A Monkey With A Bell On Her Tail...

Will you stay and read my blog and continue to rock my world?

2007-10-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

My long overdue and promised blog entry…

What a summer! I don’t think there was a weekend where I didn’t have some running around to do. Just a general update on me and then we will move right into the topic at hand (which is Rock of Love in case you didn’t pick that up from the title of today’s blog).

Dave and I went on a fun filled long weekend to Williamsburg, Virginia to visit good ol' Busch Gardens a couple of weeks ago. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it’s Anheuser-Busch’s (aka Budweiser) authentic theme park modeled after some of the countries of “Europe”. These quotes aren’t just my regular use of literary skepticism. If you happened to catch the update on Busch Gardens from me verbally, you no doubt witnesses my liberal use of “air quotes” when talking about yet another “Fake Europe”. Dave and I are now proud to announce that we believe we have frequented the maximum amount of Fake Europes that any “non-content to stay in Maryland all our lives and never visit anywhere further than 100 miles away” couple can actually visit. This is of course counting Epcot Center in Disneyworld last summer where we partook quite heavily in many of the amenities that a genuine Fake Europe can offer (and Asia, and Africa and Australia…and Mexico). For those of you who watch The Simpson’s you’ll know that Dave and I could not visit Busch Gardens without:

1) Getting loaded (it’s a beer theme park, come on.)
2) Singing the Duff-Gardens song:

“Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you! You’ll have a Duff, I’ll have one too!”

It was a fun trip really. Busch Gardens now offers a private beer tasting where you make a reservation and you walk into this nice bar setting with multiple stations with a presenter sitting in the middle of a semi-circle bar of tasters (that’s us). So they proceed to celebrate Anheuser-Busch’s entire catalog of brewskies and other selected beverages and you get to pick 4 of them to taste (along with cheese, crackers and chocolate – win, win, win). I will say, they have quite an array of beverages ranging from some neon green energy drink with 9% alcohol to a low-cal stout! A malt beverage I believe they called that green stuff. And here we are considering running our vehicles off of CORN?! Try some of that stuff in your engine I say. I steered away from the “colored beer” and stuck with some of the surprisingly good beers. I think I can safely sum up the samples by saying that they tasted like an exact combination of the description given by the presenter for each drink, and a Budweiser. You could always taste the Bud.

Ahh well, it is what it is. So kudos to Busch Gardens for adding a little class to its already snazzy Fake Europe! I felt especially classy when we went to the tasting for the SECOND time, completely soaked from the log flume with my hair in quite a state of frizz, already three-sheets to the wind from the enormous beers we bought in Fake Germany. That’s class. I will try and post some pictures on here in a bit if I can figure out how to.

Next…hmmm…oh! I got a new car. Long story that’s none of your business, but I got a new car and it’s perty. :) It’s a 4 door, 2008 Honda Civic, dark cherry red. Actually TANGO red is what they called it, so anyone who rides in my car has to tango with me first…sorry, Honda rules. Get this…it’s an automatic transmission! My first ever. Of course I did drive with both feet for the first day and a half, desperately searching for the clutch, but I got the hang of it in no time. I would equate it with riding in someone else’s car, but I’m steering. You don’t have to do anything but press on the gas (and break). Here all these years I’ve been missing the luxury of having THREE available limbs to do other things besides drive! Someone should have told me. Don’t worry – I’ve made up for lost time by listening to CDs, finding out what all the new buttons do, eating my breakfast, putting on makeup, talking on my cell phone…you know, the same stuff all the rest of the automatic drivers do on the road. I really fit in now. :)

Onto the very serious commentary regarding the main topic of this blog: Rock of Love. Now I know some of you watched it. I’ve found that I spent most of the season trying to HIDE the fact that I watch it (and force Dave to also), only to find that I’ve heard people talking about it everywhere – undercover. Just last week I was on a conference call with a coworker (around my age) in Des Moines, Iowa, working out some program details and low and behold, Bret Michaels comes up. Don’t ask. Anyway, off we go discussing who he should pick – because naturally, we know.

For those of you who are lost, Rock of Love is a “reality show”, if you want to call it that, on VH1 wherein the one-time-desired, now-not-so-sexy, pretty-sure-that-bandana-is-holding-a-wig-on-his-bald-44-year-old-head, fallen-rock-idol– is searching for his Rock of Love. And WOW what a cesspool he has to choose from. Kind of like the show Flavor of Love with rapper Flava Flav, but built for white trash skanks and a washed up hair-god rather than an insane rapper troll and a house full of black fighting tramps. Same concept really. Now I usually turn my nose up at reality TV but this caught my eye and right off the bat it was like a car crash – impossible not to look at. Like I said, a house full of skanks really makes Bret Michaels look like a winner. And his personality is very entertaining! Everything turns him on. No kidding – he says everything turns him on whether it be the fact that one of the girls in the house is an insane devil harpy from hell (which she was – Lacey) or whether they were not interested in him and were standoffish from day 1 (Jes – ironic huh?).

Anyway – I’m not here to tell you all about the show. As Bret says, “Yo! I need you to CHECK-ME-OUT on the VSPOT!”. That’s VH1’s Rock of Love website:
http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml.

This blog is to comment on the outcome of the season just ended. FIRST of all, I bet Dave $20 that Heather the stripper would win – so thanks for losing me $20, Bret Micheals, you tw*t. I, like everyone else I’ve interviewed on this breaking story, wanted him to choose Jes, but alas I thought Bret seemed the type to pick the stripper…excuse me “exotic dancer”. Especially since it was such a turn on that she had his name tattooed on the back of her neck before they’d even gotten to the elimination round. Brains and beauty! Why wouldn’t he choose Heather? Well the sensibility of choosing Jes finally hit home for Bret – not after she was the only one who didn’t act like a crazed drunken skuzz bag, barfing at the table, fighting in the house, cussing Lacey and her parents out – No. It was when they were in Cabo San Lucas and he almost went into diabetic shock and he asked Jes to shove a big insulin needle in his ass if he slips into a diabetic coma, and…she cried. Wow – what a turn on! Who wouldn’t cry when confronted with stabbing Bret Michaels in the ass with a needle? With anything really! But that meant the world to him and after one final skank-o-meter test where he asked them BOTH to be his girlfriend and Heather the closet lesbian stripper said, “I’d love to” (by the way – she looked drunk the entire show) and Jes said, “I couldn’t share someone I really cared for.” He made the always wise decision of choosing a girl who would remain dedicated to him while he was off humping other sluts on tour, rather than a woman who would come on tour and hump sluts WITH him.

What’s interesting, besides the fact that Heather predictably WIGGED out in the limo leaving the mansion and cursed Bret three ways to Sunday (and made the realization that she’d had his name tattooed on her neck) was that at the reunion show, Jes didn’t give a Damn Yankee about Bret anymore! Six months of waiting to be together so they wouldn’t ruin the show ending and she gets on stage, says he made the wrong decision and should have chosen Heather and then – the show ended!!!!! WTF?! What the hell is that I ask you? I ask you VH1, on behalf of all of us who invested our time in your series only to have this cheap, worthless ending – cheated! Cheated I tell you! And I have a right mind to write them and ask them what kind of climax is THAT in repayment for all of the time spent agonizing over who Bret should pick? Jerks. Well the answer came to me while perusing the “deleted scenes” on VH1 (yeah so what? I did it – I’ve been sick for 10 days, what do you want from me?). Season 2! Here is their chance to make it up to all of us. I’M SURE this time it will be much better. I’M SURE that this time it will really pay off and the ex-rocker of their choosing will really fall for his rock of love!!! My heart swells just thinking about it. But which fallen hair band icon will be the lucky buckaroo to be consistently turned on by major ho-bags??? I present to you…the article that cleared it all up for me (compliments of VH1):

Last month’s announcement of open calls for Rock of Love 2 kicked off widespread speculation on which rocker would rule the house — names like Tommy Lee, Mark McGrath and Dave Navarro batted around the Internet buzz. Now, the VH1 Blog exclusively can reveal that Rock of Love 2 will star none other than Bret Michaels, who’s ready to give reality TV dating another shot after things fizzled with Rock of Love winner Jes. Expect more girls (20, to be exact), more challenges, more turn-ons and more diabeetus in the second season of Rock of Love, which is coming…well, sooner than you might think!

WOW! Thank you VH1! And here I though that my intelligence level and taste may falter without supplement. I get to be judgmental and sanctimonious about 20 MORE girls and experience the emotional roller coaster that is finding our rock of love.

If you care to join me – we can form a Rock of Love discussion club. Monday nights, the day after the show, preferably during Monday Night Football. That stuff’s rubbish anyway. ;)

Later haters!

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

2007-07-31T10:29:00.000-05:00

Wow – I’m actually going to KEEP my promise and blog again! Hooray for me. :)

So let’s see…where to start. I like bullet points…let’s go with bullet points:

*PAYCHECK*

Job is ok. I like to maintain the image that what I do is SO important and keeps me SO busy, that I can barely talk about it - top secret. ;) Truth is, that what I’m doing doesn’t make any significant contribution to this planet, in fact it’s very boring (securities industry insurance). But, you’ll be happy to at least know that I’m excelling in my work place and although I still wouldn’t consider my coworkers my “friends” and you won’t catch any of us heading out for a “happy hour”, I am respected and liked and appreciated…as of right now. I spent the last 2 years really making my way with a difficult group of colleagues, a demanding client, a home office in DES MOINES, IOWA (boooooring) and to quote Peter from the movie Office Space, 8 bosses, Bob. Actually it’s more like 7 bosses, and to be more specific, it’s 3 direct reports and 4 fringe bosses or top execs. It’s rather ridiculous really. As you can imagine, I have a lot of people telling me when I forget to put the cover on my TPS reports…

*SHELTER*

I moved this past January...back to The Burn and in with my sweetheart. This is Dave of course (or you would have seen another bullet point, first and foremost that was titled: “New Mating Partner (I chucked the old one and went gay)”. Things are better than good. I really like living with him. He is great company and we laugh all the time and I can sheepishly report that a few weeks ago we drank 5 bottles of wine on a Monday night and watched ¾ of the movie “The Hustler”. The good part there is that I’ve found someone who can match my partying skills drink for drink. The bad part is FIVE BOTTLES OF WINE?! Disgusting. Even Nikki and I didn’t drink 5 bottles in a night. When people ask me how “living together” is going, my response is usually that it’s going great and we’re having fun and that living with a boy (again) further reinforces my very strong theory that different people just have different interpretations of the concept of “urgent”. Putting one’s clothes and shoes away is not “urgent” in some people’s, erm…mainly guys…minds. This I can live with. I am sure there are many complaints about my living habits and sense of “urgency” and the overall sense of urgency in the minds of all women (mainly in conjunction with bj’s and sandwiches – not to be combined), but this is MY BLOG, so I get to say what I wanna.

*LOVE LIFE*

I don’t want to shock you here, but you may have already guessed that Dave and I are still together. ;) Everything is going well (see paragraph above) and the whole “Living in Sin” thing gets a bad rap (or is that rep?) I could make up a bad rap about it, but I will spare you my cheesiness. I like living with Dave and I like his family and his friends…oh and him. I like him too. I won’t go too far into this section…not because things aren’t just peachy, but because they are private and when have I EVER been known to disclose private information on my blog? Perish the thought. ;)

*DIETING*

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re skipping this one.

*CHILD-REARING*

Yeah…I got nothin. I haven't "reared "any children, lucky for their little bottoms.

*FAMILLE*

The fam is doing pretty well actually. Erin graduated from the University of Maryland at College Park in December and she is working as an assistant to an oral surgeon. When we were waiting in line to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (ON IMAX!!!) she told me how to make a drug cocktail to put someone under for surgery. Neato. This, combined with my in-depth knowledge of forensics ought to be enough to scare those of you who cross me. Chris is alive and well, and has worked his way up within his company and has done really well for himself. I believe he sells roofing, windows and other energy saving solutions. So if you’re in the market, consider using a Lee. Everyone else does. His love life is always sprinkled with interesting factoids, but I will leave that level of divulgence to him (his My Space is linked on the left). If any of you have been around to visit me and have stayed late night, you’ll know that he is an amazing guitar player and every gathering ends in a hell of a hootenanny. Between him and Dave and my dad, there is always music in my life and I love this.

My dad and his family are doing just fine. He is still old and he still has toddlers. Ha-ha. Thankfully though, only a couple of people in his house wear diapers and he is not one of them (I’m cracking myself up here). The twins are now 3 years old (wow!) and cute as can be. If you’d like to check them out, here is the website: http://www.babyhomepages.net/lee/ Dave and I gave them those cute little princess costumes they are wearing in the first few pictures. They are so adorable and they are growing like weeds and talking up a storm. Never a dull moment there. My mom and Stu-ball (this is what we call her main squeeze, Stuart) are doing just fine. They are always out socializing and doing something interesting. I’m glad she’s happy. They both have taken a great interest in Dave’s improvisational blues band, Indigo Church. I’m going to give them a shameless plug in one of the following paragraphs.

*WHERE THE CLUCK HAVE I BEEN?*

Well, mostly I’m busy with work and staying home being an old homebody fart. I get sleepy way too early in the evening, I get hangovers when I drink too much and I don’t feel like buying a bunch of new clothes all the time to stay stylish. Pathetic really. So I spend a lot of time at home when I can. It feels like we’re traveling every weekend of the summer though. I've been on a few trips...last summer (well Fall really) we went to Disneyworld for a week and it was AWESOME! I promised myself I would get on here and blog and post pictures and then I didn’t because I have a propensity towards procrastination, bordering on the tendencies of an “utter failure”. I will try and get some pics up here though. Blogger has made using its program so difficult anymore I think. Seems as if most people are now using My Space to communicate. I’m of course behind on this initiative because I can’t even keep up the blog. I do have a My Space page though (linked to the left on this page), but I don’t use it for anything. I don’t really GET IT. Can you chat on My Space? Probably and I'm just too dumb to figure it out. I don’t see the purpose in posting something on someone’s My Space so that it can send them a link by email to tell them they have a message (that they can’t read unless they log on to My Space). And I am not a fan of the “being logged on to one site and looking for other people to chat with all day and night” thing. If you are and I have offended you, good. You are too old to be hanging out on My Space. Just joking, I’m so far removed from the scene, I don’t know jack. Maybe one of these days I will figure out how to use it to my advantage and make a new page (without an annoying song blaring on my page). I like being able to blog though. I guess you can do that on there too huh? Yeah, whatever. You sweat My Space so hard.

Ok that was a major tangent. Back to “what I’ve been up to”. So we went to Disneyworld and that was awesome. I recommend it highly. You don’t need to have kids to enjoy it highly (or soberly). We’ve also been to Cleveland, Ohio a few times (Dave has friends there, otherwise I do not recommend this as a vacation spot), Cincinnati (and Kentucky) which was actually quite beautiful, and we’ve hung out with Dave’s friends in DC a few times this summer. I miss my friends though, you hussies. I would really like to have more frequent and perhaps smaller (so we can talk) get togethers. I realize this cuts into breeding time, but at the very least it's sure to be fabulous entertainment for one night with yours truly. Anyway, I’m probably forgetting lots of things we’ve done. I am also sure I’m missing a lot of funny blog-worthy stories that have come up in the last two-years, but I will try and post them as I recall them. I will close this particular blog with a good one.

Please feel free to check out the link (on the left) to Dave's band, Indigo Church. A lot of you have seen them perform and I know I am partial, but they really are quite good. They are an improvisational blues/jazz band and they play regularly at Ze Mean Bean Cafe in Fells Point, Baltimore. Every 2nd and 4th Saturday night from 7-11 pm (and they play the Jazz Brunch on the Sunday after the second Saturday - got all that? haha) The food there is pretty good and the entertainment is stellar. So...check out their web page to hear a little bit. Ok, plug over.

*SUMMER-EYES*

Overall, I spend a lot of my time working, commuting (and avoiding crazy, smelly people on the subway), reading (all hail Harry Potter), sleeping or eating. I like sleeping. And eating. I suppose one major factor I may have omitted is that I turned the big three-oh on May 22nd. Not much to comment on other than I had a really nice birthday with Dave and he surprised me and took me to get my hair done, then to Pazo (one of my favorite restaurants: http://www.pazorestaurant.com/) and then to a wine store to sign up for a wine tasting that week that turned out to be full of stuck up wine sniffers. We ate all their cheese though - so there! He also took me to a concert at Ramshead later in the month. It was a Beatles tribute band called 1964 The Tribute. They are excellent and it’s a fun show. I am sure Lindsay will tease me about seeing my “favorite band”. We had a nice time though.

Are you bored to TEARS yet??? I’m telling you…I’m boring now. I guess I have just been sorting my life out for the past couple of years and now I can at least safely say that things are really good. I’m making good money, getting good grades…my future’s so bright….well you know the rest.

Ok, funny story to close with? Ok, twist my arm. :) Last summer Dave and I went to the ocean for a couple of days just to hang out and get away for a day or so. His family had a couple of condos rented for the week and invited us to join them for an overnight stay. So we did. Well once we got there, Dave and I decided to head down to the Boardwalk for a stroll and to indulge in some of our favorite things (i.e.: watching weird people, playing in arcades, reading ridiculous t-shirts, drinking copious amounts of booze and indulging in more caloric intake that is necessary in one week, let alone 3 hours). So at one point we decided we would go to the arcade and check things out. May I also add that we were completely sober at this point? So Dave plays those “electronic drums” and everyone on the Boardwalk listens and stops and it’s very neat. Then we play a little ski ball…and whatever else. As we are leaving, we see this “Strong Man” game where to play, you take this enormous hammer with a rubber mallet and you smack down on this round silver platform and the machine has little lights that rise to your level of strength (with increasing and insulting settings such as: Pip-squeak, You suck, You’re a Schoolgirl, That’s All You’ve Got?, My Grandmother Hits Harder, Marginally Strong, Freakishly Strong, Are You Sure That’s Just One Person Swinging The Mallet?) You get the idea. So naturally, we decided to mollify our competitive nature and play the game. Dave went first. I don’t recall what his rating was. I don’t recall much of that day before it was my turn, and I think this was a direct result of what you're about to read. I stepped up to swing and this is just a small tangent here, but there was this family of 5 that was hanging around the arcade and the dad was using the ATM and this one little kid (like 4 or 5) was so friggin annoying and was standing so close to us while we were trying to play this game and she would not move and her shitty parents wouldn’t tell her to move her dumb ass and so I had to wait like 5 minutes to even swing until they left. I hate people at the ocean. And eveywhere. Also I blame them for what was about to happen. I feel that for me to shoulder the blame entirely is insult to injury. Which bring us back to MY TURN. So I think this is a funny game and I just KNOW that I can hit it as hard as Dave. I just have to! So I raaaaaaaaaaaaise the hammer above my head and slightly behind my back so I can get my full power swing, and I lower that bad boy with every ounce of strength I have in me - because God knows, it’s important to use your strength for things such as this and not for emergencies or anything. So I feel the mallet connect with the metal and vibrate my hands, and then WHAM!!!!!!!!!!! From my perspective, I hit the machine, and then the MACHINE HIT ME BACK! Right in the nose! I’m imagining a red boxing glove coming out of nowhere and punching me in the face as some sort of sick Boardwalk joke. I MUST be on some kind of hidden camera show. I dunno though because I can’t think. I’m SURE that my nose has come off and that my hands to my face is the only thing holding my entire blood supply near to my body. My eyes are completely teared up and my head ….Oh my head!

So what really happened, you ask??? Dave could tell this story much better – but I will take a “whack” at it. The GD hammer was RUBBER and rubber bounces (as proven by The Nutty Professor). When I swung, I swung straight down from above my heads and not from over my shoulder. Although I am almost completely retarded for not expecting this, apparently my swing was straight and accurate. It hit that metal platform and bounced directly back into my face, straight on. As hard as I hit the platform, I am convinced, is how hard the hammer hit me in the face. But good news! I did not fall over…I remained standing. When I came-round, I went directly from crippling pain right into “Embarrassment Control” mode. Luckily enough, NO ONE saw this but Dave. At the very least, we are hoping that no one caught it on video because according to him, they would surely win $10,000 on America’s Funniest Videos. He handled it like a champ though. He did not laugh (initially) and was very concerned and then once the pain started to subside and the humiliation stopped burning through my every vein, we went for a beer at the Purple Moose and he proceeded to tell me how it was simply UNBELIEVABLE. Not only hilarious but just friggin unbelievable. Only me. You will be so surprised to know (as was Dave) that I didn’t bleed a single drop. I had a small scratch on my nose and a splitting headache. I didn’t even get black eyes or a broken nose or anything. I personally think this was some sort of miracle. He can attest to the fact that I hit my face HARD. Only me though, right? That’s your Laura Lee. Otherwise the trip was pretty low key. I did spill boiling hot butter all down the front of my shirt the next night in front of his whole family, but that’s just expected now, isn’t it?

I will leave you now. That was loooooooong blog. I will be back soon and I promise to keep my stories interesting and shorter. Ok, well I can promise interesting.

Later bloggies! Thanks for returning to me!

End of an Era: A Well-Deserved Tribute

2007-07-25T21:03:00.000-05:00

Yoo hoo? Hi everyone!

I’ve been gone for a long time. It’s been almost a full year since my last blog entry. Perhaps I should actually reintroduce myself or have some sort of a showy “coming out” soiree like they do in the Deep South. “I do declayaaa!” I have really missed writing and even more so, I’m responding to the enormous outcry from you all to pleeeeeeeazzze blog again, oh great one! I hear your pleas and I have responded because…if nothing else, I am your most humble servant. Emphasis on the humble part. ;)

So yes…I’ve missed you. And hopefully you’ve missed me too. You deserve an update on the last two years of my life and I will give it to you, but not this time. This entry is dedicated to something very dear to me; it’s brought me out of hiding and cured me of my blogging refugee status. Here’s hoping at least. Today’s bloggsterpiece was inspired by some of the most creative writing and literary genius I might ever see in my entire lifetime. And I think you know me well enough by now to know that I’m not about to talk about some high-brow, granola-crunching, beatnik lit here. I implore you not to simply brush off my editorial today as “another one of her mad ravings” and trust that I’m one hip mama, even in my agedness, and I would never point you in the wrong direction.

If you had a galleon for every time you heard the phrase “Harry Potter”, you’d be a rich witch or wizard. You would of course be no where near as rich as JK Rowling, the author and creator of the Harry Potter series. This woman is larger than life. However, she is most deserving. There are too many millionaires (many times over) that walk this planet today; making more money that even MC Hammer could spend in a lifetime. And they’ve contributed squat to this planet and even less (than squat) to my life. Thankfully, Rowling imagined us a world to which we could retreat any time we desired. A world with magic we’ve all dreamed of making, whether it was while day dreaming, stressing, loving, or learning.

As you may have guessed, I have now finished the 7th and final installment of the Harry Potter series. I actually finished it at about 3:30am this morning. Pathetic, you say. But it has to be said, that there exists very few indulgences that I would stay up for almost three straight days just to finish! It was incredible. If I had it in me, I'd read it again today if it weren’t for an emotional exhaustion that has washed over me in its wake. Worry not! I’m no spoiler. I would never dream of blotting the experience for one who wanted an opportunity to sense the pure unadulterated fun that is indulging in Harry Potter.

JK Rowling is more than a writer, she is a creator and a teller of tales. The way she fashions her characters – all of them – captures some piece of you as an individual and makes you feel that much more real. A word, a sentence, a chapter is never just that. Every person, place, object and spell in her book is rooted with history, mythology, humor and sharp wit. Today I am gloomy that that this thing, this experience, this part of my life has come to a close. But she’s done a masterful job of leading us through 7 years in the life of Harry Potter and brought us to a fitting end. Although I am deeply saddened that it cannot go on forever and ever, I’m not sure if I would want it to. It was, essentially – perfect.

You may be thinking, “What a complete nutter she is!” or if you’re a witty one like Rowling you’d say I was nuttier than squirrel poo. And you’re right. I am a little crazy. I’m a lot of things. I am many versions of myself. And I am creative and compassionate and funny (and again…very humble!). And above all of these things, right now, I am inspired. Inspired to be the imaginative, entertaining woman I know I am for all of you. To put down my stories and ideas and ridiculous banter and hope that I too could one day inspire someone like the writing of JK Rowling has inspired me. The fact that this series is such a huge part of modern pop-culture may be a turn-off to some. Fads come and go….Beanie Babies, Pokemon, Barney, and for those of us who can go back in time a little…Cabbage Patch Kids and GI Joe. But innovations this extraordinary will live on forever. I will share these stories with my children and their children as well. They deserve to be enlightened and inspired as I have been. I can think of no greater gift than narratives.

Throughout the last decade, Rowling has taken us into a dimension of fantasy made entirely in her mind. It wouldn’t be far fetched to compare her to a literary god or creator…she created a world: a governing body, a language, a monetary system, a school, creatures, beasts, families, art and history. People will remember her notions like that of JRR Tolkien’s (add a bit of modern wit and humor). Seven years at Hogwart’s, brought us into the lives of her characters and we were them. They we’re our friends and companions and secret escapes. We experienced from afar their thoughts, their trials and tribulations, their love, devastation and fear. We grew up with them. She left no nook or cranny unexplored. A story was woven with very few things left unanswered. I have never read anything and felt such an incredible spectrum of true emotion as I have when reading these books. To me it is real. Now, before you go admitting me to St. Mungo's, please remember that I can be quite a passionate person who’s been known to partake in hyperbole. But it was real to me, in the sense that it was something that has been a part of my life for nearly a decade and I am an improved version of myself because of it.

People tease me all of the time and say what a huge nerd I am and chide me for loving what they essentially view as children's books, but I just can't imagine never having read them. They were so much more than that to me. I’ve experienced very few things in my life that have touched me so deeply and entertained me for as long as this series has. I’ve known marriages that were shorter than my bond with Harry Potter. ;) My point is that I am lucky to have known this delight and to have had the chance to dive into a great fantasy anytime I wanted. When I felt lonely, scared, tired, bored, broken-hearted and even when I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life…it fit.

So thank you Jo, for giving me Harry. Thank you from all of us for the gift of your incredible imagination. It’s meant the world to me. That comfort and enchantment was there for me in both the best and worst of times in my life and if I have to be known as the biggest dweeb-muggle that ever walked the face of this planet for loving Harry, then so be it. He and Hermione and Ron (and the lot) were good friends to me, if being a friend means being someone who makes you laugh, comforts you, enthralls you and who is always there. All I have to do is pick up a book. Hands down, Harry Potter is one of my most favorite pastimes – it’s a part of me because it’s what moves me.

Now, I suppose I can give the Potter eulogy a rest since I’ve said it all (and then some). It’s the end of an era. If you haven’t read the series, I urge you to do so. If you “just couldn’t get into it”, I urge you to give it another go. As an intelligent, creative, funny woman I can promise you that you will grow to love the world she has created just for you. Instead of watching, “So you think you can drool” or “Big Brothel” or “American Imbecile” on TV this week, consider cracking open The Sorcerer’s Stone and treating yourself. You will never regret it.

Stay tuned for the “life update” blog that I promise to post. Those of you who’ve stuck with me through this oh-so-serious blog, thank you. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to acting inappropriate and simple in the very next entry. I just wanted to pay homage to something that in today’s world is a bright shining star!

Three cheers for Harry!

Fire in the hole!!!

2006-08-24T13:22:00.000-05:00

Guess how many Weight Watchers points is in a (hmm let me consult the menu)...Jumbo half-smoke with mustard, onions and of course, firey chili?

Second question: How many bottles of Extra Strength Pepto Bismal is it going to take me to level out after one of those bad-boys?

Now, refigure your answers to questions 1 and 2, adding a chili cheese fries. :P

Now, add to that a chocolate milkshake, two Angina pills and some sort of upper to bring me out of the chili-induced coma I'll be in, and that's what I have to look forward to tonight! WOO HOO!
So as you might have guessed...I'm going to Ben's Chili Bowl tonight. For those of you are unfamiliar with Ben's (and for those of you who are going to scream in vegetarian horror...JEANNA), it's a long running, heart-attack friendly hot dog shop in Northwest Washington, DC. This establishment, as Dave's friend Reuben likes to say, is legitimate. It's the favorite fast food stop for famous bruthas such as Bill Cosby and Denzel Washington. In fact, one or both of them worked there! Being very near to everything in NW, including the Howard University campus, as you can guess the clientele is quite eclectic. :) It will be even MORE SO tonight when thelauralee goes in and cleans that joint OUT! Ya heard? ;)

Some of you (those closest to me...And some EVEN CLOSER) might recall the last time I had Ben's Chili Bowl...The next day was the 2005 WHFestival in Baltimore. I had to stop three times in random bathrooms on the way to the stadium just to RECTify the situation and sooth the havoc Ben's can wreak on the human digestive system. Yes bloggies, I'm actually talking about poop on my blog. Those of you who know me know how staunchly adverse I am to the mere mention of poops and farts, let alone JOKES about them...so this is no laughing matter. Ben's will graciously burn a hole right in your ass and leave you asking for more. Of course it's been over a year since I've been back, and there is probably some reason for that...oh right...the diet. Oh and my asshole asked me not to go back for 365 days. I obliged.

