Chicks n' ducks n' geese better scurry...

...when I take you out in my surrey! When I take you out in my surrey with a fringe (bee bop) on top! (woo hoo)

Surrey with a fringe...Toyota Tacoma...it's all the same to Phreakylee. Seems I have a little bit of a back-blog going on here from all the days I've missed so here's is the motherload. I just haven’t felt up to it to be honest. I feel like I don’t have time to even think, but that’s mainly because all I do is think about fruitless situations that are galaxies beyond my control. I tend to have trouble prioritizing things I need versus my perceived desires. But eso es la manera es cuando usted es un geminis loco. Someone correct that for me. I’m sure it was nonsense. And no it doesn’t say: 'Do the chickens have large talons?' Pollo? Who was the scary Spanish teacher we had in middle school?…damn…I can’t remember her name…Senora Needstogetlaid. Help me out here. Anyway, she could prolly tell me how to tell my audience ‘that’s the way it goes when you’re a crazy Gemini’, but she might only know how to say: stop talking Laura Lee, raise your hand to speak, that’s not Spanish I hear back there and spit that damn gum in the trash can.

Omg see? This is why I can’t blog! I can’t focus! I’d be a perfect candidate for A.D.D research (especially if it involves drugs). I am on here today to correct the backblog with a spicy treat I’ve been cooking up for about a week and a half and it’s called (dum da-da Da!)…

Yoobizzy? (an Annotated Blogliography on Dating that "adds up")

Yoobizzy (n) (Yew-biz-ee): person you call up at random and completely inconsiderate times with little to no notice for the purposes of sex, and/or the “I need to use you to make me feel better” date (and we wonder why men think we are sent here from the devil).
{Derived from the Latin phrase; RU Bizeus}
{Old-English-Germanic Origination (phrase): Are you busy tonight?}

This term’s definition was hoisted from the not-so-well-known periodical:

Lee, Laura M., Rate Your Date: Laura Lee’s Easy “1 n’ 1 make 2, 2 n’ 1 make 3” Guide to Evaluating Your Dating Habits and Picking Mr. Right(now), 2nd edition. Hooflin n’ Mifflin Hon. c. 2005. Balmer, Merlin.

“What expertise does thelauralee have in order to write about the art of dating?” you ask with doubt and befuddlement? Nada. I’m just funny. I learned I could write about whatever I wanted in Clown School and it’s considered literature. So let’s get to the annotated blogliogrpahy part so that you can consider whether or not you want to actually read this publication. Does this tricky love-math really work? Are we Nobel Peace Prize bound? ‘I didn’t know Laura could add!’ are issues at the forefront of our minds. Here we go…

Blogliographer – Anonymous

In this publication, the author was able to skillfully apply number values or ‘points’ to certain aspects your date might display, apparent characteristics, mannerisms, good deeds, lame moves, overall appeal, etc. Here is just a sampling from her theory:

CATEGORY POINTS:

The Invitation:
-He contacted you with a activity plan and a round about time: 2pts
-He called you and told you to dress nice, it’s a surprise: 3pts
-Calls you maybe eventually, IMs you, emails you and then on top of it has no plan or time and says things like, “I think you’ll find I’m pretty easy going and I will go along with whatever.” He shall be assigned 1pt.
The author lays down the line in this section. She states, “That is not laid back, easy going or sweet to let you choose. That’s lame, lazy and he’s not that into you. Find someone who is."
She adds, "If he doesn’t call you and you have to call him, he will be assigned 0 pts. In fact, give him some of your points you moron."

His Dress/Style:
-Shabby Vagabond but not quite the "homeless" look: 1 pt
-Comparable to you: 2pts
-Excellent and stylish (careful here, if he’s gay you return to home state): 3pts
In order to help you assign points to your date in this category, the author has given you tips for categorization. For example: if he is wearing tennis shoes and you’re not going jogging together, hanging out at the mall, walking the harbor, or hurdling, he will be assigned 1pt. Shabby. If he has made an effort with the shoes (and not wearing white socks) but you think that if you were dating you could probably get him to wear a more stylish pair of shoes cheerfully, he receives 2pts. If his shoes are Italian leather and you can smell the rawhide wafting up from under the table (there are worse things you can have happen here), he’s a classy dude: 3pts. And no, Sketchers are not 3pts.

Conversation and Establishing Common Ground:
-He is all over the place topic wise and isn’t cohesively flowing with your comments but is at least talking: 1pt
-Making an effort and interjecting what he thinks is funny and listens fairly well, even when eating: 2pts
-Makes direct eye contact, remembers your comments (and name!) and meshes them back into conversation, has a good sense of humor and matches it with your comfort level (ie: no fart or shit jokes): 3pts!!!

