The Inner Workings of the Mind of a Cereal Dater

OBEY MY DOG!!!

HH made a good point today and that was…maybe one shouldn’t write in one’s blog when one doesn’t have anything positive to say or when one might be feeling like they might be overly expressive given the forum. So, naturally, that made me want to Bloooooooooooog!

Yesterdays blog was absolutely nauseating. That would have made Sadaam Hussien feel bad for me and that’s not what I’m aiming at here (appearing pitiful, I don’t mean to say I don’t want Sadaam’s love…who wouldn’t?) So yesterday was dismal, campers…I’m sorry. Today will be a little more lighthearted, even though I am still feeling very forlorn. But life is fun, si? Si. I can surely convey points that couldn’t be deep if they tried. For instance, the dog above. I have to say right this instant that I love Will Ferrell.

So I’m pretty T.O.ed as Kip in “the movie” would say and I am moving through the stages of loss rapidly. I took a number of Sociology classes, having f*cked around a lot at the beginning of my college career and not picking a major. I had Schultz at AACC before I went to York (any of you remember her? She was awesome!) and she was a big Kubler-Ross fan with the whole Stages of Loss/Sequence of Emotions bit. They are: http://www.uwsp.edu/education/wkirby/ntrprsnl/KRstages.htm

Denial – of which I am the queen of…call me Cleopatra! ;)
Anger – yeah…no problems there, that’s where I am now: T.O.ed
Bargaining – actually, I think I may actually have hit bargaining before anger…or maybe I just like to flip flop around between them to mix it up a bit.
Depression – two words: Tylenol PM
Acceptance – this sort of just happens by default I think. This is where the concept of time wounding all heals comes into play.

Maybe I really don’t ever fully accept things, but rather my ADD kicks into full force and I just forget about things because I have a new slew of balls in the air. I’m a juggler in case you haven’t noticed ;)

To tell you the truth, I can go through all of these stages in one conversation. It may take 5 hours, but I’ll go through them all very clearly. If I could go back and listen to a recording of any of my breakups (totaling, ummm…3) you bet your sweet ass I went through them all. Oh and I always like to reserve the right to renig the acceptance part and pick up in anger or depression again for a few hours. ;) Wherz the drinking stage? I tend to float in and out of that too. I recall Lindsay saying to me 6 months ago, “Laura….I feel that you are masking your feelings with drugs and alcohol, and I am a little worried, but I’m just going to observe for now and hope this is a stage. I think it is.” What stage is that? Age 14 to now? haha Quite a run I would say. She was right though. I am a total narcotizer. Tom says in my comments to go on a date to nip that in the bud. Ok, great idea and maybe I will, but let me walk you through the thoughts and the mental images I got when you said that:

It aint gonna be hard to find a date. Men are complicated and yet so easy. You can close the book on them at an early stage (as long as you didn’t hurt them) and then reopen it a little down the road with little to no effort. So I can reopen a bag or two or maybe go out and find a new date. Maybe I will find one at the VAGINA Monologues like Nasty Nikki seems to think. Sure…if I like bumpin tacos with femi-nazis I will. Ok, so I secure my cardboard-cut-out-date, insert date, and then the following is highly likely to occur: I do all the work. I entertain him. I pick the place. I pick the time. If he had his way, I would even pick out his outfit. Then, knowing me, I would meet him somewhere so that he won’t know where I live. I’m thru that phase of bringing a stranger in so they can shit in my nest. Uh uh. And this is prolly good news for you Nik ;) So, yeah…I’m late as I would always purposefully be for a first date/meeting (and pretty much every time thereafter). Then we will awkwardly sit down or get a drink. I will surely pay for my drink and his or I will at least offer to avoid two wallets simultaneously emerging (talk about an awkward moment). I will mainly do this because I don’t like feeling like I owe something to someone I don’t trust, and he will likely say: ok cool. Also, I am afraid he won’t offer and I will have assumed he would and then that makes me some sort of high-maintenance bitch. Chivalry and romance are dead I tell you…it’s a damn shame. Guys! Buy your date a drink! At least the first drink! Do you not hope to stick your dick in this woman later? Put a drink in her first already! Puleeze! Ok sorry—tangent.