To be honest, I'm probably going to get something a little less fatal and go for either the turkey burger or the JUMBO turkey hotdog, which they affectionately refer to as 'The Big One!" at Ben's. Mmmm y'all know how badly I'm hurtin for The Big One, dontcha? ;) wink wink. Also, I would like to point out Ben's liberal use of the measurement referred to as a "load". According to Dave, this is an exact measurement (ie: covered with 'loads' of hot delicious chili). I also find it intriguing that Ben's will sell their 'chili' by the GALLON as well! I'm thinking of getting a gallon or so, seeing as how Drano has become so expensive, and my long ratty hair has a tendency to regularly clog drains. $10.00 in chili could save me a $250 security deposit somewhere! That's just smart math! (right Lindsay?)

So wish me luck at Ben's! Hey...aren't you going to ask why we're going to Ben's??? Ok I'll tell ya ;) We're going to a show at the 9:30 Club. The band is called The White Buffalo. You know, the name of this band reminds me of a really disgusting saying that I've heard a particularly perverted and VERBOSE young man say to me before and that is: "I'm so horny I could shampoo a buffalo." I wonder if he meant The White Buffalo? Eww God I hope not. I don't think this guy would like it: The White Buffalo I mean he looks like a scraggly hippy but I doubt he wants THAT. Only I like things like that, because I'm a dirty whore! haha ;) jk Anyway-- back on topic...they are supposedly a folky-funky jam band that I'm going to like (I am assured). I have never seen them, but I am looking forward to broadening my horizons and jammin out. I'm also looking forward to having my purse searched for drugs at the door to the 9:30 Club, and having them see how pathetic I am when all they discover are 5 rolls of unopened chewable Rolaids. Mmmmm I'm getting high on bismuth tonight baby! haha Top off a lil Ben's with a couple Bud drafts and I'll be spewing all over The White Buffalo man myself! Ewww....

Ok-- I'm going to save y'all from a RAGING case of motor-mouth and the inability to avoid a stream of consciousness here and sign off. BUTT, I wanted to give you a chance to wish me (and my hineyhole) a safe and happy trip to Ben's :) Mmmmm delicious!

Check it out! Ben's Chili Bowl

(cue fart noises....)

I knew it!

2006-08-22T13:45:00.000-05:00

Dave once asked me which Disney character was my favorite (or who I most resembled). I thought about it for a few weeks actually (yes, I know, productive). I came out of it saying that I was like TWO characters. Donald and Goofy. Mostly Donald, with the temper and being misunderstood and being 'ever so put upon' when all I want to do is have a little fun. :) At the same time...I'm quite the Goofy. So, it has been officially documented and proven today folks...here it is:

Your alter ego is Donald Duck! Try as you might, you have a nasty temper that is hard to control. But you try hard to please, and you arn't one to go down without a fight.

Donald Duck

88%

Goofy

69%

The Beast

56%

Peter Pan

38%

Snow White

31%

Pinocchio

31%

Ariel

31%

Cinderella

25%

Sleeping Beauty

25%

Cruella De Ville

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

Now, you tell me what you are!

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

2006-08-22T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, first things first...is 10:47 too early for lunch? ;)

I'm bored out of my gourd. EVERYONE and I mean everyone I work with including the client is on vacation for 2 weeks. Of course I can't do anything, at least not anything important, so I'm just passing the time and suffering severe ennui (that's "boredom", just in case you're not Eric).

I am so ready to blow this popsicle stand for the day and it's before noon. I don't even have much to say to you except report in that yes, I am in fact still here and yes, I am very idle. Let's see, what's new with thelauralee?

My return flight from Des Moines was very Desmoinesy. First of all I was hungover as hell and the flight was at 6:55AM. The new airport restrictions required me to somehow rise from a drunken stupor, face down in my underwear, in order to catch my 5am cab that I called while trashed off my ass the night before. Apparently, that evening I'd also entered the family club suite where they serve "hot snacks" and drinks until 10pm, stumbled over to the food area and managed to score 4 meatballs with sauce in a bowl, and then escape WITH the bowl past the girl manning the desk (who was all of 18 years old) and to my room. The next morning, next to the bar area in my room was the same bowl of said meatballs, but there were now only 3 meatballs in the bowl. Oh and a lot of sauce slung all over the wall, the lamp shade, the ice bucket, and somehow...the shower curtain. All I can say is...I don't know. I found 1/4 of a meatball on the floor near the door. So I'm left to assume that I consumed 3/4 of a giant saucy meatball (apparently in every square inch of the suite I was staying in) before passing out. How disgusting. And this was a BUSINESS TRIP! Every trip to Des Moines I promise myself I am NOT flying back drunk. Yet I've yet to remember ANY business trip where I've flown back without a hangover. How nice that must be to have a comfortable flight. I wonder if I will be like that on the way back from MY vacation. Probably not. Not on my dollar. haha

I guess you wouldn't believe it but those corn-fed peeps out there in the great state of Iowa can drink your ass under the table. They certainly can drink me under the table. Literally. I'm feeling the fact that I'm nearly 30, more and more every day. To be more specific, every time I get hammered. And it was BUD LIGHT DRAFT too....eww. Anyway, so that's my return flight story. I don't remember much beside trying to keep down the big technicolor yawn and trying to sleep. No one sat next to me (or behind me) though so that was nice. Probably nice for the passengers as well.

So I got home from a very flat but enjoyable Iowa ("Go State!" as they say) on Thursday. Friday morning, David and I left for Ohio. See, I'm on a tour of all states where the night life is really kickin. ;) One of his best friends got married this past weekend and I was a guest. It was a beautiful wedding and very emotional (at least for me). I still find weddings take a lot out of me. I just hope that these people really think about what they are doing and I do wish them the very best in their lives. I don't mean 'these people' as in Dave's friends, I just mean these people who marry one another every day. They have these big beautiful weddings and stand up there and make their promises and then walk down that road, hopefully together. Of course these friends of his were about 30. That's probably the best time to get married...close to 30, since you have a better grasp on who you are by the time you're 30. So yeah, erm, that's my wedding advice for the day. haha You're gonna want to write that one down. ;) Anyway, it was beautiful and had an open bar. To me, that's perfection. Dave's friends are all a lot of fun and every time I see them, there are great laughs to be had. They are so tight knit, it feels like a cool clique I finally got picked to be in (auxiliary as my position my be). Anyway- I like them, they are funny. I hope they like me too. I like Dave the best though...just so you know. ;)

The drive to Ohio was 6.5 hours, and I'm proud to say I MADE IT! Anyone who has been in the car with me during an extended period knows how I get. I have my breaking point where I just revert to a childlike state and get very restless until there is eating. It kicked in on the way home around Frederick, MD, so that's pretty good huh? I did spazz out a little though, but it included a good double fist-pullin horn-honk request from a big rig next to us...but hey man, he honked. :)

I will have you all know that it is exactly 33 days until my trip to DISNEYWORLD! Woo-hoo. That's pretty much one month, jerks! Can you believe it? I haven't been in 20 years! I am so friggin excited. I can't wait to take off. I hope work leaves me alone that week. I can't WAIT! We've been planning this since June and it's going to be super rad. :) Also, I don't know if you are aware of this but it's just about FOOTBALL SEASON again! Whew...the off season wasn't so bad now was it? I can't wait! And we're going to be going to Disney right around the same time. AND, then it's CHRISTMAS! YEY! I guess life isn't so bad. At least I get to go on my vacation once everyone is back and mourning theirs. tee hee. I haven't been on vacation in over 5 years, so I'm about due wouldn't you say? I've never even taken a whole week off from work except once when I got my gall bladder removed and that wasn't the best vacation I've ever had. I'm just being honest.

Ok, this blog sucked. I'm sorry I don't have more to share with you. I'm not funny anymore (sniff). If something comes up though, you'll be first to know.

Miss you losers!

ps: someone needs to have a party. I'm feeling like I need a little get together to hold me over until vacation. So yeah, um, you should get started on that. :)

Why, I oughtta....!

2006-08-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've only blogged 18 times in 2006 (half of which were in January...guess I got a good start and crapped out). I'm sorry. I bet you guys don't even "read me" anymore. I am a washed up art-teest. Alas...and I'm only 29. Which brings me to another point. I'm getting old.

So, I'm in Des Moines, Iowa this week again. You guys may remember the last time I was here (Christmastime) and I kept a log of my boredom. It's not much more exciting this time either, however my job has become much more involved in between visits, leaving me little or no time to blog, except for when I visit the home office in IOWA! haha So that's what brings me to you today bloggies...

Oh yeah, so why I'm old. Well I just can't seem to fit everything in. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have kids. On the flight here, this little brat kicked my seat the WHOLE WAY TO DES MOINES, and I had to keep reminding myself to be patient...he was just a little boy. I try to do little exercises in patience so that by the time I actually do put my crusty old ovaries to work and possibly bring Damien II into this world, I will have the patience of a young mom. :( I worry about that...getting set in my ways and not being able to adapt to a child. I just automatically expect people NOT to kick my seat or yell and throw fits for 2.5 hours straight, no matter what size they are. But you just can't hold kids to the same standards. I tried to imagine my little 2 year old sisters on a 2 and a half hour flight and what they would be like. Then I quickly tried to think of something else because that was a horrifying thought--haha. Yikes.

Anyway, here I am trying to exercise the utmost patience with this rugrat who is traveling with his clueless dad. Dad is absolutely oblivious to the possibility that he might want to mind his child and try to keep him entertained so that he's at least somewhat stationary for the better portion of the flight. No, he was out of his seat and kicking and throwing things and hitting me in the head with one of those weird bat things that stadiums are giving away at baseball games now that you knock together. The dad is happy because one of his 2 kids he is traveling with is not screaming (they all have on the same shirt, by the way, with the family's last name on the back and a number like a team. Gay.) This father has bare minimum standards where traveling with youngins is concerned. I can appreciate that, but come-on man. By the end I would have liked to sit behind the dad for just 30 mins and kick and carry on the whole time and see if he noticed. Just because it was a five year old's foot doesn't mean it wasn't terrible and it also doesn't mean its not a hard enough kick to knock over a Budweiser. MINE. Yes....its true. It happened. So sad. Anyway, moving on.

So I was trying really hard not to do much but kind of wildly look behind me, in only the way a WOMAN who is trying to send a message without SAYING anything, would (ie: the turn around to indicate to the talker in the movie theater that he/she is annoying). It's barely perceptible, but angry indeed. I was trying so hard to exercise control though. My mantra: He's only a little boy. He's only a little boy... So by the end of this flight the woman next to me was FURIOUS. I don't know why, her seat wasn't kicked nearly as much as mine, but nonetheless she turns around and tells the man: "I realize he is only a little child, but I also have realized during this flight that he is not a child with manners. Good day to you." She didn't have an English accent, though that would have been fitting, no? Anyway, the guy is just standing there clueless with this look on his face like, 'Bitch what is your problem?'. He then says, "If something was bothering you mamn, you should have said something politely during the flight." She ignored him and walked on.

SO...the question here is: who is right? I can see both sides. On one hand, she handled it well and kept her cool and didn't yell or scream or try to parent his kids or curse or anything. She just stated her issue. POST HASTE though. That's the thing. Is he right? Should she have just said something to him earlier on and then it would have been taken care of? Later on at the baggage claim she stood next to me and said, "That gentleman shouldn't have to be told that his children are behaving badly. Not if he's a full-time dad." Ahhhhh...so there we have it. She's a scorned single mom. haha No, just kidding. She's probably right. They are both right. (Meanwhile his kids are running wilding around the baggage carousel like animals). But I, naturally, not having anyone in the world to worry over but myself (well, not REALLY), thought only of myself... Should I have said something? I figure I only have a right to say something if I've walked a mile in someone else shoes. Anyone's shoes should do ;) j/k I mean if I've been a parent. What, are they not supposed to travel? Maybe they needed to fly to get where they were going. Maybe the dad was doing all he could to keep the kid under control and that was the best he could do. MAYBE, that WAS 'good' for that child. Maybe he's a terror with a raging case of Turrett's Syndrome. You just never know. Maybe he was just 5 and tired of sitting. I read once that a child will say the words, "Mom, look at me." or "Look at me" an average of a thousand times a day or some crazy # like that. That's pretty needy and antsy combined. I myself was done with that flight about an hour in and wanted to get up and run around in a circle for no apparent reason. It had a little to do with having my chair kicked 8000 times, but in all actuality, I can't handle long drives either. Just too busy. :)

So maybe we have more in common with children than we think. I think I am too busy to get it all done...mind always running...'What do I have to do next? What did I forget?' I suppose I could try for five minutes to imagine what that would be like to feel that way, but without the guilt and pressure of being an adult. That kid had a lot to get done that day and this flight was just impeding his plans (which appeared to be squirming and running around and yelling and hitting things).

So, I held my tongue and didn't say anything. I thought that was the right thing to do. What do you think? Think I should have made a fuss? I don't think it was my place (unless I was hungover then, all bets are off). But apparently, Dad thinks someone should have let a guy know. Hey, I've been on a plane with a screaming baby. I've sat next to a kid with a runny nose and cough on the metro. I've even held a 2 year old while she proceeded to try and get out of my death grip for 30 minutes straight until she just fell asleep (waking up intermittently, only to try and get away before quickly dozing back off). But I've never been a parent on the other end of that. I've never had to endure the eye rolling of people seeing me coming with my kid to sit near them. I've never had to travel with a sick or exhausted or hungry baby. So maybe if I have patience now...God will reward me in parenthood and give me good children. Please oh please oh please.

I think there is VERY little chance of that though...wouldn't you agree? ;) Y'all know me. Hey, check out this lil article. I think I might put this one in the vault for future use. I imagine I'll have a lil "loose talker" when my time comes.

Ok...gotta go squirm ;) I'll update ya later blogsters! Love to you all.

Ridin the cotton pony this week

2006-07-06T16:00:00.000-05:00

Will someone get me a pizza and one of those enormous Hershey's kisses already? This kid knows what I'm talking about...

Whatz cookin, good lookin?

2006-06-27T14:12:00.000-05:00

What the heck is wrong with me? I deserted you again. :( So sorry. So let's have a small catch up here.

What's new with me? (in bullet point format)

-My job still keeps me on my toes and frustrates the hell out of me but I have no plans to run off and be the next J.K. Rowling yet, so...HI HO, HI HO! (you know the rest)

-I'm working from home 2 days a week which has lightened the load a bit (yes Dave, I said "load"). It's allowed me to get more accomplished while still attending to a few more personal duties. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............

-I've been taking guitar lessons! It was my birthday present from my sweetheart. So far, I'm a rock star. In case you were wondering. I can make it through the first page of the harmony chords of "Let it Be". As long as the tempo allows for about 5 seconds in between beats so I can change chords. ;) I'm finding that Mr. "C Major" chord and I are not getting along so well. He's just all over the place and I've not done my womanly duty by learning to play him like the obviously MALE chord that he is. I will dominate him though...oh yes...I will dominate him. Mmwhahaha!

-So...moving backwards here in a stream of consciousness (sorry), but my birthday was sublime. :) It was perfect. It was the best birthday I've had in at least 6 years, maybe more. I am truly happier than I've been in my life. Some things are still tough, but I sure do have a bunch of great people who love on me, given the opportunity. Dave gave me guitar lessons, I bought myself a new guitar and got a sweet deal and I look like a bad ass with my new oohwahli! Baaaaaaaam! He also took me on a romantic harbor cruise which was something I'd never done before. Ahhhhh... :) I had my first crabs of the year, some scrumptious steamers and a few Buds at Cantlers on the water and just kicked back an enjoyed being pampered. Thank you for all the phone calls and emails and cards, my friends...it was a perfect day.
Here is a picture of the guitar I bought. Its so hot. ;)

-Oh let's see what else? Well as most of you know, I had a legal hearing yesterday to kind of sum up the "old life". I don't think it's appropriate to discuss on the blog, but I will at least tell you that it was really tough, but I have a lot of really supportive, loving people in my life. Thank you for being there, thanks for the phone calls and emails. You know who you are. If your calls were unanswered, believe me, it doesn't mean they weren't recognized and appreciated. You rock my world bloggies. :)

-I'm back at good old Curves again. Slowly but surely, but it feels good. I've got myself on a more regular schedule and that's always good. (WAPNER! 5 minutes!)

-Meg Ryan is a dipstick. Also, I hate Wilfred Brimley. He is a nincompoop. As I was telling Heather this afternoon, on Yahoo Messenger, because I was working so hard, when did this man become a role model to the point where he can so forcefully boss us around in commercials? Was it his starring role on "Our House" that sealed the deal? I mean first its OATS...then medical coverage for old people (not a stretch here) but now Country Crock? God what next? I liked Country Crock too.... damn. I did really like that Movie "In and Out" where Kevin Kline was a closet homosexual. Good laughs. Wilfred played his dad and Debbie Reynolds played his mom. Later in the movie, Debbie's character admits that her husband has three testicles...and its disgusting. You know what? I bet that's true. Jerk.

-J.K. Rowling is stirring up the Harry Potter nerds again: STORY. God people, calm down, it's not an actual death threat. News Flash - it's not like Harry Potter is real or something. JUST KIDDING! Omg, just kidding. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't joke about that kind of stuff. Forgive...

-I saw "The DaVinci Code". I don't remember if I liked it or not. It was THAT good. Next topic...
-I saw the girls a couple of times recently. They are SO BIG! And funny too. I don't know how my dad handles them though because they are all over the place like puppies. It's kind of scary how fast they can move. This scares me about parenthood. Who is really in charge? But cute and SILLY they can be. They had little pigtails with curls last I saw them.
Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Also, very precocious. If you ask Cameron what sound a shark makes, she will say: "Dun Dunt Dun dunt Dun dunt! (like Jaws). If you ask McKenna when she's crabby if she is feeling emotional, she will very dramatically tell you, "Yeeeeeeessssss!" What a goofy Lee. Want proof of THAT?
Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Cute. :)

-Eddie, the dog from Fraiser is dead. His name was actually Moose and he was 16. That's 112 in dog years. Say hello to Cozette, Moose. You two old fogies can hang out in animal heaven. Which by the way DOES exist.

-We had a girl's night at our house sometime in April, with a Mexican theme. I had a REALLY good time ladies...thanks for the fun. I'd like to especially thank Lindsay for guessing WEIRD AL YANKOVIC (which was the celebrity name taped to her back in the "guess which celebrity you are" game), but only when she was given the clue: "Tonight, Laura's hair looks like this singer-comedian's". Good times. Extra props to her for making me Kevin Federline. Holla!

-I am looking for something good to read on the Metro. I've worked my way through every book I own and I need something inspiring. Something that will make me anxious to get on that Metro and read each morning. Keep in mind I AM going to work, so it's going to have to be good enough to offset that. So any suggestions are very welcome.

Ok....I'm spent. If I think of anything even quasi-interesting to share (unlike this bunch of crap I just gave you) I will certainly add it to the mix.

Love ya! Miss ya!

Moody Bitch Reporting...

2006-05-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

I've been in such a foul mood lately. Either bitchy or quiet or exhausted or depressed...overall I have short patience (not patients...I am not a midget doctor). I just remembered the other day that when I did my Senior blurb in high-school (you know that thing that went underneath your picture where you put a lot of initials and abbreviations that 10 years later you have no idea what they stand for?) under my OWD (one word description) was the word: MOODY. My God, I was 17 years old! How sad is it that it's still SO true?

I just feel short tempered and I tend to get that self-righteous, "I'm tired of being taken advantage of", mad at the world thing going on. I hate people like that so I must try to avoid this at all costs. It's my job, for the most part. I know it. It's a real drag lately, and not because I'm bored. I dunno, I never want to get too far into it because it just upsets me. So when anyone asks how I am doing or how my job is, I just say, "Fine. Busy. Really busy. Stressful. But good, thanks." Really though? It's atrocious. I don't talk about it as much as I could because 1) I don't want to spend ANYMORE of my free time stressing over work. I give up enough as it is. 2) Talking about it makes me feel very negative because it is, and because of the stress and "who's on first?" way that business is handled in my office. 3) Anyone who is being kind enough to spend time with me after I've neglected all my friends and family and personal relationships in order to selfishly go through a total life shift that may very well just have landed me in a more hellacious job than I was in before...well, I don't want to run you kind souls off. :)

It would take a century to tell you all the things that are wrong and that stress me out about work. It's boring, and like I said...poisonously negative. Here's the bottomline: No one really likes their job. Every office has neurotic, overbearing coworkers, back-stabbers, liars, lazy asses, closet freak-shows, miscommunication and people who were actually trained to work inefficiently so they can be in control of every thing when really they are in control of nothing and are a treacherous bottleneck for the entire staff. I am and always have been foolish to think that I should love my job. I thought if I worked hard and studied hard and stayed creative and didn't sell out in a corporate sales position (even when it was hard as hell to find a marketing job), that I would love my job. Well maybe not. Do you know I'm actually afraid to pursue my dream, to be a writer, because I'm afraid I will find out that its WORK that I don't like and once I make my hobby my work, I will kill that dream too? (Also, do you buy that excuse for why I'm not a published writer yet???) ;)

So anyway, it's my job, and it's me. I feel like crap physically. I'm so out of shape. Well I'm in a shape, its a ROUND shape. I was never a thin athlete but I certainly felt better than I do right now. I feel like a ugly cow. I was looking at some of my old pictures and stuff and this time last year (or early last year) I was looking nice and feeling good. I was by NO MEANS thin or perfect, and I will be honest, although as a woman, I may never truly be content with my looks, I really did feel beautiful. I felt like I was nearing 30 and had turned a corner with my self confidence. I was finding peace between my inner and outer beauty that made me confident and, to put it bluntly, very appealing. Not that I'm tryna score some D...I actually get plenty of it and I'm pleased with the one I got. ;) (Yeah...still a ho). It's just...I dunno. I hate my reflection, I'm insecure where I wouldn't have been before and well, I fall asleep ALL the time now. Right after I eat. I eat too late (in part because of the pattern of stress and late arrivals home that I've gotten into because of my job) and when you have to make quick choices, they aren't always the best choices. I don't go to Curves anymore and I used to go EVERYDAY! I've yet to make this schedule work. I think I can keep a set schedule and then I get to work and crisis erupts and I end up blogging at 2pm when I should be taking care of the enormous crisis that has just ensued, as it always does on days when I want to maintain a schedule! I'm only doing it to escape for a little while.

So today I was going through some old pictures for motivation and I found some that were even older than THAT! :) And speaking of motivation, this is not a new concept for me (motivating myself to get in shape). I don't know if any of you have seen this before, but like 5 years ago I had a picture of Christy Turlington from Shape magazine (back when I used to love reading about eating and working out properly) on my refrigerator with my head on her body (a la Bridget Jones). Its purpose was to inspire me to STEP AWAY FROM THE FRIDGE! Next to it was a sign that said, "Nothing in here is going to fill the void. Don't bother looking." Well I did end up scanning it before it was tattered to pieces in one of the 4000 moves I made from 1999-2005, and I've just found it. It's funny (tick tick). It's before I learned how to do weird things in Photoshop, so it's literally a cut out pasted on a cut out. And here is Laura Turlington:

Niiiiiiiiiice, huh? Well that's not all I got...let's see who I can take down with me... hmmmm. Well here are some pics I found that make me feel happy (hey help me out here, I'm trying to get out of a "mood"). Some you've seen before...some not. :)

Awwww! Lindsay and Laura! Drinking Beast!

Whoa! Blast from the past! :)

I assure you, this monkey has a bell on her tail!

Two beauties before a night of drunken debauchery in New Orleans.

Me n' an insane Canadian I met in New Orleans. Jk, that's my friend Sean (who also happens to be an insane Canadian)

SEX-EEEE! Lindsay in front of the Hustler Club in N.O. looking for work. ;)

One of our winter trips to NYC. I miss that!

awww. ;) Oh stop making puke noises. I'm in luhv.

Who wouldn't smile at this?

That is my foot compared to Lindsay's. Guess which one is mine. We had a good laugh over this. No, I am not an illegal alien.

With Nikki at the Ramshead having beers and crabdip. Goodtimes.

A simple concept. This is proof that sometimes you've just got to put it in your mouth to see if it tastes good. (Dont go there perverts, that's my baby sister).

Aba-dee! Aba-dee! That's all folks! Smell ya later.

Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating...

2006-05-11T12:39:00.000-05:00

...to quote one of my favorite movies, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Now I'm going to blog about nothing just to talk. ;)

So, I know you all quit blogging because I did, but if you would kindly notice the trend, you will see that I am blogging again. So yeah, um, you can blog now too. Please?

Sooooo...what to say, what to say...I got nuthin. haha The weather sucks a fatty. I feel so lethargic. This morning I stepped in a TWO puddles and did the squeaky flip-flop walk to work. I just wanna go home and get in bed and finish reading The DaVinci Code. How can I just sit here and WORK when Langdon and Sophie need me? When I left them last they were in a real pickle! So yeah, life is so hard for me. It's so unfair that I'm expected to work on a Thursday, but ANYWAY... How about a cheesy joke?

A guy walks into a clock shop and is looking everywhere like a doofus. The sales person walks over to him and says, "Can I help you find something sir?"

The guy replies, "Well, um, yeah...could you tell me where I can find a potato clock?"

The salesperson says, "Um Excuse me? We don't have potato clocks here, may I ask why it is you're looking for this item?"

The guy says, "Well my boss told me that I wouldn't be late for work anymore if I got a potato clock." (Ba dum dum chaaaa!)

Hilarious. Maybe you have to hear me tell it. "a potato clock" "up at 8 o'clock"... Get it? Get it?

Oh, here are new pictures of the girls. That'll hold ya over until I have another brilliant revelation. ;)

2006-05-09T11:02:00.000-05:00

When I feel that nobody loves me

Nobody cares for me

And that everyone is ignoring me

I start to ask myself...

Am I too sexy?

Air, SHMAIR!

2006-05-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

This is my yearly "David Blaine" posting. What the hell is this guy doing now?

Check it out; Bubble-Boy Blaine lived in a glass sphere of water for a week and then tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes. This is not magic. The world record is 8 minutes 58 seconds and he went for 9. Did I mention, this is not magic?

Just a few random thoughts (like 25 of 'em) that I jotted down while I was watching:
1) I couldn't do this, so everything I'm about to say doesn't really mean jack because, what have I ever done in my live?
2) What is the purpose of this? I mean given, I am entertained. I am enthralled . I'm even blogging whilst I watch this TWO HOUR SPECIAL for a 9 minute performance. But really...what?
3) Ok, he's doing it. He looks like he's in pain and its only been 6 minutes.
4) Why is he CHAINED on top of everything?
5) He is shaking violently. How cool is this?
6) ABC is experiencing technical difficulties NOW. I love it.
7) His lips are blue now. Eww, I don't think that's normal.
8) He didn't make it. He made it only 7 minutes. He's a little upset.
9) I feel really bad for him right now.
10) What an idiot! Who does this and WHY? He could be brain-damaged! Retarded people don't do advanced magic. Ask Neville Longbottom!
11) Who was this guy talking him through it? He's annoying. I bet that's why Blaine couldn't pull it off. He had to come to the surface to tell this guy to shut the *&^% up.
12) How embarrassing...man, the divers had to come in and get him...now he is live on the air, convulsing and breathing into a bag. All this Navy Seal training just to fail to do the 'impossible' in front of the entire nation. AND he lost 50 lbs to do this! I bet he's going to binge eat tomorrow.