End of the Evening/Chemistry Sensor:
-Senses you have chemistry and goes in for the kiss without prompting: 3pts!
-Is awkward about it, but still makes the move himself: 2pts
-Waits for you to kiss him: 1pt (though really he shouldn’t get points for this unless it’s a good kiss or you’re an aloof ice princess).
-Goes for the kiss when there is obviously no chemistry (this is not ambiguous)—Not acceptable. See negative points section.

STAND-ALONE PLUS AND MINUS POINTS

+Positive Points+
-Likes the same TV shows or music: 3pts!
-Looks in the direction of the Golden Tee video game at the bar with adoration only b/c you were walking back from the bathroom and passing it: 2pts
-Compliments your outfit: 1 pt
-Compliments your accessories: 2pts
-Compliments your accessories and notices how well it meshes with your well chosen outfit: 3pts! (again, you’re in the danger zone for a Billy who hasn’t come out of the closet yet)
-Makes a comment like: “I don’t have anywhere to be but with you, just as long as I get to work tomorrow at some point, I’m cool.”: 2 pts
-Unexpected flowers: 2pts! (careful…this could be weird depending on the chosen flower)
-Listened to something you mentioned in the brief time since you’ve met or spoken on the phone (ie: favorite restaurant) and incorporates that into your date: 3pts!
-Puts himself between you and harm (ie: crazy bum in subway, moving car, running ferocious dog): 3pts!
-Holds coat while you put it on: 2pts
-Pulls out your chair: 1pt
Picks up the tab without discussion: 3pts (deal with it. we’re the keepers of the goodies) Tells a good joke: 1pt
-Stops eating to listen to you and look at you: 3pts! (totally unexpected, what a gem!)
-Uses sarcasm appropriately and not offensively: 1pt
-Smiles at you intentionally: 2pts :)
-Compliments your eyes: 2pts
-Compliments you personality or sense of humor: 3pts!

-Negative Points-
-Says he has to be in my midnight b/c he gets sleepy easily (if you are a sleeper fuddy duddy too, you may award him points): -1 pt
-Asks you for money or lets you pay the whole bill: -3 points (this is grounds for automatic disqualification in some instances. Your friends dont even make you pay the whole bill!)
-Brings up political, moral or ethical issues: -3pts
-Doesn’t like baseball: -2pts (where did you find this guy?)
-Asks you if you’ve ever played Madden: -2pts
-Has squirrelly hair: -1pt
-Has bad breath: -2pts
-Does not make direct eye contact when talking: -1pt
-Doesn’t get your appropriate jokes: -2pts
-Doesn’t have his own place and or/resides with parents (sorry guys): -3pts
-Darker than a 20% tint on car windows: -1pt
-Says that he usually goes for blonds but…(and you are not blond, including bottled blond): -3pts -Talks abut Ex-girlfriend: -3pts
-Belches and blows it out with no regard for your keen sense of smell: -2pts
-Scratch themselves in private places: -2pts
-Not holding doors: -3pts (how hard is this? it goes a long way!)
-Orders before you: -2pts
-Interrupts blatantly: -3pts!
-Asks you: Are you going to finish that?: -1pt
-Makes it obvious he expects sex: -2pts (just a tip to the guys from the author…if you act like you don’t need it, you’re just there for her company, you’ll probably get it).
-Does not respond well to your fashionable lateness: -2pts (you are worth the wait)
-Makes YOU drive on first few dates: -3pts unless he is injured
-Tells one or more stupid story that makes him look like an ass (author points out specific instance when date told her he went to the movie Blues Brothers 2000 and booed the screen and threw food at age 25): -2pts
-Tells retarded jokes and laughs REALLY hard at his own and not at yours: -2pts
-Smokes when you don’t at the table: -1pt
-Does not have job: -3pts (actually...get rid of him. Even McDonalds is hiring)
-Compliments your tits: -2pts

