Naked? No…I do believe it’s ‘f*cked up’, but let me ask ma boy Ad Rock and get back to youz, B-more style. You know, one time (not at band camp) I had Brass Monkey. It tasted exactly like lemon furniture polish and YES, I do know what that tastes like, thank you. My parents were on a first name basis with the people who worked for Poison Control for the duration of our childhood and adolescence. Once I ate a whole patch of poisonous mushrooms and my mom had to give me Epicac Syprup to make me throw up in the parking lot of Giant so it would happen soon since I’d eaten so many. There were a lot there! What’s a girl to do? I was shroomin all right. My brother ate 3 lbs of sand one summer at Myrtle beach and a roll of pennies another time, but he did take the pennies out of the paper before he swallowed them. Imagine those diaper changes. Erin and Chris both individually took gigantic swigs out of liquor bottles as children and proceeded to make that breathless, “hufffffff!!!” noise and then be drunk. It had taken their breath away…and also gave them a penchant for the sauce as well…but that’s a different story.
This entry won’t be blogtastic. I find that as the days go on, I am really just only exciting for one week and then I‘ve just said all I have to say that’s interesting. I’m no longer your ‘made to order’ Laura Lee, but rather a very convenient, ‘off the shelf/over the counter’ version. My blogarrhea has subsided so this is good I guess. Good times.
So kids, long weekend ahhhhhhhhh. It was a nice, but I hate coming back after a holiday weekend. What a total drag. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on dee drum all day! Or just bang all day...yeah, that’s actually better, though drums are fun…so I hear ;)
I have something to tell you. I finally had great Chipotle on Friday and it was amazing…so hot. It had been a while since I’d had it as you all know and I tried to practice Chipotle abstinence, but I was just there and in the moment and we got all swept up in one another and we just went crazy. I think you know, it was in my mouth in no time at all, filling me up…omg I am so weird, I have to stop now. haha I of course think this is funny but I am warped.
So, the title of today’s blog stems from the not so tall tale you are about to hear from the serial yakker. Nik and I went and looked at our new place on Sunday (which by the way is AWESOME and you are all invited over like the minute we move in!) and I should have known this day was going to be weird anyway, because Nikki apparently had the Ebola virus in her eye, or what she was thinking might be dirt or something, and it got under her contact and within 30 mins had her looking like One-Eyed Willy cept without the rich-stuff. She wasn’t happy about it either, considering she could only see the new place out of one eye, not to mention it was progressively getting worse and it continued for hours on end until finally we brought her back some saline solution and an eye patch. It wasn’t so much because we were tired of being looked at out of one eye (this is uncomfortable for some) but rather, so I could tell her that they ran out of solution but, “Here is your eye-patch Capt Ron!” She didn’t really laugh, but rather proceeded to not be happy about the solution being absent (which we did quickly tell her we were kidding) but she did in fact put on the patch and then began to justify to us in a very serious fashion how this is actually a good idea and helpful for her eye and just overall, the holistic solution to the freaky painful eye dilemma. All the while…she’s wearing the eye patch. hahaha It was hard to take mad-eye moody seriously with this adornment, but it did eventually come off. She left it at my house, so if anyone ever needs an eye patch or wants to play Pirates with me or something, then swing on by and I’ll hook you up…save you $2.59.