13) There are a lot of hot single girls at this thing chanting his name. I am starting to see why this might have been an ok idea.
14) Why the hell did he live in this bubble tank for 177 hours before THIS stunt? He was already like an inch from death! And how did that 1 week work with um, bodily functions? I'm referring of course to masterbation. Who goes that long without doing it?
15) Oh, whoops. I answered my own question. Article. Still...WTF?
16) He is STILL blue.
17) He's talking to the crowd now and his first words are that he's humbled by the support of NYC and he's crying on air. Oh man he's really upset...aww man I feel so bad for him. How touching.
18) What an IDIOT!
19) Now they are saying that he did spend more time underwater than any human being ever this week. Good job.
20) He's got terrible pain in his feet and legs, yet he insists on walking down the ladder. MEN! I don't get it. Doctors said that after being in that tank all week, there really is no way he would be able to stand or walk. He was chained and handcuffed at 8 different parts of his body. Ya know, its a shame he wasn't able to turn all that testosterone into OXYGEN. Plan B, eat some gillyweed and grow some gills like Harry Potter.
21) This is the best part of the show, checking for medical signs and everything seeing if his fingers are numb and if his fingernails are blue and they are showing his hands and the worst case of pruney fingers I have EVER seen, and ABC is ending the show with closing music. ABC sucks! A 2 hour show and then jipped? What-EVER.
22) His skin is sluffing! I'm going to throw up. People are not supposed to live in water! Did he not get this memo?
23) Any of you who've ever read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown (YES, I'm still sweating Dan Brown, sorry) have to remember that part where the Cardinal is chained inside in the fountain and you're reading the book from his perspective as he drowns. How chilling is that? The part that struck me most was how his body started to convulse from lack of air right before he drowned to death. I believe that is what I've just witnessed tonight. Oh but his chest wasn't branded with an anagram, so nevermind. ;)
24) I officially liked it better when he was messing with the natives. See former lauralee blog titled: Try, try, try to understand...he's a Magic Man, mama! to see what I'm talking about here.

25) He's blue...he's sluffing...and yet, he's still kind of cute. I think I'm just a sucker for those frighteningly weird guys who would do anything for attention. Ahhhhh. But not Nikki...she's still a pickle-phobe!

Ok...see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya (especially if you're David Blaine).

Leonardohmygodavinci is my homeboy!

2006-05-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

AHA! You thought I'd disappear didn't you?! Not so fast 'Oh-Negative-One', I got a little bit-o-nothin to share with you on this dreary Monday.

So, today's blog, like I said, is about nothing important. Much like the "news" I hear on Thursday mornings about what happened on LOST Wednesday night, I'm just going to say random opinionated sh*t about nothing really important or factual and call it "news".

THIS JUST IN!

I want to see The DaVinci Code. I can't WAIT to see The DaVinci Code. This movie (and the book... don't forget, it was based on real literature) is the answer to this generation's cries to the media, "GIVE OUR LIVES MEANING, PLEASE! Teach us about art n' culture n' sh*t, but make it fun and somewhat quotable (ie: Seinfeld and The Simpsons)! Put Tom Hanks in it! Let Ron Howard direct it! Who better to teach us about history's 'factual' events, such as Jesus and Apollo 13 (not to be confused with one another), than OPIE from Andy Griffith?" And, NO, he is never going to escape that stigma. No way, Paw. (everybody whistle: Doo doot doot DOOO doo doot doot DOO dootootdoo Doooo doot doo-doo, doot! )

I read the book a few years ago, around the time that it came out. It was recommended to me like so: "Here, you can have this piece of junk if you want. Its on the best-seller list but I found it highly ridiculous, far-fetched, sacrilegious and offensive. It's hard to follow and I felt nervous the entire time I was reading it. Plus, some of the 'art stuff' could really drag on and on. You don't have to return it. As a Catholic, you probably won't like it either, but it's all the rave."

Exsqueeze me? Holy Grail, SIGN ME UP! I won't say who "recommended" it to me, but it's safe to say that considering the source, I took it as a glowing recommendation which I promptly spent 2 days reading non-stop. I loved it. I'm always reading something, so to stumble upon something that actually engaged me, (in the bleak desert of "Oprah's book club"novels) that wasn't the beacon of light that was the latest installment of Harry Potter, was refreshing and exciting. And, let me just tell you, it was NOT hard to follow. I am the biggest brain-candy addict you will find (for example, I consider reading the cereal box front-to-back a 'good read'), and I loved it and found it fascinating. I also realize its FICTION (sorta). ;) I won't go on but a small rant here, but not only did my "recommender" denounce the book as a religious abomination, the Vatican called for a world-wide boycott of the book, claiming it was "an attack on Christianity itself" and raised the question of dangerous rumor-spreading propaganda versus constructive thought provoking best-seller. WHAT?! How are things getting better when the Vatican is denouncing works of FICTION and trying to make sure no one reads it, lest they believe it and turn on the church? Should we go hide in an attic from Pope Carl Marx the II? What f*cking year is this? What a ridiculous waste of time. I actually heard an ad on the radio this morning from some Christian church, that started with a short excerpt read from Dan Brown's The DaVinci Code, after which the pastor quickly explained to all of us, in a Baltimore accent, that what Mr. Brown wrote is WRONG and offensive. Pastor Insane-o asked his audience, "Hello?! Would hundreds of thousands of people died for their religious belief that Jesus was in fact GOD himself if it weren't' true??? I think not, Mr. Brown." Oh, hmmm I never thought of it that way. Im convinced! BURN YOUR BOOKS!!! To be honest, I didn't really even get the point of what this man was arguing. Was it that The DaVinci Code was a great work of fiction about the controversial history of Christianity and the many theories of free-expression associated with it? Oh wow, thanks for the news flash. Thank you also from author, Dan Brown, for paying a couple Gs to advertise his work! He'll be sure to thank you in his fictional, sacrilegious hedonistic prayers. Doo doot doot DOOO doo doot doot DOO dootootdoo Doooo doot doo-doo, doot!

Dan Brown is a genius. Not only did he spread the religious truth (haha, just kidding) he researched art and religion (Christianity and Paganism alike) enough to make this thriller realistic, he picked a hot topic and a literary timeline that's perfect for a country full of A.D.D. sufferers! 24 hours! Fugitives, murder, police-chases, riddles, puzzles, *corporal mortification, albinos, the Cliff's Notes version of the Louvre...what more could a pop-culture enthusiast (aka: an American) ask for? (Besides Tom Hanks) Hello? Can we say, 'work of art'?

Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a huge rant, it was supposed to be all about me. :) So back on topic. I want to see The DaVinci Code! I'm rereading it on the subway and it's almost intriguing enough for me to make it from New Carrollton to Foggy Bottom without obsessing about the wackos on the train and ALMOST interesting enough that I don't angrily focus on the disgusting smells of these people who know nothing of personal hygiene or sanity. I think those two qualities are in fact related. As one diminish, so does the other. That's the DaLaura Code unraveled.

O Foul Metropolitan Devil!
O Lame Homeless Saint!

So, I'm here to share some interesting information regarding The DaVinici Code official movie website. It's cool! And it won't reveal much about the movie, or the book, should you be reading it currently (eh-hem...Dave). I urge you to check out this clip below...an interview of Ron Howard by the ever so cutesy Katie Couric, about the May 19th release. In it is "unseen footage". I really enjoyed it! Its neato. Plus, like I said, it won't ruin anything even if you aren't done with the book. Well, you have to have read at LEAST the first 70 pages. If you haven't then you might see some stuff that you wont understand because um...YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK YOU ILLITERATE FOOL! Ok, click here for clip.

Also on that site are pictures of the actors that play the key roles. I'd say for the most part they made good choices. Hopefully we will be able to fuse Tom Hanks and Robert Langdon within the first 5 minutes of the movie without thinking, "I luhv yooo Duh-vin-chee! You and me wuz like peas n' carruts". I for one will have to abstain from imagining the theme song from Bosum Buddies or wondering if Langdon will actually FIND the Zoltar wishing machine that gave him the DaVinci Code that subsequently turned him into an 11 year old boy trapped in the body of a over-educated, pathetically single, 45 year old Harvard Professor. But doubt not! I am up to the challenge. :)

So, who's with me? Who's going to rush to the box office on the 19th like a 'TRL loving' lemming? Sign up now...there's apparently a LOT of insane people who want to sit next to me, whether it be on a crowded metro or a packed movie theater. I wanted YOU crazies to have first pick. I only ask that you please have proper hygiene. Thank you. :)

*corporal mortification - ie: a cilice...what a nice accesory!

Home Alooooooooooone!!!

2006-05-01T16:10:00.000-05:00

Gurl, you know it's true! Ohh oooh oooh-hoo I luv yoo(hoo)!

So gurls and boyz, this makes two blogs in three days. Can I get some reckanization up in here? Can you puleeze stop the violence in Dafur for five minutes and read my blog and appreciate? Here's hopin...

Soooooooooooo.....

Guess who is Home Alooooooooone!!! (Psst...it ME. Thought I'd help ya out). No, I am not home alone with McCauley Caulkin but if I were, no doubt he would be teaching me to spell his name correctly in between molesting me or trying to marry me (as if!). No, it's just me, myself and my messes. I had my roommate sent away to a "special" school for being too anal retentive. :) There she will learn to make messes, embrace dirt and dust, and leave her dirty clothes and shoes on the floor or on her bed, strategically pushing them to the side she's not sleeping on before going to bed. I TRIED to teach her all of this, as I have mastered the art myself, but it just didn't seem to be "taking". So thankfully, they had room for one more in Pig-sty camp and she got in! And it was a surprise too...shhhhhh...she thinks she's going to Tampa for a week to visit her parents and soak up the sun. HA! Try, soak up the dirt! Then roll around in it! (Damn I'm almost jealous, it sounds like fun). Just yesterday, a certain sister of mine (it would be wrong of me to say which one) was telling me how she was too tired the night before to wash her feet before going to bed, even at the valiant beseeching of her boy-toy (ie: "Get your nasty dirty feet off my bed please.") Apparently, she was not able to emotionally bring herself to do the task. See, that's what I'm talking about people. She doesn't need to go to this school, she INVENTED this school. Her and everyone like her with dirty feet. My feet are filthy right now as a tribute. Hell yes!

ok, ok, I'm full of crap...she DID go to Florida, but the part about me making messes of astronomical proportions was TRUE! Though, I'm already on my way with my bedroom, thanks to the recent collapse of the shelves in my walk-in closet...waaaaa!

So I'll have to work on the other rooms. Kitchen? Let's take a vote. You comment and tell me which room to mess up and I'll pick "at random". ;) Psyche! :) Nikki if you're reading this...do not panic. I wouldn't dream of letting you come home to a messy house. So that's 4 days to mess and 1 to clean. That's math.

Ok I'm out. Hope y'all read my previous post. I think I blew my creative load on that one given the fact that there is a picture of friggin MCCAULEY CAULKIN on the top of this one. You know you've hit creativity when he's involved. ;)

Later taters...

RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENCY EXAM

2006-04-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right. A test that would allow you to earn credit for past dating experience so you could pick up a new relationship where the old one left off. (Piece-a-cake!)

There's nothing worse than almost marrying someone (or even marrying them), breaking it off, and having to start all over with a blind date. It's like failing your senior year of high school and having to go back to kindergarten. And now, thanks to the media blitzes, we know that single women don't have the time, patience, or eggs for that kind of setback.

I was happy to read that, despite all the hoopla (and there was significant hoopla, including the cover of Time magazine), Sylvia Ann Hewlett's book about the "epidemic of childlessness" is not selling. I love that it's not selling. I feel that by not buying this book (Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children), thousands of fabulous, single, thirty-something, career-minded, childless-but-hopeful women like myself essentially covered our ears and said, "I can't hear you la la la."

The thing is, telling women--especially single women--that they need to hurry up and have children is like telling an elderly woman with a walker that she needs to get across the street faster. She wants to get across the street. She's trying to get across the street. Yelling that the light is changing and cars are coming will not help her get across the street.

One thing that would help us get across the street is shortening the time we spend in less-than-stellar-relationships. And one reason these relationships can take years is that we've always had to start over from scratch. And although this can be quite fun, after the umpteenth time it's exhausting already! But no more, because I have devised the time - and egg saving Relationship Equivalency Exam! This exam is completely unscientific, but until someone comes up with a better one, this is the standard. :)

You and only you can determine whether your date's answers merit relationship credit, allowing him/her to place out of that particular relationship stage (brilliant!) This exam should be administered over drinks, because if all goes well, you might be moving in rather than going to dinner. Annnnnnd go...

RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENCY EXAM FOR MEN

1) English: What does it mean when you say, "I'll call you"?
2) Math: How many women can you have sex with and still be monogamous?
3) Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, "I love you"?
4) Economics: Who pays for dinner if your date makes more that you, and how long before you resent her for it?
5) Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink, knowing full well your girlfriend needs the whole sink for her items.

RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENCY EXAM FOR WOMEN

1) English: When you say, "I'm not in a rush to get married," define the word "rush".
2) Math: Is the amount of minutes it takes you to evaluate a date as a potential husband more than or equal to the amount of time it takes you to identify and ignore the red flags?
3) Psychology: Other than abject fear, what are some possible reactions to the words, "I need space"?
4) Economics: How much should you pay for an apartment you never visit in order to keep a boyfriend from freaking out that you live in his?
5) Physics: Find a way to arrange your bathroom items on your half of the sink while still maintaining the illusion that you wake up looking this good.

Pencils down. Break up or marry accordingly. ;)

(I urge all of you single or newly single or not-so-single women to check out a good read: The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack)

Now one comment on my extended absence and then we'll move on to me blogging more, and you forgiving me and us forgetting this ever happened. :) I'm soooooo sorry bloggies that I dropped off the face of the earth. My job is basically kicking my ass and I've lacked the time or drive to do much else (besides Dave of course...we must make time!) Though, I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive and still visit thelauralee from time to time and I in-turn will make a full-fledged effort to blog daily...ummmm, or weekly! Let's start with weekly and see how that goes, si?

So, to answer your pleas and address your admonishments, I will say that ALTHOUGH I've been busier that a blind long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs (or better yet, a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest), I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! :)

Now, this is where you comment...

Love,
thelauralee

ps: Happy 2nd birthday to my lil sweeties this weekend! May, Elmo teach you to use the potty and may Princess Ariel's creepy song not haunt your dreams until you turn three.

Happiness is a warm gun

2006-01-27T12:59:00.000-05:00

bang, bang, shoot, shoot.

Right you are Fab 4, right you are. Anyone else out there in a "White Album" kind of mood as well? By that I of course mean insane, political, apathetic, symphonic, in love, depressed, satirical, resentful, violent and maybe somewhat communist?

Maybe its all too simple for our brains to figure out...

2006-01-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

But, what if the Hokey Pokey really IS what its all about?

Im starting to think it might be. You?

Why don't you...

2006-01-25T22:59:00.000-05:00

Bon Appetit.

I know...so mature.

Heeeeeeeee's baaaaaack!

2006-01-19T15:41:00.000-05:00

After a 6 month hiatus, my brother is back to blogging and is in full force indeed! Without further explanation, check it out here. Chris's very angry but funny blog.

Whew! I'munna tell youz...when a Lee gotta express...a Lee gotta express. Way ta handle yer bidness brutha ;) Publically of course.

Chrissy (since I know you love it when I call you that), I wish you the very best of luck and I'm here to chat with you and go on long meaningless rants about how mcuh other people suck at your LEZ-iure. Anytime. (Hell, I was ready for that anyway!)

I love you and you're a very special boy. Just don't forget you're loveable, funny, smart, supportive, generous, compassionate and you own every DVD under the sun including every season of the Simpsons and the Family Guy. Who wouldn't want to date you? I bet Dave would! ;) haha

Ok everyone...brace yourself for some hard-nosed comedy. Be sure to leave him a comment. God knows he cares what you think. Yeaaaaaaah. ;)

2006-01-19T13:37:00.000-05:00

XXXtra Virgin

2006-01-13T11:37:00.000-05:00

So the Catholic Church is in the news again. Stunning isn't it?

Today is Friday the 13th (which I will skip right over since it's silly) and I arrive this morning late as usual after having stood and watched a huge fire on 23rd and L like nosy Aunt Petunia. Everything was "under control" so I felt it would be ok for me to "move along", because there was "nothing to see here". Supposedly. ;) So I get in and check the old email and I've got and email from one of my favorite news stations, WTOP. So I go on to look at all the issues online and this fire seems to have screwed up traffic in a huge radius stretching all the way through midtown. Then...I get to the nitty gritty of why I like this site. Under NEWS there is a category called "SERIOUSLY?" and its a bunch of weird little stories, all of which I love and here's the ringer for today:

Catholic Magazine Apologizes Over Ad
NEW YORK (AP) - A Jesuit magazine has apologized after inadvertently publishing an advertisement for a Virgin Mary statue wrapped in a condom that an artist intended as a protest against the church's opposition to condom use.

The Rev. Drew Christiansen, editor-in-chief of America, said in a note to readers that the condom was not visible in the black and white proofs that were used to review the final draft of the Dec. 5 issue, which appeared with color photos.

"We are returning payment for the ad and protesting the abuse to the artist," Christiansen wrote to subscribers.

The headline for the ad read, "Unique Contemporary Religious Art Work for Sale." In the text, the statue was called "Extra Virgin," and was described as "a stunning 22 cm high statue of the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex."

The statue was made by Steve Rosenthal, who said he was an artist in London. Rosenthal released a statement Thursday saying he placed the ad as a protest for World AIDS Day against Vatican opposition to the use of condoms to stem the spread of the disease. World AIDS Day is Dec. 1.

"I at no time tried to dupe or deceive `America' magazine," Rosenthal said. "The description of the work was clear by both the text included and image provided."
The Rev. Jim Martin, associate editor, called the ad "a deliberate attempt to embarrass us and denigrate Mary."

"The word condom is not in the ad," Martin said Thursday. "The word `latex' for a celibate priest does not register as it might with lay people."

Christiansen said America was changing how it reviewed ads in response to the mistake. Martin said the magazine, which has a circulation of about 46,000, received a few dozen complaints from readers.

America previously had been the target of criticism from church officials.
The Vatican's doctrinal watchdog, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, pressed Jesuit leaders to remove the previous editor, the Rev. Thomas Reese, after the magazine published articles by scholars who took issue with Catholic teaching, according to sources in the religious order. Reese resigned in May.

Niiiiiiiiice. Gotta love a flub-bub like that one. So yes, I like this section of WTOPnews.com indeed. Coming in at a very close second however was the story of the 19-year-old PETA staffer who has legally changed his name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com. Check it out.

Mr. Garnett, er, I mean Mr. KentuckyFriedCruelty.com said in a statement, "People don't believe me at first when I tell them my name, but it never fails to spark a discussion."

REALLY? No way.

Also, It's not an 'accurate' article until you've quoted Pamela Anderson: "I'm sure Chris can't wait 'till KFC stops torturing chickens so he can change his name back," the actress said in a statement, adding that the chicken abuse "is awful and has to stop."

Yeah man! What she said! ;) I personally think that it would be a fitting lesson if he was not permitted to change it back...ever. Now...I'm off to go abuse some chicken (on a roll).

Muggles amuse me.

2006-01-13T10:24:00.000-05:00

This morning I get a voicemail from my sister that shes spotted a bumper sticker that said: "Voldemort for President". She was delighted to "get" the humor in that. You dont have to be a wizard or a witch to get the humor in that one. So I go to a particularly favorite website of mine and turns out there are a ton of bumper stickers and t-shirts, mugs, etc. with witty HP comments...some very "inside".

Check it out yourself at Cafe Press but here are a few of my favorites:

Welcome to 2006! It's a lot like 2005, but you're older and uglier!

2006-01-12T15:41:00.000-05:00

just kiddin...you look mah-vel-lush!

Happy New Year bloggies! I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season and that everyone is well. Well actually, I know you aren't well. In fact I don't think I know one well person right now; Everyone is sick! I was myself for two weeks but now I'm only having coughing fits that escalate to gags about twice a day rather than every 5 minutes...so things are looking up. ;) So get better people! People don't like you when you're sick. Seriously...do you like sick people?

I thought I would pop on and say hello and post some pictures of the girls at the holidays. They have gotten so big that being around them is exhilarating and fun, yet I cant help but feel a little secret anxiety that there are two of them, they are smart and they are Lee's...they could stage a revolt at any moment and I would be left defenseless. I'm only one Lee! And not very intelligent... so I hope they can't sense my fear. I think I'm safe though. I get the impression they love me n stuff since pretty much every time someone calls them on their little toy phone, it ends up being for MOI and they have no problems transferring the call to me and putting the phone to my ear. That's service!

Anyway, Erin got them the cutest Christmas gift this year. It was an electronic keyboard and microphone, along with a percussion set. They figured it out in just a few minutes of having opened it. See? I'm telling you...they are like circus folk or aliens the way they work together and have secret powers and means of communication.

SO...without further rambling...I present...the littlest Lee's:

I'm FIFTY years old and I can kick and bend and KICK! 50!

2006-01-09T17:14:00.000-05:00

Its been a while so I have to post SOMETHING..keep the flame burnin! This made me giggle. Men...even old ones...such rascals! ;)

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the Clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "that was incredible, how you could tell?'
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't."she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Dear Santa...

2005-12-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

My aunt sent this link to me. Originally I thought, oh haha, that's cute, a mad lib...Ill do it later. But then I just figured, what the heck Ill do it now :) I have time to spare...I'm procrastinating, so natuarlly I welcome this "must do" task. So maybe its the fact Im a little sleepy or just a big goof, but this letter had me laughing. Here is the link: Dear Santa

Here's how mine turned out. Feel free to posts yours in my comment section! Happy Holidays!

To: Santa ClausNorth Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at Dave's Office party. It was Lindsay who spiked the punch with too much moonshine. I can't help it if I drank 35 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like farts.

I thought it was funny when I put Nikki's pashmina on my head and danced the funky chicken on the chaise lounge while singing `Mony Mony'. I didn't mean to break Dave's programable vibrator and don't know why Dave would accuse me of prostitution.

I don't remember calling Ryan T's wife a chubby goat---even though she looked like one with purple eye shadow and puce lipstick!

And when I threw up on Heather C's husband's left nut, it was only because I ate too much of that garlic hummus.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my dirt bike through my neighbor's cellar. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a boney gorilla and have me arrested for flashing!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all hairy and horny. And I'm really not to blame for any of this retarded stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and queerly yours,
Laura (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 69 bucks!

Psst...wanna hear about the 12 inches of magic I got last night???

2005-12-21T12:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday sucked. I think I was just stressed out, overly emotional and being a total girl. I left work late and my back hurt and I was just a miserable bitch all around. By the time I got home I was ready to just crash and have the day be over. BUT...it wasnt. ;) Things got better really quick.

Last night I got home and on my front step was a package (no doubt delivered by OWL POST) tied up in paper and twine with a note tied in ribbon that said :

LAURA LEE

I open it up and its a letter from Mr. Olivander of Olivander's Wand Shop, Diagon Alley, London, England telling me that it was most unusual for him to send a wand to someone, let alone a muggle, but that this particular wand is anxious to find its owner. Me. This letter explains that a friend of mine, who is a well respected wizard, was in his shop recently and said that I have powers that I've yet to recognize and the wand JUMPED out of the box and into his pocket and refused to leave his pocket until Mr. Olivander promised to send it to me, its rightful owner. He said he'd never seen anything like it in 2000 years of wandmaking, so he had unite it with its proper match.

The letter then gave a full appraisal and description of a wand, that it was 12" and had a phoenix feather core, it was made of maple (or at least it said so...tasted like it) and that he'd taken the liberty of enclosing an extra feather from the same bird, since I live in the US and its difficult to get to London, I can take that feather to any respectable wand maker and that shop will make the repairs...the feather would show them all they need to know. haha! At this point, I was in full nerd highgear. The remaining pages include 8 chapters on wand care that were hilarious and so detailed witty. It was amazing.

Then I open the package and its a glass and wood display box with frosted windows, very glittery and inside is a WAND!!! My wand. Its long and thin and wooden and a little glittery and it has a small piece of the phoenix feather protruding from the end where you hold it (since it is 700 years old and supposedly that is a characteristic of an old wand) and the end is silver. The inside of the box is purple velvet that glitters all over. hah! Its perfect for me. :)

Can you believe it?! How creative. It is so intricate and the papers that came with it are all written exactly as if it were sent to a real witch or wizard right out of Harry Potter (and maybe it WAS! hmmmmm) ;) Olivander's seal is on the letter and everything.

So...needless to say...Im happy! I freaked. I sure will say this: there is a little elf out there that worked very hard on this that must love me very much to go to so much trouble in making this early Christmas gift. It's the best gift ever and I'm already trying to realize my power, but I imagine I should start smaller than the "clean my whole room" spell that I'm working on. ;)

THANK YOU soooo much Mr. Olivander....wow...should we ever meet, I will have to find some way to thank you for the best 12" of magic I ever got (at least by mail). :)

Now let's see if I can transfigure Nikki into a digital camera and take some pictures of this bad boy for yeh...

Babies...in a BAR!

2005-12-13T10:03:00.000-05:00

the twins in key west having a beer bottle

Beach babies :)

Opps. Well thats one way to learn to swim!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree...

2005-12-09T11:52:00.000-05:00

....Da da de daaa dooo dooot doooooooo! I don't know the words to the rest of the first verse. :) Apparently no one does. No one I know at least. I don't know many people though, so...

I haven't been blogging much lately and I went and took a look at some of my old blogs and I realized that on one hand I got the excessive blogging under control, but on the other hand, where for art thou lauralee? I'm feeling stagnant in the creativity department, so let's see what we can do about that...

Prologue: 2005...WTF?!
It's been a hell of a year kiddies and I can't believe its the holidays again. Without being too morose, I will say that last year was practically unbearable. I felt like I must have been constantly surrounded by Dementors. I thought the life had been sucked out of me and I'd never be happy again. Christmas is funny ya know? It's so traditional, yet volatile. It can make me happy as I can be one year, and desperate for it to be over the next. Actually, let me clarify that...I think my holiday mood is circumstantial. Anyway, without dwelling...most of you know, last year was hard. But golly gee willikers, its been an amazing year! Lots of good and some really tough stuff too, but I can safely say that my life has had an 'Extreme Makeover'. And that homo-erectus, Ty, had nothing to do with it. It was all me baby.

So in the spirit of the holidays and the fact that this year I'm happy and hopeful and excited...I'm going to write an "Ode to the Christmas Tree" blog because, that's one of my favorite parts of the holiday; putting together the perfect tree. In the spirit of being Laura Lee, however, I will also pose my usual weird Jerry Seinfeld-esque theories as well as raising many foolish and rhetorical questions. :) It's my job.

The task of putting up the Christmas tree, makes for many interesting queries to ponder: Is erecting the Christmas Tree with someone else indicative of your ability to be able to work together on projects successfully? (and a chance to use the word erecting?) And to delve further, if you happen to constantly encounter snafus and tension in such acts as putting up the tree, is it possible that YOU are incapable of working well with others? Let's examine this in the context of "couples", shall we?

I'm happy to present this composition titled:

"Merry Christmas dammit! I love you but the tree is f*cking crooked!"

I haven't had a tree in 3 years and it's been lousy. Circumstances weren't prime to say the least. BUT, I love having a real tree. The smell, the way it looks when you've put all the lights on, the way I get to look at each and every one of my ornaments, one for every year of my life and "remember". That's just it. Every year I get to look at them and remember all the happy Christmases I've had. Some of my ornaments remind me of sad times, but either way, memories are treasures and mine are priceless.

The History...
This year, Nikki purchased "a high quality artificial tree at a very reasonable price." I'm going to have to quote her there because buying an artificial tree is something I've never been able to really grasp. So needless to say, I've never shopped the "synthetic tree market" for competitive prices, so I'll take her word for it. In my inflated opinion, unless its a health hazard to me (and were talking like BOILS or something), or harmful to someone in my family like a baby (and in some instances, a pet) then I want a real live tree! Though I must say that the pet clause has to be very extreme. Animals adapt very well to things like TREES...mainly due to the fact that ANIMALS ARE SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN THE WILD...so do trees, so under domestic circumstances, doesn't it makes sense that everyone would all just get along? Also, if I had a baby that got into everything (or two!), I suppose I'd consider it, but likely I would think, "Well if the baby pulls a real tree down on him/herself, they can sure as hell pull a FAKE one down on themselves and that's METAL!" So pretty much, I'm a real tree girl and always will be. I have no problems cleaning up the needles if they drop...everyday if need be. I'll water it. I'll even decorate it. In fact, you might even catch me turning towards it and praying 5 times a day. I worship the perfect tree!

