Enjoy your day off from the jobs YOU love so much! ;) Make sure you honor your civics (Honda Civics that is).