I'm trying to be like Tootie and just take it "one day at a time"...or maybe I am getting my 80's sitcoms mixed up and I'm taking it like Valerie Burtenelli. I took it like Tootie when I learned about the "Facts of Life" ahhhh yes...that's right. tee hee Learning about the facts of life WAS fun. ;) (cept for not the sucky facts, like the ones I am learning now).
As usual, I cannot stay on topic. First off...I'd like to say that Nikki produced a blogsterpiece today, please check it out. Nikki is a fine mama-jama. Yes, its a rant, but OMG is it good! Thanks for giving us a voice baby.(especially a voice that doesn't write 400 paragraphs to express herself like SOME bloggers!)
I am at home today, "packing". This has consisted of: sleeping in, pleasuring myself (j/k), wearing my fav pajamas, eating Cherrios (i know, i know...carbs), watching back to back episodes of The Real World in preparation for the finale tonight (which I'd like to add I hadn't been vigilantly watching up until today where it suddenly became imperitive for me to get 'caught up' for the finale tonight!), debating on whether to watch Love Actually, or The English Patient while I pack to let out a little emotion (cuz really, I havent been doing that enough lately-haha), calling this SHITTY t-shirt company that I ordered something from 3 1/2 weeks ago and havent received yet and pulling my act where I am really calm and nice but really I am being a manipulative bitch to this poor kid named Patrick who couldnt be more than 21, calling my insurance agency and threatening to change companies if they dont take the 'Anderson' off of my name on the policy b/c I never changed it to that in the first freaking place, looking at the boxes and bubble wrap a lot thinking about packing, and of course, reading Nikkis blogs and writing angry feminazi comments on them.
SO naturally, why not blog and add to the list? I cant let one single day go by where I dont blog obviously because its the only area of my life that I havent let fall into shambles (which is subjective I suppose ) ;)
But seriously, today it's the kitchen that's getting packed. I am trying to eat the stuff in my fridge too and I've made a 'new house resolution' that I am not to buy stuff at the grocery store that I DONT EAT, ever again. Those neighborhood cats are going to have a friggin field day when I throw out all the food and crap thats not coming with me. That leads me to another of my copious LISTS...
Things I wont miss about my old place:
*The f*cking crazy dog downstairs. Any past guest at my house knows this mentally ill dog. He’s a bastard. I want to kill him today. I might.
*The ladies in my rental office. What a bunch of CUNTS (it’s ok if I use this word now, they said so in the vagina monologues)
*The icy parking lot in winter (for obvious reasons, Laura go BOOM!)
*The stupid gate!!! Did y’all see how someone creamed it near the marquee? Hilarious!
*That creaky stair halfway up the second set of stairs on the landing.
*The blazing sunlight that comes in the bedroom windows that makes me have to ghetto tint my own windows with duct tape and static tint.
*My horny neighbors who are constantly screwing. I hate them. (now I will have a new horny neighbor!)
*My clogged bathroom sink :(
*Not having a seat in the shower and having to lean against the wall to 'shower-sleep' (hell yes, new place has a seat, for two!)
*The intersection outside my window, aka the Glen Burnie motorcross (soooo GB)
*The weird cats all over the neighborhood and their poo smell.
*The bitchen (the bathroom in the kitchen)
*The white Crown Vic in the parking lot with the bumper sticker that says, “unless you’re a hemorrhoid, get off of my ass”. I have to just pause here for a second and say that I don’t get the message here. Does she want all hemorrhoids to stay on or inhabit her ass but everything else better back off? Why not just invite the whole damn neighborhood if you’re ok with hemorrhoids? Ahhhhh… the Burn.
*The WT parents with mullets and Dale Jr. shirts beating their little WT kids with rattails (pronounced: rat-tay-OLEs) in the Super Walmart on Ordinance.
*The police who sit in the park and wait to give me tickets.
*The marigold hoopty that never moved from the space next to the dumpster.
*Those GD birds in the tree out front. There are thousands of them. It's like Alfred Hitchcocks, "The Birds". tweeeeet tweeeet! BAM! if I had a semi-automatic...whew...
I forgot to put this in my blog yesterday but one of the chicks (this hot little Latina) who was performing at the Vagina Monologues gave us the "facts" on cooters and this one was our fav (I think I speak for everyone). There are 9000 nerve endings in the female clitoris (by the way if any of you gave my blog address to my dad, youre paying for his funeral). That's more nerve endings in one place than anywhere on the human body, male or female, and more than twice the amount of nerve endings in a man's penis. Why have a revolver when you can have a semi automatic baby?! Its great to have a poon-tang today, aint it girls? I loved all those names they came up with for the taco...good stuff.