But alas, no real tree at my house this year, which is probably just as well because now-a-days I'm never home and the tree might miss me. :) SO, I have to admit I sulked a bit, quietly, because I thought that was a dumb thing to be put out by. But there's a lot behind those feelings, you see. Like I said, I hadn't had a real tree (or any tree) in 2 years and that was a Christmas tradition with my family. It's ingrained in my very being. It makes me happy. I look forward to it all year long and I'm not even kidding. Not having a tree these past two years was sad. Without going too much into it, basically I wasn't in a happy home and I wouldn't have even brought a living tree into that place, let alone children or pets. So, this year, I was really looking forward to Christmas because I'm happy! Happier than I think I've ever been, or at least in a very very long time. That is AMAZING. It's also cause for celebration. So my friend DR (who is one of the reasons that I am very happy this year) offered to have a tree at his house and have it be "our tree". I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I can't actually think of a more awesome gift. Proposing this idea, sums up everything I think and feel about the holidays. So I was really looking forward to doing this together. For the most part... ;)

Tree Trimming Tension...
I anticipated some "tree erecting tension" to be honest. We're still trying the ropes on doing projects together and this was a really good one to test our resolve I think. Harmless, but indicative maybe? Seems like a simple thing: buy the tree, get it home, put it in the stand, enjoy! But damn if it's not the biggest bitch getting that friggin thing in a MF stand every time! Maybe it's my stand, I don't know (zip it DR) haha, but this has been an issue for a long time where arboreal bliss and thelauralee are concerned. I was worried that we would bicker about how to get it in there, how to get it straight, who was going to do what, what was "the front", what was regulation size to be considered "a big gaping hole" in the natural flow of the branches, etc. ;) Plus, pine needles are called needles for a reason. They hurt dammit. This makes me a bit snippy, I'll admit. Not a fan of pain here...hence my penchant for OTC drugs.

In the End...
I'm pleased to report....we survived. Yey! The tree is fanfreakintastic. There were some tense moments. Some funny ones too. Some moments were funny to me and not to him AT ALL...and vice versa. The bottomline is that the tree is up and decorated and its the most beautiful tree I've ever seen. Ever. Maybe everything just seems that much better in his company, but regardless, this is truly the perfect tree.

Back to the secondary point and that is, Why DO people argue about how to get the tree up? I'm starting to think its just me, since no one can really help me substantiate this claim as of yet. I'll admit, part of the issue is that I tend to think that I am a good thinker in situations like that. I mean, give me the SAT and I probably would score "Forrest Gump" levels on that, but give me a tough stain, a broken piece of furniture, a broken pair of glasses, a ripped pair of pants, a nappy spot in the carpet where wax dripped down the dresser during you S&M rituals...you name it, I can fix it. I am just good like that. I can come up with excellent homeopathic cures also and I'm the over the couter queen as I've mentioned! I think part of it is that I just don't give up on those little problems and I try a lot of different things. Another part of it is because I want to do people favors and make them happy when they are frustrated, but also, I think I just have decent common sense when it comes to resolving little meaningless problems and issues (of a non-emotional nature). Maybe I'm wrong. Anyone who's ever disagreed with me or done a project with me might object, haha, but because I think I am good in those areas, I get controlling. I'm not always the best team player. I get set on my proposed solution and I want everyone to agree and help out willingly (and quietly, haha). So, it's hard for me to do projects with people sometimes. It was the same way with my last partner in crime. Be it the Christmas tree, grilling (by all mean do NOT tell that boy anything about grilling lest you suffer his wrath), hooking up electronics, etc., I think men, and Laura, just like to be useful and efficient and in charge. :)

The moral of the story...
I'm working on it. I have to bite my tongue a lot. It's an important lesson that I've unfortunately learned the hard way in many instances, but compromise and teamwork are GOOD THINGS. All people think differently from one another. This is an advantage, not a hindrance. Though supporting the tree with broken headphone wire tied to the curtain rod isn't exactly my preferred method of bracing the tree, ;) it doesn't mean it doesn't A) work! B) matter if its the BEST way or c) help make someone else feel like a problem solver too.

So, as always...I'm a work in progress. This project, and many others might have posed some challenges in "couples teamwork", but the outcome was perfect...so that's all that matters. :)

Thank you so much DR...I love our tree and I miss it all day long! Now let's see what i can so about rounding up a picture of "The Perfect Tree" for youz. ;)

Oh ma gawd! It totally looks just like me!

2005-12-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

Here is my Yahoo Avatar, which is Mexican for "cartoon picture that's supposed to look like me but doesn't really" . I obviously cannot change certain physical aspects which is why my legs look like 2 popsicle sticks.

Notice the ambiance. Now that IS me. A tailgate party off the back of a red pick-up. Good times. Judging by my foreign look though, that's probably Dos Equis in the cooler. Go Skins!

2005-12-07T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'm in an Eva Cassidy kind of mood today...

Time Is A Healer
sung by Eva Cassidy
I found a picture of your smiling face
Bringing old memories
That I had locked away
The burden of anger
From a heart filled with pain
Was finally lifted
And I smiled at you again

Oh if time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again'
Cause love heals the wound it makes

I spoke such harsh words before our goodbye
Well I wanted to hurt you
For the tears you made you made me cry
All my hopes and dreams
Well they started vanishing
Those tender hurt feelings
Became a dangerous thing

Oh if time is a healer
If time is a healer
And all hearts that break
Then all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

All of those years we spent together
Well they’re part of my life forever
I hold the joy with the pain
And the truth is...
I miss you my friend

Well time is a healer
And all hearts that break
All hearts all hearts that break
Are put back together again
'Cause love heals the wound it makes

Remember when snow was a GOOD thing?

2005-12-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

HEY! YOU! Get offa my blog!

2005-12-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I think someone broke onto my blog on Saturday and posted that weird post some of you might have read simply titled: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkke! with no body in the entry.

Very creative title indeed, TRESPASSER! I've just changed my password on Blogger. I tried to make it "getoffofmyblogyoucomputerhackingf*ckwit12345" but it was too long, so I had to make it 1 character shorter. You guess which one. That should keep you busy.

To the person who did this: Seriously, if you want to express yourself (and obviously you have some pent up...err..something) then start your own blog. I don't see why my readers would want to read that. It didn't even make sense. Plus, if that was "Fuuuuuuuuuucccccck!" you spelled it wrong. What you wrote is pronounced "Fuck-ie". Are you Asian? I bet you are. Fuckie fuckie longtime.

And thank you "anonymous" for laughing at it (whoever commented). I get an email on Saturday and the comment is just : hahahahahahahaha! I'm thinking..."WTF? Why would someone comment that on my Iowa boredom blog? Nit wit".

Ya know, it's people like you that make the space aliens think we humans are morons. This reminds me of one of my most bizarre childhood memories. When I was younger, I think like 7 or 8, "Mischief Night", the night before Halloween, was popular I guess you could say. The kids in my neighborhood would do things like, um, I don't know, toilet paper trees, egg cars, hhmmmmm what else, Oh! burn down Mago Vista park 2 years in a row. Good times. One year I watched my dad scrub vandalism off of our home for 8 hours. 8 hours people. That's right. And he's what you might call a "temperamental man" too. I learned at a young age...spray paint is hard to get off of cinderblock and no matter how many times you mutter, "God damn kids" it doesn't come off any faster. We used to have this cinderblock wall that led up the stairs to the front door (some of you may remember it). In the morning, we innocent Lee's woke up to find the word SEX spray painted in red on that wall. Just...SEX. Mind you, the lettering was 3 feet tall and what the artistic world of spray paint vandalism might refer to as "bolded". That's first degree vandalism, going over it multiple times like that. What I didn't get, never did get, and still don't get now is: Why SEX? Who cares? Its not a cuss word. It's a rather technical term. I mean it could have said F*CK, SH*T, A*S, B*TCH, MOTHER F-ER, (it wouldn't have all fit), A*SH*LE, C*CK GOBBLER...anything really but no...just SEX. Stupid really. I'm sure it was quite hilarious to the wacky-tabacky smoking goons who did it, but I'm not impressed. Get some talent and then write it on your own wall! Cuz, homey...I don't get it!

MUCH like the "Fuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccke!" entry. Hooligan.

Aburrimiento Extremo

2005-12-01T16:51:00.000-05:00

...Ennui...Langeweile...however you want to say it, Im suffering from it: Boredom. I'm in Des Moines, Iowa. Good times. And what's more is, there's like 6" of snow on the ground and its 20 degrees American or what some "people" call "Fahrenheit". If you'd like to know what it is in Canadian, please see The Stargate Humper (sorry E, I couldn't resist using your new fundy-issued nomenclature). He happens to have the formula for converting temperature from American to Canadian. ;) I know it to be true because he attempted to school me on it this morning, insisting that that was in fact -6.6666666 degrees "Celsius", aka "Canadian". Luckily, it did not take and I retained nothing. Whew. That's so "European" of you to know that E...and very "American" of me not to. So we're all in check. ;)

Ok so I'm still sooooooooo bored. I am here on business and I don't have all my DC coworkers to help lay on the pressure and work anxiety and I don't have a car! Not that I could drive it here anyway. The snow is the same consistency of cocaine. I mean what I would expect coke to look like. Yeah. Ok let's use "baby powder". Are we more comfortable with that analogy?

I'm staying in a beautiful hotel (Marriott, Des Moines) though, being the codependant lump of matter that I am, I'm lonely and bored there too. Woe is me. haha I think I might take a bubble bath and read some more Harry Potter tonight. Though I have to admit preemptively, that I have a feeling that's something that is much better in theory than in practice (as I just got a vision of me cussing and crying as I fish around in the bubbles for The Order of the Phoenix, having just dropped it in the tub with me). I don't suppose that will dry by Saturday.

Ok, I'm actually so bored that I'm now void of anything interesting to say. I'm just using you to take up time. ;) Additionally, its only 4:14 pm here right now. That's 5:14 pm Eastern-American. This is the longest day ever.

WAIT! JAILBREAK! Someone just offered to take me back to the hotel and for drinks! Woopie! I'm out. Later worker-bees!

.......................ok, I'm back. Yeah, that was a short excursion. I've decided that I should keep a diary of my boredom for you. Ive determined that the things that run through my head when I'm bored are certifiably insane and I should most definitely relieve myself of these thoughts by dumping them on you. :) All timestamps are Central American Time ;) I plan to just keep signing on and updating the diary as the night progresses (or doesn't progress rather).

5:47 pm: I've been in my room about 30 minutes and I've done everything fun there is to do. I signed on to the free highspeed and checked to see if my new security token works (which it does, and this is a GOOD thing). This should allow me to sign on to the network for my company anywhere that has internet. This is favorable for working long hours, not only at my desk but on what would be my personal time. Told ya it was a good thing. ha.

6:02 pm: I managed to check all the movies that are available on the TV (for the ever so unexpected low price of $10.99 + tax!) and now feel that will have to be a last resort. I can't justify $13 for a movie. what-eva. So I then cruise all the "self-help" programs that they offer and I've decided that I don't really care to know the top 9 mistakes made during presentations, how to make a quick buck, how to deal with difficult people or how to have a better marriage (courtesty of the Mars-Venus dude). I can easily tell um, you, like, the um, 9, er mistakes that um....whats the word? oh that people MAKE during like presentations, ya know? I KNOW how to make a quick buck and I prefer to do that in DC where I can get more bang for my buck IF ya know what I mean (plus my clientele is just so reliable there), I AM a difficult person, so I don't need to learn how to deal with myself. I doubt anyone could teach me that...especially in a 90 minute video. And last but not least...how to have a better marriage. Oh you mean better than the FIRST one? ha...I hardly see how that will help me now, Mr. Mars-Penis. So then I "perused" the adult films. $14 + tax (but you can fast forward, rewind and pause, so really isn't it worth it?) The titles of these movies were good for a giggle. A 3 minutes giggle. Oh goodie. Only 13 more hours to fill. I then decided to cruise the TV channels. Do you know that I have FOUR ESPN's and no MTV? No VH1, no MTV 1, 2, 3, 4 or 58. No Inferno, no Made, no Run's House. No VH1 classic. I do however, have ESPN Classic so I can watch USC beat UCLA 22 to 21 in err...looks like 1981. The most exciting part of that game was hearing the word "Trojan" every other word. tee hee. Jeff Daniels is in the studio next to tell everyone about his obsession with the Red Wings for 35 minutes, with no commercials. Wow. Good thing he's not going to talk about making Dumb and Dumber, because that would be too interesting for me and you wouldn't get such a long entry about my boredom.

7:01 pm: Ive just noticed that I got a new bottle of Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy shampoo and conditioner, but they've added a body lotion and mouthwash today. I'm elated.

7:05 pm: Hey! They took my bubblebath though! :( Do you think I could use shampoo for bubble bath or would that be a total disaster?

7:31 pm: I've just now turned to HBO and there is a movie on with Cedric the Entertainer and Vanessa Williams (my God her acting is scrumptulescent) and I'm starting to notice that it is the black version of National Lampoons Summer Vacation. Down to the comedic mishaps that put Cedric in a hot tub with 5 naked co-eds only to be discovered by his loving wife. Whoops! hahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. It was hilarious the first time when it was Chevy Chase in the pool with Christy Brinkley. Luckily though two things are happening here: Little Bow-wow is in this. Thank God. I was wondering what happened to that little rascal! Secondly, I seemed to have picked up this movie exactly where I left off at 7:30am this morning when I left for work. It's like no time has elapsed. Ya know, nothing helps boredom better than stopping time.

7:45 pm: I'm hungry. Should I order a $42 steak? I'm more of a "Eat Mor Chikin" girl myself. Bummer.

7:55 pm: "If you build it.....he will come."

8:30 pm: I ordered dinner. That guy who took my order was nice. Also, as Lindsay used to say (and this would crack me up), he sounded hot. Especially when he asked how I wanted my chicken done. I said in a really breahy voice, "All the way...BABY." Yeah! ;) I also ordered the movie Bewitched. So far its cute. I dont know if its worth the money but it kept me from ordering porn. Plus Will Ferrell is in it. Win win.

8:42 pm: My steak has a sign in it that says, "Med. Rare" in it and its shaped like a cow. Im keeping it.

9:31 pm: OOOOOOhhhhhh...I'm full. That was excellent. That steak was steaktastic. It was so tender and juicy mmmmmmm...I need a steak nap. By the way, Bewitched is actually VERY funny. I'm really laughing hard at some parts. That Will Ferrell is a real jokester.

Bow to death, Harry...

2005-11-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

"Bow to it...It might even be painless...I would not know...I have never died." --Lord Voldemort

oooooooooohhhhhhhh...so sckawee! Me so sckayawd. ;) Hold me.

WHOOPIE!!! Its here! The day has finally come! I'm a proud nerd. (drum roll & trumpets) Dumm da-da daaaaaaa!

The Quidditch World Cup! Death Eaters! The Triwizard Tournament! Weasley's Wizard Wheezes! Dragons! Grindylows! Giants! Blast Ended Skrewts! And finally...bone of thy father, hand of thy servant and blood of thy enemy! Whatz that spell? (lemmie hear ya)

THE GOBLET OF FIRE!!!

Yeah....I'm pretty much wearing a cape tonight. ;) I'm that far gone. Erin is meeting me at 5 pm at my house and will then begin creating a realistic scar on my forehead (sans the burning thank you) so that people will honor and perhaps fear me in line at Crown Theater in Annapolis. I mean, that's the kind of thing that really gleans respect, people. Trust me on this.

I bought my tickets on Tuesday...haha. And on top of it, the first two shows I picked were sold out! So were going at 8:10pm. There should be plenty of freaks in line for this showing. When Erin and Heather and I went to get Book 6 at Harry Potter Midnight Madness a few months ago, we were VERY entertained to say the least, by people who take it waaaaay over the top. People dressed as elves, lots of makeshift scars, people wearing capes/robes and gold & maroon scarves with the actual Griffindor crest on them! Where does one even BUY that? (seriously...where? I, um, only want to know fooooor... research purposes!....er, yeah, that's it.)

So a good time is expected to be had. I want to know what you all (the 'enlightened' few who actually follow HP) thought of the movie afterwards! Comments please! And yessss, you are allowed to berate me for my lofty geekism on my own blog...only if its a good shot though. Be creative! "You're a nerd." will get no points! You will then NOT be awarded the Triwizard Cup, or the athletic cup, or dixie cup or any other cups or praise of any sort, thank you.

Have a great weekend!

Love and magic to all you muggles,
Your Royal Nerdliness....Mad Eye Moody Lee

Angels We Have Heard Are High

2005-11-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

I, Laura Lee, of sound body and mind, solemnly swear to NEVER read an email titled "ANGELS!" Especially if it has the little attachment paperclip next to it. Case in point:

From: Anonymous for her own protection
To: Laura Lee
Subject:
FW: ANGELS!

That has "do not open me if you do not want to be instantly annoyed" written all over it. However today...I was curious. Why would this friend of mine want to send this to me? She must think that it has value to me. I must see what this is all about. Bad decision.

I see 8 of these terrifying angelabies (that's what I'm calling them: angels + babies = angelabies) bouncing on my screen at an eye rupturing rate, with this important message:

"8 angels r sent 2 u, u must send them to 8 people including me. in 8 minutes u will receive something u have long awaited. have faith!"

Ya know what? You ARE going to receive something you have long awaited. Another one of my blog rants. This is SO DUMB! And do you REALLY want me to send this back to you? I think if I sent this and got it back from (hold on let me count to see how many other people were forwarded to)...oh...8....duh. Anyway, if I got 8 of these back in my box with attachments it would actually stress me out! Not to mention fill up my inbox.

I appreciate that you thought of me, but unless you are speaking directly to me or its really funny or good, don't. Don't do it. For the love of God, please. For the love of Angels, please. The one exception to this rule is if you actually do see angels. Then you may title it "Angels" and if you happen to snap a picture of it too, you may attach it. However, I suggest you title it: "HOLY SH*T! I saw a real MF angel, LAURA LEE, you've got to see this!"

I leave you with another forward I got in my box today...for your forwarding pleasure. I figure if I post it on my blog, I've got the 7 people it's threatened me to forward to covered right? Wait...do at least 7 people read my blog anymore??? hello?

Subject: Dogs Savage Crocodile (be careful if you have a weak stomach - read text first)

Sometimes nature is cruel but there is also a beauty in that cruelty. The crocodile as one of the ultimate predators can fall victim to the kind of implemented 'team work' strategy which is possible due to the pack mentality and social structure of canines. See the attached and remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine - but not if you're squeamish!

space down...space down....space down (you get the point)

Now that was good. :)

Have a hell of a humpday kids...

Laura, and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

2005-11-09T11:28:00.000-05:00

<--That's me. Actually, that's a little boy named Alexander. He's the main character in "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by Judith Viorst. Nothing is going right for poor little Alexander on this particular day in his life.

From the moment he wakes up with gum in his hair, things just do not go Alexander's way. At breakfast, Alexander's brothers Nick and Anthony reach into their cereal boxes and pull out amazing prizes, while all Alexander ends up with is . . . cereal. The situation does not get any better at school, in fact it gets worse. No wonder Alexander wants to move to Australia! In Australia, everything is upside down, so maybe a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day can become a wonderful, terrific, really good day.

After school, Alexander encounters even more bad news when he visits the dentist and goes shopping for sneakers with his mother and brothers. And Alexander's father isn't at all happy with him when the boys visit his office and Alexander gets a little carried away with the new copying machine! This terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is enough to make anyone want to go to Australia!

I loved this book as a child and I know my mother did too. It went right along with her sarcastic nature and her insistence that everyone on earth had it worse than I did, so buck up! Whenever something I thought was earth-shattering would happen, she would simply reply, "Awwwwww, sounds like you are having a terrible, horrible no good, very bad day." Even well into college...a bad day would elicit the same response from her.

So, mom? Bloggies? Let me just tell you: Today is one of those days for me. Today I woke up late (no gum in my hair but I wouldn't say my hair was altogether clean. I will leave it at that). I got hairspray in my eye, I fell down the stairs, I burned my hand on a 4000 degree bagel, I got fully dressed, only to find a ginormous hole in the ass of my nice black pants...and then I remembered; I'd brought home a slew of marketing materials from work to stuff at home last night that I needed to cart back into Washington DC!

I can't seem to get all my work done and I'm stressing, so I decided to bring it home. Last night I fell asleep with Errors & Omissions Liability Insurance brochures strewn all over me...drooling onto Eligibility Questionnaires galore. So, I had to pack up these heavy boxes and strap them to this crappy half-working dolly and then get down the steps and out the door. I'm a baby about doing that on my own, so I pouted a bit that I actually had to carry these boxes up and down the stairs, pack them, hoist them into my car, drive to the train station and then walk the distance to the station, down the stairs and back up them again. Ha. Little did I know, that would have been how it would have worked out had the process been flawless! So, get to the auxillary lot thats 3000 miles away from the station, and there's no parking :( Last week I parked on the lawn of the Knights of Columbus' lot (same one) and they left me a scathing note that was telling me what a piece of disrespectful crap I was for parking on their lawn after they graciously extend the use of their lot to commuters and workers, being that they are among them and understand. Thing is...the letter has no cursing, no mean remarks, nothing terrible. It just played on the typical Catholic guilt of a estranged member. Damn you Knights of Columbus! Damn you!

The note worked. I've felt terrible ever since and I couldn't bear to do it again! Especially since tonight they meet and they would likely catch me! ;) If it were a Tuesday, I'd have gotten over the guilt a lot quicker. I needed a space. So I pulled into a BUSH at the end and parked. I wondered how they would feel about the desecration of their bush (heh...I said 'bush') over the desecration of their grass? I didn't get to find out.

I lugged the big heavy dolly out of the trunk and onto the ground. I'm of course sweating at this point profusely. Luckily, all of the boxes have fallen off the dolly and the tape job I'd done was ripped off. I put it on the ground and start taping again. Then, I run to the train and I am hauling ASS. I don't want to miss the train...its the last one until 9:30am! Halfway through the regular parking lot, my boxes fall off the dolly and bust open. Now I've got brochures all over the ground, that I stuffed the night before. And? What could be a pretty bad thing to happen now? Yes...wind and rain. It's raining now and my brochures are now wet and blowing around. Then, I see the train pull up and then, pull away. I sat there picking up brochures, crying. Yes, I didn't care, I just cried. So I gathered what I could, went back and got my car, came back and picked the rest up and then drove in bumper to bumper traffic to New Carrollton to catch the Metro. That wasn't as bad, though I am fairly sure everyone hated me for the size of my enormous and haphazardly packed and mentally ill taped dolly. 10:10am I roll through the door at work :( Then the shit just hits the fan here.

I'm so tired and a wee bit cranky and I have a ZILLION packets to stuff. Waaaa! If anyone is feeling friendly and wants to help me tonight, I would be so thankful. :) Holla.

So anyway, this so far has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. BUT...things are looking up. I have leftover Chinese food for lunch. Mmmmm MSG. :)

Hope all is well with you guys. Check out a short version of Alexander's tale here: AATTHNGVBD I think he might of had it a tad worse than I did :) What do you think?

Treat-or-Treat! Baaaaaaaa!

2005-11-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

Baa, baa, baa sings the little white lamby
Baa, baa baa is the little lamby song
Baa, baa, baa sings the little white lamby
Baa, baa, baa is the little lamby song

All day long he loves to sing
Loves to sing the same old thing

Just baa, baa, baa sings the little white lamby
Baa, baa baa is the little lamby song

Boom, boom, down in the barnyard
Down in the barnyard, boom

2005-11-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

John wrote a blog that made me reflect on my Hallows Eves past, and I just had a revealing blogspiration and decided to come on and share. Check this out first… HALLOWEEN, by John.

Now…onto what I think! Weeeeeeeeee!

I agree! Halloween means FREEDOM through and through. It was that one night of the year where you didn’t have to prowl the neighborhood after dark in secrecy! At least for me (I was a bad girl). I loved going out trick-or-treating with my brother and sister and later, my friends. In fact, I KNOW my parents viewed Halloween as freedom as well and here's a traumatic short story to prove it!

The Halloween I was about 14 years old and my brother was 11, we'd planned to go as California Raisins, I believe. I might be getting my years mixed up, but I do recall a California Raisin Paper Mache costume theme that my parents had made for us, right around that time. They were crazy about Halloween, always doing an amazing job with costumes and decorations. Anyway, many might say that 14 is too old for trick-or-treating and Halloween and I would tell those people to bite me :)

So he and I were goofing off one afternoon after school, the week of Halloween, and we were getting into things we shouldn’t and boredom set in, and subsequently, so did mischief. Being the insane pyromaniac latch-key kids we were, we decided to make a homemade blow torch. Yes. You read correctly. A blow torch. I never said we were normal kids just because we participated in Halloween like the other ‘normal’ kids. We also smoked twigs and ate poisonous mushrooms from the yard for crying out loud! Well I did at least and might I say: Thank you Ipecac Syrup for saving my life so many times! We had Poison Control on speed dial. This reminds me of a brief tangent involving The Simpsons, that my friend reminded me of the other day and that is the time when Bart bets Homer $5 to eat the old box of baking powder out of the refrigerator (that came with the house) and Lisa preemptively calls Position Control and says, “Fran {Poison Control Employee} It’s me. Just a heads up...” haha That was our house. :)

So we gathered the appropriate items for making said blow torch, which were:
-1 half burnt candlestick
-1 antique copper candle stick holder
-1 bottle of Rave hairspray (pump)
-1 bottle of Aquanet hairspray (aerosol)
-1 box of matchsticks from Cantler’s Riverside Inn
-1 person to hold blow torch
-1 person to be chased by lit blow torch (this was not me)

SO…we placed the candle in the holder, lit the candle and tried the spray bottle of Rave first. Got some fire shooting for sure! WOW! This was great. But how do we get a STREAM of fire, was the real issue at hand? Welp, out comes the Aquanet. I decided it would be best to go OUTSIDE for this experiment, which I felt was very mature on my part really. ;) So I started spraying, he put the candle underneath, and BAM! As soon as it lit, he dropped the candle like a little bitch, screaming and I chased him with the hairspray shooting fire. Ahhhh good times. Also a perfect time for my mother to come home, and out onto the deck to see what my brother was screaming about and…well I got in a lil bit o’ trouble.

First she beat my ass (remember, I’m FOURTEEN!) with a plastic cooking spoon that over the years of beatings, she’d affectionately named, “The Hearing Aid”. She called this spoon The Hearing Aid because, if you weren’t hearing what she was telling your ass to do, you must need a hearing aid. So she whacked me on the ass with that several times, chasing me simultaneously. Damn if that thing doesn’t hurt when she gets you good though, oww! It doesn’t hurt as much though when she’s only getting you in bits and pieces because you’re running. She is running after you screaming, “Stop running or you’re REALLY going to get it!!!”

Ya know what? I had a feeling if I DID stop running, I was gonna get it anyway! When she caught me, she started smacking my ass with that spoon and was yelling, “Stop laughing! Move your hands! MOVE YOUR HANDS I SAID!” Naturally, I was covering my ass! Hello?! Who wouldn’t? She is a freakishly strong woman! Well I think this was the turning point in Lee discipline where she decided that smacking me with The Hearing Aid isn’t going to work anymore; I had to suffer on a much more adult level.

