Last night I worked at Curves and it was THRILLING!!!!!!! (that’s for you Officer PH) Officer PH is short for Officer People Hater, cuz she’s training to be a correctional officer and she hates people of all breeds, sizes, shapes, colors, religions…especially those who have the audacity to actually speak to her, ask her for anything, look at her or order 3 dozen donuts for two only people and make her wait in line behind them at Dunkin Donuts) So OPH is the nice young lady who’s place I’m taking at Curves…well I am one of three freaking people replacing her , because she’s simply irreplaceable (sheees so fiiine….there no other way to goooo!) So Last night was OPH’s last night and so the ladies of Curves were going to be meeting for some beers and snacks and asked the laura lee to join them (how sweet) and I did, and I tore up some spinach dip and a 23 oz Miller Lite and it just escalated from there and ended with me waking up this morning on top of my comforter with a really dry nasty mouth, a headache and an image that would scare a homeless person. My hair was wilder than hell, I had the shirt on that I ‘d worn the night before and underwear and that’s it. We at one point decided to cruise by the 4100 club in Brooklyn for some cheap beers and drunken entertainment, which proved to be very interesting indeed! haha OPH hates people but she loves Greeks ;) Anyway, 10 beers for $18.95, a bunch of good laughs, some new friends and a raging hangover, what’s not to love?! So thanks OPH, I had a good time, and thanks for welcoming me into your inner circle…as I warned you though, this now means I can unmercifully berate you on my blog (read your contract).
So yeah, I’m 27 years old, a Marketing Director for a multi-million dollar company, I’m dressed up very nicely today, I have two college degrees, and I have a Miller Lite hangover. My coworker told me I looked like, “death warmed over” today. That’s sweet. Well one said that and the other said, “honey are you sick?” and I said, “yeah…I might be actually.” and the other one says, “bullshit, that’s a hangover if I’ve ever seen one.” So after some grape nuts, some water, 2 Aleve and some Gingerale (you know it!), I’m finally awake and feeling better and it’s only 3pm, so horray!!
This morning I was HURT-ING though…woo wee. I went out the door to leave and there was hammering in my head. I think my eye might have had a pulse at that point. I decide to take the trash bag to the dumpster because it can’t sit outside of my door forever waiting for the imaginary man in my life to take it out and so I decided to chuck it in the dumpster before I got in my car. MISTAKE. People, listen to me, I know things, get in the car first and turn it on…warm it up…take your time. The trash can wait. Mainly because when you hurl the 400 pound bag full of Sundays wine and beer bottles (see Tuesday’s blog) into the dumpster by gaining momentum, it’s better if you don’t have your CAR KEYS in your MF hand. FLIIINGGG!!!! Yeah…the bag went in. So did my keys. It was snowing so hard too. I am thinking, Oh holy holy holy shit, how the hell am I going to get in there?!!! It wasn’t even full so they were on the bottom. I mean I didn’t even know what I could climb on to even get IN the dumpster, let alone overcome the fact I had to GET IN THE MF DUMPSTER at 7:45am with a hangover. You know my gag reflexes…
So naturally…I cried. That helps you know. I was just so tired and frustrated and hung-over. I’d taken off my coat in anticipation of having to climb in the dumpster, and so I decided to put it back on, hello duh! It was snowing. So then I leaned up against the car stomping a lot and thinking about how I could remedy this situation when EUREKA! I realized I could simply make a make-shift “claw”! As I told a friend of mine this morning, this is PRECISELY the type of situation where a helper monkey/midget would be fitting. I have to get one. I don’t like to reach for things that are 2 feet in front of my face, let alone do any climbing into things or picking nasty things up. That’s monkey work! So I go in my apt, get 2 wire hangers and form a long claw and I only have to lean in twice, gag three times and voila! Keys. :) So I wiped them off with what Nikki calls my “walking pharmacy” of antibacterial things and I was off to work.
I am such a moron. And I haven’t even told you how I had to wait outside of my apartment “compound” for 25 minutes last night for someone to come through the gate since I’d left my gate key card at work! It’s not easy being so flakey guys…it’s taking a toll I think. It’s so hard. I will toil on though…mainly for your entertainment.