Confession: I wasnt WATCHING it, but I noticed that Jerry Springer now has "Jerry beads" and "the Jerry Pole". Nasty, fat, WT bitches from all over West Virginia (Sorry Jer) can now flash their buzzies on this show (with the BLUR of course) and then if they dont make everyone in the audience VOMIT, they are beckoned to the "Jerry Pole" where they make a really awful attempt at POLE dancing. This is sick as hell. Today there was a MOTHER-DAUGHTER combo that did it, and then they were beckoned to the pole where they both went in opposite directions and banged right into one another...HARD! Half-breeds. They were SO not hot either. That's my "final thought" on that.
Ok, I got this cute lil monkey clip that Jerry sent me. TRUNK MONKEY
Mini tanks Jer! People seem to be all about sending me tidbits of monkey comedy (which those two words are redundant) since I've expressed my love of primates. I had really weird dreams last night. One, I was getting on a plane to ??? and the lady in line behind me had three baby monkeys with her and she asked me if one of them could sit with me. I said, "um yeah sure as long as it's good." Well, MY monkey was REALLY bad and then it turned into my BROTHER, cept he was 4 years old (how I remember him) and wouldnt sit down and had a very high pitched voice and kept making this noise that he used to make when he was little to drive us all bonkers that sounded like Tigger from Whinny the Pooh. Then I look over and the lady is NURSING one of the monkeys. I think I dreamed that because of the story that Nikki and Gretchen told the other night about a lady nursing a kitten on a Southwest flight. HEELARIOUS! Nikki you need to blog that story. It makes me pee more than a lil.
The other dream was that I had this baby wrapped up in my arms and I'd found him outside my door. He was in a blue blanket and I couldnt see his face but he was a little boy. When I looked, I realized it was Harry Potter and he had long hair. I started to rub his hair and comfort him and kiss him on the face and tell him everything was ok and while I was kissing him on the cheeks, he whispered in my ear in this DEVIL VOICE, "I am going to kill everyone and you have to kill me to stop it." and I looked and his eyes were glowing royal blue and it was VOLDEMORT! Omg, I had to turn on the MF lights, TV and waves machine to get back to sleep. My heart was pounding. Yeah, so I think I may be either stressed out and a lil depressed or just generally insane. That scared the bejesus out of me tho!
Ok Fraggles, I'm off to "pack". Love to you, strong men, and NO LOVE to you, China Dolls (see Nikki's blog for explanation).
ttfn,
The Phreak
Songs of the Lazy Day:
Creep - Radiohead
Movin Out - Billy Joel
Tracks of My Tears - Temptations
Hedwigs Theme - HARRY POTTER!!! ;)
As usual, I cannot stay on topic. First off...I'd like to say that Nikki produced a blogsterpiece today, please check it out. Nikki is a fine mama-jama. Yes, its a rant, but OMG is it good! Thanks for giving us a voice baby.(especially a voice that doesn't write 400 paragraphs to express herself like SOME bloggers!)
I am at home today, "packing". This has consisted of: sleeping in, pleasuring myself (j/k), wearing my fav pajamas, eating Cherrios (i know, i know...carbs), watching back to back episodes of The Real World in preparation for the finale tonight (which I'd like to add I hadn't been vigilantly watching up until today where it suddenly became imperitive for me to get 'caught up' for the finale tonight!), debating on whether to watch Love Actually, or The English Patient while I pack to let out a little emotion (cuz really, I havent been doing that enough lately-haha), calling this SHITTY t-shirt company that I ordered something from 3 1/2 weeks ago and havent received yet and pulling my act where I am really calm and nice but really I am being a manipulative bitch to this poor kid named Patrick who couldnt be more than 21, calling my insurance agency and threatening to change companies if they dont take the 'Anderson' off of my name on the policy b/c I never changed it to that in the first freaking place, looking at the boxes and bubble wrap a lot thinking about packing, and of course, reading Nikkis blogs and writing angry feminazi comments on them.
SO naturally, why not blog and add to the list? I cant let one single day go by where I dont blog obviously because its the only area of my life that I havent let fall into shambles (which is subjective I suppose ) ;)
But seriously, today it's the kitchen that's getting packed. I am trying to eat the stuff in my fridge too and I've made a 'new house resolution' that I am not to buy stuff at the grocery store that I DONT EAT, ever again. Those neighborhood cats are going to have a friggin field day when I throw out all the food and crap thats not coming with me. That leads me to another of my copious LISTS...
Things I wont miss about my old place:
*The f*cking crazy dog downstairs. Any past guest at my house knows this mentally ill dog. He’s a bastard. I want to kill him today. I might.
*The ladies in my rental office. What a bunch of CUNTS (it’s ok if I use this word now, they said so in the vagina monologues)
*The icy parking lot in winter (for obvious reasons, Laura go BOOM!)