I waited in my hole of a room anxiously, while she thought of something terrible indeed that would punish me, yet that my father wouldn’t pick up on the fact I was being punished for fear that he would not hit me with The Hearing Aid had he found out, but rather he would likely have snapped the end off and stabbed me in the heart with the jagged edge. Then he would have probably burned my remains with what was left of my blow torch. It was just “his way”, bless him. So she was faced with handing down the ultimate punishment, but still having it be unnoticed by the tyrant ruler for fear that he would in fact take me from the earth and, can I just hypothesize for a moment and say that this just proves that she liked me after all? ;)

SO, she asks me to come up with my OWN punishment. What did I think was fitting? Well naturally, my first response: Punish Chris. It was his fault really. I was naturally trying to STOP HIM from this pyromaniac behavior, but was overpowered by my 11 year old brother. She vetoed that. I was older, I should have known better (or some hooey). If I had a dollar for every time I got punished as a message to others, mmmm boy, I would be living in those condos across the street from my work building on 23rd and M Street and then I could crawl to work…in my Dolce and Gabana suits. ;)

So my second runner up suggestion was that I should be forced to clean my room and not talk on the phone that night. NO. Apparently fire is a big offense. So I suggested that maybe I rake all the leaves in front yard. NO. Apparently I was going to be doing that anyway. Life is one big punishment when your parents give birth simply to have slave hands. Ok so that’s an exaggeration. So she decides I’m doing a shitty job of making punishments and hands down a sentence of ‘No trick-or-treating this year”. I couldn’t go out on Halloween, and not only that, I couldn’t give out candy, have my friends hang out on the porch or near the house or even come out of my bedroom. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the horror!!!! Ughhhhh! :(

OMG this was terrible. Was she for real? Guess what? She was. :( I stayed home that year. I snuck out of my bedroom window later that night to meet my friends after midnight, but that’s not the point here people. ;) The point is: WTF kind of cruel and unusual punishment is this? One that worked I surmise. Revoking my freedom meant that I never set a fire (intentionally) again until recently when my friend Dave and I tried to make a blow porch on the back deck while Nikki was away in San Diego, and it was just so I could reminisce about my childhood, so I’m considering that “therapy”. Not to mention, I think he was grandly intrigued not by the moral of my story but rather, would this actually WORK?! It didn’t work by the way. I think that the new aerosol cans are low pressure or contain less alcohol or are “environmentally ozone safe” or some silly shit and it just didnt work. ;) Kudos to him though for giving it a whirl with me. Brave boy, Brave boy indeed. Fortunately I think he rather enjoyed the beating he sustained later from MY homemade Hearing Aid but that’s another blog altogether now isn’t it? ;)

So YES JOHN…Halloween is synonymous with freedom. As a side note I would like to tell you a wee bitty bit about a little thing I like to call KARMA (endorsed highly by Carson Daily). That year, Chris did get to go trick-or-treating and some bad boys drove up behind him and his friend and stole his entire pillow case (yes we Mago Vista kids don’t f*ck around when it comes to massive amounts of candy, we lived in a huge community!) and swiped his bag, poor little fire-loving soul. The whole bag…how sad. :( I wonder if he’s worked through that emotionally yet? Hmmmm Anyway, I wasn’t happy to hear it had happened although it was GROSSLY unfair that I was punished and he, my lab assistant, was permitted to “do the Grapevine” all the way through Spriggs Cove Community. Mainly I wasn’t happy to hear it had happened because this meant that NOW I had to steal candy from ERIN! And she was slow and prissy! This is NOT a good combination of handicaps when it comes to successful trick-or-treating! Here was a kid who was always dressed as something princess-like and had ZERO concept of Halloween time management and trick-or-treating strategy. Plus she was 8. Plus she was the baby. I wasn’t getting away with taking her candy dammit! Chris was my only hope for diffusive theft! I don’t really know what became of Chris’ Halloween bag fiasco, but I doubt he went without candy that year. I certainly didn’t. Though I believe I was a bit more into Beast Lite at that point anyway. ;)

The second part of this follow-up is a little concept I liek to call: deterrence and rehabilitation. I, having been SERVELY punished, never made fire again (intentionally) until I was unnaturally coerced by Dave (who was a bad boy from Brooklyn Park). CHRIS on the other hand, later burned down ALL of Schooler’s Pond (a natural wildlife preserve mind you) and all of the marsh and brush surrounding the area at the end of our road. My mother, being sound of mind as we all know she is, decides that the best measure here is to cover up the entire incident for when the authorities get involved. Remind me to commit my next crime with HER around. So yes, Chris never broke his obsession with fire, and I did. So THANK YOU MOM! I think…

Ok bloggies, I hope you liked that sad little tale. Today (All Saints Day for all you Catholics), I am still suffering a candy hangover having eaten 5 pieces of chocolate within 10 minutes of having arrived at home last night. I blamed it on my shaky nerves. Thank you Nikki for jumping out from behind the couch with a terrifying devil mask on when I arrived at our front door last night. Had I been like the little Harry Potter wizard look alike that was 10 steps behind me (wand included) I might have been able to get out a good, “STUPIFY!” But no such luck. By the way…all the mothers in our community now loathe Nikki for scaring their small children with that mask and laughing like a maniac whenever she achieved the proper level of utter terror from a 4 year old little girl in a Snow White costume. Good work Nik.

I’m off. Hope you all had a Happy Halloween! :)

The good, the bad and ...I'm ugly.

2005-10-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

The Bad News is: I don't blog anymore. It's true. I'm sorry. I miss it.

The Good News is: I'm working! (errr...or is that the bad news?) Actually this is very good. I'm serving a purpose in this world, YEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!! Yes, the purpose is to market FEAR to the world in hopes that they will purchase liability insurance from my company, but nevertheless, it's helping people realize their fears (even if we created them) and sheesh...that's practically community service! (hmmm...maybe I should put that on my resume) I'm such a giver. ;)

This time you get the Good News first: I like my job! I'm making good money and the commute only sucks a little and not a lot. I used to work with this guy who would drive like 2 and a half hours to get to work from the Eastern shore. And that was to work at that shithole place i was employed by before this. He was a little off-kilter I think though. So I suppose it could be worse. I certainly have gotten a bit of reading in. I'm reading two things at once now depending on my moods (that swing rapidly): Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (yes...I'm in training for November 18th!) and a "You're dysfunctional and you're never going to change, but read this book and maybe you will suck a little less and people might like you one day" by Dr. Fixyerself. ;) That's not the real name of the book, but you get the general point...I'm in a constant state of either crisis or recovery, and this is the treatment of my choice. Amazon.com probably has a coexisting file with the FBI that's tagged me on their "watch list" for strange combination purchases: self help books, true crime and sorcerer's magic. ;) Cuckoo!

The Bad News: Not all my transportation issues are so peachy. On a more "Lauraish" note...I want to strangle everyone at Erie Insurance. Two weeks ago, some jackass creamed my car and mashed and tore the entire back end and then did what any good American would do: RAN. I wasn't in the car, I came home to find it like that at 12:30am, and I actually didn't think it was my car, I was in such disbelief. I said, "Is that my car? That's not MY car. Wow that sucks." Wellllllll it was. Who does that? Who destroys your vehicle and runs except drunks and punks? Ugh. So the police had to come and give me a report (I doubt they will be putting the crime scene team on this case) and then dropped it off at Honda the next day because Erie requests that you drop it off right away with the body shop if its undriveable. It probably was not legal to drive it like that, the back end was peeled out and sticking out about a foot from the car. So I drop it off for an estimate. Erie is SUPPOSED to arrange for me to have a rental car, but they ask me to do it myself (by the way, there is no discount for this 'self-service' plan). So I go two days with no car and go to pick up the rental at Enterprise in Glen Burnie, and Erie had changed the reservation to Crofton and didn't tell me. So Enterprise had no car for me. In desperation for a VEHICLE, I took a cherry red Jeep Liberty they did have. The estimator finally went to Honda on Monday the 17th (mind you, the accident happened on the 12th) and estimated 5 days for repair and no more. Erie would cover the cost of the rental for 5 days from the 18th. That's today (25th), and not a day longer. After that it was the repair shop's liability to cover the rental. SO...$60 in gasoline later (and I take public transit to and from work!) I am hating this Jeep and wanting my car back. It slides all over the road...I am going to die...I am a terrible driver. So I call Honda, thinking, SURELY they are done, they have had the car for almost 2 weeks, and they are not done. I tell them I need a loaner car. They say, take it up with your insurance company, we don't do that. I said, but the adjuster estimated 5 days and Honda man said, he INCORRECTLY estimated 5 days in LABOR hours and didn't count time to order parts and dry time, etc, so too bad, so sad sweetie. I call the estimator and tell him I need an extension and that my car wont be ready until Friday (this is a lot of calls isn't it?). He leaves me a message this morning saying, tough shit, they had enough time, take it up with them, have that car back today or pay for it yourself. Here's the cherry on top of this sundae...the rental place closes at 6pm. I don't even leave DC until 6pm and I cant take off of work. So I have to drop everything in the after hours drop box. I call Enterprise to see what I can do about turning in the car and will I owe, or will Erie cover the cost since they changed the reservation on me? They tell me that Erie is not covering the $5 a day extra, and I have to pay that over the phone before I return the vehicle. I call the estimator again to say, WTF?! and he says: That was your decision to upgrade, you should have left GB and gone to Crofton where we changed your reservation to {without asking you...and even though they are only open for, I SWEAR it must be, 15 minutes a day and they don't tell you which 15 mins... and it takes that long to even get to Crofton!}. I said: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE UGLY! and hung up. Just kiddin, I didn't say that but I do hate him and I imagine he is unattractive. He lives in Glen Burnie ;)

Ok rant over...whew...I had to get that out. So yeah, tonight I'm returning the car after hours and I won't have a vehicle for at least 3 more days. I'm gonna be out there thumbin for rides. Hopefully, the dickhead who hit my car will pick me up and then I can force him to crash his car, while I, knowing this is going to happen, throw myself from the vehicle and roll like Starsky n' Hutch...to my safety...sustaining NO road rash :) They have training for that you see, but it doesn't look that hard. I will also get into the car through the passenger's side window like on Dukes of Hazard, just to throw him off. I hate him too by the way. And I KNOW he's ugly. On the inside.

The Bad News is: I just got this office-wide email: "It is now that time of year and due to the drop in exterior temperature it is necessary that we turn the heat on in the building. We will be activating both the duct heaters and baseboard heaters located in the perimeter offices. We ask that everything be removed immediately from the top and surrounding area of the baseboard heaters. You may also consider relocating any live plants in close proximity to these heaters. It is not unusual for the activation of the heaters to be accompanied by an odor caused from dust burning off the coils. This will probably happen for the first couple of days the heaters are running."

The Good news is: I'm a sweater and I LOVE strange odors! Mmmm can't wait. Can I borrow a fan and some Frebreeze anyone?

The Bad News is: I am broken out and I feel really ugly today. I'm such a woman.

The Good News is: I have a big bottle of Premsyn PMS, a heating pad, and a ginormous chocolate chip cookie in my desk drawer. I think I hear it calling to me...

Ok that's about all I got for ya bloggies. Booooriiiiing, I know. :) Wanted to touch base in here though with my loyal savants...whoops, I mean servants. I'll leave you with some good lyrics...

Better Together
Jack Johnson

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

MMM its always better when we're together
Look at the stars when we're together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find there way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
But tomorrow night you see
That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find there way
Into my day to day scene
Ill be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree

Its always better when we're together
Somewhere in between together
Its always better when we're together
Yeah, its always better when we're together

MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is no time,
And there is no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.

I'm Devastated!!!!

2005-10-19T08:10:00.000-05:00

Ok so maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's close. My eyes are puffy and my cheeks are tear streaked. My nose is stuffy and there's tissues strewn copiously about.

It's over. I finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince this morning. :( I had to just backtrack and erase what I just wrote, because it was the sad ending to Book 6. I thought the better of it, just in case someone here hasn't finished reading it, although I think I am close to the last person on this planet who is an HP fan who's just now finished it. I DEFINITELY know I'm the only person in this planet who actually went and got it at midnight the day it was released and have just now bothered to finish it. Whoops.

I had have a busy few months to say the least! But, my long train rides made for a good chance to get down to business. Wow. I have been whimpering all morning. Ok...I cried like a baby! Just call me Moaning Myrtle! I am in shock. Those of you who were abusing me to finish the book, I've done it and by now you probably are past discussing it, but should you change your mind, I'd love to talk about it...If you don't mind the crying and feeble attempts to cast simple spells like: Repairo! and Lumos! and my favorite: Accio...! It's great in theory for lazy people like me who want things brought magically to them. ;) I'll never give up! I can't be just a Muggle!

Sigh...I feel like I need to be held or something. Maybe I should go home and mourn. Everyone gave me a pretty fair warning that I might be a bit melancholy after reading that amazing book, but alas...nothing is quite like feeling it for yourself. For all you non-Harry Potter readers on here:
1) I pity you. Get with the program! It's not jumping on the bandwagon, its joining an elite and creative club and introducing your mind and your senses to something so incredible...you'll wonder how you went so long not having been a part of it.
2) I'm not insane. ;)

Ok...Now you know I mean business here: COMMENTS PLEASE!!!! Be careful not to reveal too much of the plot on here, you can email me if you want to talk specifically. I have to say thank you to all of you who kept it quiet how the book ended and thank you also to those who warned me to stay off the spoiler sites. I can't believe that I took this long to finish it and yet I was still totally stunned by the climax. Amazing. So, my deepest appreciation to those of you who protected the secrets the Book 6 held. I would have Avada Kadavera!-ed your asses if you had told me though. Im not joking. ;)

Peace love and Harry Potterness to you all! Now I just have to hold out until November 18 for some more HP!!!! The Goblet of Fire!

Get a load of this 'strategery'!

2005-10-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

Absolutely hilarious: President Bush's 'Speechalist'

"Doc, it hurts real bad whenever I do this..."

2005-10-12T08:08:00.000-05:00

Doc: "Well, don't do that. Now that will be $100."

Guess what? A new Washington Post "study" shows that blogging is therapeutic! Oh yippee...so we're all "normal" afterall! Golly that's the best news I've gotten in a long time. ;) Check it out: BLOG!

And on that note...some funnies.

And in the spirit of song lyrics and the journey towards mental health...more lyrics.

Song of the Day: She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make...

2005-10-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

Here are some of my favorite song lyrics...words to live by. The title, my credo. Oh and...that's the Beatles. ;)

All lies and jest, still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. - Simon and Garfunkel, The Boxer

Before you accuse me take a look at yourself. - Bo Diddley; Creedance Clearwater Revival; Eric Clapton, Before You Accuse Me

Bent out of shape from society's pliers, cares not to come up any higher, but rather get you down in the hole that he's in. - Bob Dylan, It's Alright, Ma

Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby. - Sly and the Family Stone, Everyday People

Don't ask me what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to. - Fleetwood Mac, Oh Well

It seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't have. - The Eagles, Desperado

Even the genius asks questions. - 2 Pac, Me Against The World

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Semisonic, Closing Time

Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters, too. - John Mayer, Daughters

Fear is the lock and laughter the key to your heart. - Crosby, Stills, and Nash, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. - Paul Anka; Frank Sinatra; Elvis Presley, My Way

I gotta peaceful, easy feeling, and I know you won’t let me down’ cause I’m already standing on the ground - The Eagles, Peaceful Easy Feeling

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Nothing ain't nothing, but it's free. - Janis Joplin, Me And Bobby McGee

I don't need no money, fortune, or fame. I got all the riches baby, one man can claim. - The Temptations, My Girl

I got a lot to say, I got a lot to say, I got a lot to say. I can't remember now, I can't remember now, I can't remember now. - Ramones, Got Alot To Say

I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People living in competition, all I want is to have my peace of mind. - Boston, Peace Of Mind

It's sad, so sad. Why can't we talk it over? Oh it seems to me, that sorry seems to be the hardest word. - Elton John, Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. - The Who, Substitute

When you’re feeling love’s unfair, you just ask the lonely. When you’re lost in deep despair, you just ask the lonely. -Journey, Ask the Lonely

A woman is like a dresser, some man always running through it’s drawers. - Cream, Four Until Late

If we were blind and had no choice, would we hate each other by the tone of our voice? -Anthrax, Schism

If we weren't all crazy we would go insane. - Jimmy Buffett, Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. - Rush, Freewill

If you smile at me I will understand, cause that is something everybody everywhere does in the same language. - Crosby, Stills, and Nash; Jefferson Airplane, Wooden Ships

I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man. - Bob Seger, Feel Like A Number

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. - Lee Greenwood, God Bless The USA

It's better to burn out, than to fade away. - Neil Young, My My, Hey Hey

We are Young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises no demands. Love is a battlefield. - Pat Benatar, Love Is A Battlefield

Love when you can, cry when you have to, be who you must, that's a part of the plan. Await your arrival with simple survival, and one day we'll all understand. - Dan Fogelberg, Part Of The Plan

God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you. Put it in the soul of everyone - KISS, God Gave Rock n' Roll To You

No matter what you do, you'll never run away from you. - Paul Revere and the Raiders, Kicks

Optimism is my best defense. - Rod Stewart, Baby Jane

Our early morning singing song, glibby glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy, la la la lo lo. Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba, lee le lo lo. Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba naba. - Hair; Oliver, Good Morning Starshine

Rather die on our feet, than keep living on our knees. - James Brown, Say It Loud - I'm Black And I'm Proud (Part I)

I’m free to do what I want any old time, so love me hold me love me hold me. - The Rolling Stones, I'm Free

So tonight you better stop and rebuild all your ruins, because peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing. - Led Zeppelin, Immigrant Song

Space ain't man's final frontier, man's final frontier is the soul. - Arrested Development, Man's Final Frontier

Talk about your plenty, talk about your ills, one man gathers what another man spills. - Grateful Dead, St. Stephen

The future is so bright that I have got to wear shades. - Timbuk 3, The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

The swift don't win the race. It goes to the worthy, who can divide the word of truth. - Bob Dylan, I and I

Then one day you find, ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. - Pink Floyd, Time

There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some have gone and some remain. - The Beatles, In My Life

Keep smilin' keep shinin'. Knowing you can always count on me for sure. That's what friends are for. - Dionne Warwick, That's What Friends Are For

Thinking is the best way to travel. - The Moody Blues, The Best Way To Travel

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. - Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven

War is not the answer, because only love can conquer hate. - Marvin Gaye, What's Going On

We learned more from a three minute record than we ever learned in school. - Bruce Springsteen, No Surrender

Well, you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind. You don't pull on the mask of old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim. - Jim Croce, You Don't Mess Around With Jim

Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far? - Golden Earring, Twilight Zone

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need. - The Rolling Stones, You Can't Always Get What You Want

You don't have to be old to be wise. - Judas Priest, You Don't Have To Be Old To Be Wise

You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run. - Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

You rise as high as your dominant aspiration, you descend to the level of your lowest concept of yourself. Free your mind and your ass will follow. - Funkadelic, Good Thoughts, Bad Thoughts

You would think with all the genius and the brilliance of these times, we might find a higher purpose and a better use of mind. - Jackson Browne, Say It Isn't True

Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test. - Madonna, Express Yourself

Just let go. And let it flow, let it flow, let it flow. Everything’s gonna work out right, y’know. - Toni Braxton, Let it Flow

We got the bottle - you got the cup. Come on everybody let’s get ffffff... - Beastie Boys, Brass Monkey

Not Fire, Not Ice

2005-10-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

There is not a river wide
Not a mountain high
And neither sin nor evil
Could change how I feel inside
Could change how I feel inside

Not all the strength of the ocean
Not all the heat from the sun, from the sun
Though, others have tried, I just can't deny
For me you are the one
For me you are the one

But true love is priceless
For true love we pay a price
But there's nothing can keep me from loving you
Not fire, no not ice
Not fire, no not ice

Like a hero or the champion
You are the best, you're the best
Like religion or superstition
With you I am blessed
With you I am blessed

Now the river may grow wider
The mountains may reach past the sky
But whether or not you feel the same
My love shall never die
My love shall never die

But true love is give and take
True love is sacrifice
But there's nothing can keep me from loving you
Not fire, no not ice
Not fire, no not ice
Not fire, no not ice

by Ben Harper

The Great Heist

2005-10-04T15:52:00.000-05:00

Successfully stolen from your blogs...mwhahahaha (evil laugh...sneer...sneer) ;)

7 Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:
1. get my writing published
2. have a successful loving marriage with a healthy sex life, to my best friend (bonus: other people want to gag when they see us together)
3. buy a house
4. go to Europe
5. have babies
6. mess up said babies
7. be thin

7 Things I Cannot Do:
1. complex math
2. chew on anything cotton (terrible)
3. regularly watch Primetime TV shows
4. save money
5. play an instrument
6. go a week without falling
7. not drink during sporting events

7 Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1. sense of humor
2. talent
3. expressiveness
4. eyes
5. smile
6. ability to laugh at himself (and me too!)
7. love of music

7 Things I Say Most Often:
1. omg
2. yikes
3. good lord
4. that's ridiculous
5. whatever
6. I'm sorry :(
7. Opps I crapped my pants! ("cuz I'm wearing them....and I just did")

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1. Colin Ferrell
2. Josh Duhamal (aka Tad Hamilton)
3. Orlando Bloom
4. Topher Grace
5. Will Ferrell (pretty much any guy with the last name Ferrell)
6. The kid who plays Harry Potter - Daniel Radcliffe (yeah...I'm pretty much R Kelly for that one)
7. Jeff Goldblum (hahaha...people get so mad when I say this! I love it!)

7 People I Want to do this List:
1. Linz
2. Dave
3. Eric
4. Erin (sis)
5. Chris (bro)
6. Nikki
7. your mom

Actually...couldnt we just make this a list of people I want to DO and leave it at that? With the exclusion of #'s 4 and 5 (you sickos), the list remains the same here. ;) Oh also...add Heather ;)

I'm missing you all very much!

Sometimes my job is silly...

2005-09-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

I am missing you all, this is for sure. I am really missing being able to talk to you all hours of the day and blog my brains out. Now, I feel like I'm gambling with valuable minutes on the internet just to get this lil baby bloglet out. My duties are plentiful in my new job, but I had to do something interesting today, in the midst of my 4 zillion other time sensitive tasks, and that was, purchase this:

It's an orb. But you might have guessed that already. It's an ambient orb that somehow magically connects to the financial cosmos, senses the "mood" of the stock market and then glows accordingly. Oh and it also will give you the time, weather, traffic, your children's whereabouts and a tall skinny double mocha latte if you program it properly. Ok just kidding on that last part. Here, let me enlighten you...

"Decorative, yet practical, the Stock Orb is a beautiful glass lamp that glows different colors to indicate real-time changes in financial markets. It is continually updated to provide a calm, constant view of the health of the markets, weather forecasts, traffic and more. Just plug the orb into any standard power outlet and your Orb is up and running on a nationwide wireless network - no internet connection required.

The Orb will arrive automatically set to track the Dow Jones Industrial Average, glowing more green or red to indicate market movement up or down, or yellow when the market is calm. It can be customized to a set of free channels, such as market indices or weather in major cities. Optionally, you can upgrade to access more premium channels, such as your customized portfolio.

The Ambient Orb may look like a crystal ball on acid, but it's really more of a giant mood ring--plugged straight into the fluctuations of the stock market or anything else you care to track. The orb can be wirelessly configured to track any individual stock, any market index or your personal portfolio. "People want information, but they don't want to invest a lot of time in getting it," says Ambient president David Rose. "This makes getting information a 'glanceable' thing."" Click here for literature on THE ORB.

Ok, so now were pretty up to speed on "the orb", so it's time for my thoughts: What the hell is this thing? And what kind of brokers-dealers make "glanceable" investments? "Yes, one moment Mr. Trump, while I look into my crystal orb to see whether or not we should sell those shares of Tyco." You don't have to have an orb to know the answer to that one.

Before I bash the thing, let me admit that I found it when I was looking for random trade show giveaways for our booths in 3 upcoming shows. Yes...I have to purchase these. Three of them. I saw it and thought, "Hmm now that's different. We could plug that in at the booth and people could come over to register to win it, and see it changing colors...should the mood of the stock market shift... mid convention." Afterall...these are all broker-dealers and investors, so the audience is at least somewhat appropriate, right? If it were like an "Investing Tycoon Gypsies" conference we'd be all set.

Since I presented this idea to my team I've had to answer the following questions:

-But how does it KNOW? It's like...well how does it know what the stock market is doing?

-Does the info come trough the electrical cord?

-Can we get our name engraved on that?

I DON'T KNOW!?! But Now I have to find out. Silly.

So anyway, I better take off now party people, because I have some orb shopping to do immediately. This is official business folks, and I can't have you squandering my precious resources and time. ;) Hope you are all well! Miss you! I will have to look into getting an orb that tells me how all of you are doing!

Fly me to the moon...

2005-09-15T08:18:00.000-05:00

Yes Im still going to blog. No it's not going to be as often. Before I would actually blog like 2-3 times per DAY you guys and now, it's just once in a blue moon. The theme of this blog is "the moon" and things that are related to, from, or about the moon. Oh and my new job ;)

Let's just cut to the chase and discuss "Lunatics". The word "lunatic" come from 13th century Latin word, "lunaticus", meaning, "moonstruck" ( in Latin, luna means "moon"). When I was little I used to think that a lunatic was: (other than my father, as my mother so affectionately called him a "raving" one) a tick from the moon. Tick as in blood sucking bugs that attach themselves to people and animals and then give us all lime disease. I basically thought that people were just running the words together. Of course, I was a lunatic, so it doesn't mean much what I thought then (or maybe even now!) ;)

HOLY MOLEY! I interrupt this blog to bring you this news bulletin! I just got my first pay check and its enormous! hahahaha IM INSANE RIGHT NOW WITH BLISS!!!!! HOLY CANOLI! Ok, on that note I would like to add that this is good timing because I don't have a red flipping cent to my name right now which is very sad indeed because someone regretfully did not inform Capital One, Honda Financial and my landlord of this issue and they still are expecting money. BGE has just stopped trying. "We gonna shut da lights off beeyatch!" was the last voice mail I got from them...I subsequently made a payment that evening over the phone. Ahhh...power. I like it.

Ok...back on topic...a lunatic is: an irresponsible person, or someone who is considered wildly reckless AND/OR an offensive term for someone who has a psychiatric disorder. When I looked this word up on the MSN Encarta Dictionary it gave me a language advisory! What the hell is that? Is put in place so that we don't offend lunatics? Wow. That's really very considerate of them. I suppose you don't WANT to offend a lunatic, them being loose cannons and all, which transitions me to my point. Public transportation is a breeding ground for lunatics. There's always one lunatic in just about every situation I've been in involving PT so far, and this includes the MARC train. Sleeping people are my favorite. Hopefully they will stay that way. Insane people seem to like the Metro. The homeless and insane as well. Im not going to bash on homeless people, because that's just ridiculous and wrong, but I am going to bash on those who yell very openly at these locations. Most of the time, at me or to themselves. I think they can sense their own ;)

So far I have encountered numerous incidents that just make me stop and think, "Oh my God, thank you so much for making me overweight, slow, sweaty, slow to pick up on things, hairy, overly sensitive and a public crier." At least I am not insane with an overpowering desire to show it. Preferably at 7am, not leaving my crazy post until 7pm. It''s a long days work being insane in public. Case in point, the Muffin and Magazine Man (MM Man). There is a man that stands on Washington Circle every morning with muffins and magazines. He's selling them as a service to all us quick walkers (or in my case...slow walkers). Here's the kicker. They are gently used. Mmmmm nothing is better first thing in the morning than a used and/or stolen issue of Forbes Magazine with a half crushed blueberry muffin.

Me: "Wait, this one has a bite taken out of it!
MM Man: Yes beautiful lady, I was hungry when I fished that out of the Starbucks dumpster, I took a bite of it.
Me: ohhhhhh ok...
Me and MM Man : hahahahahaha! {sharing a laugh}

This man is only parallel in craziness by the insane fat redheaded white man that stands outside the fire station on my block every morning with the same shirt on everyday, yelling at ??? Whoever it is, he is VERY upset with them, he's "HAD IT!" and he's "Not going to put up with this f*cking sh*t much longer." Me either. Maybe he's yelling at his shirt for not working. Oh by the way...its says "Hold The Hog" on it with an arrow pointing SOUTH.

Then there are the "random lunatics". These are people who look 'normal', but if you put them in any situation where they have to be in any way interpersonal, they fail miserably. These are the "sleepers", if you will. They come out of nowhere. They look normal, and it just takes practice and familiarity to spot them, figure out that you don't want to be anywhere near them and plan accordingly. I have two in particular in mind. One is this very good looking professional white guy that frequents the deli downstairs. He's well dressed, clean cut, and INSANE. Everyday he goes down there to order a sandwich and everyday, he's insane. It's hard to describe but it basically includes talking very loudly to everyone, sometimes aggressively, and every time, uninvited. Plus, he's a dreaded "close talker". I fell for this on day #1. At first when he said hello and smiled at me, I thought, "Gosh, he's friendly, and sort of cute! That's refreshing!". At that point he came and stood next to me while I read the menu board up above and proceeded to say, "Mmmmmmmm...What are you getting?" in this seductive yet anticipatory hushed voice. Still not knowing the depth of his insanity, I laughed nervously and said, "Don't know yet." He says, "Mmmmm...well I'll wait to decide until you say what you want." At this point I was thinking that either he was hitting on me, or maybe I smelled some insane cookin. Sure enough, I ordered the Chicken Californiacado sandwich, "with sprouts" and he ordered the same thing almost in unison (and louder and out of turn) and said, "Extra sprouts!" and while he said it, he was looking at me. Insanely. Ok, so I avoid that bozo now and I started to notice that everyone else does too. He's so freakin weird, he's like Bill Murray in What about Bob?.