***Author also encourages daters to create her own unique point awards and deductions as follows:

Point Distribution Unique to Author:
-Speaks with Baltimore accent: -2pts
-Not drinking: -2pts
-Hates beer: -2pt
-Drinking but not drinking much at all: -1pt
-Makes comment about ‘liking bigger women’: -3pts
-Likes TV show, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge: 1 pt
-Hates the movie “Rudy”: 2pts
-Hated the real person Rudy Ruteger more: 3pts
-Religious, 'moral' and self-righteous: -3pts
-Catholic: 1pt (I dunno…don’t ask)
-Makes prejudice comments blatantly: -3pts (some Asian and Mexican cracks allowable)
-Will drink a tequila shot: 2pts
-Likes steamers and canned beer on certain occasions: 3pts
-Loves music, many kinds, and can tell you why: 3pts
-Hates crabs or seafood: -3pts
-Talks about his mom with disdain: -2pts
-Talks about his mom or sisters with adoration (but not to excess): 2pts
-Talks about his mom too much with adoration that is borderline Norman Bates: -3pts!
-Can’t even state 1 particular interest or hobby he has: -5 pts (if he doesn’t know what he likes, why the hell would he care what you like?…plus screw that whole identity crisis crap)
-Likes oral sex…I mean REALLY likes it: 10pts!!! (and yes, I mean giving and getting, but how are you going to know this on the first or second date unless you are NSA? Slut. see NSA section)

NSA* Date Point Ratings:
-Has no condom(s): -3pts
-Does not buy you at least 1-2 drinks: -3pts
-Asks if you like ass play when you are in earshot of other people: -3pts
-Laughs with you in bed: 3pts
-Gives you the big O: 3pts
-Stays the night uninvited: -3pts
-Talks dirty out of context: -2pts
-Talks dirty in context: 2pts
-Cums on your face, hair or mouth intentionally without warning or discussion: -3pts (be polite!)
-Asks you if you have food in the house: -1pt
-Gets you something to drink after sex: 3pts
-Gets up and leaves before 15 mins has passed after sex: -2pts
-Handles the "Coyote Ugly Move" with style and grace: 3pts...and out the door!
*No Strings Attached...yes, a one nighter or, to use the scientific term, "fuck buddy")

Basically the author stresses that you will have to come up with your own instances of point deductions and awards and include them in your date rating process.

Next, the author recommends, take all of these numbers, and add them up. The ratings are loose but go something like this:

Negative Points: It's possible that upon doing your final calculations, you're date may have negative points. If that is the case, stab him with a butter knife and run.

0-15 pts: This man has a lot of growing up to do. He is likely not suited for ANY woman, let alone you. Do not schedule a second date, even to break it off. Don’t answer your phone, block his emails, pretend you moved, report him to the Better Boyfriend Bureau as a lazy f*ck.

16-25 pts: Don’t blow this one off just yet, but continue to see other men, so that combined, all the men you’re dating might in fact equal one whole decent man. Practice good time management. If you get tired of providing all the wonderful entertainment, take him to see “The Interpreter”. Trust me, this works and gives you a 122 minute break. Also, consider staring out the window a lot while in the car, sort of like dogs do. Refrain from drooling. Most husbands and boyfriends are in this range. It has potential. Good luck girl. If it gets to be too much, plan a girls weekend and cheat on him and make your girlfriends pinky swear never to tell him.

25 + points: woo wee girl! There aint no such thang as a perfect man, but you’ve just raised the bar on male mediocrity! This one's pretty unique. All you have to do now is see how long it lasts. If he doesn’t make it past 2 weeks, please demote him to the next point range. If this continues indefinitely, start stretchin those mouth muscles out. It’s blow job season.

Summary:
When applied properly, Ms. Lee’s theory on "Dating Math" is not only innovative but inarguable. It was most enjoyable reading her guide to objective dating and your blogliographer intends to keep a studious eye on the Best Sellers list for her follow up trilogy expected to come out this summer:

• You’re Lame in Bed! (with bonus pamphlet, “BJ? How about I just lay here and you f*ck my face?”)
• Stop Comparing Him to Your Ex! and
• I’m Pregnant with Your Baby and I Want to Jump Off the Bay Bridge!

*******************************************************************

Whew...ok that was like WAY over the top, but believe it or not, it was "edited" as to not incite a coup against The Phreak for not changing names to protect the "innocent", making blatant references that identify the culprit, publicly chastising people either myself or a friend has dated/is dating that could conceivably read my blog and shape up his shitty dating behavior to keep his wonderful female friend interested (oh the horror!) and just being an overal stuck up bitch. I didn't think I would even HAVE to tell you all this, but it's all satire. Exaggeration of real events for the purposes of entertainment! What the heck is that called anyway? (and don't tell me it's libel or slander you smart asses). Anyway...there's a name for it...and I do it. In other words. I'm just kidding. Let's take it down a notch Sparky. But can I just say this as my "Final Thought"? ALL of these kudos and faux pas have either happened to me, or someone I know really well...so I think I have earned the right to go to town on these dudes, really I am not a high maintenance beeyatch.

Songs of the Day: Fuck Her Gently- Tenacious D (that's f*ckin team work!) & Surrey with a Fringe on Top - From the Musical "Oklahoma". That's O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A.