So we’ll sit down and it will be awkward. What he won’t understand or even care about since he is so consumed with himself is that I am nervous too and I am feeling like this is a tense but crucial moment. He should recognize this fast and do something, but he won’t. That’s women’s work. Can I hear it from the girls on this? How many dates have you been on where you thought maybe you should actually check for a pulse a few times during the date. His, not yours. haha SO, I will do what I always do which is immediately try and get our conversation rolling and if he’s not reciprocating, which most don’t, because they think that they don’t have to do anything in order to get laid, I will start with the questions. They fire off one right after the next and I’m trying to multitask listening and picking up details to use in later conversation so he knows I was listening, because LISTENING is something that’s important to me…it’s a way in which someone can show me that they care, so I will do that to set the tone. This is hard work guys!

I will also be trying to fight the urge to drink as fast and as much as I can, so he won’t see this spectacle. In most cases, it’s twice his speed. This sucks because I not only can, but I want to. I’m a little bit more in my game when I’ve had a few. He of course will not be up to par conversationally (or otherwise) once he’s had a few, and that’s fine by me, because I have the upper hand for now and this is just a date (see you are getting in the mind of a really calculated twat). Ok, now rewind to that first awkward moment when we sat down and let’s say hypothetically that he was a smashing success at breaking the ice and reciprocating. He is entertaining, talkative, funny, tells stories and asks questions of me too (and let me just tell you, as far as I am concerned, that man I just described is on the same reality plane as a UNICORN in my hope spectrum) then I would actually be pretty interested. Genuinely. I’ve only met two people like that though, neither of whom I am fit to date apparently, plus one is married. Of course. And is it to someone who is reciprocating with him in being interesting, loving, fun, etc? NO. Those are the girls who get these great guys. Those fuddy duddy, frigid butterfaces with issues out the wazoo. Urg!!!

Ok so moving on, now I actually have to decide whether or not this date will survive my lack of motor skills when eating. I don’t have an issue eating with a guy. I won’t order a crouton and a water to make it look like I don’t eat. Ummm…obviously I DO. But I might avoid eating just so I don’t make a total ass of myself. So, let’s say this is just drinks, so I don’t even have to go there. So we’re having drinks…me half as many as I’d like and him, twice as many as he should. Maybe he’s getting more interesting as he loosens up (we’ll give Slick Willy here the benefit of the doubt) and maybe he’s even getting better looking, the more I loosen up. ;) Naturally I will have evaluated him physically the instant we were in one another’s site and that will determine how much I need to drink. haha omg I’m only half kidding (which half?…hmmmm)

So, I’ve pretty much decided, 1 hour in, whether or not I’m going to touch him or continue this date or see him again, or if I need to take the “emergency” call from HH or Linz or Nikki that I SCHEDULED for 1 hour into the date to help…umm…with her with her sick Granny. “Sorry man, I gotta go…she REALLY needs my help”. What none of these guys know is that all of my past dates (and future), whether they are interesting or not, were a phone call to a friend at some point during that night. If the date is bad, when the scheduled phone comes, I answer it because I have my phone on my person on vibrate, loud and high. If it’s going well, I excuse myself to the bathroom and then quickly dial all of my friends who know I am on this date (you know who you are) and answer the sequence of quick questions they fire while a bunch of drunk bitches bang on the bathroom door to get in. The answers are as follows (in no particular order):

-Yeah, I’m cool, I don’t need and excuse to leave.
-Yeah, he’s actually cute, but he’s got this thing [insert flaw] but it’s cool.
-I’m having a Dos Equis and he’s having a [insert beer guy drinks on dates]. XX is my ‘date beer’ unless he’s a ‘wine date’. (and yes, the girls always ask what we’re drinking)
-Oh, I’m wearing black ass-pants, a red v-neck blouse and yes, I’m showing cleavage.
-The silver octagon hoops. (she’s asked what earrings I am wearing).
-Um…it’s going just alright…but things are picking up.
-Yeah, I prolly will. haha Not if he’s a shitty kisser though. Now you GUESS what the question was there! haha

So I quickly end my hushed convo and arrive back at the table with fresh lipstick and a smile. It’s of course been 20 minutes that he’s sitting there twiddling his thumbs like a poor jerk and prolly thinking: “I wonder if we’re gonna f*ck…hmmm…I’m hungry.” And that’s it!