The next wacko on deck is a very large, sweaty man who comes from work at the {fill in some place where you can wear a dress shirt untucked with black jeans and blindingly white Reebok Classics} and who one day was held up, just like everyone else, at the Foggy Bottom Metro stop because there is only one escalator now, it's not moving and people are using it to go both up and down. There was a large line. This upset him. Just to give you a short summary, he started yelling a LOT. Also apparently he thought he was black as he referred to himself as a "brother" and told the disgruntled Metro worker manning the escalator that he was "tryna keep a brutha down". Ironically, the Metro employee was black and did not find him amusing. He proceeds to yell AIMLESSLY that they were on his time now; "This is MY time mother f*ckers! I put in my 8 hours and it's 5 and you're cutting into my time! I'munna f*ck some sh*t up in here mother f*ckers! Let's see how much of my time you're wasting {checking cell phone, so apparently he has some form of credit}...just as I thought mother f*ckers, LATE! Im late as a mother f*cker and I aint gonna put up with this sh*t much longer. That right, the line starts here mother f*cker, right here with me because I'm citizen #1 and this is my time!" Well thanks to him, we all had a good time on his time and then everyone scattered as we boarded the Metro, away from Lunatic Mcghee, and guesssssssssss who is left with no where to stand but next to Tons of Fun? Yes, me. Nowhere to move either. Needless to say he spoke to me, whoops I mean yelled, the whole way to Metro Center. Good Times.

One guy the other day was dancing and singing out loud on the Metro and then started to pray out loud and then he started to shout advertisements for himself as a rapper and how he will be performing on one particular corner in South East and then on WPGC later that night, but I think that last bit about the radio performance was the "insane" talking.

Last but not least, we have the naked man. I saw a man who was VERY weird start to slowly change his clothes on the Metro and I turned away. Apparently as he was attempting to bring down one of the three pairs of pants he was wearing (yes three) he proceeded to pull them all down, exposing his naked ass. I of course was right next to this man, and had no idea until everyone started to look at me with horror. It was a few paranoid moments before I realized that they weren't looking at me and scattering, it was the naked full moon behind me. Pardon the pun. Ewww.

So that's my shpeel on crazies for right now. It's a thrill a minute, this commute. So I'm running now, I forgot to tell you. I have to run everywhere to catch the Metro and train, so yeah, too bad I didn't go intro training for that because there is a lot of burning in my lungs, panting, sweating and shin splints at this point, but I think I'll be ok :) It's nice to be out and about in the bustling city before I have to hole up in my office, so for that I am thankful for the change in scenery. By the way, did I mention how sexy tennis shoes are with dress clothes/suits? I see a lot of that around here and I of course jumped right on the bandwagon and so my workouts are now in my best clothes. I wouldn't have it any other way. ;)

So here are some things I've learned in the last 8 days of my job (just for some fun):

*My arrival was well awaited by all the people in my department. That wide eyed snicker they let out when they are introduced to me is because THEY know the amount of work that was waiting for me. I just thought I had a boogie in my nose for the first 5 days.

*Most people are just insecure and if you just say hello, likely they will warm up and introduce themselves to you, as well as all the insane people that managed to also get hired by your company that he or she is friends with. I pass so many people in this building everyday and I don't know any of them and they don't know each other either. I've made it a point to say hello to a bunch of people rather than waiting for them to introduce themselves to me, because apparently this company is so big, it just doesn't happen. So, I'm making some friends I guess. Mostly I'm partial to the black girls and the gay men. Hey, I am, what can I say? ;)

*Meetings are dumb. None of us is as dumb as all of us.

*When you're the one taking notes during a conference call or meeting, you're going to be the one with the most work. When all of the responsibilities divvied out are YOURS, don't be surprised.

*Just because you're new doesn't mean you're not expected to know everything, right away. Using "I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'optimal universal fidelity bond regulated error and liability coverage' because I'm new" is so passe. Try, "Ahhh yes, I concur! Great work everyone! Good meeting!" This works better. Doesn't matter if you felt like it was in Chinese, it was a great meeting, idiot!

*Aeron chairs are SO comfortable and high class.

*I do not have an Aeron chair.

*Even if you have a video camera outside your office door, you still forget and do weird things.

*My office doesn't have a terrace for a reason. Its too tempting.

*Having a cappuccino machine in the breakroom is nice and "foamy".

*Expresso roast makes me insane.

*There are a lot of rich and worldly people who work here. It's hard to keep up in conversations about vacation homes. I don't even have a regular home.

*I really had no idea but the company I work for is the biggest in the world (in its business) and it is not only well renowned but notorious. When you f*ck up big, it's in the news. Yes...the real news.

*I see now why Nikki doesn't put the name of her company in her blog or talk about work for fear that someone will find it in her company and she will lose her job.

*BIC Gel gliding pens ae the shiznit.

*Casual Fridays make people very happy. And dumpy.

*That guy on the other end of the line at the Help Desk is somewhere far away and cant help you for a very long time. Also...he hates you.

*Everyone on the line in a call-in phone seminar can hear you if you're coughing, eating, talking on your cell or chewing gum.

*Lotus Notes is weird. Where is Bill Gates when you need him?

*Its nice having caller ID. ;)

*This place aint nothing like Tate Andale.

*Great benefits make you want to work harder for your employer. Also, there is a massage therapist on staff here. Hells yeah.

I will add to this list later but so far my experience here has been very good. Very hard, lots of work, but great. There is a different kind of morale here and people do this thing that they are calling "WORK". It's very strange but I'm starting to see that's kind of what they want you to do before they bring you this little green check I have in my hand. :)

I missed you bloggies! I will try harder to be a good blogger so that you can stop referring to me as "the blogger formerly known as thelauralee". So please stick with me and I will do my best to keep you entertained and informed.

In other words....PLEASE BE TRUE! In other words, I love you!!!!

Song of the Day:
Fly Me To The Moon - Frank Sinatra

Tweet tweet!

2005-09-06T03:55:00.000-05:00

Well y'all, its time.

Today is the first day of my new job. Naturally, I woke up at 4:30am...because I have to be there at 9am. ;) Im feeling a mixture of things here. Some of it is anticipation (the good kind) and some of it is anxiousness (the bad kind). I dont know what to expect really, and although this is one of those rare days I wont see very often in my life and I should embrace it and savor it...well you know me...I'm a worry wart.

I'm feeling a little insecure about making it in DC, getting to work via DC transport (by the way, didnt get my $175 train/metro commuter pass in the mail in time so I have to BUY a ticket today on both), whether or not I can do that job well, if people will like me and lastly, will I like the job? What if it turns out to be a huge mistake? Hey, dont ever say I didnt help reveal the dark side to every situation. ;) Im being rather insecure I suppose though, right?

Nikki is taking the early train with me (6:48am) so I can get there, buy a MARC train ticket, and then she can show me around Union Station a little bit and shove me off like a baby bird from the nest towards the Red Line to Dupont Circle. From there, I plan to walk .56 miles to 23rd Street NW, where my new high powered career area is located. All of this SHOULD occur by 9am. Seeing as how it's 4:51am, I should get a move on here kiddies (ha!) but I did want to poke my head on here and at least send out a message in a bottle to all my neglected bloggies: WISH ME LUCK!

I will be sure to post a lil blog about my first week and what it was like. Afterall...you miss me like crazy DONT YOU?!

Love and mental stability to you all...

1.21 Jigawatts?!

2005-09-02T16:32:00.000-05:00

Oh my Holy Land! Someone gimme a banana peel and some Miller Genuine Draft for my tank! Plutonium (and gasoline) are hard to come by in the 21st century!

100 Heeeelarious Ways to Order Pizza

2005-08-19T16:09:00.000-05:00

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica! 's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say ! "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26.Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an eve! n trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't tak e any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fa! ke entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Contest

2005-08-18T11:37:00.000-05:00

Give this picture a caption. The best response I get wins a "secret prize". :) This secret prize thing seems to work at Curves, to I'm going to try it out on you...good luck...I hope I get some repsonses, I cant wait. It doesnt have to be witty or funny...just gimme whatcha got!

I keed! I keed!

2005-08-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

Triumph goes to the Star Wars Espisode II premeire to hang with the uberdorks. You will laugh like a hot little Porter Collie in heat! It's perfect...for me to poop on.

It's Hump Day. Let's get ta humpin!

2005-08-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

Some funny links pour vous!

*Richard Simmons on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

*Afroninja

*Wahda wahda waaaaaahhh!!! ESPN Football

*Make your own Caption WINNERS (check out contest 4 first!)
* the videos are pretty funny too!

9 days, 2 hours, 21 minutes and 4 seconds...

2005-08-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

tick tock tick tock....

But who's counting? ;) I put in my 2 weeks notice this morning. Can I just say that there are a multitude of USDA approved barbituates in our pharmaceutical system that were created for people just like me? I'm an anxiety pill producers meal-ticket.

I get nervous folks. Something upcoming that's looming with eminent doom?...I worry. Something great coming up but that will require some feat of strength whether it be emotional or physical?...I worry. Someone jumps out from behind the bathroom door and scares me? ...I shit my pants and then am mad for an hour. My gas needle is practically on E?...I bite all my nails off in anticipatory angst. In the words of the 80's band Scandal, "I am the Worrier!" Oh hmm wait, maybe they are saying "Warrior"? Well I've always sang it as "worrier" so why stop now? I'm a high strung broad. ;)

So needless to say I was a freakazoid all day yesterday (sorry to he who had to be around that, do you see what you're dealing with now?) worrying my little head off about "worse case scenarios". Still my date proceeded to say the same simple thing I get from just about everyone with sense and that is, "yeah...but..you can really DO anything about any of that right now, so the worrying is pointless." He's right! Tell it to my digestive system! :( So I worried all day about how putting in my 2 weeks notice at TA would go, imagining the worst such as being given the Peoples Elbow, Rock style, by a very short man who also happens to be my boss, so being set on fire, to being locked in the back conference room for two weeks with no gingerale or if it goes as bad as I THINK, he'd fire me on the spot. I am slightly mental you see. :) But Im a hell of a marketer and I'm gonna kick ass at my new job! (but Ive already started to worry about that preemtively too, so rest assured, I got that worrying covered) ;)

I basically put it off all morning, editing my resignation letter...telling everyone on the planet about it first...being a total chicken (bakaw!), when finally I decided that I had to do this before lunch; I needed to just get up, waltz in there with my letter in hand and do the deed. So anyway, it went perfectly fine and very civil and even PLEASANT. So that goes to show ya how much more medication I need to be on just to live a normal life. ohhh dear...

I'm excited though. I do feel as is a huge weight is lifted off of me. This new job is a great offer and I'm excited about it totally. I've already been getting Happy Hour invitations from many existing DC workers and THIS I am excited about. So things are great for thelauralee right now. I am so very happy. I thought it was a good idea for me to TELL YOU how happy I was and how well I am doing, given the fact that I'm very regularly bitching and moaning on here. You gotta ger the good AND the bad. :)

Thanks again for all the congratulatory emails and phone calls!!! Youre the best. I wont forget you when I'm a millionaire... ;)

Songs of the Week:
Walkin on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
So In Love - Perry Como
Bless the Broken Road - Rascall Flatts
True - Ryan Cabrera
The Warrior - Scandal

WE GOT ONNNNNNNNNNNE!!!

2005-08-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

...in the words of Jane Melnitz in Ghostbusters!

I can't give you all the details now, but I want you all to know, I got the job offer from the NASD today! Its PHENOMENAL! I will tell you all about it soon, individually and on here. I wont be around tonight, but I will tomorrow during the day. Sorry to spout off my schedule, I just didn't want you blowin up my phone unanswered. ;)

I am SO happy! This is such good news and SUCH good timing. I cant tell you how excited I am! Yey for me.

Now...Cool n' the Gang says we should "celebrate good times...come on!" So lets do it! I will start thinking of some ideas but I want to have a big party to celebrate. Maybe I can make it at my dad's house or something...hmmmm...

Thank you ALL for your support and encouragement and love. I love you and I'm soooooo happy!

Later fans...
LL ;)

Hello little girl!

2005-08-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

Guess who that is :) What a lil angel.

That's Chris in her belly. He did eventually come out and he was only a bit smaller than he is now ;)

1980 ruled. :) Speaking of 80's...try your luck at this quiz below and see how you do! Easy on the Google searches though...try it AU NATCHERALL...

80's Lyrics Quiz

Song of the Day:

Hello Little Girl - The Beatles

I'm not toadily hoppy..but looking at the brightside...things could be warts.

2005-08-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss!

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
He takes off her dress now,
letting ME go!

And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control - Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'!
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss!

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
Letting ME go!

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control - Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'
Cause I'm Mr Brightside
I never...I never...I never...

Songs of the Day:
You Belong to Me - Carly Simon
Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Symth & Don Henley
Don't Worry Baby - The Beach Boys
Mr. Brightside - The Killers

Take this job and...LOVE it!

2005-08-01T08:38:00.000-05:00

Don't shove it...love it folks. Love it. ;) In honor of my recent reprimanding and practical demotion and the restructuring of who is my boss now and who is not, I would like to recite this Ode to my Job. (ehem)

I LOVE MY JOB

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest. (cuz there's a lot of them now!)
I love my office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while!!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work: I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my JOB- I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men...
These men who've come to visit today
in lovely white coats to take me away!!!

:) Later Bloggies...I've got work to do and the HAWKS are watching. Cacaw! Check out this inspiring article about making your ho-hum job into the job of your dreams!

Also check out this OTHER article about the probability of making monkey fly out of your butt. The later seems a bit more "doable" but thats just my opinion and I'm a peon.

Songs of the Day:
Take This Job and Shove it - Johnny Paycheck (cept he meant LOVE it)
Happy Worker - Tori Amos

ps: Happy CIVIC DAY Canada, whatever the hell that is. Enjoy your day off from the jobs YOU love so much! ;) Make sure you honor your civics (Honda Civics that is).

When you get drunk...I'll be the wiiiiiiiine! OH!

2005-07-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. Mmmm. Art. That's art man. ;) I thought some of you might like a little BJ in the morning! ;) Bon Jovi of course. Whatdyou think I meant? Hmm.

Anyway...Happy TUESDAY! I just love Tuesdays. Not Tuesdays with Morrie or Black Tuesday, but Ruby Tuesday, Love You Til Tuesday, Barely Out of Tuesday, Church on Tuesday (yeah right), Tuesday's Dead...also Tuesday's Gone...ummmmm...Tuesday Morning, Forever Afternoon (Tuesday)!

You get the point. Plus I cant think of anymore Tuesday related song names. If you can guess who sang what, then you are an expert witness on Tuesday. Connoisseur of El Martes, Mardi (in some cases, Mardi Gras), Dienstag and Martedi. I'm trying out my language skills, inspired by Stargate Jumper who is helping me brush up on my French! (errrr not that kind of French)

The purpose of this blog is divided into three.

One, I want to say that I love my friends but many of you are hurting right now. :( Wait a minute...before I continue, can I just say WTF? I mean I dont think I've known so many close people to be so utterly unhappy at one time. What's wrong with us? Ok, rant over. You could say that I know that love and relationships are hard, but that would be an understatement. I think maybe we've gotten to the point where all the hopeful advice is hard to get and hear. I find myself giving oh-so-comforting advice like, "Oh f*ck it, do what makes you happy and if you find out that aint it...do something else. Plus you should cry a lot, throw some things and prolly withdraw form the world for a few days to boot", more often that I should!

"It'll all work out." "Dont worry, time heals all wounds" "Youll meet someone better than {insert name of cause of pain} and you'll be SO happy together because you waited and you're' a good person" "You deserve to be happy...just be patient, have faith" "Hey, everyone goes through this, you're going to be fine in no time." And my favorite (de mi mami), "Hey, at least you're not lying in a pit in Iraq." ;) No matter what, pain is pain and hurtin is just a process and I suppose we all need to just feel it and do the best we can to be happy. We may not always agree with one another on what the route to happiness should be, but I know one thing, we're GD lucky to have each other. I love you guys and you mean the world to me. ALL OF YOUZ! I''ll be there for you dammit! These five...I mean six...words I swear to you! haha ;) I'm serious though, you're great! Its hard to have it all though...we'll just do the best we can. I'm convinced that I was prolly hung over or something that day in heaven when God said (in a squeaky NY bookie dialect), "Ok listen up people! this is the last round of the draft...if you picked "great friends" in the first round, early on, your choosing number will be in the 5,000,000 to 1,000,000,000 range for "true love". So ehhhhh....go ahead and get into line now and ehhh...we're gonna take a few wild cards outta the line and make sure to waltz them right under your nose so you can see them get it all and suffer." ;) Although I might have missed that whole process after I got my best friends in the first round...I think Im learning how it works and hopefully I can beat the system. I'll give ya all my trade secrets as I learn them. Slowly. In time. As my wounds heal. ;) So yeah...all's fair in love and war...and drafts. Also, I don't recall a family draft, but I guess I did ok there too. Team Lee's got a lot of players who spend quite a bit of time on the DL but DAMN if they dont come back with some Larry Bigbie-esque force! Not to mention, damn cute like that too! ;)

Second thing...check out Heather's blog today! It made me SO happy! Pictures! Yes, I am the clown of the hour and I obviously have issues sticking alcoholic beverage labels to my sweaty body, but look no further for proof of point #1, that I have great friends and family! Pictures to proove it! I am so happy you were able to come down HH! I'm even happier that we didn't go to the reunion! ;) Seems we had our own reunion of sorts as you got to meet my new family. Different that the Mago Vista Lee's eh? Beer and music are still staples though as you can see. Anyway-- thanks for taking pics and I had a great time. Check it out peeps!

Issue # 3 is that I love cheese. I don't say this in passing. I intend to tell you why. Cheese deserves a tribute. ;) Last night I was having some cream cheese and I thought, 'MY GOD I love cheese!" All kinds really: havarti, gouda, cheddar, pepper jack, muenster, brie, blue cheese, even gorgonzola (which Erin and I ate one time by itself on a trip to Busch Gardens with the family and my aunt told us we were freaks), cream cheese, american cheese, swiss cheese, mozzarella, parmesan (though not the shaky cheese), nacho cheese (my cheese, nacho cheese), melted cheese (oh wait is this a type?) I'm not a huge fan of feta but only cuz I ate so many Greek Salads one time I got sick...but I'd do it again it if were there or someone dared me. ;) I also like that shitty Laughing Cow cheese at the store that Nikki makes fun of me for buying. It's spreadable! How can you not like this concept?! :) asadero, cotija, queso, linberger, rondele (boursin...whatever), rochbaron, romano, camembert, goat cheese and provolone. I will say this...I dont like smoked mozzarella, or at least the kind from the Italian Market that Nikki bought. That crap tasted like a three alarm fire. I gave it to Dave. Along with Julie's (my Dad's wife) crappy pasta salad she made that one time for the girls' birthday. She made that again at the Christening last Sunday. It was a LOT better, but there were still gobs and gobs of it left over and I snuck out without having to take any home. ANYWAY, I digress...I can even handle (not alone) ricotta cheese in pasta n' stuff. I also like that cheese with stuff in it at the Giant like the horseraddish cheese or sundried tomato cheese. Goooood stuff! :)

I like cheese wheels, cubes, cheese balls, cheese in soup, on carbs of any sort, on meats...I like cheesecake, cheese blintzes, anything cheesy! I'm the cheesiest! I cant honestly think of much I wouldn't have some version of cheese in conjunction with. Try me! Name something! haha In fact I think that they should remake Willy Wonka again, but make it about cheese...where a magical man keeps a cheese making factory. That way when all the chosen children (and hopefully me) get to walk into that "Paradise Room" everything will be made of cheese and there should probably be a cheese river too...call it "Fondue" or something. Also when he has the contest, the winning tickets shouldn't be golden tickets, but cheese tickets...made of cheese!

Ok I've lost my mind. haha That was an extreme Ode to Cheese. It had to be done though...I'm sorry. I probably sound like Bubba in Forrest Gump talking about shrimps. ;) WHICH by the way I could write a whole blog on as well. So as he said about shrimps finally, "Um...ok thats about it." :)

Oh wait, I fee la forth point rising.....yow! I'm leaving for Niagara Falls tomorrow morning at the ass crack of dawn for business. My coworkers have a way of finagling vacations out of business trips. The next one is scheduled for Atlantic City, but ya know what? I've NEVER been and I dont think I want to go with coworkers. No offense Sean...but if I met you in Atlantic City, it would be with friends and you'd be considered one of them as well. So...I have it on good Canadian authority that we're going to have a good time, even though he's been there bazillion times and that we'll do all the dumb tourist stuff like the Maiden of the Mist and go gambling, etc etc and that we can even go to the American side and see how much we Yankees suck in comparison to Canadians. Cant wait. Hope that doesn't cost more than a "purple bill" in Canadian mulah though. ;) So yeah, party-on Wayne...my first trip to Niagara. I will have my lap top so I can obsessively check for your emails and comments. SO HOWZ ABOUT IT SUCKAS???

Have a good Tuesday :) Here are the answers to who sings what (in the order the songs were listed). And yes, you can bitch me out and correct me if I'm wrong. You seem to love doing that when it comes to music, so let it out man, just let it out!

Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Counting Crows, Stone Temple Pilots, Cat Stevens, Metallica, Melissa Etheridge, Moody Blues

ps: Good luck to allllll local bands with shows tonight in the DC area. Whomever you may be... ;)

Can you please remove my erotic nose-brain?

2005-07-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'm having trouble committing to HP. Yes...we've been together for a long time, and don't get me wrong, it's been a good run, but just recently, I was given the opportunity to rekindle our passion for one another with the release of the 6th chronicle of his life as a adolescent boy at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (adolescent boys are my weak spot...mmmm). But alas...I picked up the book at midnight on the day of it's release in my grandiose nerdiness and then, boom...its like one thing after another this past week and, welp, I haven't even really touched the book. :( I can't seem to do it! Between interviews, emotional luuuuuuv turmoil, family drama, chores, job trauma and the fact that it's been 5000 degrees everyday (this takes a toll on thelauralee) by the time this weekend rolled around, I didn't even have the energy I felt Harry deserved in order to delve in. I'm starting to think its mental. I have a tendency, at times of chaos in my life, to take control over VERY odd aspects and hold out or become very stubborn about them. Its like a form of procrastination retardation. ;) Anyway...I need motivation! You'd think after the 40 phone calls, emails and failed attempts to tell me what happened in the book, I would have gotten moving. For shame.

But the reason I share this minor setback with you is so I can guiltlessly tell you a bit about the book I AM reading sporadically that I found in the bathroom. haha I think its Nikkis. It's called, "Learn to Relax; A Practical Guide to Easing Tension & Conquering Stress". It's interesting! I've just reached a very imperative point (or rather I skipped right to it) regarding passion, relationships and relaxation.

The book says: "Surely passion, with its connotations of turbulence and compulsion, is far from relaxing? But if we build a wall against passion, relaxation is impossible. Scientists have demonstrated that if the amygdala (the biological "seat" of passion) is removed from the brain, we lose our ability to function on any emotional level, preferring to be solitary, than to interact. We become indifferent to the people for whom we once felt love, and uninterested in the activities that once inspired us."

WOW! This really caught my interest! I've read about the wonders of the amygdala and its influence over our most powerful emotions such as love, passion, fear, sadness and the memories associated with those emotions, that even produce physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, heavy breathing, and maybe a little stirring down below the waist (wink wink). Or maybe a LOT. ;) I remember a scene in one of my most favorite movies, "Someone Like You", where Ashley Judd's character Jane Goodall is heart-broken over her recent breakup with Ray (Greg Kinear). She basically goes off the deep end in her thirst for knowledge and emotional self-awareness where love, passion and loss are concerned and in that journey, learns about the amygdala (aka the erotic-nose-brain). The scene shows her in a crowded elevator with Ray (on the way to their office), a few people behind him (after they've broken up) and she kind of slinks up behind him (unbeknownst to him), closes her eyes and inhales his scent. The scene quickly cuts to to her imagining visiting a neurologist, asking to have her amygdala removed ASAP (the part that stores smell memories) because she can't seem to not have an all out break-down that stirs up all her emotions for him, when she smells fresh laundry and sweet vanilla in any combination. haha Who can't relate to THAT?! One little memory will send you off the deep end some days. Takes a long time before you can see something that reminds you of your lost love, and genuinely smile.

So this was just SO interesting to me, I decided to do a little bit of research on the amygdala. Here's some of what I came up with:

The seat of emotion in the human brain is referred to as the amygdala (pronounced a-mig-da-la). It is a small mass near the center of the brain shaped something like a chestnut. It is responsible for our 'base' emotions. By 'base' emotions I mean fear, excitement, passion and so on. However, the complexity of our emotions are not well understood. For instance, fear is a general response; heart rate increases, oxygen consumption increases, beta-endorphins are often released to reduce fatigue and pain - this is called the 'fight-or-flight' response. The body prepares to run or do battle. This response can be triggered by an arousal, such as a 600 pound angry meat eating gorilla foaming at the mouth (rabid) charging to attack you - would probably generate such a response in your body. However, some people experience these symptoms for no apparent reason - we call that a panic attack, and it is a condition that is generated for unknown reasons in the amygdala. We do know, however, that certain traits go along with people who experience panic attacks, or the worse form, general anxiety disorder, which is something like a 6 month long panic attack. These people exhibit a decrease in alpha production in the brain. Alpha waves are medium-slow waves that the brain produces a lot of as you are just falling to sleep. Healthy brains produce a certain amount of alpha waves while you are awake. An uptight brain produces very little. Often, anxiety is treated by 'teaching' a person's brain how to produce alpha waves.

Passion is a basic emotion also seated in the amygdala. Passion is necessary for reproduction. Our DNA just loves to replicate, thus, the amygdala makes boys chase girls and girls taunt boys so that our DNA can carry on. It is, after all, the DNA that lives forever, merely changing its 'body-coat' every generation.

In looking for info on the amygdala I read about another contradicting theory on the explanation of the emotions. Dan Winter of San Graal Multimedia, invented a device called "The Heartlink Interface." Simply put, it's a gizmo that locates your "soul". He did ten years of research to discover that the heart, rather than the brain is the "primary harmonic oscillator" of the body and he found that at the moment when a person feels deep "Compassionate Love," the heart is vibrating or "singing" at a specific harmonic frequency (.618hz). He then created Heartlink to teach you how to locate that frequency in the heart, and to learn how to sustain that vibration or "note" for prolonged periods of time. So, with practice, you can begin to feel oneness emerging from within. (As Penn and Teller say...WHAT THE F*CK?!)

Heartlink can be used by up to two people at a time so lovers can align their hearts in sustained interactive oneness, and it is also "shareable" on the internet (oh thank God...whew), making global interactive meditation possible for the first time. So you can imagine a time in the not too distant future, when millions of these "grok boxes" are in use and hearts around the world will be "singing" in unison, in deep Compassion like a global vibration (bzzzzzzzzzzz!)

So bloggies, the point in all this rambling, other than to actually blog (something ELSE Id been avoiding or putting off) is to share with you some of the neat things I found about how much connectedness (as well as bizarre theories) there really are between the physical and the emotional things we homosapiens experience. Your feelings and emotions can indeed be broken down into physical, scientific explanations, but that doesn't help you much in understanding sometimes, now does it? When it comes down to it though, I think Id rather take the pain in order to have the pleasure too. :) Too many times we wish our experiences and memories away, but look at what a big blob of wasted space you'd be without your amygdala! Hard to imagine a little nubbin in your brain, no bigger than a quarter, can cause alllllll this craziness we call life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Now...on that note...anyone interested in hooking up the old "Heartlink" with thelauralee and feeling some oneness? You know...good, good GOOD, good vibrations!!! I'm talkin 'bout good vibrations! ;)

"Do the right thing."

2005-07-18T08:27:00.000-05:00

Spike Lee is just about the ONLY Lee who will tell you that. ;) If you're planning (or not planning for that matter) to do something bad, naughty, irresponsible, indulgent, self-serving, frisky, risky or just flat out stupid, run it by a Lee first and if that particular family member of mine says, "Oh cool!", then you can pretty much assume you're meeting your goal. :)

Let's say for instance you have a huge job interview (or meeting rather) at 10AM in Washington, DC, which during rush hour traffic will take you at least an hour to get there, then find parking on 23rd Street in NW DC. On the eve of said interview you proceed to get sh*t-faced with your best friend and your family. But wait! What's the occasion? Your little twin baby sisters Baptism! What else, of course?! Yes, so this is a key example of where I, a certified Lee, did not, "Do the right thing."