Ok, so that was incident #1. Incident #2 was the two supreme pizzas that magically made their way into my front door. Ok, I love me sum pizza, who doesn’t? but 1) I don’t eat it much (or not as much as I’d like) and 2) I’ve never had pizza with everything on it. Never. I’m a simple pizza girl. Lots of things happening at once, tend to confuse me and my body, not to mention I have the digestive system of a 75 year old man. Incident #3 was the massive amounts of wine I bought and then continued to consume like Gatorade. I bought 2 bottles, one industrial size and one regular. Had a great night…lots of fun and decided to go to bed but then my body decided that instead I should run downstairs as fast as I could to commence puking. Yes, I yakked. I yakked all that pizza up (so that pizza might not count calorie-wise, but the pizza I ate the next day like the moron I am will). But alas, don’t fret! There is good news yet! If you aren’t sufficiently grossed out, let me continue. I wanted Nikki to be witness to this yakperience with me, because nothing says, “I love you, thanks for coming over.” more than throwing up. So she does get involved and, this is the climax…ask her, she will share in the glorious news with you! I might have to credit the pizza a little for this accomplishment, but there was NO scream-barfing! Yey! My ex-favorite extreme sport! As it’s been posted on here, I have a reputation for being the loudest puker you will ever know, who throws up with such force that I have emerged from cinderblock bathrooms with little hickeys from straining and welcomed back to the party by Nikki yelling “I need a young priest and an old priest! The power of Christ compels you!” and flailing her arms in what I think might be the sign of the cross. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it since I am such a negligent Catholic. So yeah, hooray for me! It was quiet. She praised me afterwards and said that was the quietest she’s ever heard it and she’s so proud…oh and here’s some water.
So yeah—I was a bit hung-over yesterday but obviously I had no aversion to the pizza, because any logical person would again eat something that made them bow to the porcelain God the night before. I just 86ed the 40 gallons of wine this time and we were golden. So that’s the barf saga of the week (I hope). Please write me your puke stories on my comments! I want to hear! If I go on there tomorrow and it’s all stories of me throwing up, I’m not going to be impressed. haha just a warning! (or is this just an invitation…or double dog dare?)
One last incident to complete the bizarre incidents of this weekend…well not an incident, but just a total Laurathing to do. So I had some people over on Sunday and we partied, we laughed, we puked (some of us) and it was a late night so I had decided that since they were all of work the next day, I would call out that day. So I get up at 6:30am and call in and leave a message for our HR Director that I would be out and call me on my cell if they needed anything. Well I proceeded to have a pizza and Gingerale filled day, and was thinking it was quite odd that they hadn’t called me one during the whole day, but I put it out of my mind. So today I come in…I do the guilty ‘I took off work because I got drunk” tip-toe into my office and laid low. This afternoon I get a call from the HR lady saying that she’d just now gotten my voicemail and that I don’t need to worry about filling out a vacay slip because our offices were CLOSED yesterday for the holiday! I then accuse her of pulling my leg. But it’s true! I had off yesterday and I didn’t even KNOW! I was like hatin on my job all weekend unjustly. So, to my job, I say, I’m sorry. I love you jobby. Forgive me. Me not so smart. Who does this? I am so out of the loop it’s not even funny.
Lastly, last night was my first night working at Curves. It was easy, a little boring but a little bit awesome. I was trying to find out ways in which I could sneak in a workout while I was working, and it turns out that they actually encourage that! It’s not mandatory, but they encourage it. So basically I am going to get paid to work out and walk around and socialize. How phat is that? Speaking of fat, I have gained too much weight over the holidays and I should receive 40 whacks, but instead I will just start hanging out at the gym like Jemima J or something (the chicks know who I am talking about here). Basically someone who was obsessed with working out and also quite mental but beautiful…is this not me? :)
I hope you found today’s entry sufficiently offensive. I’m sure the women did and to you men reading this…I’ve got the clincher right here: recently I confessed my disdain for both barbeque sauce and strawberry Yoohoo to one of my male supporters and he’s thinking over whether or not he still wants to be associated with me. So I give you the same option and also take advantage of this chance to offend you and say that I don’t like barbeque sauce and yoohoo and you are all SHEEP…men are all cut from the same mold. It’s a BBQ mold. If I were a man and said that I didn’t like those two things, you would probably stone me and bury me with my ass in the air so people could kick it a lot. But for now I think it will just make you think less of me, which was the whole intention of the blog anyway, so did I accomplish this mission? Let me know! You’re comments are “appreciated”.
Ok jokers…I’m outta here. Peace and puking to you all…
Oh and by the way: do check out the Chipotle website, espceially their ads...heelarious!