*The stupid gate!!! Did y’all see how someone creamed it near the marquee? Hilarious!
*That creaky stair halfway up the second set of stairs on the landing.
*The blazing sunlight that comes in the bedroom windows that makes me have to ghetto tint my own windows with duct tape and static tint.
*My horny neighbors who are constantly screwing. I hate them. (now I will have a new horny neighbor!)
*My clogged bathroom sink :(
*Not having a seat in the shower and having to lean against the wall to 'shower-sleep' (hell yes, new place has a seat, for two!)
*The intersection outside my window, aka the Glen Burnie motorcross (soooo GB)
*The weird cats all over the neighborhood and their poo smell.
*The bitchen (the bathroom in the kitchen)
*The white Crown Vic in the parking lot with the bumper sticker that says, “unless you’re a hemorrhoid, get off of my ass”. I have to just pause here for a second and say that I don’t get the message here. Does she want all hemorrhoids to stay on or inhabit her ass but everything else better back off? Why not just invite the whole damn neighborhood if you’re ok with hemorrhoids? Ahhhhh… the Burn.
*The WT parents with mullets and Dale Jr. shirts beating their little WT kids with rattails (pronounced: rat-tay-OLEs) in the Super Walmart on Ordinance.
*The police who sit in the park and wait to give me tickets.
*The marigold hoopty that never moved from the space next to the dumpster.
*Those GD birds in the tree out front. There are thousands of them. It's like Alfred Hitchcocks, "The Birds". tweeeeet tweeeet! BAM! if I had a semi-automatic...whew...
I forgot to put this in my blog yesterday but one of the chicks (this hot little Latina) who was performing at the Vagina Monologues gave us the "facts" on cooters and this one was our fav (I think I speak for everyone). There are 9000 nerve endings in the female clitoris (by the way if any of you gave my blog address to my dad, youre paying for his funeral). That's more nerve endings in one place than anywhere on the human body, male or female, and more than twice the amount of nerve endings in a man's penis. Why have a revolver when you can have a semi automatic baby?! Its great to have a poon-tang today, aint it girls? I loved all those names they came up with for the taco...good stuff.
Confession: I wasnt WATCHING it, but I noticed that Jerry Springer now has "Jerry beads" and "the Jerry Pole". Nasty, fat, WT bitches from all over West Virginia (Sorry Jer) can now flash their buzzies on this show (with the BLUR of course) and then if they dont make everyone in the audience VOMIT, they are beckoned to the "Jerry Pole" where they make a really awful attempt at POLE dancing. This is sick as hell. Today there was a MOTHER-DAUGHTER combo that did it, and then they were beckoned to the pole where they both went in opposite directions and banged right into one another...HARD! Half-breeds. They were SO not hot either. That's my "final thought" on that.
Ok, I got this cute lil monkey clip that Jerry sent me. TRUNK MONKEY
Mini tanks Jer! People seem to be all about sending me tidbits of monkey comedy (which those two words are redundant) since I've expressed my love of primates. I had really weird dreams last night. One, I was getting on a plane to ??? and the lady in line behind me had three baby monkeys with her and she asked me if one of them could sit with me. I said, "um yeah sure as long as it's good." Well, MY monkey was REALLY bad and then it turned into my BROTHER, cept he was 4 years old (how I remember him) and wouldnt sit down and had a very high pitched voice and kept making this noise that he used to make when he was little to drive us all bonkers that sounded like Tigger from Whinny the Pooh. Then I look over and the lady is NURSING one of the monkeys. I think I dreamed that because of the story that Nikki and Gretchen told the other night about a lady nursing a kitten on a Southwest flight. HEELARIOUS! Nikki you need to blog that story. It makes me pee more than a lil.
The other dream was that I had this baby wrapped up in my arms and I'd found him outside my door. He was in a blue blanket and I couldnt see his face but he was a little boy. When I looked, I realized it was Harry Potter and he had long hair. I started to rub his hair and comfort him and kiss him on the face and tell him everything was ok and while I was kissing him on the cheeks, he whispered in my ear in this DEVIL VOICE, "I am going to kill everyone and you have to kill me to stop it." and I looked and his eyes were glowing royal blue and it was VOLDEMORT! Omg, I had to turn on the MF lights, TV and waves machine to get back to sleep. My heart was pounding. Yeah, so I think I may be either stressed out and a lil depressed or just generally insane. That scared the bejesus out of me tho!
Ok Fraggles, I'm off to "pack". Love to you, strong men, and NO LOVE to you, China Dolls (see Nikki's blog for explanation).
ttfn,
The Phreak
Songs of the Lazy Day:
Creep - Radiohead
Movin Out - Billy Joel
Tracks of My Tears - Temptations
Hedwigs Theme - HARRY POTTER!!! ;)
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