Obviously Heather and I had a great time at the girls' Christening and an even better time at the "after party". I was so happy that Heather got a chance to meet the little sweeties and see how quirky and cute they are, as well as get obliterated as a fitting tribute to their journey into the world of Christianity. How apropos.. haha I told you guys...everything is a party with these people. For those of you who are familiar with the annual early summer brew that Fordham (Ramshead) makes just 9 kegs of and then sells at a rapid rate, mainly to my father, then you will know yesterday was an inportant day, as we drank all three jugs of Meibach that he'd been saving for a "special occasion". This is the stuff I told you about before, that he refuses to let me or anyone drink when visiting. Your welcome into his home always goes a little something like this, "Hi! So glad you're here! Make yourself at home! You're welcome to anything...oh except don't drink my Meibach and don't eat my squid." Check. Check. So he busts out the Meibach in celebration, by pouring Heather a LARGE glass of it, thus beginning her initiation into drunken singing and dancing. And can I just tell you that I'm not entirely sure of its alcohol content, but its in the neighborhood or 9%. This stuff will put you on your ass. Add to that, a buttload of Modelo, Molson Canadian and an ungodly amount of Dos Equis and Kirin Itchibach, and we finally rolled out at around the stroke of Midnight, after I drunkenly stressed two points, First, "I NEED A GD SANDWICH NOW!" and second, "I have an interview at 10Am and this sh*t it s big deal you drunk asses!" Giggles and agreement ensued. All dancing, singing, guitar playing, freestyle rapping and drinking stopped and very involved 'around the kitchen island' eating commenced.

So yeah...I was a bit...um...tired n' stuff this morning when I got up at 6AM to ready myself for the big event. I did find that since I planned to leave at 8AM (for a 10AM interview...I know, a bit insane but I do tend to encounter misfortune from time to time, not to mention its like a bazillion degrees outside and I had to have time to compensate for the extreme sweating I was bound to do in a suit), I found that I had an overage of time. So I tried to get ready slowly (also helps with the sweating). I even ate and went over my papers and did my hair all nice and professionally done up and still had time to lay on the couch and act neurotic with anxiousness for about half an hour. I'm about to walk out the door when, I get a phone call. The woman I was supposed to rendez-vous with is stuck in a New York City Airport. I think that's ironic, because Heather purposefully missed her train last night to stay an extra day (and because they don't let people that trashed get on trains) ;). So I've got one New Yorker here with me, but not the one who will award me the job! Bummer. (But I aint got nuttin but love for ya HH)

I'm so disappointed. :( Its not a big deal, and chances are that I should have stayed home and slept this one off anyway, but I was hoping to get an offer today. So Im sitting here in my suit (which is tight and Im pissed about that) and I decided to blog a lil just to let you all know, since I got a lot of sweet requests for phone calls directly after the interview was over. But I think Im going to climb back in bed with HH and go back to sleep. :( Thanks for all the well-wishings (and even the good luck calls this morning!). I was really hoping to have some big news for you today, but such is life.

You might recall that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry seems to think he's "Even Steven". Whatever mishap, trauma or misfortune he encountered, he'd quickly have something happen to return to homeostasis and restore what he'd lost, making him even. "I throw $20 out the window...I find $20 on the street later! I'm Even Steven!" Even Steven Jerry (and on many an occasion, "Bizarro Jerry") are kind of how I'm feeling right about now. I have a hang-over; my interview is cancelled. I plan to leave at 8AM but spend some time screwing off instead; her secretary catches me before I'm on my way into DC. I suppose being even isn't quite the worst thing in the world. :)

I'll let you know if anything progresses here...besides Book 6 of HP ;) I mean with the interview of course...

I'll try and get some pictures from yesterday up. The girls were SO flippin cute and really squirrelly too. Heather took a lot of pictures as well as video. All in all, I think she had a good time. ;) We'll just have to wait for her blog find out. I will say this...she at one point got a peak into the extreme insanity that is "The Lee's" when my father was telling a story where he was a scuba diving pirate, and proceeded to put on pirate costume accessories and squint his eye and say, "Arrrrrrrrrr matey!" a lot. She even captured in on film. Im so proud. ;) I was especially touched when she leaned over during the show and whispered to me, "OMG this is totally where you get it."

GET WHAT??? I don't act like that! errrr....umm...right?

Alohomora!!!

2005-07-16T16:08:00.000-05:00

Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong... (stay with me here)
...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong...Dong!!!

No, that's not my TO DO list ;) It tis the joyous sound that filled our ears last night as we handed over 80 bones to the University of Maryland Bookstore at the stroke of midnight! Four copies of HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE, are indeed in our possession. :)

Let me preface this entry by saying that it WAS exciting to be there, for Harry Potter Midnight Madness, but it was a bit unnerving to see the level of "madness" people really did display. Many of those people in line for books will remain virgins for eternity. I wish I had the pictures we took, and I wish even more that you could have been there to see this circus. All the three of us needed to do was share a brief glance with one another to convey the simple thought, "OMG, look at that freak over there with the gigantic wand and elf ears!!!" haha

At one point, we saw a very somber young man wearing a crushed purple velvet hooded cloak (hood over his head of course...I mean what do you expect? We were in the Student Union where one needs head cover!) Some of you might not get this little bit here, if you don't read the HPs books, but I leaned over and said, "I just wanted to let you know, ummm, your invisibility cloak isn't working. I can see you." haha Later on, Erin and I thought that would have been more entertaining if it has started with me actually bumping into the guy and saying, "oh whoops, sorry, I didn't see you with that bitchin invisibility cloak on." BUT it would only be complete, if we didn't look directly at his face when we said it, just to the side, so that it gave the impression, we really couldn't see him." So yeah...there were lots of Gryffindor scarves, a few Dobbys, a Trelawney (though its possible that very ornate outfit was her daily wear...she looked a bit "arty"), lots of foreheads with lightening bolts drawn on them and last but not least, lots of little black circular lensed glasses. Oculous Reparo! :) It was hard not to get into character with them. I did at one point decide that Im going to have to get my hands on some wooden drumsticks, a piece of sand paper and some stain and a feather from the tail of a Phoenix. I've got an idea for a good wand brewing here...who wants one?! :)

Anyway, its gooooooood y'all. ;) TITillating really. I don't want to tease those of you who haven't gotten it yet, but hey, its good shit is all Im sayin and Im a lucky beeyatch to have it in my grubby little mits right now. I had a good time last night, being all "hyper excited" and nerdy enough to wait in a line at midnight. Though, I don't know how well it went over when, as soon as they handed me my copy, I held it up and said, "I GOT ONE!!! Woooooooo! Great Odin's Raven! I've finally got one! Oh joyous Harry Potter my love child! I am in a glass case of emotion!", opened the novel and inhaled its freshly published aroma; then rubbed it between my legs moaning before sitting down right in the middle of the auditorium to start reading it and exclaiming with random bursts of excitement at the glorious text...

But hey, at least I wasn't wearing a freaking invisibility cloak.

Songs of the Day:
Magic - The Cars
Magic Man - Heart
Pinball Wizard - Elton John (from Tommy)
People are Strange - The Doors

ps: Alohomora! is: The unlocking charm, used to make a locked object unlocked (though this is basic HP material people and I feel that you all should know this by now...really...come on.) For other spells, check THIS out.

pps: I borrowed a few "emotional quotes" from Ron Burgundy. See here.
I couldn't really find a way to work in: "Whats that Baxter? You know I don't speak Spanish. What? You pooped in the refridgerator? And you ate an entire wheel of cheese? I'm not even mad, I'm Impressed." ;)

Ya up for a Quickie?

2005-07-14T14:14:00.000-05:00

Just a few items that I need to share with you, my horny readers...

1) By reading all the comments on our blogs today (eh-hem Heather and Lindsay) you would think we had been incarcerated for the last 10 years without a conjugal visit! What is going on?! Fun though. ;)

2) I'm straight. Whatever you read on their blogs or mine, this basic principle still applies. I dont like the taco.

3) Tomorrow is Severna Park High School's 10 year reunion, Class of 1995 (that would be me). I've successfully talked HH out of going. I feel a little bad about that :( but...wait a minute...ok, I'm over it...I got over it just then. ;) I just dont wanna spend $65 for A ticket (as in one, as in, NO DATE) to go and tell my sad story 45 times to a bunch of people who know the players, but just dont give a crap and who are amicably tolerating my voice and feigning interest while they think of the ridiculously overblown BS thing they are going to say next. Also I dont want to see anyone Ive slept with. hah, kidding. I just dont have a lot to say and the whole, "create a big bodacious lie for fun" plan is lacking appeal at this point. I'd just rather party at my house. besides, I pretty much keep in touch with all of you anyway! So I hope you all got the email I sent out inviting you to my house, if not, theres a technical difficulty, let me know. Hopefully we can work it out, so stay tuned to your email (and I know most of you read, even if you dont comment you FOOLS) and we'll pull something together. Just in 5 minutes alone, I got responses from most people, plus some suggestions for a couple of people I left off and have since then heard from them (like Jess! yey!) Heather C is probably going to stop by with her baby so we can all see what angels look like ;) Anyway...I'll be in touch. To those of you who ARE going to the reunion, bring back gossip please and tell me how ugly and unsuccessful everyone one is. j/k Oh, and who's now a woman (who was previously a man). Or vice versa. haha Ok, that's it. Oh no wait...also could one of you pick up my English Journals from senior year? And Kevin's? He seems to think that were actually getting them back at the reunion and is bugging the crap out of me about it, which I think is ridiculous. But if they are there, snag em pretty please? Someone? Im not really geared up to read them, seeing as how I projected where I wanted to be in 10 years and I dont recall writing, "marrying the guy sitting next to me, growing apart, getting a divorce and skipping the reunion because I feel like a loser." I may have written that, but I dont think so. ;) HH is taking the train down tomorrow and will be here at 9pm. If anyone wants to chill, as Blondie says, "CALL ME!!!"

4) Im taking off tomorrow and Monday. Monday at 10am is my 4th big thingy. Pray for me. Five times a day. Facing Mecca. ok? Thanks :)

5) The girls are being christened on Sunday and Erin and I are Godmothers. I'm happy about that. Ok thats all I got there. Oh except look at this...isnt it cute?

Their first pony ride :) And no I dont know who that skinny bitch with the walkman is. Shes not related to me. Im sure of it.

6) Lastly I just want to tell Lindsay that I love her and Im thinking of her. She's going through something hard that I think all of us at one point or another have unfortunately experienced. When you love and/or care about someone and they dont reciprocate, it hurts like hell. You can't make someone with even half a heart or a brain love you or care about you, but if you're someone like Lindsay, you don't have to. It's effortless to love you Lindsay. You're one of the greatest people walking this planet and I'm proud of you for holding out for someone who is worthy of you and will love you HALF as much as we do...like I said...Effortlessly. I know what youre going through...hell...sometimes it hurts like hell even when the person does love you back, but just can give you what you need and want. I can tell you one thing though Linz, the only person lacking in that relationship was him. We can all do more to better ourselves, but you are a one hell of a package girl. I feel sorry for him (almost) that he's so inept. Remember that whats good for the goose isnt necessarily good for the gander. I have no idea what that means, I just wanted to say it. ;) Actually, keep in mind what I said the other night about being able to influence the problems someone else has with intimacy, security and relationships. Its a losing battle sometimes. You got to the decision making point and made an adult decision to respect yourself. Let it flow, let it go. In time, you will meet your lobster. I might try and make you think its me, but try to resist. Try hard Little Lou. ;)

Ok friends and lovers (and past lovers...and future lovers!) I'm off to pretend like Im working. Ugh...its such a task (sigh).

Luv,
me lee

Very Pertinent Songs of the Day:
Separate Ways - Journey
Let it Flow - Toni Braxton
Take a Bow - Madonna
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five (give me my money back, you bitch...and my black tee shirt!!)

What Color Was John Brown's Gray Horse?

2005-07-13T18:07:00.000-05:00

RANT ALERT!!! Neeee Naaaaw! Neee Naaaaw! <--siren

I'm working at Curves tonight, as I feel I do every night of my life, and I just had to interrupt your regularly scheduled program to comment on the level of intelligence in "this neighborhood". I apologize in advance to those who live in it or in the surrounding areas or grew up here...of COURSE I dont mean YOU. (heh)

So Curves is running this "Summer Workout Tournament" and there are about ohh...I dunno...about 22 teams of 4 women a piece. The object of the tournament is complex indeed. In fact, I'm surprised it's not an Olympic Event. Really. Each lady is awarded one sticker per workout to put on her little tally sheet on the wall (of various feminine and eye piercing colors). Additionally, she can earn another stick by either answering a "Curves Trivia Question" or completing one of two feats of strength and endurance: Hula hoop for 30 seconds, or get Yahtzee with 5 pink fuzzy dice the size of grapefruits, with a dirty black trashcan as 'the shaker'. The team with the most stickers at the end of the tournament wins, "a special mystery prize".

I am so over this game. I thought originally, "How is a stupid 'mystery prize' supposed to motivate them to do anything? And what purpose does this serve towards womankind?" Well low and behold, you'd think they were giving away a Pink freaking Cadillac with the way these wolves, whoops I mean women, are vying for stickers! They're insane! I swear I must get stopped during my workout (or blogging) 50 times to get someone a sticker the size of a lemon seed, that they are subsequently crapping their pants over. And I hear them talking shit about each other too! (ie: Hey! She got two!! I only got one! She didnt even DO anything! She's cheating is what it is.) Amazing.

Ok...cuttin to the chase here, before someone needs another sticker...I think a lot of the members are finding the Hula-hoop feat and the Yahtzee challenge a bit difficult ("oh ma gawd that is like sooooo hard!") and so they've figured out that if I'm working, and they ask for a trivia question, I'll probably say, "Yup. Heres your sticker beeeyatch!" for whatever answer they give. But wait, there is a reason for this not-so-random act of kindness! They are NOT SMART and I dont have the heart (or courage!) to break it to them..."Babe, youre stupid.".

Case in point...here's my favorite question to ask:
Me {unimpressed}: Which muscles are you working when you're using the Oblique Machine?
Member: errrrrr...{confused look} huh?
Me: {slower} Whaaaat muuuuuscles aaarrrree wooooorked on the OB-LEEK MAH-SHEEN?
Member: Ummmm...your legs? {timid look}
Me: on the OBLIQUE MACHINE. Oblique.
Member: the uhhhhh....le...{verbal pause looking for help}
Me {giving a hint}: Ooooooooooooo...
Member {copying me}: Oooooooooo.....
Member and I {same time, her one beat behind me}: Oooo-Bleeeeks!
Member {excited}: Obliques! Obliques! Where's my sticker?
Me: Up your ass.

Just kiddin, I dont say up your ass, I stick in on their WT manicured Glen Burnie fingernail (with small jewel super-glued to her index finger of course) and go about my business while they jump up and down, chastise other members and basically and act 8 years old. Now, I'm not trying to be a kill-joy here, but WTF? Would it be easier if I just asked them who's buried in Grant's tomb?!

So What Color IS John Brown's, Gray Horse, bloggies? If you said brown, in the words of Donald Trump, YOURE FIRED! haha I'm anxious to see who wins the mystery prize. Beware soccer moms! Watch your back if you win! These broads mean business! hehe

On that note, I will say that maybe I'm just all Curved out. This week alone, I was actually hit in the back of the head with the Hula-hoop while picking up the fuzzy pink Yahtzee dice (owww! this actually hurts!) and while moving the butt machine (yes, Lisa, I know, it's called the Glute Machine), I smacked my shin on the big steel bar that you push backwards with your foot! I have a knot the size of a tangerine on my shin and its black n blue already. :( Thats sexy. I was gonna go get manis and pedis with my sister on Friday and I'm sure those little Asians will be happy to see my bruised legs again. HOT! Me love you longtime!

Ok...I better go, there is a naked cat fight going on in the back over the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" puffy sticker. It's the "Big One"! It is coveted by all. ;) I have to brave my safety yet again, while my coworker cleans furiously to avoid the Tri-Idiot Tournament. Shes' a cleaning fool!!!

So...this one's for you J (cleanin fool)...it's her favorite...

Song of the Evening:
YMCA - The Village People

We got the Y, the C and the A down, and one of these days shes gonna learn that M! B'lieve hon! ;)

ps: oh, I forgot to mention that I got that 4th call I was waiting for! Im meeting with them on Monday to "talk turkey"! Big changes on the horizon for thelauralee! Party might be on me next week....I'm DC bound. Goodbye Balamer, Merlin, youz were good ta me fer 5 years hon. Time ta moove on downna road.

pps: the other question I like to ask them is: What muscles are used on the bicep and tricep machine? Again...blank looks. Its ok...not everyone can be as smart as meeeee! ;)

2005-07-13T15:41:00.000-05:00

Thats what I wanna know!

What's wrong with me Doc?

2005-07-13T15:35:00.000-05:00

{gulp} Oh Kermie! :(

Good Times.

2005-07-11T15:43:00.000-05:00

There. I blogged.

ps: 4 days til Harry Potter, nerds! Erin has commandeered 3 copies for Heather, Erin and I to pick up at the "Harry Potter Midnight Madness" event at the University of Maryland Bookstore, scheduled for 12AM Saturday morning. Yey for us. She seems to think she ACTUALLY reserved the copies by using her new homemade wand to cast a spell (which for all intents and purposes, will from this point forward be called, “Masterpieceos Reservo!”) BUT, she called the bookstore this morning to reserve them, "just in case". So we’re safe ;) Good lookin out for us, lil Beaner Sprout.

pps: oh and in case you didnt pick up on that...BaileyJuice is taking the train down Fridizzay. Woohoo!

2005-07-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day:
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he ! said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.. ""Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who had pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm just an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole.

(Gary)
B**ch

(Rebecca)
F___ YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - Bimbo

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one!

8 Days to Happiness

2005-07-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

...8 days until the release of J.K. Rowlings 6th masterpiece, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

I cannot tell you how excited I am. wow. I cant wait. Someone calm me down. Please. I beg you.

In reality, I realized today that really this is all Im looking forward to in my immediate future. Though I am not quite as geekafied as I was when The Order of the Phoenix came out a few summers ago, this is one thing that I can lose myself in every time. I wouldn't mind getting lost for a while in something that makes me happy and permeates my brain for days on end. That's how these books are. If you haven't read them, I urge you to give it a whirl...its not joining the masses, its an experience that you're missing out on. Not to mention an entirely new language full of fun to say words! Check it out fans! (click on HP Pronunciation Guide on left bar).

I got a very excited email from Kevin a couple days ago titled "10 Days! Woo hoo!". I'd been so wrapped up in myself, I'd forgotten. I've pushed so much down, and sadly, HP was one of those things! His email and enthusiasm, in light of this year, made me miss him, as that was something we celebrated together with utterly open nerdiness. Two copies would arrive on the day it came out and he was insanely overzealous in tracking the prepaid order from Amazon. I knew when I got home there would be two copies (he wasn't feeling the whole 'sharing thing') for us to get started on that night. It was the one thing he made time for, made arrangements for. It took me what felt like centuries to even get him to pick up The Sorcerers Stone, but once he did, from that point forward, we shared an alarming case of Harry-mania.

Because Im a much slower reader and didn't have the time or energy to stay up all hours of the night reading, we often found that we would have to separate for days at a time as to not ruin it for one another. If I wasn't reading and he was, Id hear noises from the other room...gasps, girlish squeals, and the occasional, "Oh my gawd, no WAY!" which would make me run into the room and beg, "What?!" and he would change his entire demeanor to unimpressed, and say, "Nothing...I cant tell you. I'm sorry." haha Tease! Of course I'd have killed him if he'd told me and ruined it, but I'd still ask. When I was reading and he wasn't (mainly due to the fact he was finished), he would hear my reactions from upstairs and would run to the top of the stairs and yell, "What part are you on?!" and I would tell him. Every time, it was met with, "Ohhhhh...hmmm. Keep reeeeeading!!!" in this sing-songy taunt telling me that I was about to hit a major shocker. That just the thing with the Harry Potter books...there's always a shocker in every chapter. These books are page turners. Every one of them.

So get ready everyone to see the image above, everywhere you go; grocery stores, doctors offices, pools, camps, offices, restaurants, etc. You're going to see people with their noses buried in the Half-Blood Prince (that sounded weird eh?). Undoubtedly...if you stick around, you're bound to hear a few inflections..."Whoooaaaaaaa..." Some will snap back into reality, some will not. Hopefully I won't.

So count me in as one of the "unreachables" come July 16th (that's 8 days from now, if you werent picking up on the whole "title thing"). After that weekend though, I will have to come back into my real life where I do NOT, in fact have magical powers; I'm not an honour witch at Hogwarts; I dont play Quidditch for Griffindor; Harry, Hermione and Ron are NOT my best friends, but thankfully...I dont live with the Dursleys and it's ok that I don't know the Expecto Patronum spell to keep the Dementors out of my bedroom. whew...

As for my current stupor you're all in objection to: Though it will be hard, I will try and stay up on the blogging, friends. That'll be my contribution to society in lieu of answering the phone, the door or your emails. Ha. Try to love me anyway?

NERD ALERT!

2005-07-06T18:06:00.000-05:00

Whew...

...but then again maybe not all that cool either.

Thanks John. You nerd. :)

The Windtalker

2005-07-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

Read the following paragraph in a dramatic voice. Annnnnnnnnnd, go.

There are two things that a person can do in the face of evil; overcome it, or join it. This blog is inspired by true events where a genuine hero (played by thelauralee) faces such a challenge. For the last 5 years, she has experienced horrors of humanity in the face of professional competition. Make no mistake, gossip wears a human face. It's just not humane. Those who seek to convey their pleas for help, their successes, their failures and the dangers that lie ahead...must be windtalkers.

Sooooooooooo....how am I gonna do this? Well you read between the lines. Ok?

I am SO happy!!! I had a third something today with an important somebody and it couldn't have gone better! It was at 3pm and I hadn't really prepared as much as I would have liked and I got caught up in some other issues and forgot completely until my phone rang at 3pm on the dot as scheduled. I was a bit freaked out that I was going to have to fly by the seat of my pants, but the reality of the situation is that when something is right...when you find a good fit, all you have to do is be honest, relax and have confidence that you have the ability to be a successes at whatever you're doing. That's not always easy to do, but I pulled it off with ease. She was also very soothing and encouraging. At the end she said it was the quickest and best hour of her day. :)

First of all "she", who will remain nameless, was AWESOME. I adore her and if I do get the golden egg here, I will be so excited to establish that particular relationship with her and her entire organization. She earned my admiration and respect right away. I was completely at ease and everything just flowed. I think because I didn't have time to get myself all jacked up, and just had to be calm and professional on the spot, it was actually calming and I snapped right into my element. I hadn't been like that in YEARS. I think this opportunity is SO perfect for me, from what I've learned about it from multiple people, including her, and from researching the organization and responsibilities and benefits.

I may be getting way ahead of myself, but I feel very confident that I may have found my professional fit. She went on an on about the prospects that are available to the candidate chosen and made huge implications that I would be the one to reap those benefits. I will hear from her within the week about the 4th Oracle, which will be in person, in DC. Let me just tell you all right this minute that we are celebrating in DC in a serious way baby and its best if it happens that very evening because that means I'm in like flint. She said if there's a 4th, then its more of an orientation than an interview. It's meeting the client and making sure you mesh. Everyone likes me! I'm golden! (I hope...maybe...we'll see...)

Wish I could say more, but my current situation prevents me from anything but cryptic news flashes. Armed assassins, gossips, saboteurs and back stabbers are perched all around...it's a crucial time...I will get back to you on this issue ASAP. I will give you a signal when it's time to pow wow on this again..."The crow flies at midnight...cacaw!"

Yey for me! I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa-oh! And don't it feel good?! I know you are all so proud of me! Click here to see Lindsay endorse me on this opportunity: LINDSAY RULES!

Later Private I's ;)

ps: I suppose I should put something educational in this blog. Here's an article on Windtalking. Happy?

Ooo, You Make Me Live!

2005-07-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

Ooo, you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live

You're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know that my feelings are true
I really love you!
You're my best friend

Ooo, you make me live
I've been wandering round
But I still came back to you
In rain or shine you've stood by me girl
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend

Ooo, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooo, you make me live now honey
Ooo, you make me live

You're the first one when things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend

Ooo, you make me live
I'm happy, happy at home
You're my best friend
Ooo, you make me live
You, you're my best friend!

As promised...those were some of the pix from our NYC trip. Thanks girls, we had a fabulous time. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful women in my life. Whether its laughing, crying, singing, or making fun of other people unmercifully...times together are the best moments of my life. Thank you. :)

In honor of our Friday night in NYC (which thankfully we do not have photographic evidence of) and our ongoing quest to find the best bands God ever graced this spec of a planet with...I pay tribute to Queen. They are in fact one of the greatest bands of all time...

Our Songs: Dont Stop Me Now, Somebody To Love, Fat Bottomed Girls ;) , Under Pressure, You're My Best Friend, Play the Game, The Show Must Go On, Save Me, I Want To Break Free!

Are you gettin' it? YES, Armaggedon it!

2005-07-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

DEF LEPPARD (n' Bryan Adams)
Rock n' Roll Double Header!
Ripken Stadium, Aberdeen, Maryland
Friday July 8, 2005 @ 6:30PM

Wanna be my date? I wanna goew hon.

SPF 100 Gazillion!

2005-07-04T01:47:00.000-05:00

Disturbing...I know.

I'm posting this as a reminder to my baby sister that if she sits out in the sun any longer, she will either turn into a nice Prada bag or the INS ('scuze me, OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY) is gonna come and get her dark ass. Brown girls, brown girls, whatcha gonna doooo? Whatcha gonna doo when they come for yoooooou?

Now that I've solicited my warning to the little Raisinette, I will be a huge hypocrite and say...we had a great day at the beach today! haha :) I just love the beach...I could spend hours and hours there and never leave (until I feel like I want to eat my own head cuz Im so hungry). I suppose Im not the only one who feels that way about the oshun hon, eh? Given the fact there was NO VACANCY on the entire East Coast on 4th of July weekend n' all ;)

Thanks to Lindsay and Colleen for another wonderful day, good company, great tolerance, many laughs and some expressive Careokee. ;)

Thank you Madonna for your Emaculate Collection. :) * see: Careokee

Thank you SPF for keeping me less crispy than you did last weekend...but maybe kick it up a notch next time for Capt'n Red Foot (Lindsay) whose calves and feet look like Sebastian from The Little Mermaid (this is a lobster for those of you who are Disney impaired).

Thank you to sexy Ruskie waiter, Robert and Crabby Dicks for feeding three hungry ass bitches. ;)

Ill leave you all with this image (that Colleen will have haunting her memory forever):

thelauralee (das me), leaving to go to the porta potty back at the beach entrance (a good many yards from our claimed beach real estate today), and coming back at full speed, barreling down the path and sand dune like a mad woman, hopping like a GIANT mad cricket, in her bathing suit (yikes) and a baby blue bandana on her head like a Cuban stowaway, passing her blanket, chairs and friends, pushing small children out of the way, all the way to the surf, to put her sizzling feet in the water.

GD, sand is HOT!!!! I'm sure that was attractive Leen...I hope you cherish that image forever. You're welcome. ;)

Happy Birthday Amuuurrica!

Peace Out.

Another Friday Night And I Aint Got Nobody...

2005-07-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

...I got some money cuz I just got paid! How I wish I had some jerk to talk to...I'm in an awful way. errrrrrr....

Ok so its supposed to be "Saturday" but I changed it a little because I am fresh out of catchy Fridayisms. ;) Let me tell you why I am online tonight at the lovely hour of 11pm. As you know, because Ive been whining about it, I dont have any concrete plans this weekend. Some of this is circumstantial, and some of it is actually by personal choice. I have just been running so much for months that I've yet to have a weekend where I have a clean schedule. This hub-bub often leads to stressful weeks with weird makeshift outfits and bizarre meal concoctions, mainly due to the fact that I've not really done my laundry or grocery shopped in ages. I am however lucky enough to have called BG&E at the 11th hour a week ago and paid our electric bill, so God bless BG&E for the power it has so graciously bestowed upon our home (for only $300).

SO...I am staying in tonight. Nikki had a date with her little man-friend, and so I came home from work around 6pm, met my sister at my house so she could borrow a bunch of crap from me to go to the beach with and then Nikki and I had the BEST dinner from Taco Hell. Now regularly, I would have felt terrible for eating this doody food, but I was good all week (starting Tuesday--hah) and especially today, and let me just tell you it was sooooooooooooo worth it! Holy Crap! (and I mean it) The new Crunchstada or Crunchwrap or whatever the hell its called is SO F-in good. I mean its almost real food (if you click on that link above, stay away from the nutritional information...its frightening). We both ate the HELL out of that thing though. Mmmmmm...so tonight started off with a mucho grande bang! Then I helped Nikki get all dolled up and she looked really pretty. :) They went out and I sat on the couch channel surfing. I realized that for the first time in MONTHS, I was sitting on my couch on a Friday night, with no plans and total solitude and I was really CALM and content. Ahhhhh...