Things I Am Thankful For:
People who pass-out in the middle of some specific activity (this is always good for a laugh)
Aleve
Gingerale (hey, I mean it today…it makes your belly not hurt so bad when you drink a river of wine)
Eye patches (good for parties and covering up mutated eyes)
Songs of the Day:
My Own Worst Enemy – Lit (purrrrrfect)
Party Til You Puke – Saxon
Blue Comb ‘78 – 5 Iron Frenzy (please check this one out; It will remind you of your childhood. OR it will remind you of mine!)
Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys
This entry won’t be blogtastic. I find that as the days go on, I am really just only exciting for one week and then I‘ve just said all I have to say that’s interesting. I’m no longer your ‘made to order’ Laura Lee, but rather a very convenient, ‘off the shelf/over the counter’ version. My blogarrhea has subsided so this is good I guess. Good times.
So kids, long weekend ahhhhhhhhh. It was a nice, but I hate coming back after a holiday weekend. What a total drag. I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on dee drum all day! Or just bang all day...yeah, that’s actually better, though drums are fun…so I hear ;)
I have something to tell you. I finally had great Chipotle on Friday and it was amazing…so hot. It had been a while since I’d had it as you all know and I tried to practice Chipotle abstinence, but I was just there and in the moment and we got all swept up in one another and we just went crazy. I think you know, it was in my mouth in no time at all, filling me up…omg I am so weird, I have to stop now. haha I of course think this is funny but I am warped.
So, the title of today’s blog stems from the not so tall tale you are about to hear from the serial yakker. Nik and I went and looked at our new place on Sunday (which by the way is AWESOME and you are all invited over like the minute we move in!) and I should have known this day was going to be weird anyway, because Nikki apparently had the Ebola virus in her eye, or what she was thinking might be dirt or something, and it got under her contact and within 30 mins had her looking like One-Eyed Willy cept without the rich-stuff. She wasn’t happy about it either, considering she could only see the new place out of one eye, not to mention it was progressively getting worse and it continued for hours on end until finally we brought her back some saline solution and an eye patch. It wasn’t so much because we were tired of being looked at out of one eye (this is uncomfortable for some) but rather, so I could tell her that they ran out of solution but, “Here is your eye-patch Capt Ron!” She didn’t really laugh, but rather proceeded to not be happy about the solution being absent (which we did quickly tell her we were kidding) but she did in fact put on the patch and then began to justify to us in a very serious fashion how this is actually a good idea and helpful for her eye and just overall, the holistic solution to the freaky painful eye dilemma. All the while…she’s wearing the eye patch. hahaha It was hard to take mad-eye moody seriously with this adornment, but it did eventually come off. She left it at my house, so if anyone ever needs an eye patch or wants to play Pirates with me or something, then swing on by and I’ll hook you up…save you $2.59.
Ok, so that was incident #1. Incident #2 was the two supreme pizzas that magically made their way into my front door. Ok, I love me sum pizza, who doesn’t? but 1) I don’t eat it much (or not as much as I’d like) and 2) I’ve never had pizza with everything on it. Never. I’m a simple pizza girl. Lots of things happening at once, tend to confuse me and my body, not to mention I have the digestive system of a 75 year old man. Incident #3 was the massive amounts of wine I bought and then continued to consume like Gatorade. I bought 2 bottles, one industrial size and one regular. Had a great night…lots of fun and decided to go to bed but then my body decided that instead I should run downstairs as fast as I could to commence puking. Yes, I yakked. I yakked all that pizza up (so that pizza might not count calorie-wise, but the pizza I ate the next day like the moron I am will). But alas, don’t fret! There is good news yet! If you aren’t sufficiently grossed out, let me continue. I wanted Nikki to be witness to this yakperience with me, because nothing says, “I love you, thanks for coming over.” more than throwing up. So she does get involved and, this is the climax…ask her, she will share in the glorious news with you! I might have to credit the pizza a little for this accomplishment, but there was NO scream-barfing! Yey! My ex-favorite extreme sport! As it’s been posted on here, I have a reputation for being the loudest puker you will ever know, who throws up with such force that I have emerged from cinderblock bathrooms with little hickeys from straining and welcomed back to the party by Nikki yelling “I need a young priest and an old priest! The power of Christ compels you!” and flailing her arms in what I think might be the sign of the cross. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it since I am such a negligent Catholic. So yeah, hooray for me! It was quiet. She praised me afterwards and said that was the quietest she’s ever heard it and she’s so proud…oh and here’s some water.
