why do we do f*cked up things when we are hurt or scared?

did i say we? oh i meant me :(

i’d like to believe i am a trusting and positive person by nature who tries to see the good in everyone and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i just don’t think i am her, if i ever was. if y’all feel differently, please feel free to step in here and disagree, though you are prolly more familiar with my other more prevalent, glowing characteristic which is bull-headedness when challenged, so maybe just…don’t. haha i am an incorrigible asshole and i will assume we all agree and proceed…

i don’t trust anyone and i expect everyone to trust me. ridiculous. why cant i just focus in on my job, little household projects, maybe even some safe hobby like knitting or something that doesn’t hurt people or end up putting me in situations where i feel like crap or used? people do it all around me, workaholics really…but no…i’m always swarming with some sort of exciting sexual, social or family drama. how do i protect myself and not hurt other people? seriously, cuz if you know, float me some hope. in the most extreme recesses of my overzealous mind, lies my greatest fear which hasn’t change since i was 5 for the most part: that someone i love and care about wont love and care about me and they will screw me over in effigy and i better be ready. and here’s where it goes to the next level… it will be because they discovered this horrible trait i have that hasn’t surfaced yet. what trait is it? i don’t even know!? which makes this even crazier, but i just go ahead and assume it’s obvious to everyone else and walk around in fear of it. make sense? um, no. ok so basically i am afraid of something i don’t even know to be real, yet i seem to have no qualms about posting my biggest fear on the world wide web. haha niiiiiiiiice.

a few people hurt me pretty bad in my life and then i in turn, hurt others because i am afraid. my friends have gotten on me for years for my negativity and distrust bordering on paranoia but i always view it as a way to protect my very delicate sensitive heart. under all this sarcasm and joking, lies a very fragile soul, you MF’s! ;) well, you were right…it backfired. again. i didn’t trust someone on a hunch. i knew my intuition was telling me not to for a reason, but holy shit! am i actually supposed to go with my gut here on things now? look where it’s gotten me so far! i aint sittin pretty. so i went the extra step to reinforce my suspicious nature, to avoid getting hurt and i don’t know which felt worse…in the end it was lose, lose. and these little traumas are hardly something i cant recover from, but being hurt myself…multiple times, i'm having a really hard time with the fact that i did that to someone else out of distrust. given, i had good reason not to trust this person, but where and when did something so good get so fucked up? maybe it was at that moment. i guess this is the part where i simply let it go. all of it.

so, this is to you, you know who you are, if you are reading this…i didn’t mean to hurt you or make you feel like a fool. i know what that feels like, it’s been done to me and obviously i haven’t recovered. i am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. it was about me, not you. i’m a work in progress. maybe one day you will all love me anyway.

songs of the day:
let it flow - toni braxton (fuck it, the whole secrets album will do)
the promise - when in rome
crawling - linkin park


oh and by the way you smart asses, that lil dude up at the top of this post happens to be a walking broken heart with a face, which is how i feel today…he is not, in fact a “walking chickpea" or a "human ass with legs”, although thank you for your input and yes…it’s true. chickpeas look like little butts.