Ok—that’s all I got! I need to get the shizzle outta here before I get snowed in with my coworkers and no alcohol!!! Talk about a nightmare! Where are all my commenters? I know you are reading because you tell me individually. Come on now…don’t be shy…come out and play with all the other kids. This is an open casting call for actors to play the part of “people pretending to be Laura’s friend but mostly we just want to see what retarded thing she will do next”. We’ve still got a lot of spaces open for that role, so have your agent get on here ASAP and sign you up already!
Ok—love ya! Adios!
Songs of the Day:
Collide – Howie Day
Candy Shop – 50 Cent
Simply Irresistible – Robert Palmer
So yeah, I’m 27 years old, a Marketing Director for a multi-million dollar company, I’m dressed up very nicely today, I have two college degrees, and I have a Miller Lite hangover. My coworker told me I looked like, “death warmed over” today. That’s sweet. Well one said that and the other said, “honey are you sick?” and I said, “yeah…I might be actually.” and the other one says, “bullshit, that’s a hangover if I’ve ever seen one.” So after some grape nuts, some water, 2 Aleve and some Gingerale (you know it!), I’m finally awake and feeling better and it’s only 3pm, so horray!!
This morning I was HURT-ING though…woo wee. I went out the door to leave and there was hammering in my head. I think my eye might have had a pulse at that point. I decide to take the trash bag to the dumpster because it can’t sit outside of my door forever waiting for the imaginary man in my life to take it out and so I decided to chuck it in the dumpster before I got in my car. MISTAKE. People, listen to me, I know things, get in the car first and turn it on…warm it up…take your time. The trash can wait. Mainly because when you hurl the 400 pound bag full of Sundays wine and beer bottles (see Tuesday’s blog) into the dumpster by gaining momentum, it’s better if you don’t have your CAR KEYS in your MF hand. FLIIINGGG!!!! Yeah…the bag went in. So did my keys. It was snowing so hard too. I am thinking, Oh holy holy holy shit, how the hell am I going to get in there?!!! It wasn’t even full so they were on the bottom. I mean I didn’t even know what I could climb on to even get IN the dumpster, let alone overcome the fact I had to GET IN THE MF DUMPSTER at 7:45am with a hangover. You know my gag reflexes…
So naturally…I cried. That helps you know. I was just so tired and frustrated and hung-over. I’d taken off my coat in anticipation of having to climb in the dumpster, and so I decided to put it back on, hello duh! It was snowing. So then I leaned up against the car stomping a lot and thinking about how I could remedy this situation when EUREKA! I realized I could simply make a make-shift “claw”! As I told a friend of mine this morning, this is PRECISELY the type of situation where a helper monkey/midget would be fitting. I have to get one. I don’t like to reach for things that are 2 feet in front of my face, let alone do any climbing into things or picking nasty things up. That’s monkey work! So I go in my apt, get 2 wire hangers and form a long claw and I only have to lean in twice, gag three times and voila! Keys. :) So I wiped them off with what Nikki calls my “walking pharmacy” of antibacterial things and I was off to work.
I am such a moron. And I haven’t even told you how I had to wait outside of my apartment “compound” for 25 minutes last night for someone to come through the gate since I’d left my gate key card at work! It’s not easy being so flakey guys…it’s taking a toll I think. It’s so hard. I will toil on though…mainly for your entertainment.
Ok—that’s all I got! I need to get the shizzle outta here before I get snowed in with my coworkers and no alcohol!!! Talk about a nightmare! Where are all my commenters? I know you are reading because you tell me individually. Come on now…don’t be shy…come out and play with all the other kids. This is an open casting call for actors to play the part of “people pretending to be Laura’s friend but mostly we just want to see what retarded thing she will do next”. We’ve still got a lot of spaces open for that role, so have your agent get on here ASAP and sign you up already!
Ok—love ya! Adios!
Songs of the Day:
Collide – Howie Day
Candy Shop – 50 Cent
Simply Irresistible – Robert Palmer
2 Comments:
Ewwww...you smell like garbaaage (Korean dry cleaner lady)
Love your decomp buddy Jeanna
First, sorry for not reading this sooner.
Secondly, let me just say that I am honored, at least I think, to be named in one of your strangely humorous blogs. Oh and by the way, this OPH is extremely irritated after her first day of orientation as a CO. OHHH it's going to be a long two years.
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