So yeah—I was a bit hung-over yesterday but obviously I had no aversion to the pizza, because any logical person would again eat something that made them bow to the porcelain God the night before. I just 86ed the 40 gallons of wine this time and we were golden. So that’s the barf saga of the week (I hope). Please write me your puke stories on my comments! I want to hear! If I go on there tomorrow and it’s all stories of me throwing up, I’m not going to be impressed. haha just a warning! (or is this just an invitation…or double dog dare?)
One last incident to complete the bizarre incidents of this weekend…well not an incident, but just a total Laurathing to do. So I had some people over on Sunday and we partied, we laughed, we puked (some of us) and it was a late night so I had decided that since they were all of work the next day, I would call out that day. So I get up at 6:30am and call in and leave a message for our HR Director that I would be out and call me on my cell if they needed anything. Well I proceeded to have a pizza and Gingerale filled day, and was thinking it was quite odd that they hadn’t called me one during the whole day, but I put it out of my mind. So today I come in…I do the guilty ‘I took off work because I got drunk” tip-toe into my office and laid low. This afternoon I get a call from the HR lady saying that she’d just now gotten my voicemail and that I don’t need to worry about filling out a vacay slip because our offices were CLOSED yesterday for the holiday! I then accuse her of pulling my leg. But it’s true! I had off yesterday and I didn’t even KNOW! I was like hatin on my job all weekend unjustly. So, to my job, I say, I’m sorry. I love you jobby. Forgive me. Me not so smart. Who does this? I am so out of the loop it’s not even funny.
Lastly, last night was my first night working at Curves. It was easy, a little boring but a little bit awesome. I was trying to find out ways in which I could sneak in a workout while I was working, and it turns out that they actually encourage that! It’s not mandatory, but they encourage it. So basically I am going to get paid to work out and walk around and socialize. How phat is that? Speaking of fat, I have gained too much weight over the holidays and I should receive 40 whacks, but instead I will just start hanging out at the gym like Jemima J or something (the chicks know who I am talking about here). Basically someone who was obsessed with working out and also quite mental but beautiful…is this not me? :)
I hope you found today’s entry sufficiently offensive. I’m sure the women did and to you men reading this…I’ve got the clincher right here: recently I confessed my disdain for both barbeque sauce and strawberry Yoohoo to one of my male supporters and he’s thinking over whether or not he still wants to be associated with me. So I give you the same option and also take advantage of this chance to offend you and say that I don’t like barbeque sauce and yoohoo and you are all SHEEP…men are all cut from the same mold. It’s a BBQ mold. If I were a man and said that I didn’t like those two things, you would probably stone me and bury me with my ass in the air so people could kick it a lot. But for now I think it will just make you think less of me, which was the whole intention of the blog anyway, so did I accomplish this mission? Let me know! You’re comments are “appreciated”.
Ok jokers…I’m outta here. Peace and puking to you all…
Oh and by the way: do check out the Chipotle website, espceially their ads...heelarious!
Things I Am Thankful For:
People who pass-out in the middle of some specific activity (this is always good for a laugh)
Aleve
Gingerale (hey, I mean it today…it makes your belly not hurt so bad when you drink a river of wine)
Eye patches (good for parties and covering up mutated eyes)
Songs of the Day:
My Own Worst Enemy – Lit (purrrrrfect)
Party Til You Puke – Saxon
Blue Comb ‘78 – 5 Iron Frenzy (please check this one out; It will remind you of your childhood. OR it will remind you of mine!)
Brass Monkey - Beastie Boys
1 Comments:
Sweet Jesus, I laughed my *ss of reading today's entry. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home