Five minutes later I was ansty. haha So I decided to watch the new season of 6 Feet Under, but thats not enough activity for me. I need to be doing a few different things (or people) at once to even be comfortable. ;) So, I thought, "What would I do if I could do anything I wanted to do right now thats lazy and unproductive but satisfying?" And the answer came to me instantly. Play Sweet Tooth on www.pogo.com. This is by far the most brainless yet entertaining game for me. I could mindlessly play this for hours, listening to Sirius Radio (80's and 90's Rock of course) and be as happy as a pig on a spit...errrrr..ummm...well happy! BUT (and its a big one) my laptop was broken (sigh). :( No games for Laura. Then it occurred to me that a number of smart people who know Im not that smart recommended that I reinstall my drivers, due to a number of issues Id had with spyware, a bad virus, and one bad night where I went through and deleted as many rogue programs I could identify; which in my brilliant PC repair expertise happened to include the deletion of two major utilities and drivers...thereby making my computer not even boot up without a giant IM SO MAD AT YOU FOR THAT banner popping up on the screen and shuttin thelauralee down. boo hoo. So Id spoken with a few people who'd told me that it might just be a good idea to reinstall with the CD that should have been provided by Toshiba thereby crashing my hard drive. Anyway, long boring story short, I just havent had the time to try to get in there and fiddle around with it. Im not terribly computer savvy, and I wanted to avoid any sort of tantrum, so I hadnt done it. Well tonight was as good a time as any, cuz in in the words of Styx, I've got tooooooo much time on my hands (and its ticking away with my sanity...t-t-t-t-t-too much time on my hands, t-t-t-t-t-t...)

This is the climax here (get ready): Get this bloggies...All I did was put the damn CD in, follow the directions, choose to backup my existing hard drive and reinstall. It did everything for me. NOW GUESS WHO IS SITTING AT HER $1500 LAPTOP TYPING UP A LITTLE BLOG SNACK FOR YOU RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE?! Yep! Meeeeeeeee! Yey!

I cannot tell you how self satisfied I feel about this. Not to mention-- we finally have freakin INTERNET in our home. Jeez! Welcome to this century! I luv it. :) This time I do believe Im going to get the proper internet provider and update all my virus protection and spyware before it becomes a problem. Always use protection, people. ;) As my grandmother used to say, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." That Taco Bell I ate is probably worth a pound of fat that will be on my ass by 5am, but did I tell you how good that thing was? Mmmmm crunchy!

Ok...Im off to play Sweet Tooth. I think also I might work on my tennisandals per Tom's Homemade Sandal Challenge I promised to participate in. Dont tell my competitors, but I'm cooking up something thats going to involve an old crusty pair of Keds slip ons, some green, red and white paint, some firecrackers and possibly some nacho cheese. You see, I want my secret sandals to be like Sandal Rockets with the firecrackers (or we might just have to make it sparklers since Im a total pu55y). The theme? Mexican, naturally. The colors...obvious. The firecrackers...a staple among bored, unemployed, drunk, Mexicans (and according to my sources, Glen Burnians too), and the nacho cheese is just to complete the trifecta. Unmistakably Mexican. Ill come up with a better name too, dont worry. NOW...I promise to make these sandals and take plenty of pictures and hopefully my current shade of brown skin will just add to the image for y'all. Areeba!

Otay Buckwheat...Im out like a light. I might go to bed early too! Yippee...Im such a nerd. I think I might head to the beach with Linz and Leen this weekend afterall so I must bask in Sweet Tooth until my eyes are bleeding! Now thats relaxation baby! ;)

Have a Happy 4th of July everyone! Dont blow any appendages off with M-80s. I'm assuming youll need them all for your busy social lives. ;)

Top 20 Things You Should NOT Do During A Job Interview

2005-07-01T14:57:00.000-05:00

20- Ask to take a bathroom break and say, "Puleeeze! It's #2!"
19 - Make fun of pictures of the interviewer's kids...call the girls "he" and the boys "she".
18 - Ask if the Holiday party is open bar...and then knowingly say, "But I mean REALLY open bar".
17- Call your interviewer "Mr. Dumbass" when his last name is Dumass (pronounced: doo moss)(have you seen that commercial? heh)
16 - Masturbate because it helps you to relax when you are stressed. It can wait.
15 - Ask if they ever press charges.
14 - Ask them if the office you would have if awarded this position has a door. When they say yes, say"Does it have a lock?"
13 - Ask the interviewer on your way out, "So, like, do you have any 'odd jobs' or anything I can do around here for some cash in the meantime?" and wink knowingly.
12 - Tell them you're ravenous and ask if they have a lil piece of cheese or something for you to snack on, exclaiming, "whew..I feel light-headed!"
11 - Say, "I'm bored of this conversation."
10 - Look at the phone and say "Cooooooool speaker phone!!! Neat-O!"
9 - Tell them that the reason you left your old job was because you were porking your boss...and that got old.
8- Ask "Let me make sure I get this straight; You like your employees to where their pants at ALL times right? That's part of your "so called" dress code?"
7 - Tell them you are certified in CPR and like to try it out every now and then to make sure you can still do it, but like...as a surprise or something so it's "more real".
6 - Tell them you need an hour off every Monday to visit your psychiatrist and then whisper, "Shock therapy."
5 - Constantly refer to yourself in plural, ie. "we'd love this job because...", "we feel qualified for this position because..."
4 - Mention that the stars told you to interview for this job--that you read it in your charts and then ask what sign the interviewer is. When he/she answers, quickly say, "Oh Dear God." with a terrified look of disdain on your face.
3 - Shart (This is two words combined. They are bodily functions.)
2 - Ask if they participate in Casual-sex Fridays
AND
1 - Ask, "Hey if me and a gay, handicapped, black woman both interview, is she gonna get the job?"

...just so you know. ;)

This is my second blog of the day. I'm giving a shout-out to the Dowd-man for a superbly funny blog today on what makes a good Rock n Roll Band 101, though I'm suggesting he makes it 'Hard Rock', not Rock n' Roll..but it's not my blog, and its perfect the way it is so...get to it folks! Click! Funneeee and insightful. I'm inspired. Tonight...I'm gonna drive fast, drink, take drugs and fuuuuuuuuuuu...mble around in my purse for my keys. ;)

Secondly, Nikki blogged! THREE TIMES! Holy Moses! Its good too! Check it out. Click! It made many an insane person laugh...so I hear. ;) I look like a freakazoid in the face-mask pictures, but hey, that's me. Please love me. :-/

Lastly, to any of those who have called me in the last 4-5 days and not gotten my voicemail but an aggressively bitchy Cingular computer woman voice telling you to go pound sand...that I MAY or MAY NOT be vacationing in the Canary Islands, I'm sorry, it's simply not true. It was a malfuntion. I got tired of everyone bitching at me and accusing me of avoiding their calls (which Evvvvvvvvveryone knows I DONT DO, riiiight?) and called Suckular and turns out it was their problem. On that note...anyone who has Cingular in the MD, DC, VA, DE area, I'm letting you know that Cingular has been having "major problems with wireless service resulting in busy signals and failure to connect calls" since June 27th. So I slapped em around and threatened to take my business to Verizon, and the guy on the phone freaked out like David Spade in the Capital One commercials, "Noooooooooo!" when the dissatisfied customer says hes taking his business to another company. So yeah... I nipped that in the bud for all of my people in the DelMarVa community. No thank you is necessary--and DEFINITELY, don't go out of your way to invite me to DO anything on the 4th of July or anything because you feel bad for me that I dont have plans. Ok? I would never expect THAT. That Cingular thing...that one was a freebie. ;) Anyway-- its all worked out I think. (so they say) So you can call me now...really...you can. Call me. Now.

Ok, seeing as how everyone I know has a date tonight with their loving husband or boyfriend or playmate and it's Friiiiiiiday and I aint got shit to do, I might stay late tonight and work on that blog about NYC some more. MAYBE. Sorry...I know you can barely get through your days having not seen it yet...but I try.

Luv,
Loserbaby
(as in..."Sarrrrammeeecannnnadawwww, I'm a loser-baby, so why don't you kill me?!" What IS Beck saying in that song???)

Songs: (good ones...cept for Beck)
She Talks to Angels - Black Crows
A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Don McLean
When Will I Be Loved - Everly Brothers
Loser - Beck

You gotta know when to hold ’em...

2005-07-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

...know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to beat the crap out of the camera man...

OMG!!! Why are you assaulting Yul Brynner?! Yikes. At least that camera didnt squirt water in his face (see recent Tom Cruise prank). Word has it that Texas Ranger's boxer, KennyRogers' publicist couldnt be reached for comment, but the reporters present (who were not at this point terrified of getting a Creatin' Creamin) were able to catch Rogers in the dug-out, right after he punched that cooler for looking cheeky. Upon being asked WHY he went into attack mode on that poor little Mexican cameraman, Larry Rodriguez, he said:

"Son, I've made a life out of beatin' people's faces, And knowin' what their problems were by the way they held their cameras."

Sources present for that quote said he sung it in a southern twangy accent and was asking where Dolly Parton was, which was befuddling to the already terrified standersby. ;)

Check out full article here: Beat me Kenny. Harder, you p*ssy!

What is going on in baseball anymore? Maybe the sports world feels the need to compensate for the lack of hockey fights this year and just burst out into a good scrap randomly, satisfying the sadistic urges of the average fan (or Canadian). There are so many interesting things about that article but here are my favorites:

*Rogers shoved two cameramen before the Rangers' game against the Los Angeles Angels on Wednesday in a videotaped tirade that included throwing a camera to the ground, kicking it and threatening to break more.

More WHAT? "You camera guys better f*ck off or I'm gonna break more!" HULK SMASHHHHH!!! I dunno about you, but I personally like to receive all threats in a specific and articulate manner. You suck Kenny. God bless the brave man who mutters under his breath at this point, "Like what?" Later in the article, it was reported Rogers said, "I'll break every ... one of them," in reference to the...ughhhh..cameras??? yeah, cameras.

*Because the incident occurred on the field, MLB has jurisdiction. A decision on possible discipline is expected Friday, Texas owner Tom Hicks said. "At this point there's nothing the Texas Rangers will or can do," Hicks said. "We will support whatever the commissioner decides."

I love how a Major League Baseball field is like diplomatic territory or something. If I were Yul, whoops, I mean Scary-Larry-with-no-Hairy (the cameraman), I would just be thrilled that the non-corrupt institution that is MLB was going to sort things out on my behalf and decide whether or not what Big Rog did to me and my trusty camera was actually "assault". It's on VIDEO. These guys need to get control over themselves on and off the field. Maybe Kenny needs to take some "keeping your cool" tips from Tom Cruise. Plus then he might be able to look at Katie Holmes's sweet ass. Peace people. Peace = Piece. Actually the coppers were breifly involved in this incident, but much like the FBI on a local Sheriff's crime scene, "They aint wanted round these parts. Farez I'm concerned, itz outta their jurisdicshun {spit tabacka}". No charges have been filed. We're just gonna let the Comish werk it ouuuuut!

*Rogers wasn't available for comment...Hart was: "He made it very clear to me that he did the wrong thing and it was inappropriate," Hart said. "It was out of character, way out of character for Kenny."

Guess what? Enjoy your new image, slugger. You think the media is gonna be on your side now?

*"Kenny is having anger issues right now," Hart said after Wednesday's game. "I don't know what's going on inside. We're responding to something that's very unusual."

Why wont he open up to me?! {sniff} I just don't GET it! I don't even know who he IS anymore! He won't go to counseling, he wont talk to the kids about their day, the other day he kicked the dog 3 times for looking at him weird...I've just about had it. I can't live with him if he just wont tell me whats going on inside! {Hart wipes eyes on apron and pouts} I'll just go to my mother's and take the kids!

*"His comment to me was, 'I didn't handle this right. I'm frustrated. My integrity and toughness is being called into question,"' Hart said.

No. Not your toughness. We know who's boss now. Especially LARRY!

*Paraphrasing here but it says in this article that Big Rog is a 6'1", 210 lb pitcher for a MLB team. Larry's stats aren't provided, unfairly, but I'm going to go ahead and guess from the photo, he's about 5' tall, 135 lbs, sopping wet, and HE DOESNT HAVE HAIR!!! It was probably justified though considering, Texas had been in a recent slump, and had lost eight of their last nine games. Sometimes you just have to kick someones ass over something like that. I hope Rodriguez got to at least mutter at Rogers (before KR stormed off to take it out on the cooler): "I'm so mad at you for that."

*"Kenny has had a short fuse dealing with the media," Hicks said. "I've heard stories about what may or may not have happened. He has issues. It's directed at the media and I don't know why."

I don't really like to see myself on recording either. Mmmmm, yeah, not so much. Maybe he thought that lately he'd looked fat on camera and had just had it. I feel that way sometimes too and occasionally I might beat the camera person as well. ;) In all seriousness (shaa), I'll admit it...the media is a terrible obstacle for celebrities, sports stars, and former Baltimore City Police Commissioner Edward T. Norris, but in this case, I dont know if that mis-matched bullying was nearly warranted. If Kenny has issues with the media, maybe he should just pray about it and find inspiration from another guy who's first name was the same as his last (its fate) and try to keep his coolio in the face of great adversity (like having your picture taken). Oh and I meant Roger Maris just then. I had no point really... :)

*In closing, my favorite part of this article was the caption under the "dug-out" pic: Kenny Rogers checks out his hand after hitting a water cooler. And apparently, he hasn't cooled off any.

Ya think??? Stay away from my cooler, Gambler!

Song of the Beatin:

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers (hmmm...I didn't know he wrote that. Learn sumpthin new everyday!)

She's Super Phreaky...YOW!

2005-06-30T15:44:00.000-05:00

Since it’s been established that I am a plagia-writer anyway, I'm stealing Chris's stuff. BUT, before anyone named Heather or Lindsay flip out and say…”But you don’t have time to write our NYC blog?”, I will say that this is just a short layover WHILE I’m writing it. I've got a 'theme' so its not like I can just squirt it out...like this one. This is just a spurt of blog I gots ta get out, but I’m having trouble with the other one. My creativity is just…dead right now. So here are my copious thoughts (since that’s all I have the sanity to pull together right now). List format. Random. Heeeeeeeeeere we go.

1. Chris was right in his blog about him being the hilarious comic relief in our family. ALTHOUGH, beware those who let him know what tweaks your nerves, hurts your feelings or triggers that thing inside of you that makes you laugh uncontrollably during 10 o'clock Mass while your mother looks at you like you are going to get the beating of your life in the car on the way home...meanwhile he's got a straight face. So you're the only one in trouble. Forget playing outside or meeting with friends or watching football with dad. You're reading the missalette from that oh-so-funny Mass, in your bedroom, alone, with B104 FM playing on your pink Sony (with headphones)...one headphone on, so you can hear if she comes to the door to check and see if you've read the missalette in its entirety and if so, exactly which part is funny? (but I’m not bitter...haha)

Her: so what was so funny about the LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST today, Laura Michelle Lee? (Oh God no! not the Liturgy of the Eucharist! I should have done it during the Liturgy of the WORD! yikes!)
Me: Nothing (let me tell you..."nothing" will get your ass whooped, but so will, “Chris was making me laugh at how Fr. S says, ‘…Jesus said to his disciples, take this bread…and eat-TIT…’ when he holds the bread up to bless it. Get it mom? TIT?”)
Her: Well there's a place for people who laugh at nothing. It’s called Crownsville Mental Hospital.

Yeah…don’t I know it? I'm on the waiting list.

2. Someone at work used my French Dressing, all but a tablespoon.
:( (It was "Saucy French" too). Its bad enough I had to have this giant salad for lunch while everyone else eats stuff that smells like pizza warming up (still unidentified), but now I have a tablespoon of salad dressing to use. The highlight of this salad has now become the few tiny pieces of smoked gouda that I put in the salad to "excite myself". Its not low fat cheese, but damn, smoked gouda is GOOD. It’s my treat, ok? How sad is that? One good thing about smoked gouda, besides the taste, is the fact that Nikki doesn’t like it. So, I can nurse a wheel for a little while undisturbed except by thelauralee. And it like never molds. haha Nikki, just so you know though, you’re always welcome to anything I’ve got there, even the cheese...especially the salsa (here is your chance to comment on your feelings about me and salsa).

3. I want to change my cell phone number.

4. No one has emailed me today :( Not one person. Well…Cingular emailed me my bill. Thanks Suckular!

5. Oh wait, Lindsay emailed and told me she really wasn’t mad about the sacrilegious Jesus comment I made on her blog. whew.

6. Please sign up for Chris's Fantasy Football League. It will be really fun and we'll do the draft at a party at my house or something. "I'll host", as they say in the world of the integrity challenged (I figured if I spoke Craigslist-ease maybe I would be able to communicate more clearly with some of my readers). tee hee, just kiddin. Anyway, sign up. I don’t know how to do it either but its easy and there are directions on there and most of us love football anyway, so do it luvahs. It will mean the world to the Lee’s. Lee rules! (“O’Doyle rules!”)

7. This week has been pretty flippin below-average for me except two things (I will make them #’s 8 and 9, but #10 will be bad…sorry). I have a pounding headache from being a crybaby. I'm trying SO hard to be positive and upbeat, for me, for all my friends and family and I think I have just started to stumble a lot lately. It sounds so trite, but I really am just SAD (here...see? click on SAD) I am just one big ball of despondent gouda (smoked).

8. I will be vague here, as I like to maintain a certain level of deniability regarding just about everything, but my big interview went very very well this morning. I was roughly prepared, because I'm not very schooled in a number of the functions this company performs, but I will tell you this...they are huge. Global. More than global...they are practically universal. They have offices on Mars. I bet they'll assign me to one of those. Anyway, it’s a big-deal position, and I did very well, though she was a hell of an interviewer. Probably the best interview I’ve ever had or even prepared for (and I have a PR degree! I’ve been run through the ringamaroo!), not so much because of my performance but the combination of her interviewing skills and my ability to dance motherf*cker dance motherf*cker dance! She got down to business, she asked all the right questions, some of them were difficult, some were repetitive but that’s a tactic. I felt I only did on the better end of "okay" but at the end she softened like butta, thanked me profusely, told me I gave an EXCELLENT interview and then proceeded to set up a third interview with the big cheese (hopefully gouda). So I made it to the 3rd Oracle. I'm Artreyu and I've practically stopped "The Nothing". Now I can stop riding that big white scaly dog-dragon thingy with the freaky Santa Claus-esque booming voice, right? Now before you think THIS is The Neverending Story...I'll move on. Anyway, good stuff. I think it’s looking good. It will mean loads more responsibility, hours, less blogs, no instant messenger (I know I know…calm down) and a mother-lover of a learning curve. Good news is I will have a buttload of skills. Guys only like chicks with skills, so.... ;) (I know you didn’t miss that lil Napoleon reference now did ya?)

9. Last night I was SO sluggish and downcast, that after I ate my healthy dinner for eighty, I'd planned to get started on cleaning up my bedroom which was yet again...a flippin disaster. I've come to the conclusion that I have problems getting up for work, coming home from work and sleeping when my room is in disarray. It's weird. It’s like the last line of defense has been compromised. Nikki was right. When you bring order to your life with simple things, it helps. SO...my plan was, go to work at Curves, barely make it two loops around the circuit, go to Giant and pick up 3 of my 400 prescriptions I don’t need to be on, buy a few items for good eating this week and next, come home, cook, eat, talk to Nikki and THEN clean my room, start some laundry and clean the Lord of the Rings out of my toilet. Around 10pm I decided it was as good a time as ever to go up and lay on the bed. That’s how I like to get started. ;) Nikki heard my groans and whines and said: “I'm helping you.” I object with a short whine, “Nooooo...its ok.” She says, “Um…yes. 10 minutes I’ll help. Get up.” Next thing I knew, she was giving me simpleton jobs and the amazingly productive (and sexy) tornado that is NIKKI cleaned my whole room and organized my closet and my laundry was sorted and my bed was made and all my bathroom crap was put away and I was unpacked from the weekend! That girl ROCKS! I mean I didn’t lay there and watch her, but holy cannoli! She is a cleanin FOOL! I went down, cleaned my bathroom, put a load of laundry in, took a shower and went up to bed to read over some of my interview stuff. She even offered to start waking me up for work in the morning and making sure I was out of bed before she left and on my way to the shower. She did wake me up this morning, after a good nights sleep of depression induced night terrors (my usual), and I was good to go today! I was almost on time for work. haha 8:18am! ahhhhh…THANK YOU NIKKI!!! Now can you alphabetize my CDs? jk...thank you-- love you sweetie...I needed that SO bad and you could tell, and you helped me and I am so appreciative. Thanks also for the interviewing refresher!

10. MY SHIFT BUTTON STICKS AND IT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND THEN I HAVE TO GO BACK AND REWRITE STUFF AND ITS SO ANNOYING> I CANT EVEN GET A NEW KEYBOARD UP IN THIS JOINT> THIS IS MY SECOND ONE> ALSO MY MONITOR GOES REALLY DARK SOMETIMES> I TOLD THE COMPUTER GUY AND HE SAID< "SORRY THEY ARE # YEARS OLD WHAT DO YOU EXEPCT?"> SO??? I EXPECT MY PC TO WORK FOR ONE! URGhhh, is this a business or not? Whoops, there we go...shift key released. ;)

11. I'm in a creative slump. I hate that. I feel so useless.

12. This list is negative. See #11 for why its not funny.

13. I have no 4th of July plans. I had some. Those plans called me at 8am this morning to cancel because I'm not enough fun and my plans don’t want to have to baby-sit me. :( Whatever. Someone ask me to do something. Puweeease? I don’t have any olive branch invitations as of yet…(or emails)

14. Homer Simpson is sooooooooo funny. I mean like idiot savant funny. hehe

15. My 10 year reunion is soon and certain PEOPLE wont stop bugging me about going. So I'm going. Begrudgingly, but one of those certain peeps said we could both wear, 'I’m with stupid <----' shirts where the arrows point at one another, and tell huge lies so I guess I'm ok with that. I'm posting our IM convo in the comments section for your entertainment. So to all you hizookers callin me asking me to step it up and go (I dunno WHAT FOR), I'm going. Are you happy now, Romi and Michelle? (Not you Michele with one "l"…I know you read!) ;) Now I need to find a way to earn the $65 for the overpriced ticket. Any suggestions? ;)

16. My dad DOES eat weird stuff (see Dizzinators blog). Its a little disturbing at times, but it can also be exciting. I kind of want to be with a man that would eat just about anything I think. ;) (ewwwwwwww my god you said that right in the same paragraph as you were talking about your dad)

17. I hate the Barenaked Ladies, Gin Blossoms, Spin Doctors and the Macarena. I hate UB40 too.

18. The latest liner on the JACK is too funny: “Hold on a minute…I thought the wife and kids were in New Jersey!…But it sounds like the BOSS is playing on Jack 102.7 FM?!” (...segue into Hungry Heart by Springsteen!)

Ok, 18 is sufficient...Later Taters (check out my songs! woopie! uplifting, eh?)

Songs of the Rant:
Just Breathe (2am) - Anna Nalick
Look What You've Done - Jet
Best of My Love - The Eagles

All Eyes On thelauralee

2005-06-28T12:18:00.000-05:00

***The following nonsense is based off of this article (click) about Carlos Beltran and Roger Clemens of the big-fat Astros.***

Associated Lee Press-On, BALTIMORE, MD. -- June, 28, 2005

All eyes on thelauralee. She's the two-ton gorilla of the blogworld's summer meetings. She isn’t in town. She isn’t in the hotel lobby. She isn’t signed. She isn’t even close to signing. But thelauralee has still found a way to hover over the meetings like a traffic copter…but on the other hand, for thelauralee, the clock is ticking.

There is no law, after all, that says her blog readers have to wait around for her to get down to business. But with everyday that goes by, fewer fans seem willing to do that…Another thing we’re beginning to hear out there is that, the longer the bloggies find themselves waiting on thelauralee to blog, the higher her agent (who is Gloria Allred, but for all intents and purposes, will be played by agent, Scott Boras) sets the humiliation bar for them to read her blog. More blog clubs are beginning to doubt that she’s worth A-Rod type praise and money…or even Michael Flatley type cash, coupled with almost obsessive, stalker-esque and sexually confused admiration.

“I’m getting to the point where I really don’t care if we sign thelauralee--not if the cost is too ridiculous,” said an anonymous executive at blogger.com. “I think a lot of readers have her overrated. This bitch is NOT worth 20 million hits a year, let alone the $2 I left on her nightstand last night for that crappy BJ. I mean, not if you compare her to A-Rod or Seymore Butts and ‘performers’ like that.”

An official at another company where the employees do nothing but sit around and read thelauralee’s blog said, “Where are her Gold Typing Gloves? Uh, she’s never won any! How many snake charming or homerun titles has she won? Uh, that would be none! She’s barely made it to 2nd base! She’s no expert. How many all-star blog teams has she made, writing for a reputable blog sponsor that had to have an all-star blog writer on staff each and every year to stay ahead of the game? That would be one (blogger), which she only made this year after being traded from the Handwritten Diary Writers of America. A GD non-profit club! Someone call Peter Angelos!”

“I like the broad,” said one loyal reader. “I like to see if she’ll write about me after we ‘do stuff’. It makes me feel like a celebrity when I see she’s mentioned me the next day…if she even gets around to blogging that day. She can be a real lazy bitch.” Shim further commented, “Don’t get me wrong though. A lot of this ‘hype’ about thelauralee is based on a perception of her that was formed in October, and the record shows, she isn’t that person all the time. Ha! Her moods shift hourly. Often we have to scroll down her entry and look at the Songs of the Day just to see what kind of mania we’re going to have to deal with as readers that day. It’s not pretty.”

Ultimately of course, thelauralee doesn’t care what her so-called loyal readers think of her, she will get her money (and her black Violent Femmes tee shirt back). It may not be more than $.69, which will be issued to her in a check written by The Dude, but most likely, she’ll get it. But, it will be enough to go out and buy that Wascally Wabbit of her dreams, at least.

The question, though, is whether all this posturing and waiting around has really been worth the aggravation? It has knocked several interesting options off thelauralee’s plate already. And in the end, she could wind up having to choose between a hometown, Gay Pride contract in Baltimore, or a write-or-else paycheck in San Juan.

It will be fascinating to see what road she winds up drunk driving, all right. So until she finally writes this next blog entry, the world will be watching (in between reality shows and episodes of ‘Trading Spaces’ of course).

Oh and by the way…so will a fellow named Roger Clemens.
**********************************************************************

Huh? Whoops…I forgot to change the names of the characters there at the end to keep the private life of bloggers and baseball players a private sanctuary. ;) I think by now you’ve all figured out that I got a lil silly this morning and decided to plagiar-write (its how I get all my material) an article about how I haven’t blogged about our past weekend in NYC yet and posted pictures even though both Heather and Lindsay have BOTH linked to me and put the pressure on so they can do so-called “more important” things like move and work for a living. Losers. So now I suppose I should take time away from playing pool on Yahoo! Games and do it already…good gracious.

A special thanks to ESPN Batboy Extraordinaire (aka columnist), Jason Stark, for providing the opinionated yellow journalism crap he calls reporting in an article regarding the 2004 'pussyfoot' tango Carlos Beltran and Roger Clemens did, while fans waited with baited breath to see if the Houston Astros would continue to suck. So yeah, he provided this article for me to plagiarize and make it about yours truly. It’s better when its about me anyhow, don't you think? Nuts to Beltran and Clemens. Besides, it fit; whether it be blogger.com or the Houston Astros, they are interchangeable when it comes to allowing people like Beltran and thelauralee to use their forum to do dumb shit with no reputability and get a lot of attention for it.

If you have any issues with the content of this article, please contact my agent HERE. She did some good work for me when I sued the Los Angeles Beauty School for not letting me participate in that pageant. Bastards! Also, Amber Frye is a hot MILF and she did pretty ok for her too. The message stays the same, look out ‘people who try to front on me’ or you’ll end up like Scott Peterson or a cross-dressing version of Pete Rose in some bizarre scenarios. All Gloria had to do was refer to Peterson as a “14 carat A-hole’ to have him convicted and sentenced to death. Mere commentary. Tell me that’s not writer's inspiration.

Stay tuned you impatient lil doing-doings, It’s comin…it’s comin…