So blah blah blah…I have to listen to more of his bullshit that’s not even funny, so why am I giggling? Need more drinks. Ok…now I’m buzzing. The flirt comes out. Why am I flirting with him? This is dumb. I don’t even want to be out with him. ughhh... I wish I were with [insert name of perfect guy I really want to be with but can't :(] . Then, I have to suffer through whatever retarded tactic he’s going to use to try and kiss me…and trust me…it’s SO lame the goofier the guys are. One guy I went out with before Christmas actually said, “I think you still have some beer on your lip…here let me help you.” And kissed me. Ya know? That’s HOT. It would have been even hotter if it had been ketchup or maybe some wing sauce. hehe What a goonie. He was a good kisser though, but he had a personality that made me want to weld my ears shut. The rest of them don’t even try to kiss you at the opportune moment, they wait for you to do it. They are so afraid of rejection that they put it off until it’s absolutely certain my panties are in a twist over him. Yeah right. So then, we kiss or whatever and he says he wants to see me again and that he will call me or catch me on IM or email. I go home and eat whatever I want (finally) and call all my friends and bash him.

After a week and a half of not calling or emailing or IMing because he was “swamped at work” or whatever lame excuse he’s giving me that I didn’t ask for, he wants to go out again. At this point I have to wonder if this is worth the hassle I am going to have to go through, start to finish, just to do all the work again for 2 and be sexy. I mean you guys have no idea what we go through for dates and such to be so pretty and soft and smell so good. Shave, wax, pluck, blow-dry, curl, makeup, exfoliate, pick out nice panties and bras and go through 400 outfits and shoes and hairstyles and perfume and nails and jewelry and even birth control! What kind of generation of fucking mamas boys is this that doesn’t carry condoms with them?! This befuddles me! If I am going to go through 5 hours of preparation (painful at that) for this date on the mere POTENTIAL that something could happen and I need to be ready, how hard is it for him to buy a three pack and put them in his car or pocket? Really guys…

So I find that with most potential second dates, if I am settled in for the night, don’t feel like holding up both of our ends of the convo and going through the painful act of sexfoliation and preparation, and he’s just not that interesting, he’s going to get a bullshit excuse. It’s true. And I have found that I know instantly whether or not I am going to want to see this person again and I need to go with my gut on that. You don’t get the goodies without the work guys! We’re all totally high maintenance whether we say so or not. Feed our brains and our souls if you want to slip us the salami. Works like a charm. If I had to do all the work socially, and then again in the bedroom…well, what’s in it for me? See...this is how women think. Or at least this woman. You girls comment.

So Tom... haha... do you see why I might be a bit turned off to the whole “date scenario” right now? I need a break. Some peace…without trying to make a nincompoop into a worthwhile man just on pure imagination. Not to say I wouldn’t go out with someone again, but it’s not easy being the gatekeepers of the sex, fellas. It’s much like the work of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. You gots ta prove ya way inta dees panties! I just don’t have a lot of faith in finding interesting men right now. I don’t. Like I said, I’ve found two and both didn’t really want me, or else we would be together.

Ok- that’s all I got. These blogs get longer and longer. I’m long winded and I love cereal, hence the titlt of this blog. I miss cereal. I want cereal! waaaaaa! I want it more than a date! haha I’m getting a little randy though…this is a good sign, right? I usually don’t get like that if I’m really sad, so this is good. Don’t think it’s quite enough to put up with another goofy elimi-date, but we’ll see what kind of exciting, sensitive, funny, good-looking, well-enDOWD men are at the Vagina Monologues this weekend, shall we?

Bye sweeties!

(I obviously did no real work today except for 15 mins. I exhausted myself yesterday.)